Maple Leafs Chat: TomasKaberle's Bad Night

***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs***
Schenn_Sational: Man, I have such a headache!
SonOfAMitch: Yeah, I’m really feeling last night.
DeathKabs_4_QT:What happened?
White Lightning: Me, Schenner and Mitchell were hanging out. We were having a Smash Brothers Tournament
Schenn_Sational: We must’ve had like 36 pixie sticks each!
DeathKabs_4_QT: In a row?
SonOfAMitch: and like 6 Red Bulls and a LOT of cookies
White Lightning: We didn’t get any sleep, we were just, like, bouncing off the walls from so much sugar.
Schenn_Sational: I don’t even remember much, I just remember I somehow won with Zelda
DeathKabs_4_QT: You guys, that’s not a bad night. Let me tell you about a bad night
***Welcome to flashback chat, two seasons ago, outside of some random titty bar***
SundinBloodySundin: Man, I hate waiting in lines!
DeathKabs_4_QT: I know! I cannot believe a place like this has a line!
McCable_and_Ready: I’m cold and hungry…and horny
***BaaaadMuthaTucker and Pavel_Road haven entered the chat room!***
BaaaadMuthaTucker: Wow Bryan, The missus let you out!
McCable_and_Ready: She said as long as I looked but didn’t touch she wouldn’t cut my balls off.
DeathKabs_4_QT: I thought she did already. *snicker*
SundinBloodySundin: So why are you two so late?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: well, Pavel here had to make a pharmacy trip and he didn’t know where it was and—hey wait a sec, we’re only like 3 minutes late!
Pavel_Road: /grunts
Pavel_Road: stupid Swedes gots to be right early for everthing and makes the rest of us look like douches. Whatever. Who wants a Vicodin?
McCable_and_Ready:I do! I want one!
DeathKabs_4_QT: No you don’t. Vicodin makes you all weepy and I don’t want to babysit you again.
SundinBloodySundin: Hey, we can go in now! Pay the man, Darcy.
BaaaadMuthaTucker:….What?
DeathKabs_4_QT: did you think the captain of the Leafs pays his own way into strip clubs?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: What about you and McCabe?
McCable_and_Ready: A’s don’t pay either.
BaaaadMuthaTucker: Does Captain Hobo Beard pay to get in?
Pavel_Road: Of course!
Pavel_Road:/hands envelope of painkillers to bouncer
***all enter Titty Bar Chat room!***
DeathKabs_4_QT: I don’t know why I even bother coming out anymore. You pay to get in, you stand around in a dark room and pay to drink overpriced alcohol…it’s just a good way to waste money.
SundinBloodySundin: Then why do you come out?
DeathKabs_4_QT: well, somebody has to watch McCabe
DeathKabs_4_QT: Bryan! Leave that woman’s ear alone!
Bar_keep: Why are you pulling my ear?
McCable_and_Ready: But her earrings are so dangly and shiny!
Announcer: Let’s hear a round of applause for Amber!
Bar_goers: /scattered applause
Announcer: Now on the main stage give it up for Taffy!
***TaffyTheStripper has entered the chat room***
TaffyTheStripper:…Pavel?
Pavel_Road : I think I knew you as Karamela, but hi!
BaaaadMuthaTucker: wait, you two know each other?
Pavel_Road : You win a cup it means it’s raining hot bitches
McCable_and_Ready: Oh man! I don’t have any paper money…
BaaaadMuthaTucker: What kind of idiot goes to a titty bar without paper money? Actually…don’t answer that.
McCable_and_Ready: well, it looks like all have is this pocket of loonies and toonies. Oh well—MAKE IT RAIN!
McCable_and_Ready: /throws change at TaffyTheStripper
TaffyTheStripper: Ow! OW!! What the hell?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: More like make it hail!
TaffyTheStripper: /slips on change
TaffyTheStripper: /sprains ankle
SundinBloodySundin: Oh, shit! the manager’s coming, let’s get out of here!
***all exit the titty bar!***
McCable_and_Ready: Hey guys…what’s that place over there?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: “Skybow”? I’ve never heard of it.
SundinBloodySundin: Wow! The chicks are so desperate they’re dancing with each other!
DeathKabs_4_QT: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this…
***all enter Skybow chat room***
Bar_keep: What in the hell do you boys think you’re doing in here?
DeathKabs_4_QT: This is a lesbian bar, isn’t it? Hehe, you see, my friends didn’t know that and we’re just on our way out, right guys?
Bar_keep: Oh boys we don’t care about your parts, but all we care about is that all 5 of you are pylons for the Leafs. This here is a Sens bar!
Unseen_Lez: Go Sens go!
***bar_keep is now brandishing a baseball bat***
***all exit the Skybow Chatroom***
DeathKabs_4_QT: I told you guys that was a bad idea!
BaaaadMuthaTucker: A lesbian Sens bar? That’s a new one…
Pavel_Road: Oouf! What the—oh ok, I just tripped on that pile of newspapers.
SundinBloodySundin: That’s not a pile of newspapers, it’s a homeless man!
McCable_and_Ready: And it’s not just any homeless man—that’s Aki Berg!
Aki_breaky_berg: ….spare…change….?
SundinBloodySundin: Man, seeing Aki like this is just depressing.
Aki_breaky_berg: ….meth…doesn’t…buy….it…self
DeathKabs_4_QT: I dunno about you guys, but I’m just gonna go over here—
Aki_breaky_berg: Crackhead…army…assemble!
***Crackhead_army has descended on Pavel_Road, McCable_and_Ready, SundinBloodySundin, BaaaadMuthaTucker and DeathKabs_4_QT***
***Crackhead Army has beaten the everloving crap out of Pavel_Road, McCable_and_Ready, SundinBloodySundin, BaaaadMuthaTucker and DeathKabs_4_QT***
SundinBloodySundin: I think that was the fastest I’ve ever seen Aki move.
Pavel_Road : yous guys, get off me…
McCable_and_Ready: I don’t think my elbow is supposed to bend like that…
BaaaadMuthaTucker: dammit they stole my wallet!
Pavel_Road : They stole all my vicodin!
DeathKabs_4_QT: That’s it! I’m done, screw you guys, I’m going home! Getting beaten up by crackheads is where I draw the line!
***welcome back to present chat!***
SonOfAMitch: Holy crap, Kabs.
Schenn_Saitional: That IS a terrible night!
DeathKabs_4_QT: And that was all BEFORE the cops showed up. Apparently lying on the sidewalk in pain is loitering or something.
White Lightning: Man, I feel terrible for you.
DeathKabs_4_QT: Don’t worry about it. Someday, if I’m REALLY sad, I’ll tell you about the time Aki Berg saved Christmas.

Maple Leafs Chat: Still Smokin'

(special thanks to Archimedes for spiritual guidance)

StajanNotCajun:OMG you guys, we're playing Vancouver tomarrow!
sonofamitch: Vancouver? man, they always depress me
SchennSational: Yeah, it's always like vanzzzzz
StajanNotCajun:no you guys, you know who comes with Vancouver?
sonofamitch: hippies?
StajanNotCajun: NO! It's Mats and Kyle are coming back!
sonofamitch:...so? they aren't Leafs anymore right?
stajanNotCajun: Oh Kyle, Like a big comfy pillow, but with a built in space heater
sonofamitch: yeah he heats LOTS of space, hahah
SchennSational: He always seemed the type to steal the covers, or do a dutch oven
stajanNotCajun: Yeah...I mean, uh. I guess. whatever
***SherrifOfWellwoodForest has entered the chatroom***
***sundinbloodySundin has entered the chat room***
StajanNotCajun: WELLEY!
stajanNOTCajun: / jumps for joy
sherriffOfWellwoodforrest: Matty!I got some great ideas, man. Me and Mats are gonna start up a weed themed bakery and call it "Wake N'Bakery"
sundinBloodySundin: yeah, it'll be great, Like, BC Brownies--
stajanNotCajun: BC Bacon brownies! cuz bacon makes things better
SundinBloodySundin: and Amsterdam apple crisp and...I think that's all we have so far
stajanNotCajun: I dunno, should we just spark up a bit, like we used to?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: would you expect anything else from me?
SchennSational: Spark up? What’s—
sonofamitch: I’m down.
SchennSational: won’t doing drugs be bad for our bodies and careers?
SundinBloodySundin: dude, it’s the Leafs playing Vancouver: weed can only make it better
***SundinBloodySundin takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
***SherriffofWellwooodforrest takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
***stajanNotCajun takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
SchennSational: /takes 2 puffs
SchennSational: HOLY DISHWAHSERS, this feels like a horse just kicked me in the chest
sonofamitch: come on, quit bogarting the pipe. Don’t be a dick, be a dude
***sonofamitch finishes it off***
SundinBloodySundin: man, I got munchies. Are there any taco bells here? Man I miss Taco Bell runs in Vancouver
stajanNotCajun: Fire in the Taco Bell! Hehehehehehehhhh….
SchennSational: Guys I dunno if my lungs remember how to breathe…
Sonofamitch: quit being such a whiny baby, Schenner
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: look guys let’s all head out and find some munchies somewhere
***Welcome to SherriffofWellwooodforrest car chatroom!***
Sonofamitch: hey there’s donuts back here!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: yeah, I got a new recipe I’ve been tinkering with.
stajanNotCajun: then why is there a tim horton’s box?
SundinBloodySundin: there’s always a Tim’s box back there
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: well, I got kinda hungry while working on the weed-nuts and I figured eating more of those wouldn’t help—
stajanNotCajun: wait—“weednuts?”
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: they’re doughnuts! With weed in them! Strawberry flavoured weed, no less
Sonofamitch: that actually sounds pretty damn tasty
SchennSational: I can’t breathe! My throat’s like sand paper!
stajanNotCajun: anyone have anything liquid here?
Sonofamitch: Uh, I got this PBR I was drinking earlier. Will that work?
SchennSational: SWEET SASSAFRAS IT TAKES LIKE HORSE WIZ!
SundinBloodySundin: man, I can’t stop laughing. “SASSAFRAS!”
StajanNotCajun: holy shit, dude, that’s a great word. Like, you don’t even need to tell a joke, just say sassafras at me and I’m almost pissing myself laughing
Sonofamitch: hahahaha Sassafras?
SundinBloodySundin: Sassafras! ahahahaha
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Sassafras, sassafras, SASSAFRAS! HAHAHA Hey Matt?
stajanNotCajun: what?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: SASSAFRAS!
stajanNotCajun: LOLLERCOASTER
SchennSational: COPS! OHhhhhhhhh nooooooo! They’re gonna know we where smoking demon weed and we’re gonna go to jail.
***SherriffofWellwooodforrest pulls the car over***
SundinBloodySundin: we’re not gonna go to jail
Sonofamitch: what if they take our sassafras?
SchennSational: they’re gonna smell it. Oh god! You guys! My brain is eating itself!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: DUDE! Just everybody chill the fuck out! I got this
Supertrooper: good evening, any chance I could see you license and registration?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: sure thing officer Ramrod
Supertrooper: what did you just call me?
stajanNotCajun: he looks like the guy from Supertroopers
Supertrooper: Yes, fine, I get that a lot. Littering and littering and whatnot.
SundinBloodySundin: Are you gonna beat Kyle?
Supertrooper: Meow mr. Wellwood, do you know what I pulled you over?
Sonofamitch : Did he just say meow?
stajanNotCajun:Shhh dude, he’s totally gonna do it, heehee
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Cuz you’re bored and it’s your job?
Supertrooper: Well, uh, dammit, kid don’t mess with me you will NOT WIN!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Am I gonna get a ticket? I just don’t have any money on me to pay for one, but I could give you some doughnuts. Cuz yanno, like, you’re just gonna take the money I give you for a ticket for coffee and doughnuts, right? So I’ll be, like, saving you paperwork, yanno?
Supertrooper: well, I have been out here all night, I wouldn’t mind that box in the back.
SundinBloodySundin: Matty, Mitchell, pass that up
Sonofamitch: Rokay!
SchennSational: like, ok, man!
***Supertrooper has received box of Timmy Ho’s Doughnuts***
Supertrooper: Well, have a good night boys.
***Supertrooper has left the chat room***
stajanNotCajun: Wait, Luke, which box did you grab?
SchennSational: Like I dunno man, I just grabbed a box
SundinBloodySundin: Oh no, You could have given the officer the one with the weed in it
Sonofamitch: Ruh ro!
stajanNotCajun: let’s get out of here!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Wait, the one with the weed should have only 6, the other one was a full dozen
SchennSational: Like Sorry Welly, me an Mitchell wanted some snacks so we ate them.
Sonofamitch: really rasty!
SundinBloodySundin : You two can eat a lot of doughnuts! I hope we can solve this mystery!
stajanNotCajun: what mystery?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Jinkies! Is that a ghost?
Sonofamitch: Ro no!
SchennSational: Like g-g-g-ghost!
SundinBloodySundin: that’s no ghost….it’s just Jason Blake!
***thumping noise***
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: did we just run over Jason Blake?
SchennSational: Like, I’m never hanging out with you guys again.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 7, 2008

This week's theme for the Friday Youtube Yoinkage is Mats Sundin. Why? Because I can.

If I were Mats Sundin, you know what I'd do? I'd hire a small Ecuadorian child to polish my head.I mean, nobody else is going to think of that. I'd go up to other players and be all, "Hey there Daniel Alfredsson, is that new hat? ooh, impressive. (rolls eyes) " Meanwhile Pepe is just sitting on my shoulders scrubbing and polishing, scrubbing and polishing, making my head shine. And I would pay him more than enough to send some money home to his momma working in the bordello or whatever Ecuadorians do. After all, I am Mats Sundin, Goddamm it, and my head deserves to have a shine that can been seen a mile off. (Yes I sporked that from Lewis Black, but I added enough of my own to make it mine. Maybe. Probably, Not)

Umm, I'm not sure what brought that on, but onto the clips!Clip one has Mats against Wayne Gretzky shooting for McDonald's. For some reason, the way he says "big mac" makes me giggle.


Clip two is a classic commercial that needs no introduction:


clip three stars a poor French-Canadian goalie as a gardener. Always makes me giggle