Sunday, March 1, 2009

Maple Leafs Chat: TomasKaberle's Bad Night

***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs***
Schenn_Sational: Man, I have such a headache!
SonOfAMitch: Yeah, I’m really feeling last night.
DeathKabs_4_QT:What happened?
White Lightning: Me, Schenner and Mitchell were hanging out. We were having a Smash Brothers Tournament
Schenn_Sational: We must’ve had like 36 pixie sticks each!
DeathKabs_4_QT: In a row?
SonOfAMitch: and like 6 Red Bulls and a LOT of cookies
White Lightning: We didn’t get any sleep, we were just, like, bouncing off the walls from so much sugar.
Schenn_Sational: I don’t even remember much, I just remember I somehow won with Zelda
DeathKabs_4_QT: You guys, that’s not a bad night. Let me tell you about a bad night
***Welcome to flashback chat, two seasons ago, outside of some random titty bar***
SundinBloodySundin: Man, I hate waiting in lines!
DeathKabs_4_QT: I know! I cannot believe a place like this has a line!
McCable_and_Ready: I’m cold and hungry…and horny
***BaaaadMuthaTucker and Pavel_Road haven entered the chat room!***
BaaaadMuthaTucker: Wow Bryan, The missus let you out!
McCable_and_Ready: She said as long as I looked but didn’t touch she wouldn’t cut my balls off.
DeathKabs_4_QT: I thought she did already. *snicker*
SundinBloodySundin: So why are you two so late?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: well, Pavel here had to make a pharmacy trip and he didn’t know where it was and—hey wait a sec, we’re only like 3 minutes late!
Pavel_Road: /grunts
Pavel_Road: stupid Swedes gots to be right early for everthing and makes the rest of us look like douches. Whatever. Who wants a Vicodin?
McCable_and_Ready:I do! I want one!
DeathKabs_4_QT: No you don’t. Vicodin makes you all weepy and I don’t want to babysit you again.
SundinBloodySundin: Hey, we can go in now! Pay the man, Darcy.
BaaaadMuthaTucker:….What?
DeathKabs_4_QT: did you think the captain of the Leafs pays his own way into strip clubs?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: What about you and McCabe?
McCable_and_Ready: A’s don’t pay either.
BaaaadMuthaTucker: Does Captain Hobo Beard pay to get in?
Pavel_Road: Of course!
Pavel_Road:/hands envelope of painkillers to bouncer
***all enter Titty Bar Chat room!***
DeathKabs_4_QT: I don’t know why I even bother coming out anymore. You pay to get in, you stand around in a dark room and pay to drink overpriced alcohol…it’s just a good way to waste money.
SundinBloodySundin: Then why do you come out?
DeathKabs_4_QT: well, somebody has to watch McCabe
DeathKabs_4_QT: Bryan! Leave that woman’s ear alone!
Bar_keep: Why are you pulling my ear?
McCable_and_Ready: But her earrings are so dangly and shiny!
Announcer: Let’s hear a round of applause for Amber!
Bar_goers: /scattered applause
Announcer: Now on the main stage give it up for Taffy!
***TaffyTheStripper has entered the chat room***
TaffyTheStripper:…Pavel?
Pavel_Road : I think I knew you as Karamela, but hi!
BaaaadMuthaTucker: wait, you two know each other?
Pavel_Road : You win a cup it means it’s raining hot bitches
McCable_and_Ready: Oh man! I don’t have any paper money…
BaaaadMuthaTucker: What kind of idiot goes to a titty bar without paper money? Actually…don’t answer that.
McCable_and_Ready: well, it looks like all have is this pocket of loonies and toonies. Oh well—MAKE IT RAIN!
McCable_and_Ready: /throws change at TaffyTheStripper
TaffyTheStripper: Ow! OW!! What the hell?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: More like make it hail!
TaffyTheStripper: /slips on change
TaffyTheStripper: /sprains ankle
SundinBloodySundin: Oh, shit! the manager’s coming, let’s get out of here!
***all exit the titty bar!***
McCable_and_Ready: Hey guys…what’s that place over there?
BaaaadMuthaTucker: “Skybow”? I’ve never heard of it.
SundinBloodySundin: Wow! The chicks are so desperate they’re dancing with each other!
DeathKabs_4_QT: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this…
***all enter Skybow chat room***
Bar_keep: What in the hell do you boys think you’re doing in here?
DeathKabs_4_QT: This is a lesbian bar, isn’t it? Hehe, you see, my friends didn’t know that and we’re just on our way out, right guys?
Bar_keep: Oh boys we don’t care about your parts, but all we care about is that all 5 of you are pylons for the Leafs. This here is a Sens bar!
Unseen_Lez: Go Sens go!
***bar_keep is now brandishing a baseball bat***
***all exit the Skybow Chatroom***
DeathKabs_4_QT: I told you guys that was a bad idea!
BaaaadMuthaTucker: A lesbian Sens bar? That’s a new one…
Pavel_Road: Oouf! What the—oh ok, I just tripped on that pile of newspapers.
SundinBloodySundin: That’s not a pile of newspapers, it’s a homeless man!
McCable_and_Ready: And it’s not just any homeless man—that’s Aki Berg!
Aki_breaky_berg: ….spare…change….?
SundinBloodySundin: Man, seeing Aki like this is just depressing.
Aki_breaky_berg: ….meth…doesn’t…buy….it…self
DeathKabs_4_QT: I dunno about you guys, but I’m just gonna go over here—
Aki_breaky_berg: Crackhead…army…assemble!
***Crackhead_army has descended on Pavel_Road, McCable_and_Ready, SundinBloodySundin, BaaaadMuthaTucker and DeathKabs_4_QT***
***Crackhead Army has beaten the everloving crap out of Pavel_Road, McCable_and_Ready, SundinBloodySundin, BaaaadMuthaTucker and DeathKabs_4_QT***
SundinBloodySundin: I think that was the fastest I’ve ever seen Aki move.
Pavel_Road : yous guys, get off me…
McCable_and_Ready: I don’t think my elbow is supposed to bend like that…
BaaaadMuthaTucker: dammit they stole my wallet!
Pavel_Road : They stole all my vicodin!
DeathKabs_4_QT: That’s it! I’m done, screw you guys, I’m going home! Getting beaten up by crackheads is where I draw the line!
***welcome back to present chat!***
SonOfAMitch: Holy crap, Kabs.
Schenn_Saitional: That IS a terrible night!
DeathKabs_4_QT: And that was all BEFORE the cops showed up. Apparently lying on the sidewalk in pain is loitering or something.
White Lightning: Man, I feel terrible for you.
DeathKabs_4_QT: Don’t worry about it. Someday, if I’m REALLY sad, I’ll tell you about the time Aki Berg saved Christmas.



7 Comments:

Junior said...

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Kabs = Cartman!!

Funny stuff, LD. But I'm still waiting for the musical.

Loser Domi said...

Junior, as soon as I can find a choreographer and a good cast, I can do the musical

sleza said...

Somewhere in Turku Aki Berg just shivered with fear....

tugboats and arson said...

this had all the makings of something amazing.
i mean, pixie sticks + strip club + homeless aki berg?
i agree with junior, the musical shall be magical.

Loser Domi said...

Sleza, isn't that normal for Aki Berg?

Tugboats, don't forget the lesbian Sens bar

Grrrreg said...

Wow, hockey players live a fascinating life.
Schenn, Mitchell and White getting high on red bull and cookies really made me laugh. Great work, as usual!

GB said...

Aki Berg saved Christmas? He's my new hero. Move over, Lonny Bohonos!

Great post, BTW. Keep up the good work!

 

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