Monday, February 11, 2008

JFJ Suicide Watch part 5

(JFJ is home alone watching “The Price is Right and playing the accompanying drinking game At this point, he’s pretty smashed. )

(on TV) DREW CAREY: Now you’ll have to place your bids on the Encylcopedia Britannica set. The contestant that bids the closest to the actual retail price without going over wins. Jerry, we’ll start with you
JERRY: 1079
CONTESTANT 2: 950
CONTESTANT 3: 951
CONTESTANT 4:One dollar!
JFJ: I HATE you, one dollar lady! That’s the third time you’ve done that this game—is it working for you? Christ I’m so depressed. At least maybe TV will take my mind off of what’s wrong.
DREW CAREY: So Charlene, you’re up on the Price is Right stage, let’s see what you’re playing for…
ANNOUNCER:…A trip to lovely TORONTO! You and a guest will fly…
JFJ: Lovely my ass! Holy shit….how’d I burn through all these bottles of liquor so quick? I aughta return all them and get some beer money. No wait—maybe I should go out for smokes. Do I even smoke? Oh well, I’ll figure it out on the way to get them. (JFJ leaves his place and is now walking around Toronto with a bottle of whiskey in each hand. He eventually arrives at a house that, unbeknownst to JFJ, belongs to BRYAN McCABE.)

JFJ: SUNDIN! Get out here, you donkey licking cocksucker! I gotta talk to ya! I promise I ain’t gonna hurt you that much. (Takes a swig our of a whiskey bottle, then unzips pants and proceeds to urinate on the lawn.)
LADY McCABE: What’s all that racket outside?
BRYAN McCABE: (looks out window) Oh, it’s just a drunk man yelling obscenities and urinating on our lawn.
LADY McCABE: Again? I thought Jeff O’Neill retired.
BRYAN McCABE: He did…I’m going to go see if I can talk to the guy (leaves the house)
JFJ: SUNDIN! Mats my man, come on over here so I can punch you in the face you damn dirty douchlenozzling twatwaffle
BRYAN McCABE: I’m not Mats Sundin, I’m Bryan McCabe
JFJ: Mats, you got a nice head of hair back on you. I thought you were a blond, though…
BRYAN McCABE: Like I said, I’m Bryan McCabe not—Holy Fiddler’s Flip, you’re John Ferguson!
JFJ: John Ferguson JUNIORRRR!
BRYAN McCABE: Oh, ummm…I don’t know his address, but I can give you a phone book and you could try looking him up, you know, preferably somewhere other than my front lawn.
JFJ:Why didn’t I think of that? Thank you, Anchorman!
(at MATT STAJAN’s place, the phone rings and MATT answers it.)
MATT STAJAN: Hello, Matt Stajan.
VOICE OF JFJ: wait, whoa—Matt Stajan?
MATT STAJAN: Yeah, Matt Stajan.
VOICE OF JFJ: Matt Stajan?
MATT STAJAN: Yes—Matt Stajan is the person who is talking right now.
VOICE OF JFJ: MATT STAJAN! MAAATT STAAAJAAAAN! (Hangs up)
MATT STAJAN: Weird. That’s like the third time that’s happened this week.

2 Comments:

Jaredoflondon said...

Stupid one dollar lady, I hate her too.

And twatwaffle? that is gold.

Loser Domi said...

"And twatwaffle? that is gold."

Thank you, Gawker!

 

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