Blue and White Christmas: Final Act

PART 3
(At the cabin, all of the Leafs, including the coaching staff, have arrived and they are all making merry and having a generally good time)
COLTON ORR: Hey guys, you wanna hear a song I just wrote?
TYLER BOZAK: Sure!
DION PHANEUF: Whatever.
KESSEL: I like turtles.

ORR: 

You better watch out, you better not cry

You better not pout I’m telling you why

Colton Orr is coming to town

He sees you when you’re icing, he knows when you put on skates,

He’ll rearrange your face for good, so Matt Carkner don’t give me a blood borne disease.

So fuck all the Sens, and fuck all the Hab

And Lucic, man, you’re just plain sad,

Colton Orr is coming! To! TOWNNNNNN!

PHANEUF: That was beautiful.
CUTHBERT: I don’t think we’re supposed to say fuck on TV.
RON WILSON: Ah, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s actually watching this garbage anyway.
TIM BRENT: But Coach Wilson, shouldn’t we be talking about the REAL meaning of the season?
BOZAK: What are you going on about?
BRENT: Well…And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
WILSON: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, CHARLIE BROWN!
BRENT (dejectedly):…But that was Linus’s big speech…
KABERLE: This is much nice party, Dion, but I have a strong feeling as though there is something…missing.
PHANEUF: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Well, in other Leafs seasons, there was…something else that happened during holiday seasons. I cannot quite remember it…
(there is a knock at the door)
PHANEUF: Hey, Lebda, do something useful with your life—get the door. Or get me another beer. You know, whatever.
(BRETT LEBDA opens the door. It’s a strangely familiar man in a ski mask who is carrying a toy cat)
MASKED MAN: BRRRRR! It’s cold and windy out there!
BRETT LEBDA: Who the Hell are you?
MASKED MAN: Oh, sorry, I had the mask on since it was so cold outside. (Takes off mask. The MASKED MAN turns out to be LEE STEMPNIAK)
LEBDA: Holy shit, it’s the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’m a big fan.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Yes, Brett. And Buttons and I have a special gift for everyone here. (STEMPNIAK takes out a gun and shoots LEBDA in the face, and then leaves.)
CUTHBERT: Did that guy just shoot Lebda in the face? Do we need an ambulance?
KABERLE: NOW I know what this party was missing! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, Leafs fans!


FIN