Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Maple Leafs Chat: 400 BABIES!

***Welcome to Luke Schenn's Apartment!***

Schenn_Sational:Mmmm...what a great breakfast! Five dozen eggs, two pounds of bacon, six boxes of waffles and a gallon of orange juice always hits the spot.
***Jenna_Barfly has entered the chat room!***
You probably don't remember me, you pig, but--
Schenn_Sational: Lemme think....Jenna, accountant, and we met like a few months ago at the bar?
Jenna_Barfly: Wow...I, Uh...wasn't expecting that. Anyway...I was at the doctor's and it rurns out I'm pregnant!
Schenn_Sational: Pregnant?! But...that's not possible! We didn't have sex! We chatted a bit, had a drink or two, but...hell, I passed Grade 10 biology!
Jenna_Barfly: I don't know how, but I have here the official form saying I am indeed carrying your children.
Schenn_Sational: Let's see here..."Diagnosis: Patient is pregnant with 400 SCHENN BABIES"! But can't carry 400 babies! You'd explode! You'd be like those people who are 700 pounds and they have to cut open the house to get them out.
Jenna_Barfly: Look, I don't know how it's possible, but that's what the doc told me. She even got in 3 other doctors and I peed on dozens of sticks and each one said the same thing: you're gonna be the first ever daddy of quadricentuplets.
Schenn_Sational:Any chance I could make some calls, get some advice and stuff? You can, uh...just sit on the couch there if you like.
Jenna_Barfly: Well, I could use a nap. Carrying 400 babies is kinda tiring. But remember: I'm a light sleeper and if you try to run off, I'll cut off your balls.
Schenn_Sational: I'll just be in the next room, then.
***The next room***
Holy Crap! I hardly touched her! Who to call, who to call? This can't be happening, it's impossible! Inconcieveable!
***Schenn_sational has called A_Brayden_Grace!***
Luuuuke! How's it going, bro?
Schenn_Sational: Not good, Brayden. This girl, Jenna, just came over and said she's pregnant with 400 of my babies!
A_Brayden_Grace: Ahhhw ha, man! Perfect Luke went and knocked up some random broad! I never thought I'd see the day!
Schenn_Sational: But what do I do? I didn't even have sex with her and the docs say she's definitely preggers.
A_Brayden_Grace: I a reality show! "Jenna and Luke Plus 400...oops"
Schenn_Sational:Well, thanks anyway.
A_Brayden_Grace: Wait, you said you hardly touched her, and she's still pregnant?
Schenn_Sational: That's what her, a team of doctors and a dozen peed-on sticks say.
A_Brayden_Grace:...Do you think that's a Schenn thing? If so...Shit, I got some girls I have to call. Later, Luke.
Schenn_Sational: Later.
***A_Brayden_Grace has left the connection***
Schenn_Sational:Who else could help me? Coach Wilson? Well, it couldn't hurt...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
Schenn_Sational: Coach, I got a problem. I'm expecting babies.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Jebus H. Chirst on a pogostick, Luke. First Stajan gets hit in the face with a soccer ball, White sprains his mustache, Grabovski is making friends with Habs, now you're pregnant! Sweet merciful crap, this team is soft!
Schenn_Sational: No, I'm not pregnant. The girl's got 400 of my babies in her right now!
I_Ron_Butterfly: You knocked up 400 broads?! I know you're young Luke, but there's something to be said for having a night off! And if I were you, I'd be off to the clinic to have some tests done!
Schenn_Sational: No, Ron. It's one girl. 400 babies. From my sperm.
I_Ron_Butterfly: GODAMMIT LUKE QUIT MAKING SHIT UP! Call me when you have a real problem, like you hurt your elbow playing Guitar Hero, or you break your foot playing indoor soccer!
***I_Ron_Butterfly has ended the connection***
well...when all else fails...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
Luke! Honey, how are you? I miss you so much, baby.
Schenn_Sational: Mom, I need advice. There's a girl and she says she's pregnant and....I'm the daddy of her 400 babies.
Mama_Schenn: Oh, how wonderful! I'm gonna be a grandma!
Schenn_Sational: Mom, it's 400 babies! How am I gonna take care of 400 babies? I don't even know how I'd name them. I'd have to put in eartags like they do with cattle.
Mama_Schenn: Luke, honey, don't worry. Schenn babies are self-sustaining.
Mama_Schenn: Why yes...I remember when you came out, you had a little stick and a pair of skates on. You body checked the doctor before he could even cut the cord.
Schenn_Sational: But 400, is that a normal Schenn thing? That shouldn't even be possible!
Mama_Schenn: Luke, why do you think your dad and I waited between your brother and your sister? A woman can only handle so much.
Schenn_Sational: So you're saying...I might have several hundred siblings who are also awesome?
Mama_Schenn: ...
Schenn_Sational: Mom?
Mama_Schenn: OH...I think I have a roast in the oven that needs to come out NOW. Love you honey!
Schenn_Sational:...Never mind.


Pension Plan Puppets said...

Jebus H. Chirst on a pogostick, Luke. First Stajan gets hit in the face with a soccer ball, White sprains his mustache, Grabovski is making friends with Habs, now you're pregnant! Sweet merciful crap, this team is soft!


Aubrey said...

Ha, ha, quadricentuplets! LMAO :D

Zack said...

That's what her, a team of doctors and a dozen peed-on sticks say.

Things that are peed on are never wrong.

Anonymous said...

When Luke called Ron a second time, Mama Schenn picked up the phone... Something else for Luke to worry about? :p

Loser Domi said...

PPP: I'm honoured you came out for this one. Thank you!

Aubrey: They make Ocotmom look like an amateur

Zack: well, sometimes, you just gotta pee on something

Apocaleafs:welcome! That might explain some things...


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