Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)
PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!
TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.
ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...
DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?
CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)
PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)
PHANEUF: ...Mike?
CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!
BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?
KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.
BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)
KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?
BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.
KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.
KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.
KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?
KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?
PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.
KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.
KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...
CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.
KESSEL: Oh yeah...
BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.
PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.
KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.
PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.
KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)
CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...
PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?
CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!
BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.
CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)
PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!
CUTHBERT: I love you babe!
KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!
BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)
BRENT: Dion!
GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!
NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)
PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?
BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.
GRABOVSKI: As you vish.
BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!
KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?
KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!
BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.
GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.
BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?
KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!
BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)
CUTHBERT: Hey guys!
KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?
CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!
PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)
BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!
KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.
PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!
CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?
BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?
PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.
BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.
GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.
KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.
CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.
KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.
PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.
KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 


kidkawartha said...

The Leafs- classy and shit.
I think you should that to MLSE and suggest they make it the new team logo.
Also, Grabbo Dread Pirate Roberts- perfect.

Robyn said...

LOL! That was funny.

Aubrey said...

The mental image of Komisarek dressed as Gaga will give me both nightmares and giggles for weeks.

Hostpph said...

I would love to participated in that kind of thing. I can't wait to get Halloween again to do something similar.


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