Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 2

Well, cats and kittens, wraparoundcurl and I have once again put our heads together to bring you part two of our exclusive inside look of Sean Avery's summer internship at Vougue (Part one is here)

(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is bringing in coffee and lunch to a fashion photo shoot featuring two female models.)

AVERY:Lunch is here, guys. (to MODELS) ‘Sup sluts?

MODELS: Hi, Sean!

FEMALE INTERN: Eating lunch is for weirdos.

AVERY:I don’t know why we bring in food for the models at all—they’re just going to throw it up anyway. Actually…I wonder when these two are gonna “lez out”

FEMALE INTERN: Excuse me?

AVERY:If I’ve learned anything from any movie or TV show, it’s that when two really good looking women are together, they’re gonna start making out and feeling each other up. Hell, that happens even if they aren’t that attractive.

FEMALE INTERN: And exactly what movies taught you this?

AVERY: “Naughty Nurses”, “The Mighty Dykes”, “Lesbo Vampires of the Amazon.” You know, the classics.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re a pig!

AVERY:I know—a hot tub! That’ll get them going. Hey photographer guy! I got an idea. How’s about a hot tub with small strategically placed Rangers gear? But keep those high heels. Those are fabulous shoes, just fabulous shoes.

FEMALE INTERN: But then they won’t be showing off the clothes

AVERY: Who cares? There are naked people in the Abercromie and Fitch catalogue all the time and they still sell. It’ll be provocative and make people talk and buy stuff, like the Miley Cyrus thing.

FEMALE INTERN: Why would you ever combine fashion press and hockey?

AVERY:I’ll be honest with ya, cupcake, I have a vision. See, when I was in the hospital with my cock knocking spleen causing trouble, I had this dream…(flashback mode)

(SCENE: AVERY is in a hockey rink, on center ice holding one end of a string. The other end is attached to a plate holding a big slice of pie. MARTIN BRODEUR enters.)

BRODEUR: Oh boy! Faceoff pie! (BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY:Maaaaarrrrrty….

BRODEUR : Come here, you delicious pie! (again BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY: Come and get me, Marty, I’m all a la mode and shit. Whatsa matter, can’t eat me? (BRODEUR disappears. A trapdoor suddenly appears and opens, and then AVERY falls through it into an all-white featureless room.)

AVERY: What in the flying fuck…?

BOOMING VOICE :Sean, we must talk.

AVERY: You’re damn right we have to talk! Right now, I should be with at least three “Deal or No Deal” models kicking Sidney Crosby in the crotch!

BOOMING VOICE: Sean, you know that the press coverage of hockey has really gone down over the years. Would you like to see it covered beyond mentions of bench clearing brawls and horrific injuries?

AVERY:Sure, what do I do?

BOOMING VOICE: We need you to infiltrate any sort of press you can. Get yourself and hockey exposed everywhere, like they did with poker.

AVERY: Isn’t that what Sidney Crosby is for? You know, jumping through hoops for people?

BOOMING VOICE: Sidney does his job well, but we have been riding him harder than an underage Thai hooker.

AVERY: Who the hell are you, anyway? And what happens if I refuse to be your little media whore?

BOOMING VOICE : Well Sean, you don’t have to help out the hockey gods if you don’t want to. We’d just like to point out that even if you don’t need a spleen to live, a lacerated one can get pretty nasty.

AVERY: So…you’re pretty much just holding my health hostage so I help you?

BOOMING VOICE: Pretty much. How else were we supposed to get your attention?

AVERY: Fair enough. I’ll do it.

AVERY: So you see, I’m not just any cock knocker. I’m on a mission from God.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re still a pig though.