Saturday, April 26, 2008

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque, Part 2

(RAYCROFT and MAURICE are sitting away from everyone else, sharing massive bong hits.)
RAYCROFT:Wow, Coach, I never would have thought that if you smoked enough weed, Bob Marley music doesn't sound like total shit.
MAURICE: Isn't it surprising, Rayray?
RAYCROFT: You know I got some serious munchies after smoking all that weed, man.
MAURICE: Yeah, we gotta get something to eat, I'm thinking some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky--
RAYCROFT: See, I'm more of a sweets guy—I was thinking more like some peanut butter, and getting some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, making sure it's chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man.
MAURICE: And some popcorn, red popcorn, whatever red popcorn is—
RAYCROFT:graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars so we can make s'mores, man.
MAURICE: Also, celery—
RAYCROFT: Grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries—
MAURICE: And pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons...
RAYCROFT: Oooh boy, Funyons! Let's get 'em!
MAURICE:(while leaving with Raycroft) OK guys, we'll be back, we're just, umm..Raray, what are we doing?
RAYCROFT:We're getting munchies!
MAURICE:Yeah! (The pair leave and after a block or so they encounter ANDY WOZNIEWSKI standing on the sidewlk looking at a stop sign)
MAURICE: Well, there's no traffic, so let's go
RAYCROFT:Coach what are you doing?!
MAURICE: What's so wrong?
RAYCROFT: Coach, that's a “stop” sign, not a “go” sign! It tells us to stop. We have to wait until it says “go” before we can go!
WOZNIEWSKI :I've been waiting here for twelve hours and it hasn't changed yet. (TOMAS KABERLE rounds the corner)
KABERLE: Hey guys.
ALL: Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: What..the hell are you guys doing staring at that stop sign?
MAURICE: Well, the sign tells us to stop. We're waiting for it to say go so we can go.
KABERLE: It already says go
KABERLE: See, you take the “S” and flip the bottom part and that makes a “C” like curve
WOZNIEWSKI :uh-huh...
KABERLE: then you take da top of the “T” and you put it here, and that makes a “G”. The you bring down the “O” and it says “GO”
WOZNIEWSKI: But what about the other lines?
KABERLE: Those turn into exclamation points
ALL: ohhhh... so we can go now?
KABERLE: Yes, you are free.
ALL: Yay! (they leave KABERLE alone)
KABERLE: ugh. Is just like dealing with Bryan McCabe.
McCABE: (in distance) Hey, Kabbie!
KABERLE: Hi, Bryan. Hi everybody!

(STAJAN, WELLWOOD, and STEEN have come off their acid trips and are underneath a tree wrapped around each other in the fetal position)
WELLWOOD: Am I the only one who has no idea what just happend?
STAJAN: I dunno—I'm more worried that we're all curled up in the fetal position together on Bryan McCabe's lawn.
STEEN: As long as it wasn't a gay orgy, I think we're ok.
WELLWOOD:Unless we were on acid, in which case we probably killed a hobo or something, if those health class videos taught me anything.
STAJAN: is three people even enough for an orgy?
WELLWOOD: I don't know, and to be honest, I'd rather just forget that this happened and we just go on like normal.
STEEN and STAJAN: Fair enough, ok.
ANTROPOV: Hey, guys.
WELLWOOD: Where have you been
ANTROPOV: What you mean? me and Poni been standing here this whole time.
STAJAN: So you saw....whatever it was me, Alex, and Kyle were doing?
TUCKER: I saw it all, too. It was more entertaining than an episode of Lost.
STEEN : Oh Sweet Jesus, no.
TUCKER: Don't worry, boyos. It's not like I videotaped the whole thing and will be shortly posting it all on YouTube or anything. (to self) Mental note: when you get home, register domain name
ANTROPOV:Whatever. Me and Poni had brainstorm after season ended.
PONIKAROVSKY : Yeah! We make millions with this idea!
STAJAN:Don;t you guys already make millions playing hockey?
ANTROPOV: you have to think for future, Matty. After you get injured or whatever.
PONIKAROVSKY: we invent Vodka Water! It's rehydrates your body and gets you drunk enough stop your soul from hurting!
WELLWOOD:Vodka water?
STEEN:Isn't that just perpetuating stereotypes of ex-Soviets as drunks?
PONIKAROVSKY :...So? Do you have point?
ANTROPOV: it's stuff me and Poni sometime brewed in hotel bathtubs during road trips starting way back with Dynamo Moscow. (fills cups from suspicious jugs and hands them to everyone around, who takes a drink accompanied by sounds of coughing and retching)
STAJAN:gahhh...ow! I's sloshed just by shmelling all that.
WELLWOOD: heh. Wuss. (takes drink) OH GOD!
STEEN:I think a bit of my soul just died.
TUCKER:Hmmm...(sniffs without drinking) Hey Bryan! I got a present for you!
TUCKER:Yeah, it's stuff Nik and Poni brought. Bottoms up, buddy! (hands cup to McCABE, who downs it in one gulp)
TUCKER:It's ok, Bryan.
TUCKER: come again?
McCABE: I shad, dingy-bingy schnisiniffner!
TUCKER:oh, ok. (sirens) Oh, SHIT! it's the Po-po! we're dead!
STAJAN: Fuck da police!
WELLWOOD:, nah, HELP, help, help da police! heheheheh
KABERLE: I shows you all now why my “A” is for “awesome” Hey Bryan, can you do me a favour?
TUCKER: Wait, where did you come from?
McCABE: What, Kabs?
KABERLE: Can you alphabetize these Skittles for me? (opens bag of Skittles onto ground next to McCABE)
McCABE: Okie-dokie, good buddy! (becomes engrossed by Skittles)
KABERLE: That should buy us at least an hour to talk to the police and make them go away.
POLICE OFFICER: ok, gentlemen, we received a report of a kick-ass party that you didn't invite me to—would you mind explaining that to me?
KABERLE: wait a second...
ANTROPOV: Why is “police” spelled P-O-L-E-E-S-E?
STAJAN: It's not police at all!
McCABE: Kabbie, I'm done! I even alphabetized them by colour since I was bored!
KABERLE: colour?! The stupid make my head hurt...
TUCKER: You're no popo, you're...
POLICE OFFICER: That's right, I'm (takes off fake police uniform) TIE DOMI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

(part 3 to come eventually)


Jaredoflondon said...

Tie Dome = Ultimate Party Police.
I'm surprised he didn't bring a keg and some Coors Light Girls.

Also: In Soviet Russia, Vodka Brews You! (note:I am quite brewed myself at this point)

Navin Vaswani (@eyebleaf) said...

just picturing raycroft and maurice get high is enough to have me on the floor.

Chemmy said...

"If I'm not back in fifteen minutes, call the police."

"If he ain't back in fifteen minutes, I'm callin' Domino's."

dani said...

BBQ part 2, all right! Help the police video was hilarious. Biscuits? :)

Loser Domi said...

@jared: (makes note for part 3)
@navin: my thoughts exactly--I thought Woz waiting for the stop sign to say go had the same effect
@chemmy: don't Forget the CRAZY bread!
@dani: have you been here before? I have no idea.Thanks for stopping by. You're welcome here any time


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