Halloween Beer Run or Horror, CONCLUSION

Part one

Part two

(MEANWHILE at PHANEUF's place, KABERLE is having a very rocking party featuring many of the other Leafs and members of the Marlies.)

LUKE SCHENN: (dressed as Garth Brooks) Gee, Jonas, your costume's really cool looking, but I don't quite get it.

JONAS GUSTAVSSON: (dressed as a set of wind chimes.) Thank you. I got idea after Giguere saw pictures of my girlfriend. He said something like, “You two are so skinny, when you get it on, it must look like a set of wind chimes.”

SCHENN: Kabbie, where did you get all of this beer and other stuff? This is fantastic!

KABERLE: I know! I just found it under that cabinet over there. It looks like someone went to Costco a few days ago. Which is weird, because Phaneuf and some of the other guys went on a beer run.

(PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, KESSEL, and BOZAK enter)

PHANEUF: Kabbie, whats going on?

CUTHBERT: Where did all of the guys come from?

KABERLE: They just showed up! And oh, it turns out, you had enough beer all along. You must have forgotten.

KESSEL: Really? That's awesome!

UNSEEN LEAF: FLIP CUP, MOTHER FUCKERS!

BOZAK: YEAH! (leaves to join flip cup game)

CUTHBERT: That's right, honey. We did that Costco trip a few days ago.

KESSEL: Costco makes beer now?

BOZAK: I AM THE FLIP CUP MASTER BITCHES!

KESSEL: WHOO BOY! FLIP CUP (Leaves to join game of flip cup)

PHANEUF: Huh...so I guess it all worked out in the end.

(Suddenly, SEAN AVERY, dressed as Lady Gaga, enters the room. The great times and loud music suddenly stop as an uneasy silence blankets the room)

SEAN AVERY: 'Sup sluts?

PHANEUF: Avery, what the hell are you doing here?

AVERY:It's off-ice time, muffhump. I'm looking for some sweet relaxation. And by “sweet relaxation”, I really mean stealing your ladies and grinding every piece of pussy until my dick falls off.”

PHANEUF: Hey, that's my line! I am the one dressed as the My New Haircut guy!

CUTHBERT: Sean, I think it's better if you leave right now.

AVERY: Nah, it's cool. Where's that Mike Cumsock or Jizzrag or whatever the fuck dumbass Polack name he has? I wanted to tell him how much that dumb, ugly twatwaffle can't fight or skate worth a shit.

CUTHBERT: Sean, listen to me. You really need to cut this shit out. I know you like the attention, but that's because you're a whore for it. And you're not even a good whore. In terms of whoredom, you're like the whore who gives out handjobs for fifty cents in back of a Denny's. That's why I left your ass in the first place. Maybe you need help from an actual professional. But all I know is I'm not the kind of professional you need. Neither is the NHL disciplinary board.

AVERY: Hush girl, you know you still want this.

CUTHBERT: Ew, no. I just got that cleared up.

PHANEUF: I'm gonna, I will smash your face into a jelly!

AVERY: (sarcastically) Oooh! I'm , like, totally scared of the Maple Leafs! What are you gonna do, dry up and blow away?

(PHANEUF walks to AVERY and punches AVERY repeatedly in the face. AVERY is knocked unconscious.)

PHANEUF: Well, now that Cunty McHookerface is out cold, what do you say we break out the sharpies and saran wrap him to the balcony? It's what you do to the first person out, right?

KABERLE: But Brett Lebda has been passed out on the couch for 20 minutes.

PHANEUF: Pfft. Lebda don't count for shit.

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

Part one is here.  

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)

PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!

TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...

DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?

CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)

PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)

MIKE KOMISAREK: Oh! Hey guys!

PHANEUF: ...Mike?

CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!

BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?

KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.

BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)

KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?

BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.

KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.

KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.

KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?

KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?

PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.

KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.

KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...

CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.

KESSEL: Oh yeah...

BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.

PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.

KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.

PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.

KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)

CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...

PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?

CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!

BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.

CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)

PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!

CUTHBERT: I love you babe!

KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!

BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)

TIM BRENT: Phil!

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Bozie!

BRENT: Dion!

GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!

NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)

PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?

BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.

GRABOVSKI: As you vish.

BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!

KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?

KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!

BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.

GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.

BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?

KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!

BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)

CUTHBERT: Hey guys!

KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?

CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!

PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)

BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!

KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.

PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!

CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?

BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?

PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.

BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.

GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.

KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.

CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.

KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.

PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.

KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 

Halloween at Carlo's

(NOTE: due to highly secretive and probably illegal methods, I bring to you the Maple Leafs' Halloween Shindig, 2008!--LD)

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO’S apartment. COLAIACOVO is dressed as Mario. IAN WHITE enters, also dressed as Mario)

COLAIACOVO: Why the Hell are you dressed as Mario? We agreed, I was gonna be Mario, and you were gonna be Luigi

WHITE: Fuck Luigi. Luigi sucks!

COLAIACOVO: That’s why I wanted to be Mario and not Luigi.

WHITE: Screw you then! Maybe I’ll be Wario so’s I can atomic fart on your face! Filthy fuckin’ Eye-talians, anyway! (leaves)

(Knock at the door. COLAIACOVO answers it and MATT STAJAN, dressed as Sailor Moon and ALEX STEEN, dressed as generic emo kid, enter)

COLAIACOVO: Hey guys. Nice legs, Matt—no homo

STAJAN: Well, Alex and I had a bet and the loser had to go out in drag, soo…

STEEN: I still can’t believe you thought that you could get pregnant from drinking Dr. Pepper

STAJAN: Shut it, emo boy!

STEEN: But I’m so full of angst!

STAJAN: So why did Ian White looked so pissed off when he left?

COLAIACOVO: Oh, he’s just mad he wasn’t gonna be Mario. Don’t worry about it (Knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and PAVEL KUBINA, totally naked, enters)

KUBINA: ‘sup?

COLAIACOVO: Kubie…why are you naked?

KUBINA: It’s my custume. I’s a nudist

COLAIACOVO: Dude, being naked does not count as a costume. Come back when you have an accrual costume (closes door. Knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and sees KUBINA, naked and holding a cell phone)

KUBINA: Jiri Tlusty?

COLAIACOVO: Doesn’t count—get a real costume. (shuts door. Knock and DOMINIC MOORE enters, dressed in a dark long sleeved thermal shirt totally wrapped in plastic wrap and leather gloves) http://ifyouwriteit.blogspot.com/2007/11/darkly-dreaming-dexter-on-showtime.html

MOORE: Hey Carlo. Why isn’t Kubie in here? Nice legs, Matty

COLAIACOVO: Kubie didn’t have a costume. He just showed up naked.

STAJAN: Why do people have to keep mentioning my legs?

STEEN: Because you’re wearing such a short skirt. God, you’re such an attention whore.

STAJAN: Dom, I don’t really get your costume

MOORE: Well, I’m Dexter

STAJANY: you mean, like, in Dexter’s Laboratory?

MOORE: No, no, nothing like Dexter’s Laboratory

STEEN: If I really were emo, I’d write a poem about it called “Stabby Stab Stabpants”. (knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and sees WHITE in a Colaiacovo jersey with bandage around his head, fake blood coming out his ears, one arm in a sling and on crutches )

COLAIACOVO: Ian, you’re a douche. Seriously.

WHITE: How do you like it when White lightning strikes, bitch?

MOORE: That’s actually mildly funny.

STAJAN: nicely played, dude.

STEEN: What the…is Pavel Kubina back…and still naked? (KUBINA enters naked but with “LIFEGARRD” and a cross painted in his chest, wearing sunglasss and a hat)

KUBINA: I’s a lifeguard at nude beach. Is a costume, I phoned Kabby and he says yes.

STEEN: Where the hell is Kabby anyway? I haven’t seen him anywhere lately

STAJAN: You know, I haven’t seen him anywhere either.

WHITE: Where is ANYONE? We can’t seriously be the only ones here.

STEEN: talk about being full of fail. We’re failtacular, guys!

STAJAN: Wait a second….it’s a bunch of guys and I’m the closest one to a girl…this isn’t a gay orgy is it? I won’t take part in a gay orgy!

MOORE: Well, to be honest, you do have pretty eyes

STAJAN: Dammit, not again.

STEEN: tortured sigh…