Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Leafer Madness, Part 7


Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

(At the “Battle Royale” Headquarters)

MINON: There are only 4 players left, Mr. Bettman.

BETTMAN: Excellent (Tents fingers) I don’t I like that Cloa—Colackackacka—that Carlo kid. He doesn’t seem to want to die.

MINON: Yes, sir. He’s certainly a pain in our ass, sir. He’s come back form the dead three times in two days.

BETTMAN: If only I could know passion like that… (Shakes off emotionalism) So, ahem—

MINON: What the—the screen is showing there’s another player on the island.

(The section of the island where WOZNIEWSKI died, KABERLE and COLAIACOVO discover the body, which is twitching with life.)

WOZNIEWSKI:…oww….so. Much. PAIN…

COLAIACOVO: What the—you’re alive, Woz?

KABERLE: But you look like you went through three bear traps and a land mine. How are you alive?

WOZNIEWSKI: Well, let me tell you… (Flashback music)

(In the forest of the island, WOZNIEWSKI, armed with a hatchet, is wandering alone) WOZNIEWSKI: Helloooo? Helllooo! (He steps and lands his left foot in a bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out blood-curdling screams. He steps again, dragging his foot still in the bear trap. He manages a few steps and lands his right foot in another bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out even more blood curdling screams. He continues crawling, dragging himself on his hands. Somehow, he finds a third bear trap with his right hand) WOZNIEWSKI: CHIRSTONAPOGO-STICK THIS HURTS! *lets out screams of terrible pain* (at this point he continues moving, dragging himself by his left hand. He continues like this for a short while, until his right hand falls on a land mine, which promptly goes off and finally kills him.)

DEATH: Are you the one known as Andy Wozniewski?

WOZNIEWSKI: Yeah. Um, is this about the hedge?

DEATH: I am the one your culture knows as DEATH

WOZNIEWSKI: But I don’t even have a hedge

DEATH: I have come for your soul—wait a second—according to my chart here, you no longer have a soul. It says you sold it to play in the NHL. Was it at least a worthwhile investment? You know—getting lots of Cups, people’s respect, girls showing you their boobs, the whole thing?

WOZNIEWSKI: I…uh...wait, I get to challenge you to a game, right?

DEATH: You’re avoiding my question, but yes you can challenge me to a game. You may choose any game ever created in the history of mankind. If you win, you can live.

WOZNIEWSKI: I choose a game that I know how to play, one that I can win at. One I don’t need to be smart or skilled to do. I choose…CANDYLAND!

WOZNIEWSKI: And a purple square later, here I am. But I don’t have my limbs back. Death is a sore loser like that. And oh, last I knew, Kyle Wellwood is playing Death at Risk, so don’t be surprised if you see him around here.

(in Underworld) WELLWOOD: OK, so Scandinavia is attacking Ukraine.

DEATH: Are you sure you want Ukraine? It’s a sitting duck!

GHOST OF PONIKAROVSKY: Ukraiiine nootttt weeeaak!

(Back on the island, COLAIACOVO chainsaws WOZNIEWSKI, killing him)

KABERLE: *gasps in shock and horror* CARLO! How could you do that?

COLAIACOVO: Oops, My finger must’ve slipped.


Jaredoflondon said...

Bill and Ted reference?


Loser Domi said...

I thought Bill and Ted did Twister and Battleship, not Candyland. Though I can't blame Woz for choosing Candyland--I mean, you don't even have to read for that one.

But yes, EXCELLENT! *air guitar*

MF37 said...

Wow...Candy Land. As a father of a four year old, I can confirm that you have have nailed the perfect game for Woz.

Loser Domi said...

thanks for coming by, mf37. I'm glad to hear I did something right here...


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