Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 3

Volume 1
Volume 2

Glove tap to Heather at wraparoundcurl for being co-conspirator in this.

(SECNE: BOSS calls SEAN AVERY into office)
BOSS: Sean, it seems the fine folks over at America’s Next Top Model are really impressed with your work here at Vogue. They want you to play guest “:celebrity” judge on an episode.
AVERY: So instead of making copies and fetching coffee, I’d just be staring at models?
BOSS: That’s what they’re asking.
AVERY: Well, it is hard work being an NHL superstar. I guess I could do it

(SEAN AVERY enters TYRA BANKS’s office)
TYRA BANKS: Hey you, could you get me a vente vanilla chai latte?
AVERY:Uh…excuse me?
BANKS: Well come on, grunt, the coffee won’t fetch itself!
AVERY: All right, listen bitch—I am Sean Mutha fuckin’ Avery. I’m a goddamn celebrity judge…thingy here
BANKS: Oh Sean, I’m so sorry—I didn’t recognize you. We were going to have Lauren Conrad do what you’ll be doing, but she had to stay home due to a “terrible outbreak of clap.” I asked her if she knew anybody else who could fill her place and your name came up. She says that during your LA days, you two were shopping buddies, plus she knows you from her brief stint as a hockey blogger.
AVERY: So…what is it I’m doing?
BANKS: Lauren said that when playing hockey you’re a good, uh, “instigator.” Now, what does that mean?
AVERY: Basically I try to get into people’s faces, stir them up, and antagonize them with pie—you know, that kinda stuff.
BANKS: You’ll be perfect as our “media correspondent.” After the producers narrow down the pool of girls five of six, we send them to an exotic location where they meet the media correspondent. The correspondent interviews the girls and makes them all insecure. Like insulting them and making them feel humiliated to see how well they can handle the "industry."
AVERY: So…I get to gawk at models and then insult them? Holy shitstick, that’s awesome. Actually, I have a suggestion—why not take the girls to Dallas as their “exotic location.” It’d totally shake them up, you know, get them used to the hectic lifestyle of modeling.
BANKS: Actually…I like that! Mess with their heads. Plus you know what they say, “everything’s bigger in Texas!” In fact, that’s such a great idea, I’ll give you one of my best beauty secrets—a jar of VASELINE!
AVERY: Thanks! I could use this to jack off to you tonight.
BANKS: What was that?
AVERY: A compliment.

(footage of five models—OKSANA, ANGELA, RAEVYN, JONELLE, and DENISE traveling to Dallas.)
OKSANA: (voiceover) It’s so exciting, you know, I started as a little girl who moved to America all the way from Ukraine and now I’m in the final five!
ANGELA: (voiceover) You know, I was excited when I found out I made it to the final five and got to some exotic location, but, Dallas? Seriously? I’m from here, I wanted to model so I could get out of Texas.
RAEVYNNE: (voiceover) I’m glad I got in the top five because that means there are only four stops between me and the title. I AM the next top model, bitches.
JONELLE: (voiceover) Eeeeeeeee! I’m so stoked I got here!
DENISE: (voiceover) It’s great being here ‘cause it’s, more down to the wire now, and, like, we’re the only five girls left, like, there aren’t any other girls.

(footage of AVERY with headphones on, listening to his “angry” music, and staring at a picture of Darcy Tucker)
AVERY (voice over): Well, I just gotta get prepared, you know, get in the right instigating mind set, remember the back info and stuff. I really have to prepare now since, after all, I am trying to find America’s next top cock knocker. I mean, it’s a big thing for me and these models. (actually spoken) Your momma is so nasty, her snatch is a class 3 wetland!

(SCENE: the next day, AVERY interviews the models individually, starting with OKSANA)

OKSANA: (happily)Hi, I’m Oksana
AVERY: Oksana, now that’s a beautiful name—unlike your face
OKSANA: (stunned) Wha—excuse me?
AVERY: Yeah, you don’t seem to have much natural talent for this job, but don’t worry—McDonald’s is always hiring
OKSANA: You’re just some goon. What would you know?
AVERY: : I know that top makes you look like a cow—big saggy tits, shortens the torso, your pedant looks like a bell—I should call in Ol’ Farmer Brown and tell him it’s milking time!
OKSANA: (Angrily) you now what? I’m out of here (Storms off)
AVERY: Remember, in Soviet Russia, cock knocks YOU!!

(ANGELA enters)
ANGELA: Hi, I’m Angela
AVERY: (friendly) Hello! Oh!—I have a message for you. José say she had a bit of a setback but the smack should still come in on time,
ANGELA: Wait, what?
AVERY: Oh nothing. No, would you address the rumors that your mother is so black, when she goes to night school teacher marks her absent?
ANGELA: That’s it, Imma cut you (removes switchblade from blouse and slashes at AVERY)
AVERY: Oh no! My short pants! (security comes in and hauls off ANGELA)

(JONELLE enters)
JONELLE: (bubbly) Hi are you the media guy?
AVERY: Indeed I am! You would be (looks at notes) Jonelle, right?
JONELLE: (hums Happy Birthday) Yes I am!
AVERY: oh, this’ll be fun. Jonelle, could you tell me why Communism fell In the Soviet Union?
JONELLE: Well, um, the Communists fell because they were not looking where they were walking and therefore they fell. (voiceover as they talk) You know, I didn’t really understand his questions and what they had to do with modeling and stuff, but I anserwed them anyway.
AVERY: So…you’re saying that if the Jews and the Muslims could just come together and worship Jesus, they’d stop fighting? OK, uh, nice unibrow you have
JONELLE: unibrow?
AVERY: Yeah, at one point I thought it was a caterpillar or something but it didn’t move. It probably came out of that huge nose of yours. If you’re not careful, it’ll crawl in and set up a cocoon or something (JONELLE runs off crying)

(DENISE enters)
AVERY: Ok, uh, how old are you?
DENISE: I’m 25.
AVERY: Get out of here, grandma! You and your saggy tits should go watch some “Matlock” reruns! (DENISE runs away crying)

RAEVYNNE: (voiceover) What most people don’t know is I’m a big hockey fan, so as soon as I saw the media guy was Sean Avery, I knew I had to step up my game.
AVERY: So, hi…what are you doing tonight?
RAEVYNNE: Your mom and your sister at the same time, dick snuggler.
AVERY: Oh, so you’re into threesome. I like that kind of thinkingRAEVYNNE: Yeah, whatever—to you a threesome is probably when you use both hands. Spooge suckers like you make me wish I could eat myself out so I wouldn’t have to bother. (TYRA BANKS enters)
BANKS: Sean, I think you might be a little too effective as media correspondent. Three of the girls have quit and one is currently in custody for assault with a deadly weapon.
RAEVYNNE: So wait, does that mean I won?
BANKS: (exasperated sigh) you have a terrible attitude and the industry will eat you alive, but by default, you win.
RAEVYNNE: Sweet! Default, motherfuckers!
AVERY: Yeah, you wanna go out and celebrate?
RAEVYNNE: Not with you cock knocker. You should feel honored to have the privilege to jack off to me tonight.
AVERY (voiceover): After meeting Raevynne, a female me, I’m just stunned. I kinda need some time to reflect, you know, play some Grand Theft Auto or something.