Friday/Thursday night Youtube Yoinkage, March 21, 2008

Clip 1: “The Six Million Peso Man” I brought this up over at Pension Plan Puppets yesterday—if Carlo Colaiacovo grew his hair out and added a badass mustache, he'd totally look like the six million Peso man. Personally, I love the first five seconds.



clip 2 : “Being a Leafs Fan on YouTube”, from Steve Dangle. I first stared watching his stuff when he got featured over at Barry Melrose Rocks. And no, Scotty, this “poor kid” is not my boyfriend. He's kinda cute, I'll admit it...Make of that what you will, folks. All I know is this particular clip made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt every time I've seen it.



clip 3: Denis Leary's “I'm An Asshole”, dedicated to a very special leprechaun NHL commissioner

Leafer Madness, FINAL CHAPTER

(KABERLE is near the edge of a breakdown)

KABERLE: (To self) but I can't hurt my teammates for my own advancement! Such is not my way—it is so cruel and barbaric not to mention messy...

TUCKER:(to self, hiding behind a bush) heh, heh, heh, “only the good die young”, I said. HA! I can't believe how easy it was to get Death. It was like beating twelve Sean Averys at once! Wait a second—is that...Kabs? How is Mr. Ferdinand the Bull still alive? He couldn't—

KABERLE: --hurt a fly. But I suppose I must do what I...must. And I must expand my vocabulary. Hold on...did I hear something behind this bush (sees TUCKER moving)

TUCKER: Um...no, just your imagination.

KABERLE: I didn't want to hurt you, Darcy, but I have to do something (TUCKER attempts to fight KABERLE, but he finds that he is already a ghost and therefore cannot grasp anything)

TUCKER:KABS! Wait! I'm already dead!

(cut to DR. SHRINKSKY'S office)

BETTMAN:...and that's when I wake up.

DR. SHRINKSKY:Now, how does that make you feel, Gary? (a Rambo-ized KABERLE bursts in through the door brandishing an Uzi)

KABERLE: I. Don't. CARE. about his feelings.

BETTMAN:Kaberle? I—but, where did you come from?

KABERLE:I snuck in through a plot hole. How else would I get in here? And how DARE you put me and my team throught that terrible island and write it all off as “just a dream!” How DARE you use such a trite cliche!But now, it'll be ok. I can avenge the deaths of my comradesand it will all be al right, somehow.

BETTMAN:Tomas, there's about five people reading this blog, I don't think using a cop-out ending is such a huge deal--

DR. SHRINKSKY:Mr., Kaberle, could you put down the gun, please

KABERLE: Oh, I'll put the gun down...later (bloodbath ensues)

Tomas Kaberle survived the island a changed and shaken man. His darker side emerged and he re-entered the world a wanted man. He decided to seek out those who had done him wrong. More importantly, he learned to run. And so he ran...and our story is finished

Leafer Madness, Part 10

Last Chapter coming next week, Hombres!

KABERLE :(to self) But I can't kill another human being! I couldn't harm anything
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Sure you can
KABERLE : GAH! What was that?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: It's just me, Carlo. Well, it isn't actually me. I'm really a figment of your imagination.
KABERLE : A hallucination?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Not really. More like you just replaying stuff over in your head. Look, you've been really lucky so far. You're one of the three people left and you haven't killed anybody. You haven't caused so much as a scratch on another human being.
KABERLE : But I can't possibly kill or hurt another human being
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:You're going to harm another person eventually. Anyone who says they haven't done that in theie lives hasn't lived long enough
KABERLE : But I—
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:I don't care. Kabs, sooner or later, you'll have to get your hands dirty. I know you don't like the sound of it, but you will.
KABERLE : But how do I get through that fear of hurting people?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: I don't know, but you do. Everything I'm saying is just what you're thinking—I'm not adding anything to your knowledge. You already know what I will say
KABERLE : So I can make you say--
BOTH: Purple monkey Dishwasher.
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:All I can say is good luck, Kabs. (disappears)
KABERLE : I—But—shit.

(On another part of the island, BELL is alone and near psychotic because of lack of sleep and the stress of killing people)
BELL: (out loud) My hands are shaking, may hands are shaking BUT I'M STILL SHOOTING! And I'm STILL GETTING HEAD SHOTS! It's like, BOOM! Headshot! BOOM!! Head shot! BOOM HEADSHOT! (steps into a bear trap) I know this should hurt, but for some reason it doesn't. (BELL takes step forward, dragging the foot in the bear trap, falls into bottomless pit BELL screams loudly)
Bell: AHHHHHHH! wait, is that a unicorn? Cool!

Leafer Madness, Part 9

Disclaimers part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7

part 8

(TUCKER is alone and next to a small pool. He spies his own reflection and examines his collar closer.)
TUCKER: (to self) Wow, I can't believe this collar. It looks like some cheap-ass Rolex knock-off or something. I wonder if I could just cut through it and then...(TUCKER grabs his sickle and attempts to cut through the metal bands. The collar explodes, killing him)

DEATH: They explode when you try to get through, remember?

TUCKER: Oh yeah, you're right...forgot about that little bit. Wait—I get to challenge you to a game, don't I? And if I win, I get to live, right?

DEATH: (sighs) Yeah. What do you want to play?

TUCKER:I choose...Riskopoly

DEATH: Riskopoly? Is that...?

TUCKER:Yep

DEATH:So you took the two board games that take the longest to complete and combined them?

TUCKER: Well, I didn't do the combining. It's something Carlo showed to me. I can't really blame the guy for taking it up. If you get injured as much as that guy, you have to do something to fill the time. I mean, you can only do so much rehab and watch so much porn a day. You have to something to fill the hours.

DEATH: Fair enough

(THEY set up the board and play for a while)

DEATH:SO, are you enjoying the game?

TUCKER:There's a “yo momma” joke in here somewhere, but since my life is on the line and since you're Death and all, I'll let it slide this one time. (TUCKER looks at the board and sees that he is terribly losing) Say Death...

DEATH:Yes, Darcy?

TUCKER:What's that way over there (Points over DEATH'S shoulder)

DEATH:I'm not falling for that one again.

TUCKER:No, I'm serious! There's a big, scary...thing! and it's right over there!

DEATH:I'm an all present, supernatural being that will exist until the end of time. I'm NOT going to fall for that one again.

TUCKER:Well, then, I suppose it's time for Plan B! (TUCKER gets up, knees DEATH in the crotch, steps on his neck and runs like hell)

DEATH:What the...

TUCKER:Only the good die young!

DEATH: Nothing escapes me. No one escapes me.

Leafer Madness, Part 8

Disclaimers part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7

SCENE: BELL is lying in a tree in wait with grenades, a crossbow and his original gun.

BELL: Come out, come out, wherever you are… (KABERLE and COLAIACOVO enter his field of vision. BELL throws two grenades at the pair. They land and explode. KABERLE somehow escapes the blast, but COLAIACOVO does not. DEATH appears)
DEATH: I HAVE COME FOR—AH, Christ, it’s you again!
COLAIACOVO: I challenge you to Candyland, motherfucker!
DEATH: Another one with the Candyland…fine, I’ll do it. (They are transported to a rocky beach where there is a Candyland board set up They sit down and start playing.)
COLAIACOVO: So…I had a friend who was playing you at Risk. How did he do?
DEATH: He put up a good fight, but he fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous—never get involved in a land war in Asia.
COLAIACOVO: Oh. Ok.
DEATH: Your other friend, Andy, who challenged me to Candyland, he seemed…oh, what’s the word?
COLAIACOVO: Not just slow, but slooooooow, you know what I mean? Woz was “special” to me—but not in a gay way. He was…“special” as in riding the short bus, licking windows, kinda special. I mean, this one time, I saw him stopped at a stop sign, and he waited for, like, twenty minutes.
DEATH: What was he waiting for?
COLAIACOVO: He was waiting for it to say “Go” [note: something similar to this happened to a friend and me once, and it was hilarious, but in our defence, we were stoned at the time.]
DEATH: Wow. That is rather slow. It’s slower than Molasses Swamp, where you’ve just ended up.
COLAIACOVO: Aw, sonovabitch.
DEATH: And it appears, Carlo, that I have drawn the purple square
COLAIACOVO: Dammit. I knew I should have picked Battleship.

Leafer Madness...

...will be postponed until next week due to midterms, other projects and a whole bunch of other crap. Sorry guys. Feel free to let me have it in the comments, or post your predictions for the winners. To make it up to you, here are some more LoLeafs (original pics stolen, as usual, from Yahoo sports)


and I'm really, really sorry for this one but it had to be made:

Leafer Madness, Part 7

Disclaimers

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

(At the “Battle Royale” Headquarters)

MINON: There are only 4 players left, Mr. Bettman.

BETTMAN: Excellent (Tents fingers) I don’t I like that Cloa—Colackackacka—that Carlo kid. He doesn’t seem to want to die.

MINON: Yes, sir. He’s certainly a pain in our ass, sir. He’s come back form the dead three times in two days.

BETTMAN: If only I could know passion like that… (Shakes off emotionalism) So, ahem—

MINON: What the—the screen is showing there’s another player on the island.

(The section of the island where WOZNIEWSKI died, KABERLE and COLAIACOVO discover the body, which is twitching with life.)

WOZNIEWSKI:…oww….so. Much. PAIN…

COLAIACOVO: What the—you’re alive, Woz?

KABERLE: But you look like you went through three bear traps and a land mine. How are you alive?

WOZNIEWSKI: Well, let me tell you… (Flashback music)

(In the forest of the island, WOZNIEWSKI, armed with a hatchet, is wandering alone) WOZNIEWSKI: Helloooo? Helllooo! (He steps and lands his left foot in a bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out blood-curdling screams. He steps again, dragging his foot still in the bear trap. He manages a few steps and lands his right foot in another bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out even more blood curdling screams. He continues crawling, dragging himself on his hands. Somehow, he finds a third bear trap with his right hand) WOZNIEWSKI: CHIRSTONAPOGO-STICK THIS HURTS! *lets out screams of terrible pain* (at this point he continues moving, dragging himself by his left hand. He continues like this for a short while, until his right hand falls on a land mine, which promptly goes off and finally kills him.)

DEATH: Are you the one known as Andy Wozniewski?

WOZNIEWSKI: Yeah. Um, is this about the hedge?

DEATH: I am the one your culture knows as DEATH

WOZNIEWSKI: But I don’t even have a hedge

DEATH: I have come for your soul—wait a second—according to my chart here, you no longer have a soul. It says you sold it to play in the NHL. Was it at least a worthwhile investment? You know—getting lots of Cups, people’s respect, girls showing you their boobs, the whole thing?

WOZNIEWSKI: I…uh...wait, I get to challenge you to a game, right?

DEATH: You’re avoiding my question, but yes you can challenge me to a game. You may choose any game ever created in the history of mankind. If you win, you can live.

WOZNIEWSKI: I choose a game that I know how to play, one that I can win at. One I don’t need to be smart or skilled to do. I choose…CANDYLAND!

WOZNIEWSKI: And a purple square later, here I am. But I don’t have my limbs back. Death is a sore loser like that. And oh, last I knew, Kyle Wellwood is playing Death at Risk, so don’t be surprised if you see him around here.

(in Underworld) WELLWOOD: OK, so Scandinavia is attacking Ukraine.

DEATH: Are you sure you want Ukraine? It’s a sitting duck!

GHOST OF PONIKAROVSKY: Ukraiiine nootttt weeeaak!

(Back on the island, COLAIACOVO chainsaws WOZNIEWSKI, killing him)

KABERLE: *gasps in shock and horror* CARLO! How could you do that?

COLAIACOVO: Oops, My finger must’ve slipped.

Leafer Madness, Part 6

Disclaimers Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

(KABERLE is trekking through the jungle with his weapon, an Uzi. He comes across COLAIACOVO, who has a chainsaw in place of his left forearm and a weedwhacker in place of the right. )

KABERLE: What happened to you? I thought that you were dead.

COLAIACOVO: I was dead for a while, then I sold my soul and my left arm to Satan and I lived again. I met some of the other guys in the lighthouse. I died a second time there, so I gave up my right arm and both of my legs in exchange for living again. They changed them into elephant feet. So when I die again, I’ll make some pretty umbrella stands. Or is it ashtrays they make from elephant’s feet? Oh well—doesn’t matter.

KABERLE: I have a plan for getting all of us off this island, but I need your help. We need to track down Pavel and steal his plot-hole machine. Will you help?

COLAIACOVO: Sure, but how are we going to find him?

KABERLE: Look at the ground, Carlo (indicates tank tracks on the ground.)

COLAIACOVO: How in the hell did he get a tank?

KABERLE: That’s why we need the plot-hole machine. Maybe we can use it to get back before this terrible island ever happened. Come on. (They follow the tank treads further into the jungle.)

(At the headquarters, a soldier is talking with BETTMAN.)

SOLDIER: With all due respect, sir, I don’t know if it was wise to give Kubina the plot-hole device. We haven’t even perfected the technology yet, sir—it’s a highly, highly unstable device.

BETTMAN: That was why I rigged it so Kubina would get it. I knew that he’d just use it for himself, so there is no real risk to us. I mean, if Kaberle or Sundin were to get it, they’d try be a hero and save everyone, which defeats our purpose.

SOLDIER: But sir, what happens if another player gets a hold of it?

BETTMAN: That won’t happen—you said it was unstable, and it is in unstable hands, so there isn’t a risk of someone else to get it, is there?

SOLDIER: As I said, sir, it is highly experimental technology—we don’t have the bugs worked out of it yet. It’s always possible that the device could backfire on the person using it, sir

BETTMAN: What do you mean by “backfire”?

SOLDIER: Well, sir...it could introduce some element into the operator’s biological makeup without warning. It could…we don’t even know what else it is capable of doing, sir.

BETTMAN: Considering its operator, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about another player getting it.

(KUBINA is drunk and cruising in his tank with the strippers, firing the tank at will)

KUBINA: (singing) Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow, Don’t, stop…um…something, lalala—c’mon girls, help me out with the words. Do you know what? I’m hungry—let’s get some motherfuckin’ frennnnch toaaasst! (He presses some buttons on the plot-hole generator.) Whoa—I feel all tingly and stuff all over my body. That was weird. Oh well. (grabs nearest champagne bottle. He takes a long swig out of the bottle. What he doesn’t know is that the plot-hole generator has somehow made him deathly allergic to champagne. KUBINA starts to go into anaphylactic shock.)

STRIPPER 1: What’s he doing?

STRIPPER 2: He’s going into shock, you know that kind—what’s that “a” word?

STRIPPER 3: “Anorexic”?

STRIPPER 2: No, it was a longer word and I think it had “anal” in it

STRIPPER 1: You think everything should have anal in it! (They giggle a little.)

STRIPPER 2: This guy is dying and we don’t know what to do to help him!

STRIPPER 3: Is there some Benedryl here?

STRIPPER 2: He used this thing whenever he needed something—maybe if I press this button—(she grabs the plot-hole generator and pushes some buttons. She disappears into thin air with the device.)

STRIPPER 1: Great! Now what are we supposed to do?

STRIPPER 3:He’s not breathing!

STRIPPER 1: I think he’s dead. Does that make us murderers?

STRIPPER 3: We didn’t kill him, exactly. We just didn’t know what we were doing, that’s all. It’s not like we stabbed him in the heck or something like that.

STRIPPER 1: Is this where we bang on his chest and yell something like “Live, dammit, LIVE!”

STRIPPER 3: I think so.

STRIPPER 1: Maybe we should just leave him here and get help.

STRIPPER 3: But we have no idea where we are or who to ask for help! Maybe one of us should leave and the other stay here.

STRIPPER 1: There’s no way I’m staying here with a dead body!

STRIPPER 3: We need to open this hatch (She does so, only to see KABERLE and COLAIACOVO are close behind) Oh God! (jumps back down into the tank) There are two guys out there—one has a gun and the other has a chainsaw and a weedwhacker instead of arms! They’re gonna kill us!

STRIPPER 1: We don’t know that—let’s just talk to them, maybe they can help us. (She opens the hatch)

STRIPPER 3: I don’t know—you should have a white cloth so they know we’re peaceful.

STRIPPER 1:I don’t have anything like that. If I just flash them, would that work?

STRIPPER 3: You might as well try it. We don’t have much else to lose. (STRIPPER 1 opens her top and shows her breasts to KABERLE and COLAIACOVO)

COLAIACOVO: When did Kubina get such nice tits?

KABERLE: He got her with the plot-hole device. There should be two others with him. Come out, Kubina! I’m not alone this time!

STRIPPER 1: He’s dead! And one of the other girls took his calculator thingy and disappeared into thin air!

KABERLE: What do you mean? (STRIPPER 3 leans out of the hatch.)

STRIPPER 3: Pavel had some sort of bad reaction to the champagne and he died. The other girl took his machine, pushed some buttons and—POOF!—she was gone. Here—we’ll prove he’s dead. (Both STRIPPERS go back into the tank and with some struggling, they manage to push KUBINA’S body out of the hatch.)

STRIPPER 1: We didn’t kill him, we swear! He just took a gulp of champagne, then he started wheezing, and suddenly he was dead!

STRIPPER 3: I’m fading…

STRIPPER 1: Then make an appointment for your roots

STRIPPER 3: Not my hair, I’m fading…

STRIPPER 1: Me too—is it because we’re only plot devices?

STRIPPER 3: maybe… (They both fade into thin air, along with the tank)

KABERLE: Shit! If we had had that tank, we could have stormed the headquarters but I guess we’ll just have to fend for ourselves now.

COLAIACOVO: Drat and double drat, indeed.

Leafer Madness Part 5

Disclaimers

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

(ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY and NIK ANTROPOV are together in a shed of some sort. )

PONIKAROVSKY: Nik, I am unbelieving that we are must be killing the others.

ANTROPOV: Misfortunately, this is not for great justice, Alexei. As far as I can view, it is like pair of docks—we either kill other people and be monsters or we kill selfs and we run away from problems.

PONIKAROVSKY: You speak of paradox. Not pair of docks. It is only one word.

ANTROPOV: Oh, okay. I always wonder why other peoples talk of pair of docks. I was always like, “why pair of docks? You not talking of seas and oceans.”

PONIKAROVSKY: I am thinking that we should kill selfs and fly to place with nobody else so we can be free.

ANTROPOV: nobody else so we can be free…

PONIKAROVSKY: I see there is rope here. And there are many trees outside.

ANTROPOV: But this. Is. Not. Enooo-uuugh!

PONIKAROVSKY: What you say?

ANTROPOV: It isn’t enough rope for both of us to hang selfs by.

PONIKAROVSKY: oh. Umm…what weapons did you have?

ANTROPOV: I have (checks sack) a whip? Like I’m some Indiana Jones or something. I suppose I could tie it like a rope. What weapon do you have?

PONIKAROVSKY: (checks sack) What’s this? Fight with binoculars?

ANTROPOV: It really is better to kill selfs now.

(they go through the adequate preparations for hanging themselves in the trees, except ANTROPOV is using his whip whereas PONIKAROVSKY is using rope that he found.) PONIKAROVSKY: For make benefit great team of maple leaf! (hangs self)

ANTROPOV: For…Pony! (hangs self) {I got a bright shiny +15 for anyone who knows where this line comes from originally}

(in the forest of the island, WOZNIEWSKI, armed with a hatchet, is wandering alone)

WOZNIEWSKI: Helloooo? Helllooo! (he steps and lands his left foot in a bear trap

WOZNIEWSKI lets out blood-curdling screams. He steps again, dragging his foot still in the bear trap. He manages a few steps and lands his right foot in another bear trap.)

WOZNIEWSKI lets out even more blood curdling screams. He continues crawling, dragging himself on his hands. Somehow, he finds a third bear trap with his right hand)

WOZNIEWSKI: CHIRSTONAPOGO-STICK THIS HURTS! *lets out screams of terrible pain* (at this point he continues moving, dragging himself by his left hand. He continues like this for a short while, until his right hand falls on a land mine, which promptly goes off and finally kills him.) (if you need a visual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVRl8rHDahY)

(TUCKER enters a greenhouse in search of another player to eliminate. McCABE, armed with his pistol that he found by BELAK’s body, is also there and hiding behind some boxes as TUCKER enters. )

McCABE: (jumping out into the open) Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! ‘Morning, Darcy. (He grabs the sickle out of TUCKER’s hand.)

TUCKER : What did you do that for?

McCABE: I don’t trust you, Then again, I don’t trust anybody here. Did you see Poni and Nik?

TUCKER: Yeah—strung up together all like, From Russia with love or something.

McCABE: You know something? I saw Kilger, too. His throat was slit, like with a sickle or something. You would know about that, wouldn’t you?

TUCKER: …Maybe?

McCABE: You son of a bitch—(kicks TUCKER down to the ground)

TUCKER: What am I supposed to do in this game, Bryan? Invite everyone over for tea? (Secretly grabs taser) I wouldn’t last a minute!

McCABE: That would be a risk I’d be willing to take.

TUCKER: This game is nothing like anything you or I have ever done.

McCABE: How so?

TUCKER: …I want to bathe in a geyser of enemy blood!

McCABE: That hardly sounds sanitary—

TUCKER: Screw sanitary! (attacks McCABE with the taser, and knocks the gun out of his hands)

McCABE: You didn’t have to do that--

TUCKER : Why? You were about to do the same to me. You know Bryan, you should always look on the bright side of life (Fires several shots in to McCABE’s torso, killing him) I used to love you, but I had to kill you. (Leaves the greenhouse.)

Eliminated so far: POHL, KRONWALL, COLAIACOVO, BATTAGLIA, DEVEREAUX,KILGER, BELAK, GILL, TLUSTY, WHITE, WELLWOOD, COLAIACOVO,STEEN, STAJAN, BLAKE, SUNDIN, RAYCROFT, TOSKALA, PONIKAROVSKY, ANTROPOV, WOZNIEWSKI, McCABE

Leafer Madness, part 4

Disclaimers
Part one
Part two
Part three

(Late at night on the island, JASON BLAKE and MATS SUNDIN are walking along the edge of the island where there is a sharp drop-off towards the sea. They have their bags, but they do not have their weapons out.)

BLAKE: Mats, I just…don’t know what to do here. I mean, I don’t think that I could kill anybody ever. Then again, I can’t really trust anyone here.

SUNDIN: I know what you mean. I’ve known most of these guys for years and the idea of them with weapons scares the hell out of me. Tucker…(shudders)

BLAKE: There’s one thing that I know for sure: I’m never going to play this game. (Throws bag containing weapon and supplies over the edge of the cliff)

SUNDIN: I won’t play, either. (He goes close to the edge of the cliff to throw off his bag, but he steps on a loose rock and falls. BLAKE attempts to grab his hand, but in doing so, he falls as well.)

(ANDREW RAYCROFT, armed with hand grenades, is half-hidden an alone at the edge of a field. In the distance, he sees VESA TOSKALA who is armed with a crossbow. TOSKALA becomes aware that someone is watching him and he raises his crossbow in self-defense. )

TOSKALA: I know that someone is out here. You should show yourself now.

RAYCROFT: Nobody’s watching you, Tosk

TOSKALA: I should have known it was you, Raycroft. Hiding in the dark like the cowardly King of Suckitude you are.

RAYCROFT: I won’t hurt you, Tosk. I mean, we’re fellow goalies, we can be friends—

TOSKALA: Liar! I wouldn’t trust you with anything, least of all my life, Raycroft. Or should I say GAYcroft?(fires an arrow and misses)

RAYCROFT: Did you think of that all by yourself or did your mommy have to help you? (Throws grenade, which TOSKALA kicks far enough away that its explosion doesn’t harm him.)

TOSKALA: Watch this: (as loud as he can) HEY EVERYBODY: GOALIE FIGHT! (The island falls silent)

RAYCROFT: Your shooting sucks more than your glove save you strained nutsack! (throws grenade, which lands near TOSKALA, but the explosion only harms him slightly)

TOSKALA: You can kiss my strained nutsack! I bet that you would like it too, GAYzor. (fires another arrow, which pierces RAYCROFT at the base of the throat. RAYCROFT weakly throws another grenade, which lands and explodes nowhere near its target. He then gurgles more blood and dies slowly. A self-satisfied TOSKALA continues on his way, but MARK BELL appears from the woods behind TOSKALA.)

BELL: You’re a pretty good shot, Tosk. (holds up assault rifle.) But…I think I’m a better shooter. (He shoots TOSKALA dead, steals TOSKALA’s crossbow and arrows, goes to RAYCROFT’s corpse and steals his remaining grenades. He disappears into the woods on the opposite edge of the field.)

Eliminated so far: POHL, KRONWALL, COLAIACOVO, BATTAGLIA, DEVEREAUX,KILGER, BELAK, GILL, TLUSTY, WHITE, WELLWOOD, COLAIACOVO,STEEN, STAJAN, BLAKE, SUNDIN, RAYCROFT, TOSKALA

8 to go

Leafer Madness, Part 3

READ THESE BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST:

disclaimers
Part one
Part two

(SCENE: a lighthouse on the rocky cliffs of the island. COLAIACOVO, returned from the dead, is sleeping in a bed. He wakes up and KYLE WELLWOOD is standing next to the bed)

COLAIACOVO: Kyle?

WELLWOOD: What happened, Carlo? We all thought that the soldiers killed you.

COLAIACOVO: I sold my soul to Satan after they killed me. I’m not going to just get killed right off the bat like that. It’s not fair that they took me away just because of my weakness for Asian women in tiny miniskirts. I had to give up my left forearm too, so now I have this chainsaw.

WELLWOOD: Groovy.

COLAIACOVO: Who else is in this lighthouse with you?

WELLWOOD: There’s also Matt, Alex, Ian, and Jiri. Actually, there was Jiri. Alex said that he fell during the watch last night and died, but to be totally honest I don’t trust Alex when he says that Jiri just fell.

(Flashback to the previous night. ALEX STEEN and JIRI TLUSTY are on the balcony of the lighthouse. Alex appears to see something on the rocks.

STEEN: Jiri, look at that down there.

TLUSTY: It looks like a dead body.

STEEN: Go check it out, Jiri

TLUSTY: Why should I do it, Alex?

STEEN: That’s what rookies do, Jiri. They check out suspicious objects that look like bodies. You’ll understand when you’ve been playing pro for a few years. (After seeing that nobody seems to be watching, STEEN pushes TLUSTY over the edge to his death on the rocks.)

TLUSTY: *screams*

STEEN: (seeming concerned) Oh, shit, JIRI! (He then leaves the lighthouse to get the body, which turns out to be COLAIACOVO)

WELLWOOD: Let’s just say…that I think Jiri fell with a little help from Alex, if you know what I mean.

COLAIACOVO: No, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t think that I ever do. You read books and stuff.

WELLWOOD: I think it’s just about lunchtime. I’ll get something for you. I’d let you out, but Matt doesn’t entirely trust you since you did come back from the dead.

COLAIACOVO: That’s understandable, I guess. (WELLWOOD leaves the bedroom and enters a kitchen where STEEN is sitting at a table and MATT STAJAN is preparing Spaghetti-o’s. )

STEEN:..I mean, I tried to catch the guy but I just couldn’t get a grip. It was such a freak accident. Hey Kyle, how’s Coco doing?

WELLWOOD: Well, he’s up and talking. He’s still pretty tired, though. He seems okay for a guy who just sold his soul to Satan.

STAJAN: I don’t know, Kyle. Hey, I think we should feed Carlo first. I mean, the guy has literally been to Hell and back. He needs the extra strength.

WELLWOOD: Fine with me.

STEEN: I’ll go get Ian from watch and let him know the food’s ready. (STEEN leaves. As soon as he thinks that nobody is watching, STAJAN pours out a bowl of Spaghetti-o’s and empties into it a small vial labeled “poison”. )

STAJAN: I never understood why people always sold their souls to Satan. Why not sell it to Jesus or someone else? (IAN WHITE and STEEN enter.)

WHITE: Because Jesus doesn’t accept Mastercard. Thank you, Matt (Takes bowl of Spaghetti-o’s from STAJAN) Nice, Spaghetti-o’s! (WHITE sits down and starts eating the Spaghettios.)

COLAIACOVO: (Entering from bedroom) How are you guys? (Before anyone can answer, WHITE goes into convulsions and starts spitting blood)

WELLWOOD: Ian? IAN!

WHITE: *gurgles blood*

COLAIACOVO: OK guys, let’s not panic or do something stupid….

WELLWOOD: Yeah guys, let’s not start a huge gunfight over an accidental poisoning…

COLAIACOVO: You’ve seen the movie but you lied about it! You should be dead! (fires up chainsaw and tears into WELLWOOD.)

WELLWOOD: *screams of death and extreme pain* (STAJAN grabs rifle with a bayonet from an adjacent table and starts firing at COLAIACOVO. STAJAN is not a great shot and COLAIACOVO advances towards STEEN. STEEN grabs a semi-automatic next to him.)

COLAIACOVO: This is for pushing Jiri, you treacherous SONOVABITCH! (COLAIACOVO and STEEN fight. Eventually, STAJAN shoots COLAIACOVO dead and wounds STEEN, who by this point has also turned a table over as protection)

STAJAN : You pushed Jiri? You ARE a son of a whore! (fires)

STEEN: At least I actually killed someone without screwing it up (fires and severely wounds STAJAN. They continue exchanging rounds until there is lots of blood on the ground and they run out of ammo. STAJAN attaches the bayonet and throws his gun like a spear at STEEN and it connects in his chest, killing STEEN)

STAJAN : (weary from multiple gunshot wounds) How stupid, we might have survived. (STAJAN slowly dies of his wounds.)

Leafer Madness, Part 2

I decided to do the Leafer Madness on Sundays as well as Wednesdays. I'm also really busy these next two weeks with a play I'm in, school work etc., so I thought I'd throw this up, just to show I'm still around.

Disclaimers here

Part one here

(WADE BELAK, armed with a GPS unit, is walking through the jungle)

BELAK: How am I supposed to fight back with a GPS? I can see people coming at me, but what good does that do me once they see me? (he sees the back of McCABE, who is armed with a pistol of some sort)

McCABE: (muttering to self): They’re going to get me…can’t trust anyone. (BELAK throws his GPS with great force at McCABE’s head. He [McCABE] falls down unconscious.)

BELAK: Cool. It does work. (Takes pistol and walks away. McCABE slowly wakes up.)

McCABE: What the hell was that?

(On another part of the island, CHAD KILGER is hiding in what appears to be some sort of old building. He hears someone outside and nervously grabs a taser. TUCKER enters )

KILGER: Who is it? Who’s there!

TUCKER: It’s just me, Chad. Can I come in?

KILGER: o…ok…sorry (still shaking, he puts down the taser. TUCKER enters)

TUCKER: Is that your weapon?

KILGER: Yeah, it’s—it’s what they gave me. I know, it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

TUCKER: Whoa—Don’t tase me, bro! hehehheh. It’s not so bad (picks up the taser) I mean, you could really screw someone up with one of these, like if the guy has epilepsy or something like that.

KILGER: I don’t like that look in your eyes, Darcy…(KILGER attempts to escape into the building, but TUCKER manages to pin him down. TUCKER holds a sharp sickle at KILGER’s throat.)

TUCKER: You see, Chad, the sickle was the weapon that they gave me. I thought it kinda sucked, but the more I think about it, the more I think it’s pretty good. (He slits KILGER’S throat, takes the taser and walks off.)

(Inside an abandoned warehouse-type building on the island, TOMAS KABERLE is feverishly trying to plan some sort of attack on the “Battle Royale” headquarters. PAVEL KUBINA has appeared without explanation)

KABERLE: What the hell are you doing here? I don’t even like you.

KUBINA: I’m not sure how I got here. What did you get for a weapon? I got this little thingy that looks like an old calculator but with a crapload more buttons.

KABERLE: Keep it down a bit, will you? I think they’re listening to us with mikes in the collars. (KABERLE finds a pen and a piece of paper)

KUBINA: This is a bad time to be playing Pictionary, Kabs.

KABERLE: (written on paper) I am trying to figure out a way to attack or blow up the headquarters. I think that if I do that then they will have no way of controlling us and then we can get free.

KUBINA: (reading paper) You have terrible handwriting, Kabs.

KABERLE: (continues writing) Even though I don’t like you, you’re all the help I have. I need you to help me find the following items:

1: fertilizer (KUBINA stops reading)

KUBINA: Wait a minute—since when did I become your little minion carrying out orders? And why don’t we just speak Czech? They may not have a translator.

KABERLE: (out loud) That’s right, we can just speak Czech! I thought we just spoke English with funny accents. But…if I write it out then there won’t be the chance of a translator dropping in on us. (KUBINA pushes more buttons on his weapon. From seemingly thin air, three gorgeous female strippers enter, each carrying bottles of champagne and/or absinthe)

KUBINA: I don’t know what this machine is, but I like what it does.

KABERLE: Push some more buttons and see what else it does. (KUBINA does so and a tank materializes.)

KUBINA: This is the greatest thing ever invented.

KABERLE: I’m not sure, but I think that what you have is some sort of plot-hole generator. If you can get things and people in here, it must be able to get things out—specifically, us. We can get out of here unharmed!

KUBINA: To steal an expression, “who is we? You have a turd in your pocket?” These necklaces explode after three days, correct? I’m going to have some fun with this plot-hole machine before that. I now have strippers, booze and a tank at my fingertips and I plan on enjoying them. Come on, Kabs—this is the dream come true for like most of all men here. (to strippers) Do you ladies have anything to help my friend loosen up a bit?

KABERLE: But—you’re not caring about anyone but yourself!

KUBINA: And you have bushy eyebrows. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a “state the obvious contest.” I’m kind of competitive. (Grabs bottle of champagne from a stripper and climbs into the tank)

KABERLE: Do you know how to run a tank?

KUBINA: No, but there’s probably a manual here somewhere. Or, I’ll just do it the fun way—trial and error. I wonder what this button does—anyone want to see? (the strippers climb in with him. KUBINA pushes a button and the tank fires, blasting a hole in the wall and killing HAL GILL and WADE BELAK, who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. KUBINA drives the tank out of the hole that he has just made in the wall. KABELRE goes back to his plans.)

Eliminated: KILGER, BELAK, and GILL

17 more to go

Leafer Madness Part one

Disclaimers here

(Opening: on the team bus. There is the normal goofing off, joking around, poker playing, etc. Sleeping gas is administered without any of the team knowing it. They fall asleep and there is a time lapse of an hour or so later. They awake strewn about in a sparsely furnished classroom-type room with mysterious metal necklaces around their necks. There are armed camouflaged-clad soldiers with gas masks around the perimeter of the room and a large TV screen takes up one wall. The team now gradually wakes up with odd metal collars around their necks.)

DARCY TUCKER: The fuck is….

UNSEEN PLAYER: I thought we were going to the Nassau Coliseum…

BRYAN McCABE: Trust me—this is way worse than the Nassau Coliseum.

JASON BLAKE: I second that.

(GARY BETTMAN appears in the TV screen)

PLAYERS: GAH! Kill it! Kill it!

BETTMAN: Good morning, my sunshines!

PLAYERS: Die, you bastard, die! (etc.)

BETTMAN: Hey there, it’s Gary Bettman here. And I have selected you, the Toronto Maple Leafs, to be the first team to use our new system for selecting participants for our All-Star game. The fan balloting worked nice for a little while, but they abused their privilege. The various campaigns getting people to “Vote 4 Rory” and Derek Boogaard taught me something—fans don’t know shit about marketing hockey. And I do.

PLAYERS: *cough* Bullshit! *cough* Bullshit! *cough*

BETTMAN: Before we begin, I’m going to need all of the players who have seen the film “Battle Royale” to step forward. (JOHNNY POHL, STAFFAN KRONWALL, CARLO COLAIACOVO, and BATES BATTAGLIA all step forward) Soldiers, dispose of them. They have an unfair advantage since they already know how this will work (SOLDIERS seize the named players and start dragging them away)

COLAIACOVO: But I was only lured in by Japanese schoolgirls and horrific violence! Let me go! It’s not fair!(SOLDIERS and named players exit)

BETTMAN: The truth is, I couldn’t let some…oaf like Rory Fitzpatrick or a brute like Boogaard into my All-Star game, heavens no. Therefore, I decided to enact a “Battle Royale” style system to select the participants. I’ve taken you to a secluded, abandoned island where for three days you will hunt and kill each other until there is only one of you left.

UNSEEN STAFFER: But what about after the game, Mr. Bettman? Isn’t killing off all but one player on each team going to severely hurt the league? With all due respect, I think it’s a bad idea, sir.

BETTMAN: Someone shoot him, right now! (gunshot off screen) Now, we will give you a sack with food, water, a map of the island, a flashlight, and a randomly selected weapon, just to even things up. Your weapon might be a pot lid, binoculars, a gun or a machete. Needles to say, I’d hope for the gun or the machete if I were you. We will also be placing things around to make the island a bit more interesting, like land mines, bear traps, and all sorts of other surprises. And oh yeah, there’s one more little thing: the necklaces. They monitor your pulse so we know if you’re alive and they have a sensor in them so we know where you are. If there isn’t a winner in three days, all of the necklaces you’re wearing will explode, killing you instantly. They do that if you try to take them off, too. We will gas you all again and dump you off in random places on the island, just to prevent you form ganging up. (gas enters the room through the vents and the players slump, falling asleep again) Goodbye.

(later on…ANDY WOZNIEWSKI wakes up. He is armed with a hatchet.)

WOZNIEWSKI : Hello? Hello? (music from the band Godspeed You Black Emperor! starts playing in the background.) Helloooo! Oh look, a Pepsi can. (WOZNIEWSKI grabs the can of Pepsi. As he is about to start drinking it, BOYD DEVEREAUX staggers by with an arrow through his neck)

DEVEREAUX: Andy…shit just got real…(he dies)

Eliminated: POHL, KRONWALL, COLAIACOVO, BATTAGLIA, and DEVEREAUX

20 more to go

Secret project REVEALED!

Secret project REVEALED!

I know that I mentioned something about a “Secret project" that I would be working on over the holiday break. Here it is: “Battle Royale” with the cast of Japanese students replaced with the Toronto Male Leafs! Here are a few disclaimers that I feel like I should get out of the way first:

1: This is totally fiction…at least I hope Gary Bettman doesn’t resort to this.
2: I had the players swear a bit more than I usually do. My theory was, they would be so busy killing each other that clean language would be the last thing on their minds.
3: I don’t know any of the people used personally—some of the personalities of the players I’ve gleaned from various interviews, but much of it comes straight from my imagination.
4: I also have nothing to do with the makers of “Battle Royale”
5: I am not doing this to harm, insult, etc. anyone—as I said in number 1, this is just an exercise in fiction. It’s more of an idea of “Hey, I wonder what would happen if…” than anything else.
6: Nobody gave me permission to do this. Then again, I never asked for permission in the first place.
7: Feel free to play Lazydork’s “Battle Royale” drinking game while reading this, if you are so inclined. If you’re going to do so:
a. Any harm you bring about yourself is your own damn fault
b. Ignore rules 4, 5, 6, and 7. Add in “take a drink every time a character makes a reference to another work (TV show, Movie, song, etc.)” I’ll start you off with two such examples:
1: The whole thing is a rip on “Battle Royale”
2: The Title is a rip on the film “Reefer Madness”

8: Most importantly of all, I want you guys to have fun reading it. It was fun writing it, even if it was hard to do. (And I still need to finish it off.) I'm probably going to use this to replace the Wednesday Snarky joke. As always, thanks for dropping by!