Thursday, October 8, 2009

Blogiversary 2: This Time it's not Blogiversary 1!

(SCENE: LOSER DOMI enters a darkened room. As soon as she enters, ASSORTED LEAFS PLAYERS turn on the lights)
LOSER DOMI: What the? Wait…I can’t believe you guys are having a party for the blog! Holy shit, this is so cool!
JASON BLAKE: Well, it’s been two years of blogging, which is like five years doing something in real time.
LD: But I would have thought that the Leafs would hate the blog. I mean, I make fun of you guys horribly. I’m not all that flattering to you.
JOHN MITCHELL: Not everyone likes it, but all the cool guys like us here love it, D. Like, Whitey couldn’t be here, ‘cuz he and Stajan are helping Schenner take care of his 400 babies, but he told me to tell you he thinks your writing is some of the funniest shit online.
BLAKE: Grabovski HATES it on account of how you make him talk so funny. He was all set to “kick dis Loser Domi’s ass” until I told him you were a girl and showed him your picture. He couldn’t believe they let girls on the internet to write about hockey. Now he just glares at the screen and grinds his teeth.
MITCHELL: Stajan is really confused by it, cuz he likes how he’s “Stupid Sexy Stajan”, but he doesn’t like how you make him cry so much, or how he got tasered.
LD: I guess that tasering was a bit much…
TOMAS KABERLE: I am not a Mexican! But I do like tacos… Happy Blogthday anyway!
LD: No, you’re a Czechican, there’s a difference. But thank you so much for the sombrero and the greatest hits of Queen!
KABERLE: All three volumes! (LEE STEMPNIAK enters)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Sorry I’m late, everybody. Happy Blogday, LD!
LD: Lee Stempniak? YOU’RE a fan?
STEMPNIAK: Of course I’m a fan! You gave me my own show! Nobody’s ever noticed me that much before. (LD Opens STEMPNIAK’s gift)
LD: A Leafs jersey, cool! Thanks! (Turns it over) …With your name on it?
STEMPNIAK: Well, I figured, you’re a Leafs fan, and I happen to be a Leafs know, on the hockey team…
LD: Oh cool, you even got it small enough so I can wear it as a shirt and not as a tent. How nice!
MITCHELL: Well, my wife and I weren’t sure what the “Traditional” second anniversary gift is. We know first is paper and tenth is tin or something like that, but we didn’t know about second year so….I just got you two pounds of bacon and a Leafs hat.
BLAKE: Really? Because I got her 2 pounds of bacon and a Leafs hoodie. Awkward…
LD: Don’t worry! You guys know how much I love bacon and free Leafs gear! You’re both so generous. Thank you so much!
NIK HAGMAN: I wishing you Happy Blogoluxe Day!
LD: Nik Hagman? But I never write about you.
HAGMAN: I still like reading it, for how you make Grabovski talk funny and how you make fun of Vesa’s manpurse. (LD open’s HAGMAN’s gift)
LD: It’s…a very nice picture of your smoking hot wife. And it’s signed… “Have a good time! Nik Hagman!” Nik, are you asking me…to be in a threesome?
HAGMAN: OHO! Look at the times! I have a…food…in the oven, I must be leaving! (HAGMAN leaves and DELIVERY GUY enters)
DELIVERY GUY: Flowers here for a Ms. Loser Domi. Huh, kind of an odd name. Is that Dutch or something?
LD: That’s me. (Reads card with the flowers) “Dear LD, I was going to come to your party, but on my way I got struck by two different bolts of lightning, and then run over by a bus. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Keep on blogging! Hugs and kisses, Mike Van Ryn.” Aww, how sweet! (MIKE KOMISAREK enters)
MIKE KOMISAREK: OK, I gotta make this quick ‘cuz I somehow got roped into 400 Schenn baby duties with White and Stajan. Anyway, I was gonna hire a stripper for LD, but then I thought “I don’t want to go shopping for dude strippers, but I don’t know if LD is a lesbo or bi or whatever, and I don’t want to make any assumptions and stuff.” So, I hired both Taffy and Jiri Tlusty. Now I gotta go…grab some smokes. Yeah, I’m just grabbing smokes, in case anyone asks. (KOMISAREK leaves and TAFFY, a female stripper in a “Slutty cop” costume, and JIRI TLUSTY, who is dressed similar to TAFFY, enter.)
TAFFY: Hey there, we got a noise complaint!
KABERLE: Oh, Officer StripperLady, were we making too much noise?
TAFFY (Whispered to JIRI TLUSTY): Your turn!
JIRI TLUSTY: OH nos, youse not making enough noise!
LD: Look, I know what Komi promised, but you guys don’t have to strip. You can just chill and have a beer and stuff. We can even pay you as if you stripped—it’d be like getting paid to do nothing.
TAFFY: But I’m a stripper! Strippering is what I do!
LD: We could just do Twister, then. If you like, it can be “Clothing optional”, with the clothing option being heavily encouraged. (LD’s phone rings and it’s LUKE SCHENN)
LUKE SCHENN: Hey, LD! First off, Happy Blogiversary!
LD: Thanks Luke! How are the babies?
SCHENN: The babies are great, but have you seen Komisarek anywhere?
LD: He was here for a short time, but left, saying he needed to get cigarettes.
SCHENN: Yeah, he told us he was “just getting smokes”...THREE HOURS AGO!
LD: Gah, what a bum!
SCHENN: What a bastard! What a deadbeat! I’m gonna kick his ass later! (Hangs up)
LD: Now THERE’s a blogthday present!
(The partygoers proceed to drink a lot of booze and play multiple rousing rounds of drunken Twister, and everyone has a great time.)


Grrrreg said...

Joyeux blogiversaire!
I didn't bring strippers or bacon but I love your wonderful world, LD.

Kevin said...

Happy Blogiversary, keep the truculence flowing

Blindfolded Tank Driver said...

Happy Blogiverary!!! I look forward to years of the further adventures of Maple Leafs players. Also, I think we'd all love more wacky tales of Taffy and Tlusty!

Jaredoflondon said...

Happy Blogiversary

400 BABIES!!1

Garrett Bauman said...

Happy 'versary!!!

It's probably good that Schenner wasn't able to go ... getting pregnant with quadricentuplents is probably not the sort of present you had in mind.

Cheers, keep up the great work!


Loser Domi said...

grrrrrreg: Je vous remercie pour les voeux! Merci! Even without bacon or strippers.

Space weed; Welcome! I plan on keeping the truculence flowing as long as I can.

BTD: Thank you! I'll see if I can work in Taffy more.

Jared: They're energy babies!

Garrett Bauman: Thank you! quadricentuplents probably would put a damper on my plans.

Zack said...

Happy Blog-irthday, I can't believe the new guy didn't get you anything, and I'm looking foward to Blogiversary 3.

Loser Domi said...

Zack, no worries. and thank you!


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