(SCENE: RON WILSON’s backyard. Multiple players for the Leafs are standing or sitting around a patio type place where WILSON and BRIAN BURKE stand next to a table filled with odd trinkets and other junk.)
RON WILSON:Ok you losers, I got an idea of what to do now that the season’s over. Burke and I are gonna give out team awards—
BRIAN BURKE: Even though all you shit sacks deserve is a swift kick in the ass!
JASON BLAKE: Can we heckle people?
WILSON: We might as well. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m impressed with you guys today. I never imagined I could get so many of you here upright and wearing pants (A pair of pants is thrown at WILSON and BURKE)
JEFF FINGER: WOO-CHA!
WILSON: DAMMIT FINGER!
FINGER: Simmer down, old man.
WILSON:OK, let’s get this silly pony show on the road so we can start drinking .
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: Poni show?
FINGER: Start drinking? I’ve been drinking since 9 AM.
IAN WHITE: I started at noon…yesterday.
FINGER: I’ve been shit faced for the past week.
BURKE:OK, FINE! First award is the Mount Failamajairo award.
WILSON: This award goes to the player who executed a fail so hard and so epic it’s almost a win. And this award goes to Matt Stajan for getting hit in the face with a soccer ball and missing two weeks.
BURKE:SO come on up, ya fuck faced alter boy! (MATT STAJAN comes to the “stage” and receives his award, which is a black leather bondage mask )
WILSON: Protect those pretty, pretty eyes, Matty.
WHITE: Matty, you so pretty!
STAJAN: Sure thing, just hold my beer so I can put this on (STAJAN puts on mask and sits back down)
WILSON: The next award is the Freddy Mercury award for enthusiasm and dedication to facial hair. This award goes to the player who, uh…does that, and that’s Ian White! (WHITE comes up and takes his award, a tshirt reading “mustache rides—50 cents”)
WHITE: 50 cents? My rides are worth at least a dollar.
STAJAN: You suck! Sit down, you freak!
CURTIS JOSEPH: Take it off! (WHITE begins suggestively dancing and miming taking off his clothing)
BURKE: CUT THAT OUT! Nobody wants to see that!
WILSON: Yeah, save the dick wigging for the after party!
JOSEPH: Somewhere, Jiri Tlusty just got cold chills.
JOHN MITCHELL: Oh man, THAT again?
FINGER: WOOO! Nekkid!
WHITE: Oh man, I’ll just sit down now. (WHITE sits down)
WILSON: Next award is the Crazy Eyes award. This one goes to the craziest looking guy on the squad
BURKE: The Leafs thought they’d have to retire this after Darcy Tucker kept winning it every year, but this season a challenger appeared. So we dusted it off and we’re giving it to Mikhail Grabovski (GRABOVSKI comes and takes the award—a pineapple and a copy of The Shining.)
BLAKE:Oh, fuck you Grabovski!
JOSEPH: Take it off!
(GRABOVSKI says nothing, but accepts his award, gives the crowd a double peace sign the best he can and sits down.)
BURKE: OK, and now we have Boyd Devereaux who wanted to sing some bull shit hippie song or something.
DEVEREAUX: Well, you guys might know how I’m a big music guy—
JOSEPH: Take it off!
DEVEREAUX: Dude, that was only funny the first time. Anyway, here’s a little song I wrote for you guys
(DEVEREAUX: begins a long, looping acoustic guitar solo)
PAVEL KUBINA: What the hell?
STAJAN: Don’t quit your day job, man.
WHITE: Hipster douchebag!
TOMAS KABERLE: Your mother’s a dirty whore!
(DEVEREAUX abruptly ends his solo)
DEVEREAUX: Screw you guys! I’m out of here! (leaves)
BURKE: OK, slackers! Next award goes to player most likely to be living in a cardboard box, and that one’s for Pavel Kubina. SO come on up and get half a ham sandwich and a bottle of Mad Dog 20 20.
KUBINA: MMM. Ham. (receives his award and sits down)
WILSON: Now, this next award is for a player who has gained a lot of atten-SCHENN. He deserves recogni-SCHENN for all his act-SCHENN on the ice.
BURKE: In a year of suck, this player caused some jubila-SCHENN and celebra-SCHENN.
WILSON: In fact, I think he should have a big SCHENN-dig to celebrate his success in his first year here. So everyone, let’s give a bit round of applause to….JOHN MITCHELL
MITCHELL: Fuck yea! Awesome! (the rest of the guys are totally silent and shocked)
JOSEPH: …Why did you DO that?
BURKE: To mess with people. It’s not like I need a better excuse.
MITCHELL: Gimme six Schlitzes !
BURKE: We don’t have those.
MITCHELL: Ah fuck it, whatever’s free.
WILSON: Now Johnny, here’s your award—a pack of gum and a rubber band.
BURKE: We’re all outta crap to give you guys, so I’m getting the Hell out of here. Have a good night!
BLAKE: Bye Mr. Scary Irish man!
Be sure to tune in next time for the exciting part 2 of the 2008-2009 Year End Leafer awards