CLARK: Oh that’s nothing compared to other people on the team (CLARK transports KABERLE to downtown Toronto at night. JOHN MITCHELL, IAN WHITE, AND LUKE SCHENN are assembled on a street corner—MITCHELL with a shot gun, WHITE with a harpoon and SCHENN with a baseball bat. )
SCHENN: Ian, where’d you get a harpoon?
WHITE: I know some people who know some people. What I wanna know is how Johnny got his gun
MITCHELL: (mockingly) I know some people who know some people.
SCHENN: Whatever, they’ll work to get the thing that killed Kabbie. what’s a chupa...thingy look like?
WHITE: I dunno, a puma? A warthog?
MITCHELL: I thought it was some big lizard thingy...
SCHENN: I think the chupacapra sucks out goats , so should we get a goat to use for bait?
MITCHELL: But didn’t it attack Kaberle, not a goat?
WHITE: I know! We get his brother and use him as bait!
SCHENN: SHH! I hear something, behind those bushes....IT’S THE CHUPACABRA! (MITCHELL fires gun, LEE STEMPNIAK falls down from the bushes, shot in the face but still alive)
MITCHELL: OH SHIT! OH....FUCK! OH SHITFUCKCUNTWAD! GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!
SCHENN: We’re so screwed!
WHITE: Wait, “we”? I didn’t pull the trigger or anything!
STEMPNIAK: (gurgling noises)
MITCHELL: fuck...is he...still alive?
WHITE: Schenner, poke him with something.
SCHENN: Me? Why do I have to play with the dead body?
WHITE: It’s what rookies do, they investigate dead bodies. You’ll understand when you’ve been playing pro for a few years. (SCHENN gingerly taps STEMPNIAK in the head with his shoe)
STEMPNIAK: (angry gurgling noises)
SCHENN:Oh man, now he’s pissed ‘cause I poked him in the head (STEMPNIAK stops twitching and falls silent. MITCHELL and SCHENN now lose it)
SCHENN: ohmanohmanohmanohman WE’RE DEAD! DEAD!
WHITE: Schenner! John! Calm the fuck down! Ok, so...I think that we can all agree that the only way out of this is ritual Japanese suicide.
SCHENN: But we’re not Japanese!
KABERLE: They won’t really commit seppuku, will they Wendel? They can’t!
CLARK: Nah, they won’t. Ian’s just gonna drink himself stupid, Mitchell will be a nervous wreck his whole life, and Schenn’s night terrors just got a whole lot worse.
KABERLE: He has night terrors?
CLARK: He will now.
Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to It's a Wendelful life!
Monday, February 2, 2009