(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK, MIKE KOMISAREK, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI are on a couch in STEMPNIAK's house)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Ask Lee Stempniak!
MIKE KOMISAREK: It’s ask the injury reserve edition! The best advice show Hot Pockets can buy!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Death pockets!
STEMPNIAK: With me are fellow hockey players Mike Komisarek and Mikhail Grabovski. It’s a special Valentine’s edition of the show this time.
KOMISAREK: It’s the kind of thing we do great.
STEMPNIAK: The first question is from Alex in Westchester, who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: My girlfriend and I have an anniversary coming up. Neither of us is really into romantic stuff, so you got any ideas for dates that aren’t just the standard “dinner and a movie” or “cook each other dinner” bullcrap?”
KOMISAREK: Hrmmm…it depends what you and your girl are into. If you guys are both into a certain band or if your both hockey fans, I’d suggest you go to a concert or a game.
GRABOVSKI: And I cans say if yous in hockey or other sports, you can talk about game while it goes. Is not like in movie or concert.
STEMPNIAK: You know what else you could do is, like, those workshops that Home Depot does where you learn how to do home improvement stuff. Another kind of “offbeat” thing you can do is go to a firing range followed by a nice dinner—you know, a mix of soft feminine with hard butch.
KOMISAREK: Honestly, if a girl wanted to go to Home Depot and a firing range with me, I’d drop to one knee and propose on the spot.
STEMPNIAK: Our next letter is from Shoshanna in Kingston who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and we’re going out to karaoke with some friends. The problem is that we don’t really like any of the same music. What are some romantic song selections that aren’t too sappy that we can both like?”
KOMISAREK: You two will have to answer this one because I know I would be way too tempted to sing stuff like “Baby Got Back” or something. LA Face with an Oakland booty! (makes whipping noise)
STEMPNIAK: You know, I always thought that “Born to Run” was a nice, not-too-sappy love song.
GRABOVSKI: …yous serious?
STEMPNIAK: Well, yeah.
KOMISAREK: Dude, “Born to Run” is about getting the Hell out of New Jersey.
STEMPNIAK: But it’s got that whole “let’s take on the world and have adventures” vibe…
KOMISAREK: It couldn’t be more about getting the fuck out of New Jersey if Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to “Tramps like us gotta get the fuck out of New Jersey.” It says the word “suicide” twice!
STEMPNIAK: …I like my reading of it better. Grabbo, what do you think is a good love song?
GRABOVSKI: I likes that version of Springsteen, is how I sing it now! I also likes Rolling Stones! But for singings, I liking “Tequila.”
STEMPNIAK: Well, hey, that one’s funny and cute and would be a great memory, I guess.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, even Grabbo would know the words, which is more than I can say for Dion Phaneuf.
STEMPNIAK: Moving on…Kyle in Scarborough asks, “I’m currently living in an apartment with my brother and his girlfriend. We all get along great, except for one thing. Sometimes, I can hear them having sex through the walls when I’m trying to sleep! Should I mention this or just let it slide?”
GRABOVSKI: How hot is girlfriend?
STEMPNIAK: That’s just wrong, Mikhail.
KOMISAREK: Seriously. That is DO NOT ENTER territory.
GRABOVSKI: Well, maybes if overhearing sexytimes is worst of living there, is not such bad living place, no?
STEMPNIAK: I…didn’t understand a word of that.
KOMISAREK: I think what Grabbo means is that if overhearing sex every now and then is the biggest problem, this Kyle guy doesn’t have it so bad for roommates.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, unless it’s, say, every night or if it’s REALLY loud, then he might want to mention something. But if it’s just every now and then, some earplugs on the nightstand never hurt anybody.
GRABOVSKI: Lee, I no like your black and white cat. He stares at me for whole time, and cat only stares at things when they goings to kill it.
STEMPNIAK: Guys, that’s just Buttons. He likes everyone and wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s not ever a real cat—he’s just a stuffed toy.
KOMISAREK: See? I told you it was real! I so wasn’t making it up!
KOMISAREK: Look, Lee…I think I have an appointment for uh, whatever’s wrong with me. I gotta go. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Bye Mike! Are you sure you don’t wanna stick around?
KOMISAREK:…I think this one might be important.
GRABOVSKI: I must be goings, too.
STEMPNIAK: Ahh, you too, Grabbo?
GRABOVSKI: Yeah, I as weblog to update and cute girls to text. It takes me extra long because of hurty wrists. Have fun with your kitty, Lee! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, bye, Mikhail…you know Buttons, there’s no reason to sulk alone. I’m going to brush you out and we’re gonna have a killer night on the town, whaddya say? Well…yeah, it might be a bit odd, but we could at least see a movie or something. I’m sure they’d let you in…Alright! Let me get my best brown suit and we’re off!