Ask Lee Stempniak: Special Holiday Episode

(This week's Friday YouTube Yoinkage has been pre-empted for this holiday special. EDIT: Apparently, Garrett Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove Fame agreed with me that Stempy should have a hat, so he put his Photoshoppery skills to practice and made me a new Stemps picture. Thanks, man!)

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house. He is on a couch with JASON BLAKE and GARNET EXELBY)

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello, and welcome to a special holiday edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak.” Naturally, I’m Lee Stempniak, and I’m here with Jason Blake and Garnet Exelby. They play hockey with me for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

GARNET EXELBY: Hi mom! I’m on a show!

STEMPNIAK: Whatever. Let’s start answering questions! Our first question comes from Anika in Port Hope, Ontario. She asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, it’s the holidays, which means lots of relatives coming over and cooking. We all love my Aunt Shelly, but she is a terrible cook—anything she makes is so bad, even the dog won’t touch it—but she still loves to cook for us. How can we get her to stop bringing food without hurting her feelings?”

JASON BLAKE: That’s kind of hard, especially since she loves it so much.

EXELBY: What if you told her that the party stuff was on a totally different day or time, so she wouldn’t even be there?

STEMPNIAK: They like her company, but it’s just her cooking they don’t like. You might want to plan ahead and say to Shelly, “Hey, we have plenty of pies and casseroles, but we need someone to bring in cups and napkins, can you do that?” So that way, she may not bring in food and you can still enjoy her company. Our next question is from Mark in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia asks, “Which is better: cake or pie?”

BLAKE: That’s the whole question?

STEMPNIAK: “Cake or pie?” That’s it.

BLAKE: Well, obviously cake, for the simple reason I’ve never heard of a mincemeat cake.

EXELBY: No way, pie is better. Cake’s too…fancy for me. Pie is a man’s desert because it just goes into deliciousness. You have to dress up and decorate a cake. Pie doesn’t need any of that crap. It’s good without any fancy coloring or frosting or anything.

STEMPNIAK: What about pie a la mode?

EXELBY: Well, you can have ice cream by itself, and you can have pie by itself. They’re independent, but still work well with each other. You can’t have just frosting or just cake.

BLAKE: But pie is so much harder to make than cake—it’s so much easier to screw up.

EXELBY: Then you’ve never seen me try to make cake. Chili is fine, but for some reason…cake is impossible.

STEMPNIAK: Cake is good, but pie is so versatile. You can have sweet pies, chicken pot pies…you could make a whole meal of multiple courses that are nothing but pies!

(30 minutes later)

BLAKE: …That still doesn’t change how wrong you are.

EXELBY: Oh, whatever!

STEMPNIAK: Guys—GUYS! Did we just spend half an hour talking about pie?

EXELBY: Holy crap, we did.

BLAKE: (snorts) What is this, Tuesday night at Martin Brodeur’s house?

STEMPNIAK: The next question is marked as “from Harvey Dent in Gotham” who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: What was it like living with Liam Neeson and Christian Bale on top of that mountain learning the ways of The League of Shadows? Were you pissed when Batman blew up your shit?”

BLAKE: That….makes no sense at all.

EXELBY: You know Christian Bale? Did he ever lose his shit with you?

STEMPNIAK: No, I don’t know Christian Bale, or Liam Neeson. But I’m sure they’re OK guys.

EXELBY: I dunno about Christian Bale, but I like Liam Neeson, especially after he saved all those Jews from JetPack Hilter.

BLAKE: …What the Hell?

EXELBY: I saw it! It was a true story! He had the coffee on the thing to make it look old and stuff.

(There is a knock at the door)

STEMPNIAK: Who is it?

VOICE: Hanukah Fairy.

EXELBY: The Hell’s a Hanukah fairy? I didn’t know any of us were Jewish…

STEMPNIAK: I’m gonna go answer.

BLAKE: I know I’m not Jewish… (STEMPNIAK gets up to answer the door. There is nobody there, but a flaming bag of dog waste is on the doormat)

STEMPNIAK: Good Lord! That could start a fire! (stomps it out) Oh, man!

BLAKE: (laughs hysterically)That was the best idea ever!

EXELBY: (also laughing) "Hanukah Fairy" ! Man, that's classic!

STEMPNIAK: What? It was you?!

BLAKE: It was my idea, but I paid a neighborhood kid to actually do it.

STEMPNIAK: (angry) Get out of my house!

EXELBY: Do we still get our money and Hot Pockets for hanging out with you?

STEMPNIAK: I hate you guys.