Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Cock Knockers Incorporated!

(glovetap to The Pensblog for the Photoshop goodness)


Hello, gentle readers. The following is a joint effort by Heather at Wrap Around Curl and I. We were going to put it up sooner to be current, but after Sean Avery was admitted to the hospital, we felt like it was in poor taste to make fun of him. However, since Captain Cock Knocker got released from the hospital, we figure he's open season.


(SCENE: Vogue offices, where a generic BOSS is giving orientation to SEAN AVERY)

BOSS: ...and among your duties will be to make copies—

AVERY:--uh, I don't do copies. I do hot bitches on copiers. Get it right.

BOSS: --and getting coffee, those sorts of things. Do you have any questions?

AVERY:Yeah, when do we get to bang the hot chicks?
BOSS:...excuse me, Sean?

AVERY: You know, the skinny bitches you got on the covers. Don't you have a warehouse full of 'em, like, having pillow fights and snorting coke off each other?

BOSS: I don't know where you are getting your ideas from, Sean, but I can assure you that you are certainly mislead.


(Later, AVERY is chatting up two attractive and young FEMALE INTERNS)

AVERY: How are you two ladies doing? You know, I'm a superstar hockey player for the Rangers.

INTERN 1: What's a hockey?

INTERN 2: Is that the one where they're on horses?

AVERY: it's when my dick is in your mouth!

BOSS:Sean, that's not really appropriate behavior to exhibit.

AVERY:What? I unplugged the security cameras first so there's no evidence of sexual harassment.

BOSS: Just get me some coffee.


(later still)


BOSS:Sean, can you come into my office for a bit? The coffee you got me tastes...odd.

AVERY:Oh, about that—I wanted to make a really good impression, so I just went ahead and Irish'd it up for you.

BOSS:Sean, you are aware that Irish coffee contains more coffee than whiskey, right? You can't just pour alcohol into people's drinks without them consenting.

AVERY:It's not like I roofied it or anything (muttering to self) like I'm going to later.

BOSS: Also, there were...issues with the copies you made for me. Now, by "issues", I really mean the fact that there is a photocopy of what appears to be your penis taking the place of every sixth page. Would you care to explain that?

AVERY:That's just how I roll. Cock Knockers, Incorporated!

BOSS: Also, is that black nail polish on your hands?

AVERY: No, boss, I totally wasn't painting my nails on company time, nosiree. See, I was...product testing! Yeah! See, the left hand has Black Satin from Chanel and the right hand has Maybelline Express Finish Nail Polish in Belging Black.

BOSS: And your assessment of them is...?

AVERY: Hell if I can tell the difference. The Chanel looks a little shimmerier, if that's even a word.

BOSS: Sean, your...idiosyncrasies have really stuck in my craw, and it's only been your first day. However, I--(AVERY delivers an elbow check, knocking BOSS unconscious)

AVERY: Hey, I was just finishing my check, that was totally a clean hit. (Exits office.)

(later, after a hard day of interning, AVERY and a mixed group of OTHER INTERNS wait in line to enter a club)

AVERY: Hey, I know this place! This one time, Marc Staal got stinking shit-faced and puked his guts out right over there. That was an awesome night. (sees random MALE STRANGER.)

MALE STRANGER: Wait a minute, you look familiar...didn't you get kicked out of here a few months back?

AVERY:uhhh...maybe? But girlfrienddddd, where did you get those shoes!?

MALE STRANGER:These shoes cost 300 fucking dollars!

AVERY: Let's get 'em! (Beats up MALE STRANGER, steals his shoes, and runs away)

3 Comments:

dani said...

hahahhahhahahahhahahahhahaha That was great.

Heather said...

We are a beacon of accuracy!

Jaredoflondon said...

shimmerier

I am so using that word every 3rd sentence now.

 

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