Sunday, January 20, 2008

Leafer Madness, Part 2

I decided to do the Leafer Madness on Sundays as well as Wednesdays. I'm also really busy these next two weeks with a play I'm in, school work etc., so I thought I'd throw this up, just to show I'm still around.

Disclaimers here

Part one here

(WADE BELAK, armed with a GPS unit, is walking through the jungle)

BELAK: How am I supposed to fight back with a GPS? I can see people coming at me, but what good does that do me once they see me? (he sees the back of McCABE, who is armed with a pistol of some sort)

McCABE: (muttering to self): They’re going to get me…can’t trust anyone. (BELAK throws his GPS with great force at McCABE’s head. He [McCABE] falls down unconscious.)

BELAK: Cool. It does work. (Takes pistol and walks away. McCABE slowly wakes up.)

McCABE: What the hell was that?

(On another part of the island, CHAD KILGER is hiding in what appears to be some sort of old building. He hears someone outside and nervously grabs a taser. TUCKER enters )

KILGER: Who is it? Who’s there!

TUCKER: It’s just me, Chad. Can I come in?

KILGER: o…ok…sorry (still shaking, he puts down the taser. TUCKER enters)

TUCKER: Is that your weapon?

KILGER: Yeah, it’s—it’s what they gave me. I know, it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

TUCKER: Whoa—Don’t tase me, bro! hehehheh. It’s not so bad (picks up the taser) I mean, you could really screw someone up with one of these, like if the guy has epilepsy or something like that.

KILGER: I don’t like that look in your eyes, Darcy…(KILGER attempts to escape into the building, but TUCKER manages to pin him down. TUCKER holds a sharp sickle at KILGER’s throat.)

TUCKER: You see, Chad, the sickle was the weapon that they gave me. I thought it kinda sucked, but the more I think about it, the more I think it’s pretty good. (He slits KILGER’S throat, takes the taser and walks off.)

(Inside an abandoned warehouse-type building on the island, TOMAS KABERLE is feverishly trying to plan some sort of attack on the “Battle Royale” headquarters. PAVEL KUBINA has appeared without explanation)

KABERLE: What the hell are you doing here? I don’t even like you.

KUBINA: I’m not sure how I got here. What did you get for a weapon? I got this little thingy that looks like an old calculator but with a crapload more buttons.

KABERLE: Keep it down a bit, will you? I think they’re listening to us with mikes in the collars. (KABERLE finds a pen and a piece of paper)

KUBINA: This is a bad time to be playing Pictionary, Kabs.

KABERLE: (written on paper) I am trying to figure out a way to attack or blow up the headquarters. I think that if I do that then they will have no way of controlling us and then we can get free.

KUBINA: (reading paper) You have terrible handwriting, Kabs.

KABERLE: (continues writing) Even though I don’t like you, you’re all the help I have. I need you to help me find the following items:

1: fertilizer (KUBINA stops reading)

KUBINA: Wait a minute—since when did I become your little minion carrying out orders? And why don’t we just speak Czech? They may not have a translator.

KABERLE: (out loud) That’s right, we can just speak Czech! I thought we just spoke English with funny accents. But…if I write it out then there won’t be the chance of a translator dropping in on us. (KUBINA pushes more buttons on his weapon. From seemingly thin air, three gorgeous female strippers enter, each carrying bottles of champagne and/or absinthe)

KUBINA: I don’t know what this machine is, but I like what it does.

KABERLE: Push some more buttons and see what else it does. (KUBINA does so and a tank materializes.)

KUBINA: This is the greatest thing ever invented.

KABERLE: I’m not sure, but I think that what you have is some sort of plot-hole generator. If you can get things and people in here, it must be able to get things out—specifically, us. We can get out of here unharmed!

KUBINA: To steal an expression, “who is we? You have a turd in your pocket?” These necklaces explode after three days, correct? I’m going to have some fun with this plot-hole machine before that. I now have strippers, booze and a tank at my fingertips and I plan on enjoying them. Come on, Kabs—this is the dream come true for like most of all men here. (to strippers) Do you ladies have anything to help my friend loosen up a bit?

KABERLE: But—you’re not caring about anyone but yourself!

KUBINA: And you have bushy eyebrows. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a “state the obvious contest.” I’m kind of competitive. (Grabs bottle of champagne from a stripper and climbs into the tank)

KABERLE: Do you know how to run a tank?

KUBINA: No, but there’s probably a manual here somewhere. Or, I’ll just do it the fun way—trial and error. I wonder what this button does—anyone want to see? (the strippers climb in with him. KUBINA pushes a button and the tank fires, blasting a hole in the wall and killing HAL GILL and WADE BELAK, who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. KUBINA drives the tank out of the hole that he has just made in the wall. KABELRE goes back to his plans.)

Eliminated: KILGER, BELAK, and GILL

17 more to go


Chemmy said...

I wasn't sure after the first segment, but now I'm definitely afraid of you.

Loser Domi said...

but now I'm definitely afraid of you.

Why? It's not like you're a Leafs player...are you? :P

Jaredoflondon said...

now I will never be able to see Chad Kilger again without picturing him yelling "DONT TASE ME BRO!"
People will be looking at me strange for years when I start giggling like Jason Spezza during Leaf games.

This is twisted enough to have been written by me, good work carry on!

Jaredoflondon said...

I mean Tucker. Goddamn, I have having a tough time with names lately.

Greener said...

I believe the winner will be John Pohl.

Loser Domi said...

@greener: he can't--he was one of the first ones eliminated:
BETTMAN: Before we begin, I’m going to need all of the players who have seen the film “Battle Royale” to step forward. (JOHNNY POHL, STAFFAN KRONWALL, CARLO COLAIACOVO, and BATES BATTAGLIA all step forward) Soldiers, dispose of them.

Thanks for stopping by, though!

Loser Domi said...

Nobody has anything to say about the plot hole machine?

Greener said...

Aha! John Pohl uses his weapon, the plot hole machine, goes forward in time, kills Nik Antropov, who was about to win, and says, "Thanks for stopping by, though!"

Jaredoflondon said...

Plot hole machines are awesome.
Inclusion of tanks, even more awesome.

Anonymous said...

I hadn't seen this and now I wonder if maybe I was better off before ;)

I await the third installment with bated breath.


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