Travels With Carlo: The Tribe of Treachery

(SCENE: COLAIACOVO, STEEN, WELLWOOD are in a small prop plane being flown by GUIDE (old British man) over what looks to be a remote grassy area)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, Carlo COlaiacovo once again and I’m on a trip to find a shaman or some sort of trainer to help me over come my nasty injury bug.

WELLWOOD: Uh, Carlo, who are you, uh, talking to?

STEEN: Is this like Candid Camera or something? Are we about to get punk’d?

COLAIACOVO: With me today are Kyle Wellwood, Alex Steen and our guide, um, I forgot your name…

GUIDE: Lloyd Elrick Mackerbottom: anthropological expert and amateur poodle groomer.

COLAIACOVO: So anyway, Lord Mackey says he knows this really remote African tribe that has, like, one of the top shamans in the world for resiliency charms, which is what I’m after. (GUIDE lands plane)

GUIDE: Now, this tribe is extremely remote and it has dwindled significantly. However, they remain a proud and noble race. As you leave the plane, just follow my lead (ALL exit plane)

COLAIACOVO: OW! Oh man, I hit my nose guys, I think it’s broken…or at least bleeding

10 minutes later…

GUIDE: It’s quite a good stroke of luck that my wife also flies this plane; as a result she keeps a good stock of tampons on board.

COLAIACOVO: Oh yeah, I feel tho lucky and blethed.

STEEN: Should you have a lisp with a broken nose?

COLAIACOVO: I thuthpect that I bit my tongue at the thame time ath breaking my nothe.

WELLWOOD: Hold on…if we’re in Africa, shouldn’t we have gotten a ton of shots before we left? And shouldn’t we have gotten visas and stuff like that for visiting foreign lands?

GUIDE: Well, my good boy, we’re going to an extremely remote part of Africa that hasn’t really been permanently settled yet.

WELLWOOD: That may be, but the entire continent has been carved up into countries, even the remote bits. Are we here illegally? And shouldn’t the trip have taken longer than 45 minutes?

GUIDE: Time zones, my good boy—it only felt like 45 minutes. Oh look, here is the tribe now (two men in “traditional African clothing” appear)

STEEN: The whole tribe is these two guys?

GUIDE:I told you their numbers have dwindled significantly (GUIDE and TRIBESMEN exchange gibberish-sounding dialogue) Ah yes, this one is called Ubuntu, and he is the shaman of the tribe. The other is named Mogwai and he is Ubuntu’s assistant.

UBUNTU: Huminahumina Barcalounger!

MOGWAI: Huminahumina Habeus Corpus!

GUIDE:They welcome you to their home, but before we can fully enter their territory, Ubuntu must assign each of you a sacred name.

UBUNTU (to WELLWOOD):Huminahumina…Gravytits!

COLAIACOVO: (laughing) Ah man, that ith THO funny! I’m tho calling you that from now on!

WELLWOOD: That’s just mean.

UBUNTU and MOGWAI: (excited gibberish at STEEN)

COLAIACOVO: What’d they thay?

GUIDE: Apparently your friend’s large nose means that this tribe regards him as a powerful medicine man himself. He is welcome to do as he pleases.

MOGWAI: huminahumina, mi casa es su casa!

STEEN:Really? Cool!

UBUNTU (at COLAIACOVO): Huminahumina…Born of Balsa Wood!

COLAIACOVO: Fair enough

WELLWOOD: What the—my shirt’s brown! It was white before!

COLAIACOVO: I thmell gravy.

STEEN: I dunno about you guys, but I just got a huge craving for KFC.

GUIDE: It looks like your nipples are leaking…gravy?

STEEN: Well, powerful shamans like us do have great powers of divination…I mean, your name is Gravytits.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that! It’s not funny!

COLAIACOVO: I’m laughing.

GUIDE: OK, now that we have all made our introductions, we can begin the healing ceremony. Alex, since you are the shaman representing us, you get to start

STEEN: Uh, what do I say?

COLAIACOVO: Try thomthing in Thwedish!

STEEN: OK, uh, humin humina…something in Swedish!

GUIDE: Alright then, Mogwai is going to fetch a small holy biscuit and you, Carlo, must eat your friend’s breast gravy off of it.

COLAIACOVO: Do you guys think that this counts as a homosexual experience?

WELLWOOD: Probably not, but I think this goes under “stuff that shall never, ever, ever be discussed again.” (UBUNTU and MOGWAI start laughing hysterically)

COLAIACOVO: What’s so funny?
UBUNTU: Ah man, I can’t keep it up anymore—we’re just FOOLING with ya, man! I mean, “Sacred ceremony” haha!
MOGWAI : “holy biscuit!” By the way, my name’s Leon, and he’s my buddy Francis.

STEEN: So I’m not really an all-powerful shaman? Well, crap.

COLAIACOVO: Wait a thecond; aren’t you that old Britih guy who chathed me out of your houthe when I wath doing the opening to “Travelth with Carlo”?

GUIDE: Alas, you have discovered my ruse. I rented a soundstage and hired some random yahoos to pose as African tribesmen to humiliate you.

WELLWOOD: It seems a bit intricate for simple revenge. But how did you make me squirt gravy like that?

GUIDE: I didn’t do that. I suppose you’re just a freak of nature.

COLAIACOVO: Ah thcrew it, let’th jutht get some donuth or thomething. Come on, Gravytith.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that!

COLAIACOVO: No way!