(Opening: on the team bus. There is the normal goofing off, joking around, poker playing, etc. Sleeping gas is administered without any of the team knowing it. They fall asleep and there is a time lapse of an hour or so later. They awake strewn about in a sparsely furnished classroom-type room with mysterious metal necklaces around their necks. There are armed camouflaged-clad soldiers with gas masks around the perimeter of the room and a large TV screen takes up one wall. The team now gradually wakes up with odd metal collars around their necks.)
DARCY TUCKER: The fuck is….
UNSEEN PLAYER: I thought we were going to the
BRYAN McCABE: Trust me—this is way worse than the Nassau Coliseum.
JASON BLAKE: I second that.
(GARY BETTMAN appears in the TV screen)
PLAYERS: GAH! Kill it! Kill it!
BETTMAN: Good morning, my sunshines!
PLAYERS: Die, you bastard, die! (etc.)
BETTMAN: Hey there, it’s Gary Bettman here. And I have selected you, the Toronto Maple Leafs, to be the first team to use our new system for selecting participants for our All-Star game. The fan balloting worked nice for a little while, but they abused their privilege. The various campaigns getting people to “Vote 4 Rory” and Derek Boogaard taught me something—fans don’t know shit about marketing hockey. And I do.
PLAYERS: *cough* Bullshit! *cough* Bullshit! *cough*
BETTMAN: Before we begin, I’m going to need all of the players who have seen the film “Battle Royale” to step forward. (JOHNNY POHL, STAFFAN KRONWALL, CARLO COLAIACOVO, and BATES BATTAGLIA all step forward) Soldiers, dispose of them. They have an unfair advantage since they already know how this will work (SOLDIERS seize the named players and start dragging them away)
COLAIACOVO: But I was only lured in by Japanese schoolgirls and horrific violence! Let me go! It’s not fair!(SOLDIERS and named players exit)
BETTMAN: The truth is, I couldn’t let some…oaf like Rory Fitzpatrick or a brute like Boogaard into my All-Star game, heavens no. Therefore, I decided to enact a “Battle Royale” style system to select the participants. I’ve taken you to a secluded, abandoned island where for three days you will hunt and kill each other until there is only one of you left.
UNSEEN STAFFER: But what about after the game, Mr. Bettman? Isn’t killing off all but one player on each team going to severely hurt the league? With all due respect, I think it’s a bad idea, sir.
BETTMAN: Someone shoot him, right now! (gunshot off screen) Now, we will give you a sack with food, water, a map of the island, a flashlight, and a randomly selected weapon, just to even things up. Your weapon might be a pot lid, binoculars, a gun or a machete. Needles to say, I’d hope for the gun or the machete if I were you. We will also be placing things around to make the island a bit more interesting, like land mines, bear traps, and all sorts of other surprises. And oh yeah, there’s one more little thing: the necklaces. They monitor your pulse so we know if you’re alive and they have a sensor in them so we know where you are. If there isn’t a winner in three days, all of the necklaces you’re wearing will explode, killing you instantly. They do that if you try to take them off, too. We will gas you all again and dump you off in random places on the island, just to prevent you form ganging up. (gas enters the room through the vents and the players slump, falling asleep again) Goodbye.
(later on…ANDY WOZNIEWSKI wakes up. He is armed with a hatchet.)
WOZNIEWSKI : Hello? Hello? (music from the band Godspeed You Black Emperor! starts playing in the background.) Helloooo! Oh look, a Pepsi can. (WOZNIEWSKI grabs the can of Pepsi. As he is about to start drinking it, BOYD DEVEREAUX staggers by with an arrow through his neck)
DEVEREAUX: Andy…shit just got real…(he dies)
Eliminated: POHL, KRONWALL, COLAIACOVO, BATTAGLIA, and DEVEREAUX
20 more to go