Since it's a leap year day today, I feel like I should do something for it, but I don't have anything. Instead, this week's FYY is all about reactions to the trade deadline action
Reaction one: Kool and the Gang tells us how to do it:
Reaction two: "Fire Water Burn" From Bloodhound Gang. Lots of Leafs fans have been singing this one for months now:
Reaction three: clips from "Happy Gilmore"
Friday, February 29, 2008
Since it's a leap year day today, I feel like I should do something for it, but I don't have anything. Instead, this week's FYY is all about reactions to the trade deadline action
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
SCENE: BELL is lying in a tree in wait with grenades, a crossbow and his original gun.
BELL: Come out, come out, wherever you are… (KABERLE and COLAIACOVO enter his field of vision. BELL throws two grenades at the pair. They land and explode. KABERLE somehow escapes the blast, but COLAIACOVO does not. DEATH appears)
DEATH: I HAVE COME FOR—AH, Christ, it’s you again!
COLAIACOVO: I challenge you to Candyland, motherfucker!
DEATH: Another one with the Candyland…fine, I’ll do it. (They are transported to a rocky beach where there is a Candyland board set up They sit down and start playing.)
COLAIACOVO: So…I had a friend who was playing you at Risk. How did he do?
DEATH: He put up a good fight, but he fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous—never get involved in a land war in Asia.
COLAIACOVO: Oh. Ok.
DEATH: Your other friend, Andy, who challenged me to Candyland, he seemed…oh, what’s the word?
COLAIACOVO: Not just slow, but slooooooow, you know what I mean? Woz was “special” to me—but not in a gay way. He was…“special” as in riding the short bus, licking windows, kinda special. I mean, this one time, I saw him stopped at a stop sign, and he waited for, like, twenty minutes.
DEATH: What was he waiting for?
COLAIACOVO: He was waiting for it to say “Go” [note: something similar to this happened to a friend and me once, and it was hilarious, but in our defence, we were stoned at the time.]
DEATH: Wow. That is rather slow. It’s slower than Molasses Swamp, where you’ve just ended up.
COLAIACOVO: Aw, sonovabitch.
DEATH: And it appears, Carlo, that I have drawn the purple square
COLAIACOVO: Dammit. I knew I should have picked Battleship.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
(NOTE: I tried to post this as a diary over at Pension Plan Puppets, but for some reason that site has never liked my account. Instead I' posting this over here)
With condolences to PPP, I figured I'd put up a game preview type-thingy for tonight against the Thrashers.
Look, I'll be honest--I've never done this, and I know that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. That being said...wait a minute--not knowing what I'm talking about doesn't really separate me from lots of other media-types, does it? HOWEVEAH, the show must go on.
Hot sexxy Leafs to watch (yeah, totally stolen from Four Habs Fans, but it's the best I could do):
*Alex Steen just signed to a $3.4-million, two-year contract extension Job security could have him feeling pretty groovy.
*Mats Sundin--look, with all the trading rumo(u)rs going around, he's probably so annoyed and stressed out, he's ready to choke a bitch
sexy HOTLANTA Thrashers to watch:
*Ilya Kovalchuk--it's always Kovalchuk to watch
*Tobias Enstrom--leads his team in assists
So, leave your SPG units and whatever else you wish in the comments
Loser domi SPG:
goal: STAJAN !!
Also, olbigatory Lil' John video. I also feel lonely and need someone to talk to sometimes:
Thursday, February 21, 2008
That's right, everyone: in between reading about prostitutes, I'm also listening to the Leafs game and...mailing in the FYY.
This week's theme is Hockey having Fun with the Press
Thanks to HLOG, I stumbled upon the audio diaries of Evgeni Malkin and have been giggling and spouting "PEPPER!" as a result. Here’s the one where he talks about his car commercial. I thought Malkin was the best acting one—he conveys such power and strength without saying a word. The audio is here.
This one is just classic: Ovie gets a pie in the face. His reaction is coddamn priceless. I heard someone compare him to a Cirque du Soleil person, which strangely fits.
This third clip is a great oldie from Brendan Shanahan. The subtitles just add to it and make it even better:
(Photo credit: Claus Andersen/Getty Images stolen from Yahoo!)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
...will be postponed until next week due to midterms, other projects and a whole bunch of other crap. Sorry guys. Feel free to let me have it in the comments, or post your predictions for the winners. To make it up to you, here are some more LoLeafs (original pics stolen, as usual, from Yahoo sports)
and I'm really, really sorry for this one but it had to be made:
Monday, February 18, 2008
No reason for this post except we're studying the origins of World War Two in my history class. As a result I've had this stuck in my head for 2 weeks, and I felt the need to spread it to you guys.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
So, in between midterms, settling stuff with next year's roomie (woohoo!) and whatnot, the next few weeks are going to be a bit busy. I do intend to update, but they'll be lazy ones.
Today I present something I started in the comments section of this Melt Your Face Off post. All I know is it was hella fun and I feel as if I should reproduce it here for all of you. I present hockey themed porno names! (feel free to throw in your own sugestions)
from me (2 different posts):
Light My Lamp
Ride my Zamboni
Wax my Stick
Pine Riders Gone WILD!
Wood is Good
Fucking like Puckbunnies
In Her Crease
Too Many Men
Knob Gobblers 14 Hosted by Sean Avery
My First Five Hole
TimBIts ain’t just for Breakfast Anymore
Stoppage: Hand Pass
[Team a] Sucks, [Team B] Swallows
Czech me out! Hosted by Jiri Tlusty
from lenoceur :
Two Minutes in the Sin Bin
After Her First Period
Five on Three Action
Putting Biscuits in the Basket
Deep Throat 6: Moose Jaw
from Weed Against Speed :
Assume the Butterfly Position 8: Between the Pipes
Scat Games 27: Dump and Chase
Tiny Asians with Tiny Snatches 12: Neutral Zone Trap
Two Minutes For Hooking
Friday, February 15, 2008
I'll be honest, this Friday kinda snuck up on me. So there really isn't a theme again (sorry)
Clip one: I think we all know a player or two who looks and acts like one of these goats:
clip two: Even though he's for the Rangers, Bobby Granger ads are always fun. In this one, Jaromir "springtime" Jagr tries to teach him some more Czech:
Clip three: one of those Celebrity Jeopardy skits from Saturday Night Live redone with hockey players. It's still good! It's still good!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
There’s a poster outside of the Tim Horton’s here on campus. I’d put up a picture, but my computer is acting really wonky. Instead, I’ll describe it: Sidney Crosby is standing surrounded by about half a rink’s worth of TimBits. Not the donuts, but the little hockey players. For some reason, this poster creeps me out. Then, I got to thinking about a site I saw a while back: http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/ . I decided to see how I think Sidney would do.
What's your body type? Sidney’s a pro hockey player, so I choose Athletic.
How's your reach of your arms?
From the pictures I can see, his arms aren’t overly long or short, so I pick average
Which best describes your sense of balance
He seems to have pretty good balance to me, even though he goes down a lot (hehehehe). I pick average for this as well
How high can you kick?
I’ve seen some pretty good footwork from Sidney the Kidney. I’ll say more than three.
How tall are you?
According to yahoo, he’s 5’11”. According to Wikipedia, the average height for a man 18-24 in Canada is… 5' 10.9". So average height.
How old are you?
Do you have any martial arts experience?
Not that I know of…
In your lifetime, how many fights have you been in?
Well, there was this one time…
Do you have any experience fighting swarms, such as being chased by a bunch of pissed-off bees or playing starcraft against the Zerg?
Does running from crazed puckbunnies count? I reluctantly answer yes to this one.
Have you ever been trampled? (by a horse, at a rock concert, etc)
I’m just going to assume no on this one.
If desperate in a fight, would you resort to biting and/or eye-gouging? (Do you fight dirty?)
Somehow I doubt this, but then again, this is purely hypothetical. I’ll say maybe.
How would you feel about the fact that you're fighting a bunch of kids?
1: This is so wrong - these are children for pete's sake. I don't think I could fight them, even in self defense.
2: I'll do what I have to and fight just hard enough to win
3: To hell with morality, I'd be too busy pile-driving, crane-kicking, and bare-knuckle bashing them all the way back to kindergarten
I think he’d start out all moral and what-not, but by the end he’d start panicking and forget who he is. I’ll choose the deuce in that case.
During the fight, would you feel morally comfortable picking up a child and using him/her as a weapon to throw at other children?
I’m not sure if he’d even think of that…so no
The score for Sidney Crosby is…
Now for comparison, I filled it out for me. Keep the following in mind: I’m skinny, average height (like 5’5”ish), nonathletic, the same age as Sid, but crazy. What I got was…
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Part 6 (At the “
(At the “
MINON: There are only 4 players left, Mr. Bettman.
BETTMAN: Excellent (Tents fingers) I don’t I like that Cloa—Colackackacka—that Carlo kid. He doesn’t seem to want to die.
MINON: Yes, sir. He’s certainly a pain in our ass, sir. He’s come back form the dead three times in two days.
BETTMAN: If only I could know passion like that… (Shakes off emotionalism) So, ahem—
MINON: What the—the screen is showing there’s another player on the island.
(The section of the island where WOZNIEWSKI died, KABERLE and COLAIACOVO discover the body, which is twitching with life.)
WOZNIEWSKI:…oww….so. Much. PAIN…
COLAIACOVO: What the—you’re alive, Woz?
KABERLE: But you look like you went through three bear traps and a land mine. How are you alive?
WOZNIEWSKI: Well, let me tell you… (Flashback music)
(In the forest of the island, WOZNIEWSKI, armed with a hatchet, is wandering alone) WOZNIEWSKI: Helloooo? Helllooo! (He steps and lands his left foot in a bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out blood-curdling screams. He steps again, dragging his foot still in the bear trap. He manages a few steps and lands his right foot in another bear trap. WOZNIEWSKI lets out even more blood curdling screams. He continues crawling, dragging himself on his hands. Somehow, he finds a third bear trap with his right hand) WOZNIEWSKI: CHIRSTONAPOGO-STICK THIS HURTS! *lets out screams of terrible pain* (at this point he continues moving, dragging himself by his left hand. He continues like this for a short while, until his right hand falls on a land mine, which promptly goes off and finally kills him.)
DEATH: Are you the one known as Andy Wozniewski?
WOZNIEWSKI: Yeah. Um, is this about the hedge?
DEATH: I am the one your culture knows as DEATH
WOZNIEWSKI: But I don’t even have a hedge
DEATH: I have come for your soul—wait a second—according to my chart here, you no longer have a soul. It says you sold it to play in the NHL. Was it at least a worthwhile investment? You know—getting lots of Cups, people’s respect, girls showing you their boobs, the whole thing?
WOZNIEWSKI: I…uh...wait, I get to challenge you to a game, right?
DEATH: You’re avoiding my question, but yes you can challenge me to a game. You may choose any game ever created in the history of mankind. If you win, you can live.
WOZNIEWSKI: I choose a game that I know how to play, one that I can win at. One I don’t need to be smart or skilled to do. I choose…CANDYLAND!
WOZNIEWSKI: And a purple square later, here I am. But I don’t have my limbs back. Death is a sore loser like that. And oh, last I knew, Kyle Wellwood is playing Death at Risk, so don’t be surprised if you see him around here.
(in Underworld) WELLWOOD: OK, so Scandinavia is attacking
DEATH: Are you sure you want
GHOST OF PONIKAROVSKY: Ukraiiine nootttt weeeaak!
(Back on the island, COLAIACOVO chainsaws WOZNIEWSKI, killing him)
KABERLE: *gasps in shock and horror* CARLO! How could you do that?
COLAIACOVO: Oops, My finger must’ve slipped.
Monday, February 11, 2008
(JFJ is home alone watching “The Price is Right and playing the accompanying drinking game At this point, he’s pretty smashed. )
(on TV) DREW CAREY: Now you’ll have to place your bids on the Encylcopedia Britannica set. The contestant that bids the closest to the actual retail price without going over wins. Jerry, we’ll start with you
CONTESTANT 2: 950
CONTESTANT 3: 951
CONTESTANT 4:One dollar!
JFJ: I HATE you, one dollar lady! That’s the third time you’ve done that this game—is it working for you? Christ I’m so depressed. At least maybe TV will take my mind off of what’s wrong.
DREW CAREY: So Charlene, you’re up on the Price is Right stage, let’s see what you’re playing for…
ANNOUNCER:…A trip to lovely TORONTO! You and a guest will fly…
JFJ: Lovely my ass! Holy shit….how’d I burn through all these bottles of liquor so quick? I aughta return all them and get some beer money. No wait—maybe I should go out for smokes. Do I even smoke? Oh well, I’ll figure it out on the way to get them. (JFJ leaves his place and is now walking around Toronto with a bottle of whiskey in each hand. He eventually arrives at a house that, unbeknownst to JFJ, belongs to BRYAN McCABE.)
JFJ: SUNDIN! Get out here, you donkey licking cocksucker! I gotta talk to ya! I promise I ain’t gonna hurt you that much. (Takes a swig our of a whiskey bottle, then unzips pants and proceeds to urinate on the lawn.)
LADY McCABE: What’s all that racket outside?
BRYAN McCABE: (looks out window) Oh, it’s just a drunk man yelling obscenities and urinating on our lawn.
LADY McCABE: Again? I thought Jeff O’Neill retired.
BRYAN McCABE: He did…I’m going to go see if I can talk to the guy (leaves the house)
JFJ: SUNDIN! Mats my man, come on over here so I can punch you in the face you damn dirty douchlenozzling twatwaffle
BRYAN McCABE: I’m not Mats Sundin, I’m Bryan McCabe
JFJ: Mats, you got a nice head of hair back on you. I thought you were a blond, though…
BRYAN McCABE: Like I said, I’m Bryan McCabe not—Holy Fiddler’s Flip, you’re John Ferguson!
JFJ: John Ferguson JUNIORRRR!
BRYAN McCABE: Oh, ummm…I don’t know his address, but I can give you a phone book and you could try looking him up, you know, preferably somewhere other than my front lawn.
JFJ:Why didn’t I think of that? Thank you, Anchorman!
(at MATT STAJAN’s place, the phone rings and MATT answers it.)
MATT STAJAN: Hello, Matt Stajan.
VOICE OF JFJ: wait, whoa—Matt Stajan?
MATT STAJAN: Yeah, Matt Stajan.
VOICE OF JFJ: Matt Stajan?
MATT STAJAN: Yes—Matt Stajan is the person who is talking right now.
VOICE OF JFJ: MATT STAJAN! MAAATT STAAAJAAAAN! (Hangs up)
MATT STAJAN: Weird. That’s like the third time that’s happened this week.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Huh--apparently the last Leafer Madness post was post number 100! Here at tWWoLD, that means it's time for a celebration. Barry Melrose Rocks already has Snoop and Gary Bettman, so instead, let's celebrate with Eddie Belfour and Jose:I'd like to thank all (6) of you from reading my dribble and for stopping by. And now, onto YouTube Yoinkage
Clip one: "Are you SHITTING me, Wozniewski?" I offer this in honour of Andy Wozniewski getting put on waivers. When I read that over at Pension Plan Puppets, I searched YouTube for anything about the Woz. I got three clips: this one, the "take two" version of this (non-shitting version) and a clip of Woz talking about Illinois. That's it.
clip Two: Eddie Belfour drops some mad rhymes, yo. That hotel staff is indeed lucky to be alive.
Clip three: Meet Mitt Romney. It has nothing to do with hockey, but especially since he just dropped out of the race, it's too damn funny to pass up:
Thursday, February 7, 2008
(JFJ is walking down a street and he happens upon a group of emo kids, well, being emo)
JFJ: So, uh…what are you kids doing?
EMO KID 1:We’re resisting the fakeness of our parents and of society
EMO KID 2: And I’m playing an acoustic version of Guns N’ Roses to be ironic
JFJ : Um, ok. So, I have a personal question: what’s with the cutting stuff?
EMO KID 1: That’s so we can relieve our emotional numbness
EMO KID 2: I know that if I cut myself enough eventually I can feel alive and I can punish myself for all the mistakes I’ve made
JFJ : Aw screw it (Takes out a small penknife and slits wrists)
EMO KID 1: Now how do you feel?
JFJ: GAH! I’m BLEEDING! My life isn’t any better— I’m still unemployed, people still hate me, and now I’m bleeding all over my shirt! Goddamn it! Screw you guys, I’m going home!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
(KABERLE is trekking through the jungle with his weapon, an Uzi. He comes across COLAIACOVO, who has a chainsaw in place of his left forearm and a weedwhacker in place of the right. )
KABERLE: What happened to you? I thought that you were dead.
COLAIACOVO: I was dead for a while, then I sold my soul and my left arm to Satan and I lived again. I met some of the other guys in the lighthouse. I died a second time there, so I gave up my right arm and both of my legs in exchange for living again. They changed them into elephant feet. So when I die again, I’ll make some pretty umbrella stands. Or is it ashtrays they make from elephant’s feet? Oh well—doesn’t matter.
KABERLE: I have a plan for getting all of us off this island, but I need your help. We need to track down Pavel and steal his plot-hole machine. Will you help?
COLAIACOVO: Sure, but how are we going to find him?
KABERLE: Look at the ground, Carlo (indicates tank tracks on the ground.)
COLAIACOVO: How in the hell did he get a tank?
KABERLE: That’s why we need the plot-hole machine. Maybe we can use it to get back before this terrible island ever happened. Come on. (They follow the tank treads further into the jungle.)
(At the headquarters, a soldier is talking with BETTMAN.)
SOLDIER: With all due respect, sir, I don’t know if it was wise to give Kubina the plot-hole device. We haven’t even perfected the technology yet, sir—it’s a highly, highly unstable device.
BETTMAN: That was why I rigged it so Kubina would get it. I knew that he’d just use it for himself, so there is no real risk to us. I mean, if Kaberle or Sundin were to get it, they’d try be a hero and save everyone, which defeats our purpose.
SOLDIER: But sir, what happens if another player gets a hold of it?
BETTMAN: That won’t happen—you said it was unstable, and it is in unstable hands, so there isn’t a risk of someone else to get it, is there?
SOLDIER: As I said, sir, it is highly experimental technology—we don’t have the bugs worked out of it yet. It’s always possible that the device could backfire on the person using it, sir
BETTMAN: What do you mean by “backfire”?
SOLDIER: Well, sir...it could introduce some element into the operator’s biological makeup without warning. It could…we don’t even know what else it is capable of doing, sir.
BETTMAN: Considering its operator, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about another player getting it.
(KUBINA is drunk and cruising in his tank with the strippers, firing the tank at will)
KUBINA: (singing) Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow, Don’t, stop…um…something, lalala—c’mon girls, help me out with the words. Do you know what? I’m hungry—let’s get some motherfuckin’ frennnnch toaaasst! (He presses some buttons on the plot-hole generator.) Whoa—I feel all tingly and stuff all over my body. That was weird. Oh well. (grabs nearest champagne bottle. He takes a long swig out of the bottle. What he doesn’t know is that the plot-hole generator has somehow made him deathly allergic to champagne. KUBINA starts to go into anaphylactic shock.)
STRIPPER 1: What’s he doing?
STRIPPER 2: He’s going into shock, you know that kind—what’s that “a” word?
STRIPPER 3: “Anorexic”?
STRIPPER 2: No, it was a longer word and I think it had “anal” in it
STRIPPER 1: You think everything should have anal in it! (They giggle a little.)
STRIPPER 2: This guy is dying and we don’t know what to do to help him!
STRIPPER 3: Is there some Benedryl here?
STRIPPER 2: He used this thing whenever he needed something—maybe if I press this button—(she grabs the plot-hole generator and pushes some buttons. She disappears into thin air with the device.)
STRIPPER 1: Great! Now what are we supposed to do?
STRIPPER 3:He’s not breathing!
STRIPPER 1: I think he’s dead. Does that make us murderers?
STRIPPER 3: We didn’t kill him, exactly. We just didn’t know what we were doing, that’s all. It’s not like we stabbed him in the heck or something like that.
STRIPPER 1: Is this where we bang on his chest and yell something like “Live, dammit, LIVE!”
STRIPPER 3: I think so.
STRIPPER 1: Maybe we should just leave him here and get help.
STRIPPER 3: But we have no idea where we are or who to ask for help! Maybe one of us should leave and the other stay here.
STRIPPER 1: There’s no way I’m staying here with a dead body!
STRIPPER 3: We need to open this hatch (She does so, only to see KABERLE and COLAIACOVO are close behind) Oh God! (jumps back down into the tank) There are two guys out there—one has a gun and the other has a chainsaw and a weedwhacker instead of arms! They’re gonna kill us!
STRIPPER 1: We don’t know that—let’s just talk to them, maybe they can help us. (She opens the hatch)
STRIPPER 3: I don’t know—you should have a white cloth so they know we’re peaceful.
STRIPPER 1:I don’t have anything like that. If I just flash them, would that work?
STRIPPER 3: You might as well try it. We don’t have much else to lose. (STRIPPER 1 opens her top and shows her breasts to KABERLE and COLAIACOVO)
COLAIACOVO: When did Kubina get such nice tits?
KABERLE: He got her with the plot-hole device. There should be two others with him. Come out, Kubina! I’m not alone this time!
STRIPPER 1: He’s dead! And one of the other girls took his calculator thingy and disappeared into thin air!
KABERLE: What do you mean? (STRIPPER 3 leans out of the hatch.)
STRIPPER 3: Pavel had some sort of bad reaction to the champagne and he died. The other girl took his machine, pushed some buttons and—POOF!—she was gone. Here—we’ll prove he’s dead. (Both STRIPPERS go back into the tank and with some struggling, they manage to push KUBINA’S body out of the hatch.)
STRIPPER 1: We didn’t kill him, we swear! He just took a gulp of champagne, then he started wheezing, and suddenly he was dead!
STRIPPER 3: I’m fading…
STRIPPER 1: Then make an appointment for your roots
STRIPPER 3: Not my hair, I’m fading…
STRIPPER 1: Me too—is it because we’re only plot devices?
STRIPPER 3: maybe… (They both fade into thin air, along with the tank)
KABERLE: Shit! If we had had that tank, we could have stormed the headquarters but I guess we’ll just have to fend for ourselves now.
COLAIACOVO: Drat and double drat, indeed.
Monday, February 4, 2008
(JFJ is in his office once again, sitting at the desk and writing a note.)
JFJ (writing): It seems as if I no longer have a reason to continue soldering on in this life. I no longer have a job, and my chances getting another seem slim at best. I’m a hated man in this town. Sometimes I think that everyone hates me. Little old ladies hit me in the shins with their canes when I pass them on the streets. Nuns and Cub Scouts give me dirty looks wherever I go. I was buying coffee the other day and I swear I saw a baby flip me the bird. (SECURITY GUARD enters)
GUARD: Mr. Ferguson sir, I have to ask you to leave the premises
JFJ: I’ll be done in a second (Takes out a gun from a desk drawer and put the barrel into his mouth)
GUARD: (raises nightstick or whatever security guards have) DROP THE WEAPON!
JFJ: Why the hell did I get a liquorice gun? I HATE liquorice!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Since I feel like I should, I'm going to throw up a short bit regarding the Superbowl. Being from Vermont, I am a Patriots fan. HOWEVAH, I have a little story regarding the Giants. When I was in high school, my geometry teacher used to not assign us homework if the Giants won and in the syllabus he'd hand out at the beginning of the year, he also promised us a big party if they won the Superbowl. Unfortunately for me, that was 5 or 6 years ago. I don't remember how the season ended, but I don't remember getting many exemptions from geometry homework, either. I'm taking that as a a sign that the Giants were quite terrible that year. Part of me is kind of conflicted--Pats winning would be kind of cool, but then again I want the teacher to get a party at least once.
Whatever--I won't even be watching the game anyway. I spent most of this weekend watching anime and eating junk food with one of my best friends and have now realized that I have two proposals due early this week that I haven't even started. I'm also not as dedicated to football unless I'm home watching with my brothers.
Another point--the main bar here is advertising the normal Superbowl related items--cheap wings, big screen, Bud and the like. What's interesting is that on the posters, they also advertise "With American ads!"
So anyway, Here's Guyz Nite with "I'm Always Game for Some Football". It's a great tune, and I'd take this over Faith Hill for the opening for Sunday Night Football every time.