Antro and Poni Super Awesome show 2: Time to Say goodbye

(SCENE: ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY, NIK ANTROPOV and DOMINIC MOORE are sitting on some folding chairs in ANTROPOV’s basement. A video camera is set up on a tripod filming them.)
ANTROPOV: Hello! I am Nik Antropov!
PONIKAROVSKY: An I is Alex Ponikarovsky!
ANTROPOV: Welcome to Antrov and Poni Awesome Show that Is Good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Why is your name first? All the time, “Antro and Poni”
ANTROPOV: Dat’s how they do it in hockey, is by last names.
PONIKAROVSKY: But by first names, Alexei comes before Nik.
MOORE: Uh, guys...
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry. And we also has special guest, Serial Killer college boy—
ANTROPOV: (harsh whisper)Don’t say that to his face!
PONIKAROVSKY: (harsh whisper): Why not? Why are you whispering?
ANTROPOV: (whisper) He’s right THERE!
MOORE: So, uh, I’m Dominic Moore and—
PONIKAROVSKY: (normal voice) Right. Is big show today. We gots Dominic Moore who is totally not a serial killer like the guy from dat show, and later we has Matt Stajan for talkings about stuff.
(ANTROPOV’s phone rings)
ANTROPOV: Hello? And wha? To where? (sad face) ok. Ok. (hangs up) I’d traded to Rangers of New York.
PONIKAROVSKY: Wha? Oh noes, it cants…(breaks down crying)
ANTROPOV: Is ok Poni, I shell be Ranger of New York, which is better than being Ranger of Old York, with Chuck Norris.
MOORE: Chuck Norris isn’t on the Rangers, that was just some dumb TV show!
PONIKAROVSKY: You’s ruining moment (ANTROPOV starts bawling as well)
ANTROPOV: I promised I wouldn’t cry…
STAJAN (From backstage, which is a shower curtain): DAMMIT! Why do all my friends keep getting traded?! Fuck this! I’m going to Tim’s and getting some donuts! And then...somewhere to get a bottle of tequila! (Storms out of basement)
(MOORE’s phone rings)
MOORE: Hello? Yeah. To Buffalo?...oh. Ok. Uh, thanks. Yeah, I can be there. Ok. (MOORE hangs up, looks left and looks right, sneaks away from sobbing PONIKAROVSKY and ANTROPOV.) Buffalo can’t be that bad, can it?

But really, Rebel_Yell and Antrobot_80000, thanks for everything.

Maple Leafs Chat: Nobody Likes Lee

I_ron_butterfly: …AND THAT BOYS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO TONIGHT
StempofApproval: But Coach, what about--
I_ron_butterfly: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
StempofApproval: I’m Lee Stempniak? I’m a Leafs player
I_ron_butterfly: I MAY BE AN OLD MAN BUT I THINK I KNOW THE PLAYERS ON MY TEAM
StempofApproval: Don’t you guys remember? I came over in the trade from St. Louis? You traded Alex Steen and Carlo Colaiacovo for me?
White_lightning: CARLO!
White_lightning: /Sobbing
StajanNotCajun: STEENER!
StajanNotCajun:/sobbing
I_ron_butterfly: YOU TWO CUT THAT EMO SHIT OUT
StajanNotCajun: /slightly quieter sobbing
White_lightning: /slightly quieter sobbing
StempofApproval: But I’ve been here since November!
Schenn_sational: I don’t remember you at all.
StempofApproval: I play on a line with you!
Rebel_Yell: You know, I think I saw you a few times there. You kept yelling at me to pass the puck, but I didn’t since I didn’t think you were a real player.
StempofApproval: I was in a uniform, on the ice. What the hell did you think I was?
Rebel_Yell: I dunno, some sort of deranged stalker? I was seriously going to go and file a restraining order against you for my own protection.
White_lightning: I thoughts you were some sort of newspaper guy, like those guys that go in with an army unit in Afghanistan and stuff?
Schenn_sational: I thought I was just imagining you, or it was some trick of the light
I_ron_butterfly: I WILL IN NO WAY TOLERATE THIS KIND OF TOMFOOLERY
StempofApproval: Am I seriously the only one here who thinks I’m a Leafs player?
StajanNotCajun: So you’re not just a Make A Wish kid who’s last wish to meet the Leafs?
StempofApproval:NO! Gah what do I have to do to convince you guys I’m a Leaf?
I_ron_butterfly: YOU COULD SING THE SONG
White_lightning: we have a song?
StempofApproval: Er…My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then he takes another home again to find me…lacing up the skates for the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Club! Best freakin’ club in all the land, am I right?
I_ron_butterfly: THAT’S PRETTY DAMN GOOD, LAD!

LOLeafs, NEEEEERRRRRDS edition

Maple Leafs Chat: Vancity/Boston edition

***Welcome to the Official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
Chat Archive 15 November, 2008

I__Ron_Butterfly : OK BITCHES I GOT AN IDEA OF HOW TO CREATE A BETTER CULTURE FOR OUR TEAM. I GOT THIS CHORE JAR HERE NOW ALL YOU GUYS TAKE ONE PIECE OF PAPER AND THAT’S YOUR CHORE FOR THE NEXT GAME.
StajanNotCajun: Chore jars are so lame.
Coco_puffs: Lame!
I__Ron_Butterfly : QUIET YOU HOSEHEADS. NOW EVERYONE TAKE A PAPER
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has distributed CHORE_JAR to all the members of the chat room***
Antrobot_80000: “use you huge ass to your advantage”? I thinks I gots that
Rebel_Yell: “Don’t kill anyone, but feel free to rough them up” O…k
Coco_puffs: “Don’t explode”? Are you trying to say something, Ronnie?
Tosking_Heads: “wear retard hat”? what the hell does that mean?
I__Ron_Butterfly : EVERY GAME THERE HAS TO BE THAT ONE LEAF WHO MAKES PEOPLE GO “IS THAT GUY FUCKIN RETARDED?”
White Lightning: Retarded as in, “Let’s Get Retarded” retarded?
I__Ron_Butterfly :NO! RETARDED AS IN LICKING WINDOWS AND RIDING THE SHORT BUS RETARDED
FullSteenAhead: But why do we need the retard player? Can’t all of us, you know, not suck?
I__Ron_Butterfly :THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO. EVERY OTHER TEAM IS TRYING TO HAVE ALL THE PLAYERS NOT SUCK. OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE THAT COMING WE NED TO SURPRISE THEM, CATCH THEM OFF GUARD
Tosking_Heads: Ron, that makes no sense at all
Coco_puffs: That’s quite possibly the worst strategy I have heard
Coco_puffs: Ow! Dammit, I got a paper cut
I__Ron_Butterfly : THAT’LL LEARN YOU BITCH
StajanNotCajun: Please, Ron, you’re scaring me…
Rebel_Yell: I think my ears are ringing

Chat archive: pregame 17 November 2008
I__Ron_Butterfly :OK GUYS CHORE JAR TIME AGAIN
StajanNotCajun: I still say this is still a lame idea
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has distributed CHORE_JAR to all the members of the chat room***
FullSteenAhead: “Don’t explode”. Phew, one I can do
Rebel_Yell: “Retard Hat”? I find this term offensive
White Lightning: I used to get that one all the time, now I just get “don’t kill anyone”
Tosking_Heads: “Use your huge ass to your advantage”. Did you just say I’m fat? Is it these pants ? It’s the pants that make me look fat, isn’t it?
Antrobot_80000:No Tosk is your ass dat makes your ass look big
Coco_puffs: hah, good one
Antrobot_80000: “ Don’t explode” ? He puts in multiples of this one?
I__Ron_Butterfly : MULTIPLE PEOPLE NEED TO STOP EXPLODING ON OUR TEAM
StajanNotCajun: “Stop being such a damn wuss”? Ron—
I__Ron_Butterfly : GAME TIME BITCHES
***Toronto Maple Leafs have entered a game against the Boston Bruins***
***The Boston Bruins have defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs***
I__Ron_Butterfly :TOSKALA GET OVER HERE
Tosking_Heads: Coach, I knows I as not so good—
I__Ron_Butterfly : YOU FRIGGEN SUCKED OUT THERE TONIGHT AND IT WASN’T EVEN YOUR TURN TO WEAR THE RETARD HAT
Tosking_Heads: I guess I sleep on de couch tonight, huh?
I__Ron_Butterfly : YOU MUST EARN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH YOU GET TO SLEEP UNDER THE COUCH JUST FOR THE RYDER GOAL
Tosking_Heads: But coach, what about the defence and –
I__Ron_Butterfly : UNDER THE COUCH
Tosking_Heads: I has a sad now…
*** Tosking_Heads is under the couch**
Tosking_Heads: cool! I found a Starburst till in the wrapper under here! That means it’s still good right?
I__Ron_Butterfly : GIVE ME THAT!
I__Ron_Butterfly: /takes Starburst
I__Ron_Butterfly : CURTIS JOSEPH WOULD APPRECIATE THIS MUCH MORE THAN YOU
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has left the room***
Tosking_Heads: Never have the words of simple Plan been so accurate for Toskala…
World_of_Raycroft: Welcome to my world...

Halloween at Carlo's

(NOTE: due to highly secretive and probably illegal methods, I bring to you the Maple Leafs' Halloween Shindig, 2008!--LD)

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO’S apartment. COLAIACOVO is dressed as Mario. IAN WHITE enters, also dressed as Mario)

COLAIACOVO: Why the Hell are you dressed as Mario? We agreed, I was gonna be Mario, and you were gonna be Luigi

WHITE: Fuck Luigi. Luigi sucks!

COLAIACOVO: That’s why I wanted to be Mario and not Luigi.

WHITE: Screw you then! Maybe I’ll be Wario so’s I can atomic fart on your face! Filthy fuckin’ Eye-talians, anyway! (leaves)

(Knock at the door. COLAIACOVO answers it and MATT STAJAN, dressed as Sailor Moon and ALEX STEEN, dressed as generic emo kid, enter)

COLAIACOVO: Hey guys. Nice legs, Matt—no homo

STAJAN: Well, Alex and I had a bet and the loser had to go out in drag, soo…

STEEN: I still can’t believe you thought that you could get pregnant from drinking Dr. Pepper

STAJAN: Shut it, emo boy!

STEEN: But I’m so full of angst!

STAJAN: So why did Ian White looked so pissed off when he left?

COLAIACOVO: Oh, he’s just mad he wasn’t gonna be Mario. Don’t worry about it (Knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and PAVEL KUBINA, totally naked, enters)

KUBINA: ‘sup?

COLAIACOVO: Kubie…why are you naked?

KUBINA: It’s my custume. I’s a nudist

COLAIACOVO: Dude, being naked does not count as a costume. Come back when you have an accrual costume (closes door. Knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and sees KUBINA, naked and holding a cell phone)

KUBINA: Jiri Tlusty?

COLAIACOVO: Doesn’t count—get a real costume. (shuts door. Knock and DOMINIC MOORE enters, dressed in a dark long sleeved thermal shirt totally wrapped in plastic wrap and leather gloves) http://ifyouwriteit.blogspot.com/2007/11/darkly-dreaming-dexter-on-showtime.html

MOORE: Hey Carlo. Why isn’t Kubie in here? Nice legs, Matty

COLAIACOVO: Kubie didn’t have a costume. He just showed up naked.

STAJAN: Why do people have to keep mentioning my legs?

STEEN: Because you’re wearing such a short skirt. God, you’re such an attention whore.

STAJAN: Dom, I don’t really get your costume

MOORE: Well, I’m Dexter

STAJANY: you mean, like, in Dexter’s Laboratory?

MOORE: No, no, nothing like Dexter’s Laboratory

STEEN: If I really were emo, I’d write a poem about it called “Stabby Stab Stabpants”. (knock at the door, COLAIACOVO answers and sees WHITE in a Colaiacovo jersey with bandage around his head, fake blood coming out his ears, one arm in a sling and on crutches )

COLAIACOVO: Ian, you’re a douche. Seriously.

WHITE: How do you like it when White lightning strikes, bitch?

MOORE: That’s actually mildly funny.

STAJAN: nicely played, dude.

STEEN: What the…is Pavel Kubina back…and still naked? (KUBINA enters naked but with “LIFEGARRD” and a cross painted in his chest, wearing sunglasss and a hat)

KUBINA: I’s a lifeguard at nude beach. Is a costume, I phoned Kabby and he says yes.

STEEN: Where the hell is Kabby anyway? I haven’t seen him anywhere lately

STAJAN: You know, I haven’t seen him anywhere either.

WHITE: Where is ANYONE? We can’t seriously be the only ones here.

STEEN: talk about being full of fail. We’re failtacular, guys!

STAJAN: Wait a second….it’s a bunch of guys and I’m the closest one to a girl…this isn’t a gay orgy is it? I won’t take part in a gay orgy!

MOORE: Well, to be honest, you do have pretty eyes

STAJAN: Dammit, not again.

STEEN: tortured sigh…

Post-Season Summer plans

Due to shifty and highly illegal means, I have obtained the summer itineraries of several members of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I feel obliged to share them with you here:

Tomas Kaberle: creating a way to travel to the moon without using fossil fuels

Andrew Raycroft: stocking up on razor blades and watching this since the real thing won't be happening this summer

Kyle Wellwood: after a disappointing season, he will spend the summer finding a way to “Rickroll” the ACC Jumbotron on opening night. In the event he gets traded, his last game will feature “2girls1cup”

Bryan McCabe: will spend at least a day staring at a section of aluminum foil, telling his wife, “Look honey, there's a guy who looks just like me in our kitchen!” Or possibly holding a never ending party.

Darcy Tucker: Kick Sean Avery's dog, light Daniel Alfredsson's golf clubs on fire, and send Mike Peca a box of chocolates

Johnny Pohl and Dominic Moore: after taking the stage names of "Jason Spezza" and "Sidney Crosby", respectively, they will star in the soon-to-be-classic adult title "Sin Bin Sluts: 5 for Fucking". Alex Steen will assist them by being "the guy who holds the microphone, so that way I won't be the one getting herpes" (his words not mine)

LolLeafs: What the Hell do I Write about Now? Edition

BIG thanks to all you fine folks who kept up with and commented on the Leafer Madness series. Now I just have to think of a way to top it...until then, more LolLeafs for everybody!

photo one: Dave Sandford/Getty Images
photo two: AP Photo/David Duprey
Photo three: AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Fred Chartrand