Sunday, March 22, 2009

Cooking with the NHL, part two





I know it’s been a long time since the last volume of cooking with the NHL, but I keep getting recipes from people.

Max Talbot’s Oreo Cheesecake
1: Buy a plain cheesecake. Make sure you throw out the box so they think you made it yourself.
2: Crumble Oreos on top of it
3: pour chilled Boone’s farm (any flavor) into your finest dollar store serving glasses
4: wait for the hot bitches to arrive.

Eggs a la Hollweg
(interesting story: An odd young man smelling faintly of bacon grease and pickles with a greasy mullet and wannabe pirate mustache stopped me one day and pressed a greasy napkin into my hand. On that napkin was the following recipe, hastily scribbled. I have yet to see that man again)
I eat this often an it’s pretty tasty.
Ingrediants:
Pot of water
Salt
Ketchup
Buttload of eggs

1: get a pot full of water and put it on a hotplate.
2: throw in some salt. I dunno how much cuz I don’t mess around with fairy shit like “smidgen.”
3: put in your eggs, shell an all in the pot. Cover the pot
4: put on “2 girls 1 cup” (Dir. R. Hollweg), jerk off an fall asleep
5: wake up 2 hours later
6: how the fuck did I burn eggs?
7: say “fuck it” an call Dominoes


Kyle Wellwood’s English muffin pizzas
You know, I’ve enjoyed English muffin pizzas for a long time, but since I joined the Canucks, I’ve discovered a whole new twist!
You will need:
English muffins
Ketchup (or spaghetti sauce if you’re feeling fancy)
Cheese (whatever kind you like, personally I use the square kind in the little wrappers)
BBQ potato chips, crushed
“Vancity spice”, as desired

1: cut the English muffins and put them on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil
2:cover muffins with ketchup, “Vancity spice”, cheese, chips, more “Vancity spice” (Note: I’ve also used different toppings in addition to these, like bacon, peppers, and a can of frosting. Feel free to play around with the ingredients a bit if you like.)
3: bake in oven at 425 F for about 15 minutes or until the muffins are toasted and the cheese is melted, or until you just can’t wait to eat them.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Maple Leafs Chat: Still Smokin'

(special thanks to Archimedes for spiritual guidance)

StajanNotCajun
:OMG you guys, we're playing Vancouver tomarrow!
sonofamitch: Vancouver? man, they always depress me
SchennSational: Yeah, it's always like vanzzzzz
StajanNotCajun:no you guys, you know who comes with Vancouver?
sonofamitch: hippies?
StajanNotCajun: NO! It's Mats and Kyle are coming back!
sonofamitch:...so? they aren't Leafs anymore right?
stajanNotCajun: Oh Kyle, Like a big comfy pillow, but with a built in space heater
sonofamitch: yeah he heats LOTS of space, hahah
SchennSational: He always seemed the type to steal the covers, or do a dutch oven
stajanNotCajun: Yeah...I mean, uh. I guess. whatever
***SherrifOfWellwoodForest has entered the chatroom***
***sundinbloodySundin has entered the chat room***
StajanNotCajun: WELLEY!
stajanNOTCajun: / jumps for joy
sherriffOfWellwoodforrest: Matty!I got some great ideas, man. Me and Mats are gonna start up a weed themed bakery and call it "Wake N'Bakery"
sundinBloodySundin: yeah, it'll be great, Like, BC Brownies--
stajanNotCajun: BC Bacon brownies! cuz bacon makes things better
SundinBloodySundin: and Amsterdam apple crisp and...I think that's all we have so far
stajanNotCajun: I dunno, should we just spark up a bit, like we used to?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: would you expect anything else from me?
SchennSational: Spark up? What’s—
sonofamitch: I’m down.
SchennSational: won’t doing drugs be bad for our bodies and careers?
SundinBloodySundin: dude, it’s the Leafs playing Vancouver: weed can only make it better
***SundinBloodySundin takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
***SherriffofWellwooodforrest takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
***stajanNotCajun takes 2 puffs and passes the dutchie on the left hand side***
SchennSational: /takes 2 puffs
SchennSational: HOLY DISHWAHSERS, this feels like a horse just kicked me in the chest
sonofamitch: come on, quit bogarting the pipe. Don’t be a dick, be a dude
***sonofamitch finishes it off***
SundinBloodySundin: man, I got munchies. Are there any taco bells here? Man I miss Taco Bell runs in Vancouver
stajanNotCajun: Fire in the Taco Bell! Hehehehehehehhhh….
SchennSational: Guys I dunno if my lungs remember how to breathe…
Sonofamitch: quit being such a whiny baby, Schenner
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: look guys let’s all head out and find some munchies somewhere
***Welcome to SherriffofWellwooodforrest car chatroom!***
Sonofamitch: hey there’s donuts back here!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: yeah, I got a new recipe I’ve been tinkering with.
stajanNotCajun: then why is there a tim horton’s box?
SundinBloodySundin: there’s always a Tim’s box back there
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: well, I got kinda hungry while working on the weed-nuts and I figured eating more of those wouldn’t help—
stajanNotCajun: wait—“weednuts?”
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: they’re doughnuts! With weed in them! Strawberry flavoured weed, no less
Sonofamitch: that actually sounds pretty damn tasty
SchennSational: I can’t breathe! My throat’s like sand paper!
stajanNotCajun: anyone have anything liquid here?
Sonofamitch: Uh, I got this PBR I was drinking earlier. Will that work?
SchennSational: SWEET SASSAFRAS IT TAKES LIKE HORSE WIZ!
SundinBloodySundin: man, I can’t stop laughing. “SASSAFRAS!”
StajanNotCajun: holy shit, dude, that’s a great word. Like, you don’t even need to tell a joke, just say sassafras at me and I’m almost pissing myself laughing
Sonofamitch: hahahaha Sassafras?
SundinBloodySundin: Sassafras! ahahahaha
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Sassafras, sassafras, SASSAFRAS! HAHAHA Hey Matt?
stajanNotCajun: what?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: SASSAFRAS!
stajanNotCajun: LOLLERCOASTER
SchennSational: COPS! OHhhhhhhhh nooooooo! They’re gonna know we where smoking demon weed and we’re gonna go to jail.
***SherriffofWellwooodforrest pulls the car over***
SundinBloodySundin: we’re not gonna go to jail
Sonofamitch: what if they take our sassafras?
SchennSational: they’re gonna smell it. Oh god! You guys! My brain is eating itself!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: DUDE! Just everybody chill the fuck out! I got this
Supertrooper: good evening, any chance I could see you license and registration?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: sure thing officer Ramrod
Supertrooper: what did you just call me?
stajanNotCajun: he looks like the guy from Supertroopers
Supertrooper: Yes, fine, I get that a lot. Littering and littering and whatnot.
SundinBloodySundin: Are you gonna beat Kyle?
Supertrooper: Meow mr. Wellwood, do you know what I pulled you over?
Sonofamitch : Did he just say meow?
stajanNotCajun:Shhh dude, he’s totally gonna do it, heehee
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Cuz you’re bored and it’s your job?
Supertrooper: Well, uh, dammit, kid don’t mess with me you will NOT WIN!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Am I gonna get a ticket? I just don’t have any money on me to pay for one, but I could give you some doughnuts. Cuz yanno, like, you’re just gonna take the money I give you for a ticket for coffee and doughnuts, right? So I’ll be, like, saving you paperwork, yanno?
Supertrooper: well, I have been out here all night, I wouldn’t mind that box in the back.
SundinBloodySundin: Matty, Mitchell, pass that up
Sonofamitch: Rokay!
SchennSational: like, ok, man!
***Supertrooper has received box of Timmy Ho’s Doughnuts***
Supertrooper: Well, have a good night boys.
***Supertrooper has left the chat room***
stajanNotCajun: Wait, Luke, which box did you grab?
SchennSational: Like I dunno man, I just grabbed a box
SundinBloodySundin: Oh no, You could have given the officer the one with the weed in it
Sonofamitch: Ruh ro!
stajanNotCajun: let’s get out of here!
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Wait, the one with the weed should have only 6, the other one was a full dozen
SchennSational: Like Sorry Welly, me an Mitchell wanted some snacks so we ate them.
Sonofamitch: really rasty!
SundinBloodySundin : You two can eat a lot of doughnuts! I hope we can solve this mystery!
stajanNotCajun: what mystery?
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: Jinkies! Is that a ghost?
Sonofamitch: Ro no!
SchennSational: Like g-g-g-ghost!
SundinBloodySundin: that’s no ghost….it’s just Jason Blake!
***thumping noise***
SherriffofWellwooodforrest: did we just run over Jason Blake?
SchennSational: Like, I’m never hanging out with you guys again.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

LOLeafs: West Coast swing edition (sort of)


I realized I hadn't done one of these in a while, so it looks like I'll do a weekly recap or something with these. Let me know how that'll work. As usual, all photos stolen from Yahoo! NHL page.



(for those not in the now, Nightmare Moose refers to this guy, frequently seen over at PPP)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Welcome to Maple Leafs Chat!

**Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Team Chat room!**

StajanNotCajun: Alex, can I be honest?

Full_STEEN_Ahead: sure man u can tell me anything

StajanNotCajun: …I’m really ghonna miss kyle

Full_STEEN_Ahead: DAMMIT not again you’ve been bitchin about this all summer

StajanNotCajun:I kno, it’s just …he was my best friend, you kno? Now that he’s in Soveit league it feels like I’m never gonna see him again

Full_STEEN_Ahead: Soviet league? Dude, he’s in Vancouver!

StajanNotCajun: like I said, he’s in russia or some shit

Full_STEEN_Ahead: Vancouver’s in British Columbia, you knob!

StajanNotCajun: BRITISH Columbia? Shit man, that’s even farther than Russia.

Full_STEEN_Ahead: We play Vancouver! Well, not all the time, but a few times a year!

StajanNotCajun: aren’t those just like, exhibition games or something? Do they even count?

Full_STEEN_Ahead: look, people get placed on waivers all the time. Kyle’ll be fine. Just look at Dominic Moore.

StajanNotCajun: to be honest, that guy gives me the creeps

Full_STEEN_Ahead: yea he kinda does—what about Raycroft? He’s in Colorado now…somehow

StajanNotCajun: but the thought of Welley sucking that many dicks gives me nightmares

Full_STEEN_Ahead: right. Ewww

StajanNotCajun: what I need is a new best friend

Full_STEEN_Ahead: really? Um, ok. …..

StajanNotCajun: what?

Full_STEEN_Ahead: Thought it was me for a second, sorry

StajanNotCajun: I mean someone to go out with and stuff. Like don’t get me wrong, your awesome, but you’re married and you have offspring and such

Full_STEEN_Ahead: …is this conversastion going where I think it is?

StajanNotCajun: wait. WHAT???? no, leave the slash stuff for your live journal

StajanNotCajun: I mean like a wingman, you know? Someone who compared to me makes me look even prettier than I am

Full_STEEN_Ahead: uhhh…

StajanNotCajun: all the other guys on the squad are either not going out guys or they’re much much prettier than I am

Full_STEEN_Ahead: We have guys too pretty to be wingmen?

StajanNotCajun: tosk. Tlusty….actually that’s about it

Full_STEEN_Ahead: What about Ian?

StajanNotCajun: wel, compared to ian I’m both pretty AND smart. Only prob is I can’t think of any good times I could have riding the TTC with him

Full_STEEN_Ahead: you could always be the designated driver, you know

StajanNotCajun: FUCK THAT. Remember what he did to my car last time we tried that?

Full_STEEN_Ahead: yea. LOL

***Meanwhile in the Vancouver Canucks Chatroom***

Sherriff_of_Wellwood_Forest: *tortured sigh*

ThisLandIsOhlund: What now? are you thinking about that Stajun again?

Sherriff_of_Wellwood_Forest: He was my best friend, you know? Not to mention an excellent wingman

ThisLandIsOhlund: wait, what?

Sherriff_of_Wellwood_Forest: I mean, whenever I went out with him, I always looked like a billion times smarter just standing next to the guy. Even smarter than I already am lol

ThisLandIsOhlund: oh come on kyle, there’s lots of dumb ppl in vancouver

Sherriff_of_Wellwood_Forest: right, but will they want to hang out with me? Man, I’m so depressed .I'm gonna go listen to some Linkin Park and get myself a Dorotios and cookie dough ice cream sundae

ThisLandIsOhlund: that’s grosser than gross.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Obligatory thoughts on certain departures

You know, with the current situation in the Maple Leafs that has lots of folks leaving and whatnot, I (and lots of other Leafs bloggers) have been feeling really down. This is especially true with Darcy Tucker. Tucker was one of my favourite Leafs to write with/about (whatever it is I do). So here I present one last (for now) project with the departing Leafs, just to cheer things up a bit. (the first time a new screen name is mentioned, it links to the player's Hockey Database page) So allow me to take a page from The Dugout:

Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Harrison_Steel: Hey guys, does anyone know where I could find a decent English-Swiss dictionary?

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: I don’t think they exist i don’t think swiss is a language

Harrison_Steel: But how do they communicate? Do thye just use like sign language or something?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker has entered the chat room

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: Hey guys

Harrison_Steel: hey

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Sucks to see you go, man

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: It does! It sucks like Raycroft’s mom. But Calgary can’t be that bad, can it?

World_of_Raycroft has entered the chat room

Sheriff_of_Wellwood_forrest has entered the chat room

World_of_Raycroft:Hi everyboday! Its me! Raycroft, you know?

Harrison_Steel: Uh, yeah, we can read, Raycroft

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Even me!

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: We were just having a conversation amongst ourselves

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest:hey guys BC salmon sucks

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Tucker, you played for Tampa Bay back before they won stuff, right?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: yeah Calgary can’t be *that* bad

World_of_Raycroft: mood: depressed

World_of_Raycroft: oops wrong window hah, or should I say LOL!

Harrison_Steel: whatevs

World_of_Raycroft: God, I’m so depressed right now. I keep drinking hot cocoa and listening to Sarah MacLaughlin but I don’t feel any different.

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: You listen to Sarah MacLaughin when you’re depressed? Isn’t that like putting gasoline on a bonfire?

World_of_Raycroft: like, all the stuff I read about Tucker leaving is all “oh we’ll miss you, your awesome” and all the stuff about me is like, “good riddance”

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: With all due respect, that’s because you’re a sack of crap and nobody likes you

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: That was kinda mean, dude

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: What? I’m being honest! And I said “with all due respect”

World_of_Raycroft: That’s it. Like Budd Dwyer, I’m going out with a bang

World_of_Raycroft: *grabs pistol*

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Rayray, no don’t do it!

Harrison_Steel oh shit, man, don’t!

World_of_Raycroft:*puts pistol barrel in mouth*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: DON”T DO IT! Think of whoever has to clean that up. I mean, blood doesn’t come out of stuff easily. Trust me I know!

World_of_Raycroft: I told you guys I was hardcore

World_of_Raycroft: *pulls trigger*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: oh shitohshitohshitohshit

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Fuck!

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: just…stunned…

World_of_Raycroft: …OMGWTFBBQ SAUCE AN EXTRA CHEESE

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: G-G-G-GHOST! AHH!

World_of_Raycroft: Nah, the gun I just shot myself with? Turns out it was just a cap gun

Harrison_Steel: Seriously? ROFLMAO

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: EPIC FAIL

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: bwahahahahahHAHAHAHA OH SHIT HAHAHA!!!

World_of_Raycroft: Screw you guys I'm going home!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Travels With Carlo: The Tribe of Treachery

(SCENE: COLAIACOVO, STEEN, WELLWOOD are in a small prop plane being flown by GUIDE (old British man) over what looks to be a remote grassy area)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, Carlo COlaiacovo once again and I’m on a trip to find a shaman or some sort of trainer to help me over come my nasty injury bug.

WELLWOOD: Uh, Carlo, who are you, uh, talking to?

STEEN: Is this like Candid Camera or something? Are we about to get punk’d?

COLAIACOVO: With me today are Kyle Wellwood, Alex Steen and our guide, um, I forgot your name…

GUIDE: Lloyd Elrick Mackerbottom: anthropological expert and amateur poodle groomer.

COLAIACOVO: So anyway, Lord Mackey says he knows this really remote African tribe that has, like, one of the top shamans in the world for resiliency charms, which is what I’m after. (GUIDE lands plane)

GUIDE: Now, this tribe is extremely remote and it has dwindled significantly. However, they remain a proud and noble race. As you leave the plane, just follow my lead (ALL exit plane)

COLAIACOVO: OW! Oh man, I hit my nose guys, I think it’s broken…or at least bleeding

10 minutes later…

GUIDE: It’s quite a good stroke of luck that my wife also flies this plane; as a result she keeps a good stock of tampons on board.

COLAIACOVO: Oh yeah, I feel tho lucky and blethed.

STEEN: Should you have a lisp with a broken nose?

COLAIACOVO: I thuthpect that I bit my tongue at the thame time ath breaking my nothe.

WELLWOOD: Hold on…if we’re in Africa, shouldn’t we have gotten a ton of shots before we left? And shouldn’t we have gotten visas and stuff like that for visiting foreign lands?

GUIDE: Well, my good boy, we’re going to an extremely remote part of Africa that hasn’t really been permanently settled yet.

WELLWOOD: That may be, but the entire continent has been carved up into countries, even the remote bits. Are we here illegally? And shouldn’t the trip have taken longer than 45 minutes?

GUIDE: Time zones, my good boy—it only felt like 45 minutes. Oh look, here is the tribe now (two men in “traditional African clothing” appear)

STEEN: The whole tribe is these two guys?

GUIDE:I told you their numbers have dwindled significantly (GUIDE and TRIBESMEN exchange gibberish-sounding dialogue) Ah yes, this one is called Ubuntu, and he is the shaman of the tribe. The other is named Mogwai and he is Ubuntu’s assistant.

UBUNTU: Huminahumina Barcalounger!

MOGWAI: Huminahumina Habeus Corpus!

GUIDE:They welcome you to their home, but before we can fully enter their territory, Ubuntu must assign each of you a sacred name.

UBUNTU (to WELLWOOD):Huminahumina…Gravytits!

COLAIACOVO: (laughing) Ah man, that ith THO funny! I’m tho calling you that from now on!

WELLWOOD: That’s just mean.

UBUNTU and MOGWAI: (excited gibberish at STEEN)

COLAIACOVO: What’d they thay?

GUIDE: Apparently your friend’s large nose means that this tribe regards him as a powerful medicine man himself. He is welcome to do as he pleases.

MOGWAI: huminahumina, mi casa es su casa!

STEEN:Really? Cool!

UBUNTU (at COLAIACOVO): Huminahumina…Born of Balsa Wood!

COLAIACOVO: Fair enough

WELLWOOD: What the—my shirt’s brown! It was white before!

COLAIACOVO: I thmell gravy.

STEEN: I dunno about you guys, but I just got a huge craving for KFC.

GUIDE: It looks like your nipples are leaking…gravy?

STEEN: Well, powerful shamans like us do have great powers of divination…I mean, your name is Gravytits.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that! It’s not funny!

COLAIACOVO: I’m laughing.

GUIDE: OK, now that we have all made our introductions, we can begin the healing ceremony. Alex, since you are the shaman representing us, you get to start

STEEN: Uh, what do I say?

COLAIACOVO: Try thomthing in Thwedish!

STEEN: OK, uh, humin humina…something in Swedish!

GUIDE: Alright then, Mogwai is going to fetch a small holy biscuit and you, Carlo, must eat your friend’s breast gravy off of it.

COLAIACOVO: Do you guys think that this counts as a homosexual experience?

WELLWOOD: Probably not, but I think this goes under “stuff that shall never, ever, ever be discussed again.” (UBUNTU and MOGWAI start laughing hysterically)

COLAIACOVO: What’s so funny?
UBUNTU: Ah man, I can’t keep it up anymore—we’re just FOOLING with ya, man! I mean, “Sacred ceremony” haha!
MOGWAI : “holy biscuit!” By the way, my name’s Leon, and he’s my buddy Francis.

STEEN: So I’m not really an all-powerful shaman? Well, crap.

COLAIACOVO: Wait a thecond; aren’t you that old Britih guy who chathed me out of your houthe when I wath doing the opening to “Travelth with Carlo”?

GUIDE: Alas, you have discovered my ruse. I rented a soundstage and hired some random yahoos to pose as African tribesmen to humiliate you.

WELLWOOD: It seems a bit intricate for simple revenge. But how did you make me squirt gravy like that?

GUIDE: I didn’t do that. I suppose you’re just a freak of nature.

COLAIACOVO: Ah thcrew it, let’th jutht get some donuth or thomething. Come on, Gravytith.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that!

COLAIACOVO: No way!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over




TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Post-Season Summer plans



Due to shifty and highly illegal means, I have obtained the summer itineraries of several members of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I feel obliged to share them with you here:

Tomas Kaberle: creating a way to travel to the moon without using fossil fuels

Andrew Raycroft: stocking up on razor blades and watching this since the real thing won't be happening this summer

Kyle Wellwood: after a disappointing season, he will spend the summer finding a way to “Rickroll” the ACC Jumbotron on opening night. In the event he gets traded, his last game will feature “2girls1cup”

Bryan McCabe: will spend at least a day staring at a section of aluminum foil, telling his wife, “Look honey, there's a guy who looks just like me in our kitchen!” Or possibly holding a never ending party.

Darcy Tucker: Kick Sean Avery's dog, light Daniel Alfredsson's golf clubs on fire, and send Mike Peca a box of chocolates

Johnny Pohl and Dominic Moore: after taking the stage names of "Jason Spezza" and "Sidney Crosby", respectively, they will star in the soon-to-be-classic adult title "Sin Bin Sluts: 5 for Fucking". Alex Steen will assist them by being "the guy who holds the microphone, so that way I won't be the one getting herpes" (his words not mine)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

LolLeafs: What the Hell do I Write about Now? Edition



BIG thanks to all you fine folks who kept up with and commented on the Leafer Madness series. Now I just have to think of a way to top it...until then, more LolLeafs for everybody!

photo one: Dave Sandford/Getty Images
photo two: AP Photo/David Duprey
Photo three: AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Fred Chartrand

 

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