Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Go Puck Yourself

(So sorry for the long post, but I can't figure out how to do a jump yet. Again, I apologize.)

Imagine, if you will, a world in which Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi are given a television talk show to host. This is what I think that world would be like.

Announcer Guy: …and now here are the hosts of “Go Puck Yourself”, Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi! (Darcy and Tie walk out onto a stage that is minimally decorated, but with 2 chairs and a large sack and sit down. Imaginary audience cheers and applauds.)
Darcy Tucker: ‘Morning
Tie Domi: How’s it goin’? (etc.)
Tucker: So yeah, welcome to Go Puck Yourself. I’m Darcy Tucker and he’s Tie Domi
Domi: But enough about us— let’s start the show. (opens a sack filled with letters) Today’s letter comes from Eric VanDerLing of Sookasoul, Wisconsin. Eric asks, “Dear Darcy, would you ever engage in a cage fight with Sean Avery for charity? I think it would be kick-ass.” The guy’s right—it would be pretty kick-ass.
Tucker: For charity? Hells’ bells, I’d do it for free, especially after the cancer thing.
Domi: It was a supremely douchey move, to say the least.
Tucker: It totally was! Now I have to get him back somehow, I have to … (thinking)
Domi: I smell burning, Tucks.
Tucker:I got it! Domi-what’s the only type of joke that’s even more crass than a cancer joke?
Domi: A dead baby joke?
Tucker: Um…besides that. You know what it is? An AIDS joke! It’s so simple! All I have to do is somehow infect Sean Avery with AIDS and then we can makes AIDS jokes about him. That’ll show him to make fun of Jason Blake!
Domi: How does that mean you win? Yeah making fun of cancer isn’t cool, but infecting someone with a deadly disease is just…cruel and heartless. It’s just wrong, Tucks. It’s wrong!
Tucker: If Avery had thought of it first he would use it!
Late on at Avery’s place…
Domi: What are we doing here, again?
Tucker:What does it look like? I’ve got this bucket of AIDS infected blood and I’m going to throw it at Avery when he opens the door.
Domi: Where did you…I shouldn’t even ask.
Tucker: Hammerspace is a wonderful thing, Domi
Domi: I meant where did you get…never mind.
Tucker: (rings doorbell) Housecleaning!
Domi: Mormons!
Tucker: No, Domi—we’re trying to get him to open the door, remember?
Domi: What’s with this “we” business? Screw this, I’m getting out of here. (Domi leaves, Sean Avery opens the door and walks out)
Avery: Hello…that’s a bucket of blood you’re going to throw at me, isn’t it? Lovely cashmere throw for protection!
Tucker: SHIT! Not the lovely cashmere throw!

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of…

Avery: (screams in terrible pain)
who fell onto the ground writhing in pain
Avery: NOO!! No longer will I be able to bone hot blonds!
Tucker: Nice work, Chuck—(Chuck Norris administers a double-reverse-roundhouse kick to Tucker, who then falls on the ground, bloody and unconscious. Domi enters from behind a potted plant of some sort.)
Domi: Thanks for coming in, Chuck. I was afraid that was going to get out of hand really easily. And oh yeah, Chuck, could you do one more thing for me? (Domi attempts to squirt lemon juice into Chuck’s eyes to get him to cry but gets a punch in the face instead. Chuck walks away)
Chuck: You think I would fall for the old, "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer" bit? I beseech you, Domi



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