An Open Letter to the Random Leaf on the Maple Leafs website

(UPDATE: DAMMIT, SCHENN)
I know I've seen you on the Maple Leafs website before, but you still bug me:

WHO ARE YOU, RANDOM LEAF? I think I have seen you identified as "Luke Schenn", but it just can't be. Look at that haircut. I'd expect that from someone like Rickard Wallin or maybe Nikolai Kulemin, but not Luke Schenn. Luke would never get such an emo haircut. And look at that soul patch! The Leafs have not seen a soul patch worth mentioning since the days of Trevor Kidd (and even then it was more along the lines of "the hell is on his face?")

And what the HELL are you trying to prove, stick behind your head, eyes half open. Are you trying to challenge me to a fight, or hit on me? I don't understand you, random Leaf, but maybe that's for the best. Maybe it's better that I don't understand a man who makes his chin look like a porn star's pubic mound.

See you in September,

LD