Czech Mates, part 2

Czech Mates Part 1



There are still no entries in the Slash fic Summer contest, so here is Czech Mates 2 to spark your creativity. As before, this is from Pavel Kubina's perspective.

I knew my chance to reach Tomas was getting smaller all of the time. At the end of the season, I knew I would be open game to be traded, and I wouldn’t see him except as an opponent. It made me sad and nervous that I only had maybe one more chance to talk to him before it was too late.

There was a Leafs end of the season party, and so I went. I put on some of my best clothes, and I even shaved. I triedto get myself excited and pumped up for the party. I thought “Tomas will have to notice me now.” But then I feltself-doubt creeping in. I thought, “What if he doesn’t laugh at my jokes? What if he’s not interested in me like I’minterested in him? I shouldn’t even go--I’ll just look like a fool anyway. Maybe I should just stay home and watch cartoons.” I stopped and looked in the mirror. “Pavel”, I said, “you’re a handsome man, you’re fun to be around, you work hard, you’re full of energy, and you’re all around a good guy. Who wouldn’t want you as a buddy? You’re going to go to that party and have a good time!”

The party wasn’t anything special--just the guys hanging out, having some drinks, telling stories about each other,Jason Blake trying to convince the rookies to do dumb stuff. In other words, the usual. I saw Tomas all alone in a corner, like he usually was. Even in his own house with his closest friends, he was still so shy. It was something Iliked about him--he never needed to show off or impress anyone. He at least made an effort to go to things like thiseven though I could tell he’d rather not. Maybe all he needed was a little help from the right person, a very close friend, and he could be more comfortable in himself....

I tried to talk to him as something deeper than teammate and “guy I know.” I really did try so very hard. But I stumbled and stuttered and he stumbled and stammered back. We ended up trading short, pleasant bits about theparty, how the weather was finally getting better and stupid stuff like that.

I went to get another drink in hopes that when I came back I would be bolder. and still I couldn’t talk to him like I wanted. I finally excused myself for “another drink” and asked my friend Matt Stajan for advice. I didn’t know if hecould be of any help, but anything he said had to be better than listening to my inner voice calling me an idiot. I explained my situation and Matt told me, “If you really want him to notice you, just grab his ass. It’s how we roll inMississauga.”
“Oh.” I said. All I could say was “oh.” I knew I couldn’t have enough courage to be so bold with Tomas. If anything,a move like that would scare him away. I thought that maybe if I sent him an email later, explaining how I felt, maybe if I could talk with him when it was just us, he could be a little more at ease. But part of me gave up that night, simply because I could never have the courage, no matter how much I wanted it.

I tried talking to Tomas one more time, and it was still awkward and hard. The night between us ended in a long hug.I could feel that Tomas wanted something but he also didn’t have the nerve to say something. I left empty handed and heavy hearted. I kept looking over my shoulder and thinking I could go back...but I know that was just my dumb heart talking and that maybe I should listen to my head instead.

Time to Say Goodbye: Tim Stapleton

Well Timmy, I wish I could have gotten to know you better. Unfortunately, I need to follow the Marlies closer. If you had only made a bigger impact on the Leafs, or I had only followed the Marlies better, I could have something to witre about. Alas, now is not the time.

Great moments in WWoLD:
Sorry, there's nothing here.

What I learned from Tim Stapleton:
...Timbits aren't just for breakfast any more?

Time to Say Goodbye: Pavel Kubina

I’ll admit it, when Pavel Kubina first came to the Leafs, I didn’t like him one bit. He seemed over priced,underperforming and he came from the Lightning, which I had a major grudge against for some reason for a while.However, after a season or two, he grew on me. ‘Twas a sneaky growth, not unlike a hobobeard /hobmop combination. I don’t know what it was about Kubina that swayed me--maybe it was his play getting better, maybe itwas the height, the Czechness, or the hobobeard.

Maybe it was his selfless spirit, which lead him to break so many sticks so that workers in stick factories would have more secure jobs and take dumb penalties from time to time just to keep refs awake. Part of me wonders if the stick breaking and dumb penalties weren’t part of some odd mental tic of his; a fear that if he didn’t do a small bad thing, someone would leave the ice on a stretcher or something.

What I learned from Pavel Kubina:
Czechs are damn sexy. Hobobeards can only be worn by those who can handle them.

Great accomplishments in WWoLD:
Kept the backyard barbecue at McCabe’s interesting...introduced us to the plot hole device...drove a tank with strippers in it...talked about his home town (and maybe has a relative who “fails at life”)...consumed a lot of vodka and vicodin...survived a night out with Sundin, McCabe, Tucker, and Kaberle--even the lesbian Sens bar...tried to be“best buddies” with Kaberle...showed us a softer side when Kaberle got into tequila...guested on the short lived“Antro and Poni awesome Show”...gave us all really good ideas for Halloween costumes...


So Pavel, have one last palacinky at Prague Fine Food Emporium for me before you get crunk in Hotlanta.

CONTEST! and other stuff

I figured I'd tie up some things here:

First off, Since the summer is really damn boring I am having a contest! It's the first ever Loser Domi's Slash Fic Summer! So get those twisted minds a-workin' on some NHL slashfic. Here are the rules:

1: You can keep it as tame or a saucy as you like.

2: It must involve at least one person with some sort of connection to hockey. This could be a player, a broadcaster, a writer or even a blogger. Perhaps you want to write about how players "relieve stress" while on the road? Maybe Pavel Kubina and Hugh Laurie get a little saucy at the International Hobo Beard convention? OR you want to figure out what Chemmy and PPP really do on their sexy vacations together? Go for it!

3: I'm putting a limit of 1000 words maximum per story.

4: (And this is crucial) Every entry MUST contain the following phrase: "'Oh' he/she/I said. All he/she/I could say was 'Oh'".

5: Email your entries to me at loserdomi@gmail.com with either "contest" or "LD, you are soooo cool and I have daydreamed about kissing you" in the subject line.

6: I don't really have prizes, but I could send you some old textbooks I don't need anymore, or some random crap I find cleaning.


Second thing, I will be doing a "time to say goodbye" type series for the players who leave the Leafs for free agency (hobobeard... :/). Just give me a bit to work them out.

Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3


WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing is...you douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.
END

An Apology to Matt "Mathew" Stajan

Part 4 of Year end awards is coming! I promise!

Dear Matt Stajan,

Look, I know here on the WWoLD, I've put you through some tough times. I've had you cry an awful lot and I even had you tasered. I know, I know, it just doesn't seem fair that I keep doing stuff like this to you, and I want to figure out why I keep doing it. I know it hurts.

But you know what else hurts? Knowing that one of the earliest Leafs players I got attached to (I'm a relatively new fan, so sue me) is probably going to be gone in a few weeks. It also hurts when your stick breaks, or you fall down. It hurts when you shy away from a hit because you're too pretty to check. It must hurt knowing that you'll end up withering and dying in a place like Edmonton or Atlanta or something in a package deal, but at least you'll have the other player(s) with you as travel buddies, right? RIGHT?

I'm just trying to numb the pain, buddy. I'm only trying to duck when the shit hits the fan.

Keep your stick on the ice!

Hugs and kisses,
Loser Domi

P.S.: We can still totally be Facebook friends, if you want. I'll send you bacon and invite you to find out which Tansformers Character you are or something.

Leafer Year End awards, part 3

Part1
Part 2


BLAKE: Well, we should put Kabbie somewhere he’ll be OK. You know, where we won’t step on him or anything.
KUBINA: That sounds like a good idea
BLAKE: Now, I can never remember: is it ok to draw on people ONLY if their shoes are off or on? He’s missing one shoe.
JOSEPH: Beats me. I’ve been drawing on passed out Jeff Finger for 15 minutes.
WILSON: But his shoes are still on!
JOSEPH: But his pants are off! I figure a lack of pants trumps shoes.
STAJAN: Wait...doesn’t Asher Roth say in that song “Don’t pass out with your shoes ON”?
WHITE: But that’s all he says. He doesn’t say anything about getting drawn on.
KUBINA: Besides, he is missing one shoe. Do we draw on only half of him?
BLAKE: Forget it. Let’s just tie him to this tree and steal his wallet or something (BLAKE and KUBINA drag KABERLE to a tree and go in search of tape or rope to tie him there.)

MITCHELL: Matty, how long are you going to wear that stupid mask?
STAJAN: I’m going to wear it as long as I need to. I need to protect myself. Plus, it makes me feel like I should be running around going “Na na na na na na na na na STAJAN!” or something.
WHITE: That would rock. You need a cape, though. (police car arrives, OFFICER PETERS gets out)
WILSON: Well, Officer...Peters. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER PETERS: We’ve gotten a report of a suspect in a convenience store robbery who may be in this area. We’re looking for a Caucasian male, blond, about 6 foot tall, athletic, and wearing a black leather cat mask..actually, he looked kind of like that guy (Points at STAJAN)
WHITE: But he’s been here the whole time.
MITCHELL: yeah, he’s been here all day--I could vouch for him.
OFFICER PETERS:Is that an open container?
STAJAN: We’re just hanging out, having some beer and stuff--
OFFICER PETERS: Sir! If you come any closer to me, I’ll be forced to tase you!
STAJAN: (as a joke) Don’t tase me, bro. Heh heh (OFFICER PETERS tases STAJAN, who falls on the ground screaming and cursing)
OFFICER PETERS: Recent legstaion states that we are legally allowed to taser anyone who says "Don't tase me bro." Well, everything looks inorder here. Have a good day (OFFICER PETERS leaves)
WHITE: Holy crap! Are you ok, Mat?
MITCHELL: GAH aahahahaha, you got your ass tased, Matty!
STAJAN: Dude, this isn’t funny!
MITCHELL: I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so fuckin hard!
STAJAN: Oh crap, look my hands. They’re shaking like crazy!
WHITE: I kinda wish I had some paint or some cocktails for you to shake up. (from nowhere, the song “Low” by Flo Rida starts)
WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTIN POGGE inside and parks on the lawn. They get out.)

What kind of crazy shenanigans could Pogge and Hollweg bring? Be sure to stay tuned to the same Domi station, some Domi channel.