Between work stuff, a class and a play, I'm going to be going dark for about a week or so to keep sanity. In the mean time, here is Phil Kessel being a gangsta:
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
(SCENE: DION PHANEUF, PHIL KESSEL and TOMAS KABERLE are all hanging out outside of KABERLE’s house)
PHIL KESSEL: Man, you guys every just, like, look at stars? It makes ya think, ‘cuz, like, the stars don’t give a shit if you score 30 goals or lay out some guy or whatever. They just keep spinning and going around and stuff.
TOMAS KABERLE: It really does make you wonder about stuff.
DION PHANEUF: Like fuckin’ magnets. How do they work?
KABERLE: And how Pluto may not be a planet anymore. Why is that?
KESSEL: Well, that one’s because Pluto may not be large enough, has an odd orbit, and is not the dominant object in its orbit to be considered a “true” planet,
PHANEUF: Man, that’s so wrong, you don’t even know.
KESSEL: Oh yeah, smart guy, why isn’t Pluto a planet, then?
PHANEUF: Pluto’s a dog, dumbass.
KABERLE: I never got that. How can Goofy AND Pluto both be dogs, and yet only one of them talks and wears pants?
PHANEUF: Maybe Pluto’s a dwarf dog, too.
KESSEL: I think they keep Goofy around so he can go to stores for everyone else. See, Mickey doesn’t wear shirts, so anywhere with a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy is out of the question. And Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants, so he’s not gonna be allowed anywhere. But Goofy has a shirt AND pants, so he can go anywhere.
KABERLE: What about Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck?
PHANEUF: They have dresses, but so short they may as well just be wearing shirts.
KESSEL: Then again, how the heck does Mickey have a pet dog when he’s a mouse? Wouldn’t a dog eat or squash him?
PHANEUF: Yeah, that’s all kinds of screwy right there.
PHANEUF: Man, look at all those stars and planets. Wonder how they got there and how they’re staying up there.
KESSEL: Space monkeys.
KESSEL: Yeah, space monkeys. They hold the planets in place and spin them around.
PHANEUF: If that’s so, then how come nobody’s seen any when they go up in, like, the Hubble telescope and stuff?
KESSEL: ‘Cuz—duh—space monkeys are invisible!
PHANEUF: Oh yeah. I guess I never thought of that. You learn something new every day, I guess.
KABERLE: Wow, just…are you guys seriously retarded? (ANGRY MAN IN STREET appears)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: HEY KABERLE! SHOULDA WAIVED YOUR NO-TRADE CLAUSE YOU SHITASS!
KABERLE: Hey jerk, I got something to “waive” for you. (KABERLE removes pants and shakes genitals at ANGRY MAN IN STREET)
PHANEUF: Who was that guy?
KABERLE: I don’t know. Some Harry Potter lookalike who yells at me. (awkward pause)
KESSEL: Man, there’s just miracles everywhere you look!
PHANEUF: Fuckin' rainbows after it rains, there's enough magic to blow your brains.
KESSEL: And how people’s kids look just like them.
PHANEUF: 85,000 people in one room as equals
KESSEL: Magic everywhere in this bitch, it’s all around you and you don’t even know it.
KABERLE: Holy crap…uhhh..I’m going to need to drink more if I’m going to understand you guys without having a stupid-induced aneurysm.
KESSEL: But I haven’t had anything to drink yet.
PHANEUF: Yeah, this is just water.
KABERLE: Holy shit.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
No distinct theme this week since I left it to the last minute
In clip one, AHL superstar Johnny fuckin' Mitchell shows us around his crib. Why do they always show their refrigerators on these types of shows? Anyway, he has a cute dog and a fiance who shops at Ikea:
clip two is supposedly "inside the Leafs dressing room", but it's so blurry and has such bad audio, I can't really tell what's going on.
Clip three says "Leafs crib", but it appears to have nothing to do with the Leafs and is jsut a bunch of drunk morons yelling and doing crap with a motorcycle. But I think "KAWASAWKI ALL THE WAY" needs to be a meme, and cosmic beer pong sounds like fun.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
In this new feature, various members of the Toronto Maple Leafs get a chance to share their worldviews and perspectives on a variety of issues. This time, we feature Mike Komisarek.
I know you all are probably at least as sick of the whole Tiger Woods coverage as I am. However, since I’ve been injured, I’ve had some time to think some of it over. People are wondering why an athlete would cheat on a super-hot Swedish model wife (for example), and I think I can drop some science on this to mansplain things.
Let’s use Tiger Woods as an example. Did you know his real first name is Eldrick? Eldrick Woods sounds like some place in “The Hobbit” or some shit. He went to school in southern California in a place where he was the only Blasian (I think that’s the correct name) golfer in school. Hell, he was probably the only Blasian there. Plus, golf is a really solitary sport—it’s just you and the coach most of the time. It’s not like hockey or football where you have a team to be your buddies and a second family. All in all, he’s a loner with a dorky-ass name and probably a bit of a nerd. These are the kind of guys who, if they get a chance to, like to make up for lost time.
See, to get to a professional level of a sport, it means you have to spend a lot of time practicing and training. This means that you don’t get to do a lot of other stuff—you might not get to go to dances or to prom and stuff like that because you have a tournament or something that weekend. But when you’re an athlete, it’s like being in high school, but with more hot girls AND you can actually pursue them because you have the money and availability. It’s like the energy and experience of chasing the opposite sex gets pent up and gets stronger the more pent up it is until it oozes out like a volcano. Being a pro athlete is like being in high school, except there’s no homework, you can legally drive and go to strip clubs, and all the women are legal.
As money and athletic fame increase, the likelihood of hot bitches also increases. This concept is best explained by this graph:
See? That's simple science, fools.
In conclusion, athletes cheat on hot model wives for two main reasons: because they freakin’ can, and because they’re making up for time spent alone and practicing as a teenager.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Geez, did I really spell "Friday" wrong TWO WEEKS in a row? I'm such a Whopper jr., and I will surely never be a "real" journalist. I'll live.
This week's theme is beer because for me, beer and hockey are truly two great tastes that taste great together. Sure, beer and hockey on their own are each good things. But combined they work for great justice.
Clip one: They say beer will make me dumb, it are go good with pizza. Thanks, Psychostick:
Clip two Tom T. Hall sums it up best--I Like Beer
Clip three: Hockey: the drinking game. You're welcome
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
(I'd like to thank Wrap Around Curl for giving me the idea of Wallin as a Zoolander during a late-night chat.)
Hi there, Leafs Fans. Rickard Wallin here. Listen, I know my stats have some of you less than impressed. But that's ok, because I am undergoing a growth process. See, before I got to Toronto, there was only one thing on my mind: being really, really good looking:
I know some of you are wondering why I had such good stats in Swedish Elite League and yet I was so invisible for Toronto this year. One reason for that is that the Leafs uniforms are blue and white. My Swedish teammate and buddy Jonas Gustavsson was all "Wowie! Toronto is such a famous franchise!" and I'm like "Earth to Jonas! They're dressing us like Finland! Everyone knows that Finland's in, like, Africa or something and they're walking failure sacks." And then Jonas goes "But Rickard, Finland is right next to Sweden, you should know that." And I'm like, "Earth to Jonas, I was making a joke! I knew Finland wasn't in Africa the whole time!" Then we went for orange mocha frappuccinos and it was all cool.
The truth is, I have a horrible condition that prevents me from getting to my full potential as a player. See, can't shoot or turn right. I'm not an ambi-skater. It's something I've struggled with my whole life.
I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Sometimes, I think of quitting hockey and becoming a eugoogleizer--you know, the people that speak at funerals? Yes, I know what a eugoogooly is. I also want to help people. I want to open a school called the Rickard Wallin Centre For Kids Who Can't Play Hockey Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, and I'll teach them that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. For instance, I can teach them to paddle a canoe like a boss:
Thursday, April 1, 2010
YEAH, YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONE, HUH? Suckers. I'm still a Leafs fan and still single (woo!) It seems a lot of you noticed my prank and I hope you at least got a chuckle. Onto the clips!
This week's theme is haircuts because I could use one. I'm seriously like Grabovski levels of crazy right now. And besides, I had "My New Haircut" running through my head one day at work, and I needed an excuse to watch it 5 times in a row.
Apparently, when you type in "hockey haircut", this hockey themed parody of "my new haircut" comes up. I can't help but think that the world needs a remake of this done with Phil Kessel as the star (language NSFW):
But it can't hold a candle to the original (language NSFW) No matter how many times I see this, the line "Yeah I take steroids, I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner" still gets me giggling:
clip three is a pictures and dramatic music montage of Mikhail Grabovski's NHL career in summary. It really needed "where stabbing pineapples happens"