Maple Leafs Chat:When the steaks are high

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, you guys know what I miss most about Montreal?
KesselRun81Parsecs:  The strippers?
ButtonsAndBeauch: Buying beer at the gas station?
SchennSational: Warming your hands on a freshly-lit car fire?
KomiKazi: OK, fine, those things are also great. But what I really miss are the steaks.
ButtonsAndBeauch: What about the steaks? What’s so special about it?
KomiKazi: It’s just got all of these spices and stuff.  It’s amazing!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Dude, you can just buy it in stores and make steaks at home.
KomiKazi: Get out of here! You mean you can just BUY Montreal steak seasoning?
SchennSational: Well…yeah.
KomiKazi: You must not be able to buy it in Canada, right? I mean, it’d sounds pretty stupid to call it “Montreal steak seasoning”   when you’re so close to Montreal. Kinda like how they don’t call it New York Strip Steak in New York, right?
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s just “steak seasoning” but sometimes they mark it as “Montreal seasoning.”
KomiKazi:…
KomiKazi: You guys…this changes everything, you guys.
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Sometimes I like putting it on my baked potatoes. It’s tasty.
KomiKazi: OMIGOD! I never knew you could do that! But is it actual steak seasoning? I always thought there were special spices, like tears of French people or something.
SchennSational: I’m gonna default to Beauch on this one.
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’d say it’s pretty tasty.
KomiKazi: I’m gonna go to the grocery store and get like a 10 pound sack. I’ll get one of those smaller bottles and keep it on me so I can have Montreal steak all the time!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  You don’t wanna do that, ya know. Ya don’t wanna overdo the awesomeness.
SchennSational: Kessel’s right, you have to do stuff in moderation and such.
Grab_Bag: Hallos. You know what I most miss of Montreal?
KomiKazi: What?
Grab_Bag: NOTHING!
Grab_Bag: /stabs fruit.

Fake Interviews with Real People: Tomas Kaberle Raps

I heard "Natalie Raps" and I was surprised at how well the lyrical genius applies to the Leafs resident gentle Czech.

Here's the original (language VERY NSFW, which also goes for the parody below it.)


LOSER DOMI: I’m here with Maple Leafs defenceman Tomas Kaberle. So Tomas, what’s a day in the life of Tomas Kaberle like?
TOMAS KABERLE: Do you really want to know?
LD: Please, tell us.
KABERLE:

I don’t sleep, motherfucker, Red Bull and bourbon

Doin’ one twenty gettin’ head when I’m swerving

Damn Kaberle, you’re a crazy Czech

Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick.

I duck shots, ain’t nobody duckin’ harder

Roll up on the Flyers smack the shit outta Jeff Carter.

FRANCOIS BEAUCHEMIN: What you want, Kaberle?

KABERLE: To drink and fight!

BEAUCHEMIN: What you need, Kaberle?

KABERLE: TO FUCK ALL NIGHT!

Don’t screw with me when I’m on scrapbooking glue

I’ll shove my foot in your throat till your shit’s on my shoe

Leave you screaming, pay for my dry cleaning

fuck your man It’s my name that he’s screamin’

LD: I’m sorry Kaberle, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
KABERLE: I never said I was a role model.
LD: What about all the community service? And the kids that look up to you?

KABERLE: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick

It’s Kabbie mother fucker drink till I’m sick

Slit your throat and poor nitrous down the hole

Watch you laugh and cry while I laugh you die

And all the chicks you know I’m talkin to you

ICE GIRLS: We love you Kabbie!

KABERLE: I wanna fuck you too! K is for Kabbie K is for Kock. I’ll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don’t push me!

LD: Well, Tomas I’m surprised. All this from a Leaf with extensive charity work and someone so respected in his native Czech Republic.
KABERLE: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
LD: Really? Such as?

KABERLE: When I was in Czech Leagues, I smoked weed every day

I punched a lot of hookers and snorted all the yay

I gotta a def posse and you gotta buncha dudes

I sit down on your face and take a shit

BEAUCHEMIN: Kaberle you are a bad ass Czech (hell yeah!) and I always pay for your dry cleanin when my shit gets in your shoe. And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that

my soul is scared of you, Kabs

LD: One last question…if you could have dinner with any famous hockey figure, who would it be? (KABERLE throws chair at LD)
Kaberle: No more questions What!

Maple Leafs Chat: Monster's Hospital

***Welcome to Montreal Hospital chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Hey guys, I really appreciate that you could come out here to visit Jonas.

NOT_BOBBY: Sure thing Coach. Gussy’s a great guy.

KesselRun81Parsecs: He’s a teammate AND a friend.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Wait, ‘ow do we know where he is?

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t have a clue, but I can ask this admin secretary woman where he is. Excuse me, I’m looking for a Jonas Gustavsson. I’m his coach, Ron Wilson.

Admin_Secretary: Let me check…Oh, we just moved him into pediatrics.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Why the Hell is he in pediatrics?

NOT_BOBBY: But he’s like six-three!

Buttons_and_Beauch: He’s 25!

Admin_Secretary: Apparently, they thought he was a malnourished teenager or something.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Well, he is pretty scrawny

Admin_Secretary: He’s in room 223.

***Welcome to Room 223!***

Monsters_Ball: Hey guys!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Jonas, are you feeling any better?

Monsters_Ball: I’m kind of tired, but I guess I’ll be ok.

KesselRun81Parsecs: I brought you what always makes me feel better: some ginger ale and a coloring book!

Monsters_Ball: Wow, Spiderman! Thanks. But all I have to color with is this blue pen I swiped from a nurse.

Buttons_and_Beauch: That’s why I got you zese markers, cuz Phil didn’t tink of dat.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Oh geez, I’m such a stooge!

NOT_BOBBY: And I got you…uh, it’s a newspaper. But maybe you can fold the pages into a bitchin’ pirate hat!

Monsters_Ball: You guys might want to keep it down. The girl I share the room with has cancer and she’s trying to sleep. Poor little Ava, she’s just seven.

Ava_CancerKid: It’s ok mister goalie man, I’m awake. Can I say hi to your friends?

KesselRun81Parsecs: Hi, Ava. I had a cancer once. Right in my testiculars, donchaknow,

I_Ron_Butterfly: I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for a seven year old girl, Phil.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Is dere anyting we can do to ‘elp either of you?

Monsters_Ball: I am fine, except I would really like a bed I can fit in. These pediatric beds only fit me if I chop off my legs at the knee. It’s annoying.

Ava_CancerKid: Can you hockey guys make it so that I don’t have cancer anymore?

NOT_BOBBY: I can punch your cancer out!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Colton, you can’t punch out cancer! You’re not that tough.

NOT_BOBBY: Awwwww, nuts! I wanted to punch someone out.

***Tosking_Heads, brandishing a bottle in a paper bag, has entered the chat room!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, crap. Looks like Toskala found out where we were.

Buttons_and_Beauch: Tosk, you look like you haven’t slept in a few days.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Or shaved for a week.

NOT_BOBBY: Or showered in a month.

Tosking_Heads:…

Monsters_Ball: Oh, Hallo, Toskala. I like seeing you! How are you?

Tosking_Heads: The Vesssha hatsssh you shooo mush.

Tosking_Heads: /falls down

I_Ron_Butterfly: Wait a second--this isn’t even alcohol in this bottle. It’s just iced tea.

Tosking_Heads: Booshe makes my Vesha sho bloated.

Monsters_Ball: But the iced tea will keep you up all night.

Tosking_Heads: I knowsh.

Maple Leafs chat: Pot luck Party!

I want to thank Blindfolded Tank Driver for giving me the link that talked about the Leafs having team potlucks, which inspired this MLC

***Welcome to Garnet Exelby's House Chatroom!***
KomiKazi: Hey Ex, how’s it goin’? And I smell something really good here…
Mr. XLB: Ah, it’s my special chili!
KomiKazi: Well, what makes it special?
Mr. XLB: It’s the, um, the chili I make. That’s why it’s special.
KomiKazi: Sorry, man. It’s just that…after some time in Montreal, you learn there are just some places you don’t want to refer to something as “Special”, lemme tell you that.
Mr. XLB: Nah, I understand. What’s that you have?
KomiKazi: Uh, I brought…cups.
Mr. XLB:…
KomiKazi: AND napkins! Sorry, I’m not much of a cook. It was either bringing in cups and napkins or making my special Ramen dogs.
Mr. XLB: Ramen dogs?
Schenn_sational: They’re my favorite! You take hot dogs, and cook ‘em, then you take the ramen and boil it in the hot dog water and then you mix up the cut hot dogs and the Ramen and you put on hot dog stuff like ketchup and relish.
Mr. XLB: That…actually sounds kinda gross.
Shenn_sational: Oh. Well, I didn’t bring that, I brought in…uh…Coke. And Pepsi. And other drinking stuff.
DethKabs4QT: I brought my special Czech happy fun time cake! I hopes you all like it!
Mr. XLB: Holy crap, that’s a lot of butter!
DethKabs4QT: Butter is good for Czechs! It keeps us strong and healthy hair.
KesselRun81Parsecs: ‘Sup bros? Bras? Studs? Buddies?
DethKabs4QT: Who is that?
Schenn_sational: Uh, guy, I think you’re after the Lambda house party. That’s a few houses down—
Happy_Trails: No Luke, he’s not just some random frat boy. It’s Phil Kessel! Come on in, Phil!
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, man. I know I’m kinda inviting myself over, but I figured I should get to know you guys some. I even made brownies for you guys!
Mr. XLB: Well, thanks, Phil.
KesselRun81Parsecs: I know, I know it was supposed to be defensemen makin’ shit, but I was all, “Man, if I’m new here, I gotta make a good first impression. Dress up n shit.”
DethKabs4QT: Did you…what is English word…for the thing and the collar?
KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, you better believe this collar’s popped!
Happy_Trails: Phil, only retards pop their collar. You look like a dog who got stitches and they have to put those cone things to keep them from eating it.
Mr. XLB: Whatever guys, chili’s done! Let’s eat!

***Several hours later….***

Schenn_sational: Man, ex, that was some good chili!
Mr. XLB: Thanks, Luke! I, uh….forgot what I was talking about.
DethKabs4QT: Phil, those were such great brownies. Thank you for bringing them.
KesselRun81Parsecs: No prob, brah. It’s some of my best stuff.
Happy_Trails: We do need to get you some better clothes, though. You should hang out with Toskala or something.
KomiKazi: Dude, or me. It’d be like “What not to Wear” except that chick you wanna punch in the lady bits won’t be there.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Toskala? Is he that goal guy who’s all ‘Laaike, I’m Vesa Toskala. I play Finnish goalie guy for hockey Leafs’?
Schenn_sational: Heeheehehee, you sound just like him. Frickin’ hilarious, man!
DethKabs4QT: Guys, why are we the only ones here?
Mr. XLB: Oh crap…I think I thought the pot luck day was today. It’s next weekend. Balls, man!
Schenn_sational: I dunno why, but I can’t stop giggling.
DethKabs4QT: You guys ever just, like, look at your hands? Like, LOOK at them?
Mr. XLB: DUDE! If you look at mine right, you see a sailboat!
Schenn_sational: I see a schooner.
KomiKazi: It’s a sailboat, dumbass!
Schenn_sational: A schooner IS a kind of sailboat!