Holiday Kesstacular, part one!

It's become something of a tradition over here at tWWoLD to have a longer series over the "holidays" time. Last year, it was "It's a Wendelful Life". The year before that, it was "Leafer Madness. " This year, I present to you all the heart-warming story of "Holiday Kesstacular!"

(SCENE: After practice)

RON WILSON: Ok guys, fine practice. Kessel, can I see you in my office for a minute?

PHIL KESSEL: Sure thing, coach.

WILSON: Now Phil, as you know, I’m really big on getting guys to do events in the community, and I was just wondering if you found anything like that here in Toronto.

KESSEL: Well Ron, I’m still getting used to this city. Like yesterday, I was so lost, but I kept saying to myself “If I can find Yonge street, I can know where I am.” Do you have any idea how long that street is, Ron?

WILSON: It’s one of the longest streets in the world, Phil. Goes all the way from Lake Ontario to Barrie.

KESSEL: And the streets are so logical and grid-like—not at all like Boston. I get so confused anytime I try to go out and get milk, let alone trying to found a charity!

WILSON: Fair enough. Schenn and Stajan are going to a school thing tomorrow, teach the kids not to do drugs, drink milk, stay in school, that kind of stuff—you wanna go with them?

KESSEL: Sure, Coach—sounds great.

(THE NEXT DAY, LUKE SCHENN, MATT STAJAN, and KESSEL are in a school auditorium as a generic motivational speaker talks to the students.)

MATT STAJAN: (Drowsily) Holy shit, man, I am so freaking hung over…

LUKE SCHENN: Not so loud, Matt. You can’t let the kids hear that. We’re supposed to be positive role models!

KESSEL: Too many strawberry daiquiris last night, Matt?

STAJAN: I think the lights are humming too loudly…

MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER: Now it’s YOUR turn, kids! What do you want to ask the Toronto Maple Leafs? (Lots of kids raise hands, yell “mememe”) uh, yes, you. (Points at LITTLE BILLY, who stands up)

LITTLE BILLY: Mr. Stajan, how can you justify your position on the team given your rather low score totals, lack of playoff experience, and your tendency for dropping the puck at inopportune times?

STAJAN: Uhhhh….you’re a smart one…

SCHENN: Who wants to see me erase somebody?

KESSEL: Who wants to see me shoot some slappers?

KIDS: I DO! I DO! ME! (etc.)

(later that day…)

STAJAN: Thanks for saving me back there, guys.

SCHENN: Matt, you’ve been doing this for how many years now? You shouldn’t need saving.

KESSEL: That wasn’t so bad. I like working with kids ‘cause I can understand their level of thinking.

STAJAN: Phil, Luke. I’m sorry but…it’s just that…(sighs) You have one Shirley Temple , and you think “Wow, this is so awesome! I want more!” So you do, and then you have another, and another, until you’ve had 10 or 12. Then you realize you can’t feel your lips anymore, it’s three AM and you’re starting to argue with tables and chairs.

KESSEL: Uhh…Matt…

SCHENN: I’m not much of a cocktail kind of guy, but I think a Shirley Temple has no alcohol in it.

STAJAN: …Seriously?

KESSEL: Yeah, I think it’s like, sugar syrup and ginger ale or something with cherries.

STAJAN: …Really? (SCHENN and KESSEL nod.) Well, crap.

SCHENN: To be fair, sugar crashes can be pretty bad, too.

STAJAN: I guess it’s back to Long Island Iced Teas for me. Later, guys. (goes home.)

SCHENN: Yeah, it was an okay time, but I have to head home, Phil. That lucky bamboo won’t water itself. (goes home.)

KESSEL: Later,Matty! Later, Schenners. (WILSON appears from behind a bush.) Coach Ron? Where did you come from?

WILSON: I always need to keep an eye on my players, especially the good ones, like you. How did it go with the kids today, Phil?

KESSEL: It was OK, I guess. But sometimes with speakers and the stuff we did today, the kids who are gonna do drugs and whatever don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t wanna be just another thing they tune out, donchaknow. I want to actually help people.

WILSON: Well, Phil, I’m sure you’ll find your place and special gifts soon enough.

Will Phil Kessel find his special way to help people? Find out in the next chapter of our Holiday Kesstacular!

Time To Say Goodbye: Jiri Tlusty

Jiri Tlusty has been traded to the Carolina Hurricanes for Philippe Paradis. Now, as many of you may know, I'm a much, much, bigger fan of Czechs as crush objects than Quebecois. I think it's the fact that I've lived with some very unsavoury examples of the people (especially Quebecois guys in glasses. I keep expecting him to start a fight with me over how to put knifes in the dishwasher.) I know they're not all like those guys, but I still need something to get the taste out of my mouth, so to speak.

Oh well.
Great Moments in WWoLD history

You can find them all here, but highlights include: PRAGUE NIGHT OF GLAMOUR,

being my birthday buddy, made an appearance for my second blogiversary, was part of an epic LOLeafs-off, and helped Nik Antropov on a mission to help out some defenseless kitties.

What I learned from Jiri Tlusty

Damn, that's a lot of jokes that are just gone now. Czechs rock. Always be well-groomed. Stick handling is very important. Tonguing dudes can be a good time. Facebook can be an enemy and a friend.

to send Jiri off properly, here's a massive photopic spam of Mr. MOAR SEXYTIMEZ MAN himself:

Best of luck, Jiri. I'll still send you a birthday card, buddy.

Maple Leafs Chat: Monster's Hospital

***Welcome to Montreal Hospital chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Hey guys, I really appreciate that you could come out here to visit Jonas.

NOT_BOBBY: Sure thing Coach. Gussy’s a great guy.

KesselRun81Parsecs: He’s a teammate AND a friend.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Wait, ‘ow do we know where he is?

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t have a clue, but I can ask this admin secretary woman where he is. Excuse me, I’m looking for a Jonas Gustavsson. I’m his coach, Ron Wilson.

Admin_Secretary: Let me check…Oh, we just moved him into pediatrics.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Why the Hell is he in pediatrics?

NOT_BOBBY: But he’s like six-three!

Buttons_and_Beauch: He’s 25!

Admin_Secretary: Apparently, they thought he was a malnourished teenager or something.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Well, he is pretty scrawny

Admin_Secretary: He’s in room 223.

***Welcome to Room 223!***

Monsters_Ball: Hey guys!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Jonas, are you feeling any better?

Monsters_Ball: I’m kind of tired, but I guess I’ll be ok.

KesselRun81Parsecs: I brought you what always makes me feel better: some ginger ale and a coloring book!

Monsters_Ball: Wow, Spiderman! Thanks. But all I have to color with is this blue pen I swiped from a nurse.

Buttons_and_Beauch: That’s why I got you zese markers, cuz Phil didn’t tink of dat.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Oh geez, I’m such a stooge!

NOT_BOBBY: And I got you…uh, it’s a newspaper. But maybe you can fold the pages into a bitchin’ pirate hat!

Monsters_Ball: You guys might want to keep it down. The girl I share the room with has cancer and she’s trying to sleep. Poor little Ava, she’s just seven.

Ava_CancerKid: It’s ok mister goalie man, I’m awake. Can I say hi to your friends?

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hi, Ava. I had a cancer once. Right in my testiculars, donchaknow,

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for a seven year old girl, Phil.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Is dere anyting we can do to ‘elp either of you?

Monsters_Ball: I am fine, except I would really like a bed I can fit in. These pediatric beds only fit me if I chop off my legs at the knee. It’s annoying.

Ava_CancerKid: Can you hockey guys make it so that I don’t have cancer anymore?

NOT_BOBBY: I can punch your cancer out!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Colton, you can’t punch out cancer! You’re not that tough.

NOT_BOBBY: Awwwww, nuts! I wanted to punch someone out.

***Tosking_Heads, brandishing a bottle in a paper bag, has entered the chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, crap. Looks like Toskala found out where we were.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Tosk, you look like you haven’t slept in a few days.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Or shaved for a week.

NOT_BOBBY: Or showered in a month.

Tosking_Heads:…

Monsters_Ball: Oh, Hallo, Toskala. I like seeing you! How are you?

Tosking_Heads: The Vesssha hatsssh you shooo mush.

Tosking_Heads: /falls down

I_Ron_Butterfly: Wait a second--this isn’t even alcohol in this bottle. It’s just iced tea.

Tosking_Heads: Booshe makes my Vesha sho bloated.

Monsters_Ball: But the iced tea will keep you up all night.

Tosking_Heads: I knowsh.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage: December 4, 2009

Today's theme is "that...that JUST happened, part 2"

Clip one: Don Cherry sings techno. That's all you need to know.


clip two: Jordan Staal apparently likes drinking and making goofy faces. Actually, he makes goofy faces anyway.


clip three: just because it's hilarious, some guys dressed as Supertroopers playing Rock Band:

LOLeafs: Getting antsy edition

as usual, all photos from AP/Yahoo

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, November 27, 2009

Today, the Youtube yoinkage is going into the kitchen. Normally, I don't really like cooking at all, but considering yesterday was American Thanksgiving, it's been on my mind. As an added bonus, here's a recipe my mom found for my gluten intolerant sister. It's insanely delicious but really rich and filling, so cut it into smaller slices:

pie crust:
2/3 cup chocolate chips
2 tablespoons heavy cream
2 teaspoons shortening
1 cup chopped walnuts

melt everything but nuts, then add nuts and pour/spread into pie plate. refrigerate 1 hour before filling

filling:
1 8 ounce package of cream cheese
1 cup peanut butter (optional: 2 extra tables spoons for garnish)
1/2 cup sugar
1 12 ounce package cool whip, thawed
optional: hot fudge

beat cream cheese until smooth, add peanut butter and sugar, mix well. Fold in 3 cups cool whip, top with fudge and cool whip.

Onto the videos!

Clip one: For some reason, I was wondering if there could ever be a raw food cooking show, on account of the food staying, well, raw. This adorable child demonstrating how to make raw cookies showed me that it could be possible (but 3 hours in a dehydrator? Who would think raw food would be so much work?)


clip two: Now, I couldn't have a post about cooking and hockey without including this clip of Evgeni Malkin and Alyonka Larionov on PensTV. Highlights include ample use of Russian, obvious sexual tension, and a surprise visit from Kris LeTang.


Clip three: Jody Vance and Wade Belak go cooking in an episode of "Wade a Minute." Highlights include...well, Wade Belak cooking. That's all you need to know

Ask Lee Stempniak: Bisexual, Asshat

(mugshot from NHL.com)

I'd like to thank JaredofLondon for being a great idea bouncer once again.

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house, where he is seated on his couch with PHIL KESSEL and MIKE KOMISAREK)
STEMPNIAK: Welcome again to another edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Once more, I am your host, NHL player Lee Stempniak. I’m joined here by my friends and two of the newer members of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Phil Kessel and Mike Komisarek. Thanks for coming out, you guys.
MIKE KOMISAREK: Thanks for, uh, having us, I guess.
PHIL KESSEL: WOWIE! 50 BUCKS to hang out with you and answer mail? Thanks Lee! Man, I’m gonna go buy Assassin’s Creed!
KOMISAREK: I dunno Phil, maybe Little Big Planet is more up your alley…
KESSEL: Why is that, Mike?
KOMISAREK: Well, it’s just that you’re….never mind.
STEMPNIAK: Jared in London asks “How do they get the caramel inside of the Caramilk bar?”
KESSEL: Man, that’s a hard one. But yanno, those Australians do some pretty crazy stuff, donchaknow. I dunno if their Caramilk is the same as our Caramilk.
KOMISAREK: Wait a second: Australians?
KESSEL: Well, yeah, isn’t he in London?
STEMPNIAK: That means he could be British. Or maybe he’s from Ontario, or any other place that has a city named “London.”
KOMISAREK: There are quite a few of those.
STEMPNIAK: I think they make the section with the…packets part, I guess you call it, then put in caramel, then put on a slab of chocolate.
KESSEL: “Packet parts”?
STEMPNIAK: Kinda like an ice cube tray, I guess?
KESSEL: So Caramilks are ice cube trays? Geez, you Canadians are weird.
KOMISAREK: Uh, I’m from Long Island.
STEMPNIAK: I’m from the Buffalo-ish area.
KESSEL: Close enough!
STEMPNIAK: Kessel, you’re from Wisconsin! You’re probably closer than either of us!
KESSEL: You’re still weird.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, Samantha from Denver wants to know “On a scale of 1-10, how hairy is Ian White?” I’d say….11.
KOMISAREK: Yes, 11. Dude sheds like a cat.
KESSEL: He’s like a…wolverine or something, he’s so fackin’ hairy.
STEMPNIAK: Next question is from Dave in Newbury who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, I’m writing to you because I think we’re in the same situation. I'm in a real personal pickle. I've always felt, well, a bit different from the other people I know and I think I may be bisexual. How can I come out to my really conservative parents?" Wait…how would I be in the same situation as this guy? I’m not—
KESSEL: What’s a bisexual? Does that mean he fucks bicycles?
KOMISAREK: Nah, it means he’s only gay on weekends.
KESSEL: I thought it meant that he was only gay when he was depressed?
STEMPNIAK: That makes absolutely no sense, Phil. Gay can also mean happy.
KOMISAREK: Well, this guy can’t be too happy—he’s asking Lee Stempniak for advice!
STEMPNIAK: No, you guys, being bisexual means that…you like the person for being them, not because they’re a man or a woman.
KESSEL: So you’re an equal opportunity humper?
KOMISAREK: Like Tila Tequila!
KESSEL: So all bisexuals are hot skanks?
STEMPNIAK: Well, no. It’s not like all straight chicks are hot, you know.
KOMISAREK: Wait….Lee, at the beginning of the letter, Dave says “I think we’re in the same situation.” Is there something you’re not telling us, Lee?
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I would know if I were bisexual.
KOMISAREK: I dunno, Lee, that’s not what it says on Talk Sports. Check it out, I got it on my Blackberry. Ahem: “I heard stemper was bicurious actually. Him and his friend Dan Shribman had a little bit of a thing. Dan was the recipient if that means anything.”
KESSEL: Uhh…wow, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: Dammit, that’s not true! Talk Sports is like Bleacher Report for puck bunnies!
KESSEL: Not that there’s anything wrong with you being, you know…
STEMPNIAK:…Except it’s not true.
KOMISAREK: Well Dave, here’s what you do: start by telling them you are attracted to Luke Schenn, ‘cause 99% of males admit to being attracted to him--the other 1% are lying. Then slowly work your way through slightly less attractive NHL players, movie stars, or band guys.
STEMPNIAK: I also heard of some people who come out by go on and on about their boyfriend or girlfriend and then switch pronouns. So, they’d be going on about “Oh, my girlfriend’s awesome, she’s got a great job and such and such, and by the way, her name’s Fred.”
KOMISAREK: But you gotta be brave to do that, don’t you?
STEMPNIAK: Oh yeah, but you just have to know your situation. You might want to find a friend who’s gay, lesbian or bi and ask them, or you can go online and get one of the forums for this kind of thing. Anyway, good luck, Dave!
KESSEL: This is what I love about this show, Lee. You can help people with anything--whether it's about coming out of the closet, what color is best for a prom dress, or where to get a good sandwich.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, Lee, about that…you said there would be sandwiches. All we got is some stale Triscuts with spray cheese on them
STEMPNIAK: ...and Hot pockets! Hot pockets are like sandwiches, but better
KOMISAREK: You only have ham and cheese. That’s like the Kmart of hot pockets.
STEMPNIAK: Well, I just need to stock up. It's been a while since I made a Costco run
KOMISAREK: I hate Costco. It’s always so busy, and I mean, who needs 10 gallons of chunky peanut butter? (KESSEL slowly raises his hand. KOMISAREK and STEMPNIAK give him odd looks.)
KESSEL: What? It's tasty and good on fruit!
KOMISAREK: So that’s why you always want to room with Grabovski. Geez, it must be like some sort of freaky fruit peanut butter buffet in there
KESSEL: Man, you don't want to know
STEMPNIAK: (Nervously) Haha bi-nanana! You guys get it? ‘Cause of—
KOMISAREK: Yes Lee, I get it.
KESSEL: I don’t.
KOMISAREK: Of course you don’t because you’re…never mind. Actually, I gotta go, um…I have laundry to fold. See you later, Lee, Phil. (KOMISAREK leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Later Mike!
KESSEL: Later! Maybe I should go too, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: You too? Don’t you want to answer some more letters, or have some more Hot Pockets? Hell, you want to come on a Costco run with me? You know, I could get more Hot Pockets, you could get more peanut butter…we could make a trip out of it.
KESSEL: Nah, I think I’m all set for now. Thanks anyway.
STEMPNIAK: Well, if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be a great buddy for you, Phil! See, even my cat Buttons likes you. Well, then again, he’s a stuffed cat, so he likes everybody...
KESSEL: Uh, yeah. Sure. One more thing though…PHILLLLL KESSSEEELLLL. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know about him, Buttons.