Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!



***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.

Maple Leafs Chat: Vancity/Boston edition

***Welcome to the Official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
Chat Archive 15 November, 2008

I__Ron_Butterfly : OK BITCHES I GOT AN IDEA OF HOW TO CREATE A BETTER CULTURE FOR OUR TEAM. I GOT THIS CHORE JAR HERE NOW ALL YOU GUYS TAKE ONE PIECE OF PAPER AND THAT’S YOUR CHORE FOR THE NEXT GAME.
StajanNotCajun: Chore jars are so lame.
Coco_puffs: Lame!
I__Ron_Butterfly : QUIET YOU HOSEHEADS. NOW EVERYONE TAKE A PAPER
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has distributed CHORE_JAR to all the members of the chat room***
Antrobot_80000: “use you huge ass to your advantage”? I thinks I gots that
Rebel_Yell: “Don’t kill anyone, but feel free to rough them up” O…k
Coco_puffs: “Don’t explode”? Are you trying to say something, Ronnie?
Tosking_Heads: “wear retard hat”? what the hell does that mean?
I__Ron_Butterfly : EVERY GAME THERE HAS TO BE THAT ONE LEAF WHO MAKES PEOPLE GO “IS THAT GUY FUCKIN RETARDED?”
White Lightning: Retarded as in, “Let’s Get Retarded” retarded?
I__Ron_Butterfly :NO! RETARDED AS IN LICKING WINDOWS AND RIDING THE SHORT BUS RETARDED
FullSteenAhead: But why do we need the retard player? Can’t all of us, you know, not suck?
I__Ron_Butterfly :THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO. EVERY OTHER TEAM IS TRYING TO HAVE ALL THE PLAYERS NOT SUCK. OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE THAT COMING WE NED TO SURPRISE THEM, CATCH THEM OFF GUARD
Tosking_Heads: Ron, that makes no sense at all
Coco_puffs: That’s quite possibly the worst strategy I have heard
Coco_puffs: Ow! Dammit, I got a paper cut
I__Ron_Butterfly : THAT’LL LEARN YOU BITCH
StajanNotCajun: Please, Ron, you’re scaring me…
Rebel_Yell: I think my ears are ringing

Chat archive: pregame 17 November 2008
I__Ron_Butterfly :OK GUYS CHORE JAR TIME AGAIN
StajanNotCajun: I still say this is still a lame idea
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has distributed CHORE_JAR to all the members of the chat room***
FullSteenAhead: “Don’t explode”. Phew, one I can do
Rebel_Yell: “Retard Hat”? I find this term offensive
White Lightning: I used to get that one all the time, now I just get “don’t kill anyone”
Tosking_Heads: “Use your huge ass to your advantage”. Did you just say I’m fat? Is it these pants ? It’s the pants that make me look fat, isn’t it?
Antrobot_80000:No Tosk is your ass dat makes your ass look big
Coco_puffs: hah, good one
Antrobot_80000: “ Don’t explode” ? He puts in multiples of this one?
I__Ron_Butterfly : MULTIPLE PEOPLE NEED TO STOP EXPLODING ON OUR TEAM
StajanNotCajun: “Stop being such a damn wuss”? Ron—
I__Ron_Butterfly : GAME TIME BITCHES
***Toronto Maple Leafs have entered a game against the Boston Bruins***
***The Boston Bruins have defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs***
I__Ron_Butterfly :TOSKALA GET OVER HERE
Tosking_Heads: Coach, I knows I as not so good—
I__Ron_Butterfly : YOU FRIGGEN SUCKED OUT THERE TONIGHT AND IT WASN’T EVEN YOUR TURN TO WEAR THE RETARD HAT
Tosking_Heads: I guess I sleep on de couch tonight, huh?
I__Ron_Butterfly : YOU MUST EARN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH YOU GET TO SLEEP UNDER THE COUCH JUST FOR THE RYDER GOAL
Tosking_Heads: But coach, what about the defence and –
I__Ron_Butterfly : UNDER THE COUCH
Tosking_Heads: I has a sad now…
*** Tosking_Heads is under the couch**
Tosking_Heads: cool! I found a Starburst till in the wrapper under here! That means it’s still good right?
I__Ron_Butterfly : GIVE ME THAT!
I__Ron_Butterfly: /takes Starburst
I__Ron_Butterfly : CURTIS JOSEPH WOULD APPRECIATE THIS MUCH MORE THAN YOU
*** I__Ron_Butterfly has left the room***
Tosking_Heads: Never have the words of simple Plan been so accurate for Toskala…
World_of_Raycroft: Welcome to my world...

Obligatory thoughts on certain departures

You know, with the current situation in the Maple Leafs that has lots of folks leaving and whatnot, I (and lots of other Leafs bloggers) have been feeling really down. This is especially true with Darcy Tucker. Tucker was one of my favourite Leafs to write with/about (whatever it is I do). So here I present one last (for now) project with the departing Leafs, just to cheer things up a bit. (the first time a new screen name is mentioned, it links to the player's Hockey Database page) So allow me to take a page from The Dugout:

Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Harrison_Steel: Hey guys, does anyone know where I could find a decent English-Swiss dictionary?

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: I don’t think they exist i don’t think swiss is a language

Harrison_Steel: But how do they communicate? Do thye just use like sign language or something?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker has entered the chat room

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: Hey guys

Harrison_Steel: hey

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Sucks to see you go, man

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: It does! It sucks like Raycroft’s mom. But Calgary can’t be that bad, can it?

World_of_Raycroft has entered the chat room

Sheriff_of_Wellwood_forrest has entered the chat room

World_of_Raycroft:Hi everyboday! Its me! Raycroft, you know?

Harrison_Steel: Uh, yeah, we can read, Raycroft

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Even me!

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: We were just having a conversation amongst ourselves

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest:hey guys BC salmon sucks

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Tucker, you played for Tampa Bay back before they won stuff, right?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: yeah Calgary can’t be *that* bad

World_of_Raycroft: mood: depressed

World_of_Raycroft: oops wrong window hah, or should I say LOL!

Harrison_Steel: whatevs

World_of_Raycroft: God, I’m so depressed right now. I keep drinking hot cocoa and listening to Sarah MacLaughlin but I don’t feel any different.

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: You listen to Sarah MacLaughin when you’re depressed? Isn’t that like putting gasoline on a bonfire?

World_of_Raycroft: like, all the stuff I read about Tucker leaving is all “oh we’ll miss you, your awesome” and all the stuff about me is like, “good riddance”

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: With all due respect, that’s because you’re a sack of crap and nobody likes you

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: That was kinda mean, dude

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: What? I’m being honest! And I said “with all due respect”

World_of_Raycroft: That’s it. Like Budd Dwyer, I’m going out with a bang

World_of_Raycroft: *grabs pistol*

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Rayray, no don’t do it!

Harrison_Steel oh shit, man, don’t!

World_of_Raycroft:*puts pistol barrel in mouth*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: DON”T DO IT! Think of whoever has to clean that up. I mean, blood doesn’t come out of stuff easily. Trust me I know!

World_of_Raycroft: I told you guys I was hardcore

World_of_Raycroft: *pulls trigger*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: oh shitohshitohshitohshit

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Fuck!

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: just…stunned…

World_of_Raycroft: …OMGWTFBBQ SAUCE AN EXTRA CHEESE

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: G-G-G-GHOST! AHH!

World_of_Raycroft: Nah, the gun I just shot myself with? Turns out it was just a cap gun

Harrison_Steel: Seriously? ROFLMAO

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: EPIC FAIL

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: bwahahahahahHAHAHAHA OH SHIT HAHAHA!!!

World_of_Raycroft: Screw you guys I'm going home!

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque

BRYAN McCABE: Wow, I can't believe I got so many people to show up at my backyard barbeque
MATS SUNDIN: Just to be safe, after Raycroft's little...incident, do you have all of the knives and sharp objects locked up?
McCABE: You mean...? Oh that, don't worry—locking up the sharp objects is standard procedure here whenever I'm around. (DARCY TUCKER enters) Oh, hey, Darcy!
DARCY TUCKER: Hey guys. I brought a bag of frozen fishsticks for you, Bryan. Enjoy Long Island, you fuckfaced retard.
McCABE: Haha, Darcy, you're such a great joker!
TUCKER: No, man, I'm serious. Every night I pray to God that the cops find your bloated corpse in a ditch somewhere. And Mark Bell asked me to give you this for him. (Hands McCabe a suspicious bottle)
McCABE:Prison wine? He shouldn't have!
SUNDIN: for sure—I can smell the hepatitis from here. (PAVEL KUBINA enters, greetings excahnged)between everyone)
McCABE: Hey Kubie...uh, what's that bag in your hand?
PAVEL KUBINA: What beg?Vhat hend?
McCABE: I'm talking about the plastic bad in you hand that looks like it's full of assorted pills.
KUBINA: Oh, this?It is...well, I shell be honest. Dis beg may be full of pells, dey may be Skittles, I do know know for sure. But I know a way to find out.
McCABE: Dude, did you just roofie my drink?
KUBINA: No, why you ask?
McCABE:You did! You totally did! you just reached over and plopped a pill or something in my drink, I just saw you. You weren't even sneaky about it.
KUBINA:OK, I make a deal: if nothing heppen, it was just a vitamin suppliment. If you fall alseep and someone is making hot, sweet love to your anus, then it was a roofie. Deal?
McCABE: far enough
KUBINA: and now to get Babyface Crew on acid. Or maybe those are Vitamin C. (leaves)
SUNDIN: Wait, is that—it can't be...Paul Maurice? HERE?
McCABE:Oh no, he's such a buzzkill
TUCKER:Whatever guys, just act cool, here he comes.
PAUL MAURICE: Heyy, guys!
SUNDIN, McCABE, TUCKER: (in a depressed manner) Hi, Coach
MAURICE: Look, I know you all think I'm a buzzkill, so I'll level with you—I have enough weed, Xanax, and Vicodin to host a Phish reunion tour!
TUCKER: (somewhat forced) Okay! Now we van really let loose!
McCABE: “Now”? After seeing Kubina drugging everybody's drinks with random pills?
SUNDIN” So is that why Wellwood is totally terrified of the shadows of those tree branches?
WELLWOOD: They're gonna trap me! LEMMEOUT! LEMMEOUT!
STEEN: Kyle, shut up! If I sing “It's raining men” fast enough this rock says he'll each me how to fly!
STAJAN: (sobbing) MOMMMMY! I ate the moon!
WELLWOOD: Matt! Save yourself! The branches have me pinned down!
STAJAN: I ate the moon, mommy, I'm sorrry!! (panicked whisper) It's not there anymore! (sobs) are you mad at me? (crawls over to WELLWOOD)
WELLWOOD: I'll forgive you for eating the moon if you shield me from these branches
STAJAN: (still sobbing) Ok, ok (curls up into fetal position next to WELLWOOD, who starts gnawing on STAJAN's fingers)
TUCKER: Kyle! Stop trying to eat Stajan!
WELLWOOD: But his fingers are delicious Cajun sausage! nomnomnom.
STEEN: And his hair is made out of bacon! nomnomnom (starts chewing STAJAN'S hair)
TUCKER: I thought you were trying to fly
STEEN : The rock was playing me. I shoulda known, nomnomnom
TUCKER: You guys, seriously, cannibalism is not cool.
STAJAN: Darcy, what's that on your face?
TUCKER: You mean my nose?
STAJAN: no it's like a bug thingy sucking out your brains! Don't worry, I'll get it for you! (grabs stick, starts beating TUCKER in the face with the stick)
TUCKER: Staj—what the!—dammit!—stop hitting me!—with that stick!—
STAJAN: I'll save you Darcy! I'm a sock-kicking baddass mofo! (TUCKER punches STAJAN and knocks him out)
MAURICE: Darcy, why are you punching people? ah never mind that...
WELLWOOD (to nobody at all): TICKING TIME BOMB!
MAURICE: Wait a second...is that Rayrary over there? Raycroft, you emowannabe sumbitch, comeover here and smoke a bowl with me!

( stay tuned for part 2 eventually)

Post-Season Summer plans

Due to shifty and highly illegal means, I have obtained the summer itineraries of several members of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I feel obliged to share them with you here:

Tomas Kaberle: creating a way to travel to the moon without using fossil fuels

Andrew Raycroft: stocking up on razor blades and watching this since the real thing won't be happening this summer

Kyle Wellwood: after a disappointing season, he will spend the summer finding a way to “Rickroll” the ACC Jumbotron on opening night. In the event he gets traded, his last game will feature “2girls1cup”

Bryan McCabe: will spend at least a day staring at a section of aluminum foil, telling his wife, “Look honey, there's a guy who looks just like me in our kitchen!” Or possibly holding a never ending party.

Darcy Tucker: Kick Sean Avery's dog, light Daniel Alfredsson's golf clubs on fire, and send Mike Peca a box of chocolates

Johnny Pohl and Dominic Moore: after taking the stage names of "Jason Spezza" and "Sidney Crosby", respectively, they will star in the soon-to-be-classic adult title "Sin Bin Sluts: 5 for Fucking". Alex Steen will assist them by being "the guy who holds the microphone, so that way I won't be the one getting herpes" (his words not mine)

Secret Diaries: Andrew Raycroft to Join the Black Parade

(ANDREW RAYCRFOT is alone in the dressing room)

Christcakes I'm emo.

I can't say I'm all that surprised. Earlier I was reading my fanmail—3 today—and who wouldn't be depressed with letters like these:

“Dear King Asshat of Suckville, (I threw that one out right away)”

“Dear Andrew Raycroft, I'm writing this letter for my little sister. She says to tell you “ I love you Andrew Raycroft! You are the best goalie ever! You want to be my friend?” P.S.: my sister is blind and mentally handicapped. Go Sens!”

“Dear Mr. Raycroft, I am a career and guidance counselor at Christwagons Catholic High School. In my job, I evaluate people's abilities and recommend an appropriate job for them. Mr. Raycroft, have you ever considered joining a cult? They don't even have to pay taxes, you know. Even working on a hobby can improve a person. I suggest knitting (nooses) or jumping off bridges.”

Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a useless husk of an imitation goalie. There's only one way I can possibly release all of this emotional tension (grabs razor blade, puts on Sarah McLachlan) Atta girl, Sarah...(singing as he cuts) In the arrrrrms offff an anngel, flyy awaaaaaayyyyyyyy fromm herrrreee (VESA TOSKALA enters, RAYCROFT tries to hide what he's doing and fails)

TOSKALA: What the hell are you doing? (Grabs RAYCROFT's hand) Down the Highway, NOT across the street. Idiot. (leaves)

RAYCROFT: may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt herrrrrrrrrree

>

Open Letter/Rant to Andrew Raycroft

Special thanks goes to Jared over at Die Hard Blue and White --I totally stole your idea. Except, my idea is more of the "whimsical" sort, whereas your letter had, like, actual analysis and stuff.

Dearest Andrew,
Ok, so here's my idea to make you a better goalie. Other people are going to tell you stuff like "work harder on reflexes" or "suck on a tailpipe", but that's not the kind of advice that you'll follow. What I want to do is offer you the advice that you'll actually follow. This is the kind of advice that's easy to do and will get the promised results.

Here's my thinking: there are all sorts of rules regarding the equipment--how big leg pads can be and whatnot. There is one thing that the NHL can't regulate: the size of your ass. That's right--there are no rules regarding goalie ass size.

Therefore, I propose that you eat lots of donuts. (Image of Homer stolen from here)


Yep, lots and lots of donuts. As in, enough to make you look like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.(Note: google image searching for "Baby got back" is REALLY recommended against, even with the safe search on.) Come on, I know you can do it well--donuts are delicious. Eating lots of them will make your ass grow in size. With a larger butt, you might be able to stop some more pucks. It seems logical to me. To quote the immortal Homer Simpson on the left: "Donuts--is there anything they can't do?"

Think about it, Andrew. Just...think about it

Crapfully yours,
Loser Domi