Clearly, I Should Never Hold Contests

Howdy, Kittens. Remember that slashfic contest I had over the summer?
I learned a few things from it, such as sex scenes and fights are much harder to write than I thought they were, and that I really suck at running contests.

I only had one entry (the rest of the stories were ones I wrote), so your winner by default is.... (drumroll)

Garrett Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove!

Congrats, Garrett! Your entry of "Being Tomas Kaberle", a heart warming/heart breaking tale about everyone's favourite rosy-cheeked Czech is the winner!

For your prize....um....email a request of a scene and I will cartoon it. And mail it. My work of Matt Stajan on a unicorn was partially inspired by this piece, in fact.

Congratulations again to Garrett, winner by default (2 of the sweetest words in the English language)

Maple Leafs chat: Pot luck Party!

I want to thank Blindfolded Tank Driver for giving me the link that talked about the Leafs having team potlucks, which inspired this MLC

***Welcome to Garnet Exelby's House Chatroom!***
KomiKazi: Hey Ex, how’s it goin’? And I smell something really good here…
Mr. XLB: Ah, it’s my special chili!
KomiKazi: Well, what makes it special?
Mr. XLB: It’s the, um, the chili I make. That’s why it’s special.
KomiKazi: Sorry, man. It’s just that…after some time in Montreal, you learn there are just some places you don’t want to refer to something as “Special”, lemme tell you that.
Mr. XLB: Nah, I understand. What’s that you have?
KomiKazi: Uh, I brought…cups.
Mr. XLB:…
KomiKazi: AND napkins! Sorry, I’m not much of a cook. It was either bringing in cups and napkins or making my special Ramen dogs.
Mr. XLB: Ramen dogs?
Schenn_sational: They’re my favorite! You take hot dogs, and cook ‘em, then you take the ramen and boil it in the hot dog water and then you mix up the cut hot dogs and the Ramen and you put on hot dog stuff like ketchup and relish.
Mr. XLB: That…actually sounds kinda gross.
Shenn_sational: Oh. Well, I didn’t bring that, I brought in…uh…Coke. And Pepsi. And other drinking stuff.
DethKabs4QT: I brought my special Czech happy fun time cake! I hopes you all like it!
Mr. XLB: Holy crap, that’s a lot of butter!
DethKabs4QT: Butter is good for Czechs! It keeps us strong and healthy hair.
KesselRun81Parsecs: ‘Sup bros? Bras? Studs? Buddies?
DethKabs4QT: Who is that?
Schenn_sational: Uh, guy, I think you’re after the Lambda house party. That’s a few houses down—
Happy_Trails: No Luke, he’s not just some random frat boy. It’s Phil Kessel! Come on in, Phil!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, man. I know I’m kinda inviting myself over, but I figured I should get to know you guys some. I even made brownies for you guys!
Mr. XLB: Well, thanks, Phil.
KesselRun81Parsecs: I know, I know it was supposed to be defensemen makin’ shit, but I was all, “Man, if I’m new here, I gotta make a good first impression. Dress up n shit.”
DethKabs4QT: Did you…what is English word…for the thing and the collar?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, you better believe this collar’s popped!
Happy_Trails: Phil, only retards pop their collar. You look like a dog who got stitches and they have to put those cone things to keep them from eating it.
Mr. XLB: Whatever guys, chili’s done! Let’s eat!

***Several hours later….***

Schenn_sational: Man, ex, that was some good chili!
Mr. XLB: Thanks, Luke! I, uh….forgot what I was talking about.
DethKabs4QT: Phil, those were such great brownies. Thank you for bringing them.
KesselRun81Parsecs: No prob, brah. It’s some of my best stuff.
Happy_Trails: We do need to get you some better clothes, though. You should hang out with Toskala or something.
KomiKazi: Dude, or me. It’d be like “What not to Wear” except that chick you wanna punch in the lady bits won’t be there.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Toskala? Is he that goal guy who’s all ‘Laaike, I’m Vesa Toskala. I play Finnish goalie guy for hockey Leafs’?
Schenn_sational: Heeheehehee, you sound just like him. Frickin’ hilarious, man!
DethKabs4QT: Guys, why are we the only ones here?
Mr. XLB: Oh crap…I think I thought the pot luck day was today. It’s next weekend. Balls, man!
Schenn_sational: I dunno why, but I can’t stop giggling.
DethKabs4QT: You guys ever just, like, look at your hands? Like, LOOK at them?
Mr. XLB: DUDE! If you look at mine right, you see a sailboat!
Schenn_sational: I see a schooner.
KomiKazi: It’s a sailboat, dumbass!
Schenn_sational: A schooner IS a kind of sailboat!

A Player’s Perspective: Luke Schenn

You guys thought I was done with these, didn’t you? Suckers. I just got distracted and had trouble finding suitable targets. Here’s more typical fanfic rewritten from a player’s perspective, this time starring Luke Schenn.

The offseason is rough on a man, especially a man fresh off his rookie year. At first you think, “OK, cool, I can relax a bit”, but NO. The phrase “sophomore slump” comes into your mind and people start talking about “flukes” and “one-trick ponies.” It gets old. And you can work out and train only so much—you end up needing a break.

I went to the mall one day after my morning workout. I thought it’d be a nice change of pace, and I heard there was a sale on socks. You can never have too many socks, you know, so you can always throw away the ones with holes. As I was walking by the food court, I saw a girl with one of those platters from the fine cheese and sausage place. She was probably late teens, tall, dark black hair, really cute, and not a trace of a secret meth addiction on her. Something told me she was probably a genius, a terrific cook and would be one of those girls who are so perfect you can’t believe you actually found her. She said, “Hi, I’m Erica. Would you like to try some of our new teriyaki sausage?”

I always like free stuff, so I said “Why, sure!” As I took a mini-wiener on a toothpick, my eyes met her deep violet eyes. I had always heard of people with violet eyes, but I never knew that they were real. Within a second, we were in love.

That is…we were in love until her knees buckled a pink and purple puddle appeared on her shoes. “OH my God! My panties just melted!”

I blushed and looked away from her. I always hated when this happened—it’s so embarrassing for both of us and anyone else watching. “Oh Gosh” I stammered “I…I’m so sorry. I forget that happens sometimes. Here’s some money for a replacement pair. It’s the least I could do. I’m so sorry. I hope you forgive me.” I gave her money without looking into her gorgeous eyes again so she wouldn’t get pregnant. Normally, pregnancy wasn’t a problem, but I had used up all my titanium condoms the night before and I didn’t want to take the risk. I hurried away into one of the stores, leaving her behind.

I bought my extra socks and some other stuff I needed without incident. I stopped at the food court for lunch (I know, it’s terrible for you, but one slip-up every now and then won’t kill you.) I took a sip of the bottled water I got and I tasted...beer. It was the best beer I had ever tasted, it was everything anyone could ever want in a beer, but I thought I had gotten water. I went to the counter and said to the serer guy, “Um, excuse me, this may sound kind of weird, but I ordered water and somehow it turned into beer. Don’t get me wrong—it’s really good beer—but it’s just...weird, is all.”

“Look buddy”, said the server guy, “We don’t even sell beer here. That bottle’s clearly marked ‘Mountain spring water.’” I offered him a sip to prove I wasn’t just pulling his leg and he said “Wow…that’s damn good beer! I wonder how you managed this….and what’s this plaid puddle on the floor ?”

“Never mind”, I sighed. I threw a ten on the counter to cover a replacement pair and walked away without saying anything else.

I got home and thought about the girl at the sausage shop and the server guy. There had to be a way I could stop melting stranger’s underwear. Then I thought, “Hey, what if I wore really dark sunglasses? Sure, I’d look like a total douchebag, but it would save so much embarrassment, not to mention money for replacement pairs.” I put on my sunglasses and thought, “Man, give me a blonde wig and a leotard and I could be Lady Gaga.” Then I felt a trickle of some liquid down my pants. A puddle that was the same color and pattern as the boxers I had on that morning appeared.

“Well, crap.” I sighed.

More Bloggin' Nubbin' Rubbins

I return! Moving was fine, but now I just gotta work on the job thingy…

I found out that, according to Sitemeter, most of my visits come from 3 sources: Pension Plan Puppets, Down Goes Brown, and Maple Leafs Hot Stove. I thought that, perhaps my days of crazy search results that bring people to this site were over.

Oh Internet, will you ever cease to prove me wrong? Here’s another round of crazy webseraches that bring people.

“how to domi curl your hair”
Uh…how do you domi curl? Is that like a jerri curl, but on the other side?

(Italian Google) “cock inside shoes”
Oh, you crazy Eye-talians!

Jules Winnfield bobblehead
That’s a bobblehead you don’t fuck around with like a bitch.

Loser domi mabel
This lead to a collection of LOL’d Tlusty pics. In other words, may be NSFW.

Hugh Laurie fics
HOBOBEARDS!

Die hard slash fiction
Well, yippe-ki-yay, mother fucker. (suggestive eyebrows)

(From Google.ae ) wounderful fuking and suking in the world
…I’m not even touching that

Wendelful you
I’m not that wendelful—I have yet to punch out anyone’s blood

(French google search) Bisex jared team fuck blog
That sounds like some anime where they have a team of robots that have to defeat some evil force of robots. Only, instead of actual fighting, they have orgies until the evil guys are humped into submission by the good robots jazzing lasers. In other words, it sounds AWESOME and like something I’d love to see.

Chickfighting loser sucks cock
…I’ll let you guys handle that one.

going dark, yet again

I'll be going dark for yet another time for a week or so. I'll be moving this weekend, and until then I'll have to spend time packing (in addition to normal working.)

At least I'm gettign lazy now and not in November, when stuff matters.

Ask Lee Stempniak! Too Hot for TV

LEE STEMPNIAK:Hi folks, and welcome to another edition of Ask Lee Stempniak! Today my guests are fellow ice hockey players of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Luke Schenn and Matt Stajan. Welcome to the show, guys.
LUKE SCHENN:Thanks Lee, it's great to be here.
MATT STAJAN: It's great to help you lose 50 bucks, Lee.
SCHENN: 50 bucks? You said you were gonna give me 40...
STEMPNIAK: Haha, not now guys. After the show we can talk about money. Our first question comes to us from Kristen in Hamilton who asks "Dear Lee Stempniak, do you think Jiri Tlusty deserves a shot with the Leafs in the 2009-2010 season?"
STAJAN: (stifled giggle) Tlusty? Well, he certainly is a well-groomed player, if you know what I mean!
SCHENN: Yeah, he can handle his stick well, if you know what I mean!
STEMPNIAK: HA ha! He can really photograph his penis and post it on Facebook, if you know what I mean!
STAJAN:...
SCHENN:...
STEMPNIAK: I'm not doing this right, am I?
STAJAN: Not really.
SCHENN: I'd call that a minor to medium fail.
STEMPNIAK: Well Kristen, I'd say Tlusty has good scoring potential, but he needs some polishing up with the minors. He's still a bit rough around the edges and needs better finesse and a softer touch, which can only come with experience. He's still quick to shoot and panic, and he needs to learn to pace his movements and enjoy himself better. Thoughts, fellas?
STAJAN: That...is what she said!
SCHENN: Man, I don't care if he wins 12 Stanley Cups and scores a billion goals. Those naked wang pics will follow him forever.
STAJAN: Poor guy. I'd almost feel sorry for him if it wasn't so damn funny. Almost.
STEMPNIAK: So...our second question comes to us from Eric in Portland, who asks, "If Matt Stajan's eyes make you want to fuck him, and Luke Schenn's eyes impregnate you and melt your underwear, what happens if they look at each other or into a mirror?"
STAJAN: That is a good question. We could test that out right now, if you want.
SCHENN: I don't know, Matt...
STEMPNIAK: Don't worry, Luke. It's not like anyone can get pregnant here. We're among men. It's all safe, don't worry. But if you do, could you try to smell Matt's hair a bit? (SCHENN and STAJAN look deep into each other's eyes. There is a small explosion and a lot of smoke)
STAJAN: What happened?
SCHENN: I dunno, but I feel really good right now.
STEMPNIAK: Did we all just get laid?
STAJAN: I dunno, but I really need something to drink and a sandwich.
SCHENN:I don't think I can even move after that...but in a good way.
STEMPNIAK: Should we check for undergarments? (they check) Yep, mine are gone.
STAJAN: Same here.
SCHENN: Damn, that was a good pair, too.
STEMPNIAK: Does anyone else here feel like they need a smoke?
STAJAN:I haven't smoked so much as a puff in my life, but that sounds like a good idea.
SCHENN: Guys, I have to ask...does this mean that, technically, we're gay?
STEMPNIAK: I think this might be kinda like if we jacked off in front of each other. There are gay undertones, but we could still give blood in Quebec.
SCHENN: Well, not that there's anything wrong with that--
STEMPNIAK: I have a mirror here. We could see what happens with that.
SCHENN: I dunno if I want to even try it. I don't think I have it in me. What do you think, Matty?
STAJAN: (snoring)
STEMPNIAK:MATT!
STAJAN: Wha? Huh? I'm up.
STEMPNIAK: How could you fall asleep? Don't you care about anyone else's feelings?
STAJAN: I didn't think I was asleep... But jeez, maybe I should go home and have a long nap. See you guys! (leaves)
SCHENN: Yeah, it's getting kinda late, Lee. I should go--
STEMPNIAK:It's 3:30 in the afternoon, Luke.
SCHENN: Well, I'm still on Saskatchewan time, I guess. I should get some lunch. (Leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs, looks sadly at toy cat) Why don't they ever stay, Buttons?

Maple Leafs Chat: 400 BABIES!

***Welcome to Luke Schenn's Apartment!***

Schenn_Sational:Mmmm...what a great breakfast! Five dozen eggs, two pounds of bacon, six boxes of waffles and a gallon of orange juice always hits the spot.
***Jenna_Barfly has entered the chat room!***
Jenna_Barfly:You probably don't remember me, you pig, but--
Schenn_Sational: Lemme think....Jenna, accountant, and we met like a few months ago at the bar?
Jenna_Barfly: Wow...I, Uh...wasn't expecting that. Anyway...I was at the doctor's and it rurns out I'm pregnant!
Schenn_Sational: Pregnant?! But...that's not possible! We didn't have sex! We chatted a bit, had a drink or two, but...hell, I passed Grade 10 biology!
Jenna_Barfly: I don't know how, but I have here the official form saying I am indeed carrying your children.
Schenn_Sational: Let's see here..."Diagnosis: Patient is pregnant with 400 SCHENN BABIES"! But you...you can't carry 400 babies! You'd explode! You'd be like those people who are 700 pounds and they have to cut open the house to get them out.
Jenna_Barfly: Look, I don't know how it's possible, but that's what the doc told me. She even got in 3 other doctors and I peed on dozens of sticks and each one said the same thing: you're gonna be the first ever daddy of quadricentuplets.
Schenn_Sational:Any chance I could make some calls, get some advice and stuff? You can, uh...just sit on the couch there if you like.
Jenna_Barfly: Well, I could use a nap. Carrying 400 babies is kinda tiring. But remember: I'm a light sleeper and if you try to run off, I'll cut off your balls.
Schenn_Sational: I'll just be in the next room, then.
***The next room***
Schenn_Sational: Holy Crap! I hardly touched her! Who to call, who to call? This can't be happening, it's impossible! Inconcieveable!
***Schenn_sational has called A_Brayden_Grace!***
A_Brayden_Grace: Luuuuke! How's it going, bro?
Schenn_Sational: Not good, Brayden. This girl, Jenna, just came over and said she's pregnant with 400 of my babies!
A_Brayden_Grace: Ahhhw ha, man! Perfect Luke went and knocked up some random broad! I never thought I'd see the day!
Schenn_Sational: But what do I do? I didn't even have sex with her and the docs say she's definitely preggers.
A_Brayden_Grace: I dunno...do a reality show! "Jenna and Luke Plus 400...oops"
Schenn_Sational:Well, thanks anyway.
A_Brayden_Grace: Wait, you said you hardly touched her, and she's still pregnant?
Schenn_Sational: That's what her, a team of doctors and a dozen peed-on sticks say.
A_Brayden_Grace:...Do you think that's a Schenn thing? If so...Shit, I got some girls I have to call. Later, Luke.
Schenn_Sational: Later.
***A_Brayden_Grace has left the connection***
Schenn_Sational:Who else could help me? Coach Wilson? Well, it couldn't hurt...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
I_Ron_Butterfly: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Schenn_Sational: Coach, I got a problem. I'm expecting babies.
I_Ron_Butterfly: Jebus H. Chirst on a pogostick, Luke. First Stajan gets hit in the face with a soccer ball, White sprains his mustache, Grabovski is making friends with Habs, now you're pregnant! Sweet merciful crap, this team is soft!
Schenn_Sational: No, I'm not pregnant. The girl's got 400 of my babies in her right now!
I_Ron_Butterfly: You knocked up 400 broads?! I know you're young Luke, but there's something to be said for having a night off! And if I were you, I'd be off to the clinic to have some tests done!
Schenn_Sational: No, Ron. It's one girl. 400 babies. From my sperm.
I_Ron_Butterfly: GODAMMIT LUKE QUIT MAKING SHIT UP! Call me when you have a real problem, like you hurt your elbow playing Guitar Hero, or you break your foot playing indoor soccer!
***I_Ron_Butterfly has ended the connection***
Schenn_Sational: well...when all else fails...
***Schenn_sational has called I_Ron_Butterfly!***
Mama_Schenn:Luke! Honey, how are you? I miss you so much, baby.
Schenn_Sational: Mom, I need advice. There's a girl and she says she's pregnant and....I'm the daddy of her 400 babies.
Mama_Schenn: Oh, how wonderful! I'm gonna be a grandma!
Schenn_Sational: Mom, it's 400 babies! How am I gonna take care of 400 babies? I don't even know how I'd name them. I'd have to put in eartags like they do with cattle.
Mama_Schenn: Luke, honey, don't worry. Schenn babies are self-sustaining.
Schenn_Sational:Really?
Mama_Schenn: Why yes...I remember when you came out, you had a little stick and a pair of skates on. You body checked the doctor before he could even cut the cord.
Schenn_Sational: But 400 babies...mom, is that a normal Schenn thing? That shouldn't even be possible!
Mama_Schenn: Luke, why do you think your dad and I waited between your brother and your sister? A woman can only handle so much.
Schenn_Sational: So you're saying...I might have several hundred siblings who are also awesome?
Mama_Schenn: ...
Schenn_Sational: Mom?
Mama_Schenn: OH...I think I have a roast in the oven that needs to come out NOW. Love you honey!
Schenn_Sational:...Never mind.