Monday, February 2, 2009

It's a Wendelful Life, part 2

Part one

CLARK: Oh that’s nothing compared to other people on the team (CLARK transports KABERLE to downtown Toronto at night. JOHN MITCHELL, IAN WHITE, AND LUKE SCHENN are assembled on a street corner—MITCHELL with a shot gun, WHITE with a harpoon and SCHENN with a baseball bat. )
SCHENN: Ian, where’d you get a harpoon?
WHITE: I know some people who know some people. What I wanna know is how Johnny got his gun
MITCHELL: (mockingly) I know some people who know some people.
SCHENN: Whatever, they’ll work to get the thing that killed Kabbie. what’s a chupa...thingy look like?
WHITE: I dunno, a puma? A warthog?
MITCHELL: I thought it was some big lizard thingy...
SCHENN: I think the chupacapra sucks out goats , so should we get a goat to use for bait?
MITCHELL: But didn’t it attack Kaberle, not a goat?
WHITE: I know! We get his brother and use him as bait!
SCHENN: SHH! I hear something, behind those bushes....IT’S THE CHUPACABRA! (MITCHELL fires gun, LEE STEMPNIAK falls down from the bushes, shot in the face but still alive)
MITCHELL: OH SHIT! OH....FUCK! OH SHITFUCKCUNTWAD! GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!
SCHENN: We’re so screwed!
WHITE: Wait, “we”? I didn’t pull the trigger or anything!
STEMPNIAK: (gurgling noises)
MITCHELL: fuck...is he...still alive?
WHITE: Schenner, poke him with something.
SCHENN: Me? Why do I have to play with the dead body?
WHITE: It’s what rookies do, they investigate dead bodies. You’ll understand when you’ve been playing pro for a few years. (SCHENN gingerly taps STEMPNIAK in the head with his shoe)
STEMPNIAK: (angry gurgling noises)
SCHENN:Oh man, now he’s pissed ‘cause I poked him in the head (STEMPNIAK stops twitching and falls silent. MITCHELL and SCHENN now lose it)
SCHENN: ohmanohmanohmanohman WE’RE DEAD! DEAD!
MITCHELL: SHITFUCKINGTACOS!
WHITE: Schenner! John! Calm the fuck down! Ok, so...I think that we can all agree that the only way out of this is ritual Japanese suicide.
SCHENN: But we’re not Japanese!
KABERLE: They won’t really commit seppuku, will they Wendel? They can’t!
CLARK: Nah, they won’t. Ian’s just gonna drink himself stupid, Mitchell will be a nervous wreck his whole life, and Schenn’s night terrors just got a whole lot worse.
KABERLE: He has night terrors?
CLARK: He will now.
KABERLE:Poor kid


Be sure to stay tuned for the conclusion to It's a Wendelful life!

5 Comments:

wrap around curl said...

I will protect Schenn from his night terrors.

Spec7ral said...

Shitfuckingtacos. Tasty!

Kriv said...

once again Stempniak has to go and fuck everything up

Loser Domi said...

wrap, I'm sure he appreciates it

Spec7ral, I don't think you've been around here. Welcome!

Kriv, Welcome if you haven't been here before (I think you have, but I dunno) Notice this is the first time I've had Stempniak in anything and I have him get shot in the face

Kriv said...

I haven't been here before, I think. Saw the site on maple leaf shot stove. I really like these stories, very funny, keep'em up!

 

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