Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Phil Kessel Has a Sad (Time To Say Goodbye: Loser Domi [for real this time])

PHIL KESSEL: Ahhh geez, it’s been a rough couple of weeks.
LOSER DOMI: I’ll say.
KESSEL: I’m not scoring at all, not matter how much I try and hustle.  And you’re, like, not even posting anymore.
LD: Yeah…about that…I’ve been meaning to do this for a while, but I think I’m officially ending this site.
LD: Well, to be totally honest, I’m incredibly busy. I have a lot of work responsibilities, I may be getting into school again, and I even have what you might call a….”special buddy.”
KESSEL: You mean like me and Bozie? We’re awesome buddies!
LD:  It’s more than like what you have with Bozie. Even if you like hanging out and playing video games with Bozak, there’s a lot of other stuff you wouldn’t do with him, right?

KESSEL:  Well, yeah, you know. Like, I wouldn’t live with him or—oh.  Are you talking about butt sex?’Cuz I would NEVER being doin’ that with Bozie.
LD:  No, Phil, not butt sex but….never mind, let’s just move on.
KESSEL: So why are you ending the blog?
LD: To be honest, I’m getting way too busy to maintain it. Plus, I feel like it’s gotten a lot less fun. It’s more work now than it ever was.  So, for the sake of my own sanity and out of fairness to all 12 people who read this thing, I don’t want it hanging over my head anymore.
KESSEL: Ah, geez. You’re quitting the internet forever? How will I read about Grabbo stabbing pineapples, or Brett  Lebda getting shot in the face?
LD:  Don’t worry: I’m not quitting the internet. I’ll still be over at Barry Melrose Rocks, writing about the whole league.  And I’ll always be over on Twitter. And there are always the archives.
KESSEL: You know how I feel about the Twitters.
LD: Yeah, yeah, I’ve watched the video a thousand times--stay offa Twitters:

KESSEL: So you’re leaving your own site?
LD: I am for the foreseeable future at least.  Who knows—I might be back later, when my real life allows more room for all of my online lives. But for now, WWoLD just has to go into retirement.
KESSEL: But you’re still on the Twitters and on the other site nobody reads?
LD: I’ll have you know that Barry Melrose Rocks has at least 20 readers!  There are the drinking games and Kevin crying about the Islanders. Sometimes we have video of wee school children falling down or fighting. It’s awesome.
KESSEL: Yeah, that Enforcer guy’s pretty good. Even if it’s just making fun of the Sedins and trying to rewrite Star Wars to be about Anze Kopitar.
LD:  I can still write about the Leafs in those two ways. I just won’t be running my own site anymore. See what I’m saying?
KESSEL: I do. It’s still kinda sad though.
LD: Not as sad as the fact my last real post –unless I start it back up—will be about Brett Lebda.
KESSEL: Brett Lebda is always sad.
LD: Yeah…
(really awkward pause)
KESSEL: So…uhh….do you wanna drink some beers and play Call of Duty with me and Bozie?
LD: I’m not much of a gamer, but beers sound like a fantastic idea.

Seriously though, thanks to the readers, the good people I’ve “met” while doing this, and MLSE for not suing me into the Stone Age. It’s been fun, and a great experience.  You can keep up with the madcap adventures on Twitter  and Barry Melrose Rocks

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Friday Youtube Yoinkage: January 14, 2010

Good Lord, I'm a slacker. In honor of me being lazy as hell and failing at blogging, this week's theme is Brett Lebda

In clip one, a drunken Brett Lebda talks to a reported after the Red Wings won the Stanley cup. Did you notice how much he was making a HUGE effort to not just stare at her chest?

In clip two, Brett Lebda has some sort of feature about him. Highlights include how disappointed the kids are to meet him. You know the coach trumped that up and got the kids all excited to meet a real NHLer, only to bring in Brett Lebda. What a sadistic coach.

Did you notice how the two clips I posted are of Brett Lebda as a Red Wing, and how there's nothing on him as a Leaf? There's a reason for that--highlight clips of Brett Lebda as a Leaf don't exist. The best thing I could find was this parody interview, which I'm not sure is that much of a parody. Highlights include Brett Lebda's views on love (spoiler alert: it's titties), and making fun of Old Man Chelios.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Blue and White Christmas: Final Act

(At the cabin, all of the Leafs, including the coaching staff, have arrived and they are all making merry and having a generally good time)
COLTON ORR: Hey guys, you wanna hear a song I just wrote?
KESSEL: I like turtles.

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout I’m telling you why
Colton Orr is coming to town
He sees you when you’re icing, he knows when you put on skates,
He’ll rearrange your face for good, so Matt Carkner don’t give me a blood borne disease.
So fuck all the Sens, and fuck all the Hab
And Lucic, man, you’re just plain sad,
Colton Orr is coming! To! TOWNNNNNN!
PHANEUF: That was beautiful.
CUTHBERT: I don’t think we’re supposed to say fuck on TV.
RON WILSON: Ah, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s actually watching this garbage anyway.
TIM BRENT: But Coach Wilson, shouldn’t we be talking about the REAL meaning of the season?
BOZAK: What are you going on about?
BRENT: Well…And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
BRENT (dejectedly):…But that was Linus’s big speech…
KABERLE: This is much nice party, Dion, but I have a strong feeling as though there is something…missing.
PHANEUF: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Well, in other Leafs seasons, there was…something else that happened during holiday seasons. I cannot quite remember it…
(there is a knock at the door)
PHANEUF: Hey, Lebda, do something useful with your life—get the door. Or get me another beer. You know, whatever.
(BRETT LEBDA opens the door. It’s a strangely familiar man in a ski mask who is carrying a toy cat)
MASKED MAN: BRRRRR! It’s cold and windy out there!
BRETT LEBDA: Who the Hell are you?
MASKED MAN: Oh, sorry, I had the mask on since it was so cold outside. (Takes off mask. The MASKED MAN turns out to be LEE STEMPNIAK)
LEBDA: Holy shit, it’s the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’m a big fan.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Yes, Brett. And Buttons and I have a special gift for everyone here. (STEMPNIAK takes out a gun and shoots LEBDA in the face, and then leaves.)
CUTHBERT: Did that guy just shoot Lebda in the face? Do we need an ambulance?
KABERLE: NOW I know what this party was missing! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, Leafs fans!


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Friday Youtube yoinkage December 24, 2010

I'm taking a break from the Christmas special to bring back what may be a much loved WWoLD feature: the Yoinkage! This week, I've found the Leafs wishing you the happiest of holidays in creative ways. 

In clip one, Dion Phaneuf sings a special, UNCENSORED version the holiday classic "Piano Man." Merry Fucking Christmas, indeed!

In clip two, Phil Kessel talks about how much he likes candy canes...on his stick. Yeesh, there is no way to make that sound snark-free.

In clip three, the Leafs give back with their annual Have a Heart dinner. Giving back is important year-round, but most people think about volunteering and charity during the holidays. Highlights include watching Francois Beauchemin and Kris Versteeg tending bar, Mikhail Grabovski, and Brian Burke talking smack about entrees.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Blue and White Christmas: Blue and White Holidays around the World

(Still in the “cabin”, there is another knock at the door. It’s NAZEM KADRI, TOMAS KABERLE, MIKE BROWN, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI)
DION PHANUEF (visibly drunk): The hell do you want?
TOMAS KABERLE: Dion, it is multiple other Leafs.
NAZEM KADRI: We have booze!
PHIL KESSEL:  Elisha, I like your sweater…
ELISHA CUTHBERT: We should let them in.
PHANEUF: Guys, let yourselves in. I’m too drunk and warm to move. (The guys outside enter.) 
BROWN: Man, this is one sweet-ass fake cabin!
CUTHBERT: Guys, stop saying the cabin’s fake! (pauses) You know what? I don’t give a shit anymore. Kid Kadri, you shouldn’t even be having this stuff anyway (swipes rather large bottle of whiskey from KADRI and takes several gulps.)
KESSEL:  Elisha, are you sure that’s a good idea?
CUTHBERT: I’ll drink all of you puss balls under the table!
PHANEUF: Uh…well then. There has to be a way to make this less weird. How’s about we talk to some of the other Leafs about non Christmas holiday stuff so we don’t look all racist and shit? That sounds good? Grabbo, you go first.
GRABOVSKI: In Belarus, we makings things of straw. Is like straw where Baby Jesus born. 
PHANEUF:  Kabbie, what about you?  What do they do in Czech land?
KABERLE: In Czech Republic, we have many apples and pears as decorations. And if you fast all day Christmas Eve, you see a golden piglet. 
PHANEUF:  That’s kinda cool. Weird, but cool. What about you, Kadri? Since you’re Muslim, you guys do Ramadan, right?
KADRI: Well, yes Ramadan is a religious holiday, but—
PHANEUF:  Yeah, it’s kinda like a Muslim Hanukkah, isn’t it?
KADRI: You’re fucking kidding me.
BROWN: And me.
PHANEUF:  Ah, shit…
BROWN: Man, fuck this. You wanna go grab a sandwich or something?
KADRI: As long as it’s not a BLT! (canned laughter. BROWN and KADRI highfive and leave)
PHANEUF:  Well folks, that was, uh…
CUTHBERT: (after several more gulps of whiskey) WHO WANTS TO PLAY TWISTER?
KESSEL:  Oh! Let’s make it STRIP Twister!
PHANEUF:  Any of you touch my girl, and I’ll break your friggin’ faces!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Blue And White Christmas: Gift of the Schenn Guys

(SCENE: Still at the “cabin”, DION PHANUEF is stuffing his face with cookies and booze.)
ELISHA CUTHBERT: Welcome back from those words from our sponsors!
(There is a knock at the door)
CUTHBERT: Who could that be?
PHANEUF: What the hell do you want?
(CUTHBERT gets off the couch and opens the door. It’s LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL, and TYLER BOZAK.)
CUTHBERT: Hey guys! I’m so glad that you could make it all the way to our cabin!
LUKE SCHENN: Well, it’s not that hard to find this sound stage, Elisha.
TYLER BOZAK: Maybe we shouldn’t point out how all of this is fake, Luke.
PHIL KESSEL: Hi, Elisha…Is that one of those video fireplaces? Those things are so cool.
BOZAK: Yeah they are! I so wish I was the guy who thought of making a DVD by pointing my camera at a fireplace. That guy was GENIUS to get people to pay 10 bucks for a video fire.
SCHENN: I know, right? That’s retirement money right there.
KESSEL: DION! How you doin’, man?
PHANEUF: Awesome! Here, have some eggnog and cookies!
KESSEL: Kickass!
CUTHBERT:  This is so cool! I’m sure you guys have some great holiday stories to share. (Everyone has an awkward moment of silence where they’re staring at each other.) I said…(clears throat) I’m sure you have some great stories—
SCHENN: Uh, yeah! I do!
(Present “flashback” transition effects to LUKE SCHENN as an 11 year old getting ready for school back in Saskatchewan.)

SCHENN (In voiceover): I think it was the Christmas when I was about 11. My brother Brayden and I were excited to be getting ready for Christmas. 
LUKE: Mom! Where’s my hat and mittens? 
MAMA SCHENN: It should be in the hall next to your boots. 
BRAYDEN: LUKE! Do you have my lace tightener? 
LUKE: NO! Why would I have your stupid lace tightener? 
BRAYDEN: You do, too have it! 
LUKE: No I don’t, you stupid face! 
BRAYDEN: I’m not a stupid face! 
LUKE: At least I can spell my name right! 
MAMA SCHENN: Boys! You have to get ready for school or you will miss the bus! 
(LUKE and BRAYDEN leave the house and get on the school bus.)
BRAYDEN: It’s only 2 more weeks til Christmas! Did you make your list for Santa yet?
LUKE:  Not yet. All I really want is some new laces, some blade tape, and a binder for my hockey cards. 
BRAYDEN: Yeah, that envelope isn’t really working anymore. It’s kinda full. 
LUKE: What about you, Brayden?
BRAYDEN: I want  Final Fantasy 8! 
LUKE: Wow! You think Santa will bring it?
(Another young boy, KRIS, sitting behind LUKE and BRAYDEN turns around)
KRIS: You two twerps still think “Santa” will bring you Christmas presents? 
LUKE: We’re not twerps! 
BRAYDEN: Yeah, we’re not! 
KRIS: Wanna make something of it? 
LUKE: Uh-huh! (LUKE jumps over the seat and punches KRIS)
KRIS: AHH! My face! You erased my face! 
SCHENN (in voiceover): I was so worried about there not being a Santa. Plus, that fight probably didn’t help me get on the good list, anyway. So, I figured I had to work hard to get Brayden Final Fantasy 8 just in case Santa didn’t deliver. (Start montage of LUKE doing chores for extra money)  I did dishes, shoveled the driveway, and did all of these extra chores to buy the game. But I still couldn’t get enough money. So, after thinking long and hard, I sold all of my hockey cards to the card shop. Anyway, Christmas day came and…
(SCENE: Christmas morning at the Schenns. The whole family is opening gifts. )
MAMA SCHENN:  Ok Luke, your turn now. (LUKE opens a gift It’s a binder, complete with sleeve sheets, for hockey cards.) 
LUKE: (excited) WOW!  A binder for cards! (a bit saddened) Too bad I sold all of my hockey cards. 
MAMA SCHENN: Luke…you loved those cards. Why did you sell them?
LUKE: I wanted to buy Brayden…this. (Takes out a wrapped gift from behind the tree and gives it to BRAYDEN) Unwrap it, Brayden! (BRAYDEN unwraps the gift. It’s Final Fantasy 8.) 
BRAYDEN (excited): Wow! Final Fantasy 8! That’s so cool! You really sold you hockey cards for it? 
LUKE: Yeah. I did all of these chores and stuff for it, too, but I didn’t have enough money. So I had to sell my cards to buy the game for you. Merry Christmas!
BRAYDEN: Wow! Thanks, Luke! Do you like your hockey binder?
LUKE: Yeah! Now I just need some cards to put in it (nervous chuckle.) 
BRAYDEN: I’m happy you like the binder, Luke.  Because…I stole it. 
(SCENE: Back at the present day cabin)
CUTHBERT: That was such a great story until the very end, Luke.
BOZAK: Yeah, you worked your ass off and got bupkiss. AND your brother’s a thief!
SCHENN: Nah, it’s cool. I kicked his ass for stealing later that day. When the store was open again, I dragged him back there to apologize. Brayden never stole anything ever again.
PHANEUF: Cool story, Luke.
KESSEL: Holy crap, these cookies and milky booze are AWESOME.
SCHENN: I want some!
PHANEUF: Luke, can you drink here?
BOZAK: He’s Luke Schenn in Toronto. Do you think anyone gives a shit?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Blue and White Christmas: part one

(SCENE: Inside of what looks like a cabin that’s out in snow covered woods. ELISHA CUTHBERT and DION PHANEUF are inside of what looks like a festively decorated living room, complete with comfy couch, large decorated Christmas tree, and “fire” place)

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Annual Christmas Special!
DION PHANEUF: Elisha…who are you talking to?
CUTHBERT: I’m talking to the audience.
PHANEUF: But there’s no audience. It’s all black and dark out there.
CUTHBERT:  Well, Dion, it’s the audience at home.
PHANEUF: This isn’t even a real cabin. That fire’s fake—it’s just this video screen thing.
 CUTHBERT: Stop negating the premise!
PHANEUF: But what the hell are we doing here?
CUTHBERT: Don’t you remember that we agreed to do this Christmas special? We’d have skits and music and stuff like that?
PHANEUF:  Babe, you know I agree to all sorts of shit when I’m on a lot of painkillers. I don’t remember jack from the past two months.
CUTHBERT: Well, here we are filming…
PHANEUF: OK, fine. I just got one question.
PHANEUF: Is there eggnog?
CUTHBERT: Yeah. There’s, like, a shitload of it out back.
PHANEUF: AWESOME. Maybe this won’t suck so much after all.
CUTHBERT: Well folks, we hope you like our holiday special!
PHANEUF: We have booze and cookies! And it'll be , like all swanky and stuff.


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