Obligatory reflections on JFJ

So it seems that John Ferguson, Jr. has become even more of a whipping boy than he already was. There are plenty of “Fergie sucks and should be peddling for change on the street corner” type posts out there on the series of tubes, so instead I’m going to do something a bit different. I’m going to list some facts about Fergie to show how truly awesome the guy is because frankly, he could use a friend. (blatant rip-off of Chuck Norris facts, but who cares?)

JFJ facts:

• Fergie was born in 1967 (July 7, to be exact). The last time the Leafs won a Cup was also 1967. Coincidence or conspiracy? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Ferguson_Jr.
• Fergie as a degree in Business Administration. There’s no punch line here, but based on my personal experience, that makes him an asshole.
• Fergie will get you drunk, get you love drunk off his humps (only one of those, I swear)
• Fergie puts enough pepper on his food to make the Pope cry
• There is no evolution, only a list of animals Fergie hasn’t tried to sign as free agents.
• Fergie was originally slated to start in the Die Hard movies, but he couldn’t keep his head up long enough to say “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” He also took that famous catchphrase as a personal insult, especially the “melonfarmer” version
• Fergie set up us the bomb.
• Fergie didn’t start the fire, but he did throw some kerosene on it
• If you look into a mirror and say “John Ferguson Jr.” three times…a kitten dies somewhere in the world
• Every time Fergie says something stupid in a press conference, God punches a chicken
• Fergie never expected the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, the Spanish Inquisition just looked at him and said, “Forget it—he’ll screw himself over soon enough. Let’s just get some lunch.”

Feel free to contribute more facts if you find them.

Youtube Yoinkage for November 30, 2007

Let's just jump right on in, shall we?

Clip one: LA Kings on MadTV:

I’m not really a fan of “MadTV”, but this is pretty good stuff. Highlights include “hockey players are easy”, the “chin guard”, Tom Kostopoulos and Scott Thornton are lovers, and Sean Avery’s knee-highs/breeches combination.




Clip two: Just to Even things up from www.budblog.com : Not a video clip, but it’s good fun. Just listen with headphones if you’re at work or around people : http://budblog.com/?page_id=323

Clip Three: The Impossible Dream from "The Man of LaMancha."(skip to about 1:30 in for the actual song) Norte over at He Score He Shoot got me thinking of this. Personally, I think it sums up the leafs quite well, especially the first two lines.

In Which I Attempt Motivate the Leafs to Win a Coddamn Game

Okay boyos, I didn't want to do this. I never wanted to resort to something like reverse psychology, but considering your play as of late, I suppose that desperate times call for desperate measures. So take THIS!

there you go.

Wednesday Snarky Joke: November 28, 2007

This feature was once known as "Wednesday Bar Joke." However, I'm kind of sick of looking for "Appropriate" (meaning Greener won't complain at me) funny bar jokes that I haven't heard before. Most of them were either 1)ones I had heard many times before 2)would give Greener nightmares or 3) not funny. Instead, I'll just put up some snarky joke to continue with a regular feature :

A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says "What are you staring at? You never did anything crazy in your life?" The old man turns and says, "Sure I have... I had sex with a peacock years back and I'm wondering if you're my son".

stolen from www.lotsofjokes.com (I modified the grammar a bit, however)

Being Todd Bertuzzi

(photo credit: AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Richard Lam)Yoinked from Yahoo Sports

I have nothing against Todd Bertuzzi, even if I should, because I just don't care. That being said, my first thought when I saw this picture:

"Dude, I'm Todd Bertuzzi, I'm goin' back to Van, man....you got any quarters? I got some major munchies from the bowl I just smoked, brah, and those Lays in the vending machine are just, like, calling my name, you know? Heh. Heheheheheh. Hockey is awesome. Hehhehheh."

I Knew There Was A Reason I Liked Bacon Better

I don't have the strength to come up with a witty introduction to this one. Just enjoy.

Memo to the Leafs: RE: playing the Coyotes

OK guys, I haven't been saying much about the record, mainly because my mom always taught me to not criticize how someone is doing something unless you can do a better job of it. I can't play hockey, so I've been keeping my mouth shut so far.

That changes tonight. You're playing the Phoenix Coyotes tonight. Sweet Jesus, if you guys screw the pooch on this one, like you screwed up this and this, I swear I'm going to cry. Look at that face (the one on the right , in the "Girl Scouts Gone Wild" shirt) Is that a face you want crying?
Bloody hell...

True, they have Ilya Bryzgalov, who is a good goalie. I like him as well, although it's only because every time I see him, I think of this:




So yeah, just think of that. He's only human after all, right? Just threaten to send him back to Russia or something. I dunno. That's why you guys are doing this and not me.

November 23 is Friday Youtube Goodness Day!

This clip is from a few years back (Hell, it features Tie Domi, Trevor Kidd, Tom Fitzgerald and Ken Klee) when Conan O’Brien trained with these Leafers. I’m honestly surprised that Gary Bettman hasn’t thought of the “small piece of furniture on odd numbered nights” yet. My personal highlights are the following: the new equipment, Trevor Kidd’s “magic trick”, and Conan trying to score. Maybe it’s him in a Leafs sweater, but he seems to really look like Wade Belak to me. Maybe I just need to get more sleep.



A few weeks ago I put up this video. It turns out that Scotty Hockey had a better Granger ad up his sleeve. I felt obliged to put it here:


Nothing to really do with hockey, except 1)it was over at wayoffside
and 2) it's greatness in a can:

This Week in "WTF?"

Because after all, nothing says "Happy Holidays" quite like a collection of coddamn shrunken heads

These have actually been up since a few days after Halloween, but I only got around to taking a picture tonight. I tried to get in a good shot but they were put up too high for me (plus I didn't want to look like I was casing the store in order to rob it.)

Tastes Great!! Less Filling!

In all seriousness, I feel as if I'm the only chick I know who isn't totally enthralled by Grey's Anatomy. Maybe it's supposed to be a chick thing, but I really don't know. Then again, I'm not the type of woman to go after typical chick things. Sure, eating ice cream when you're sad is okay, but so is drinking hard alcohol and watching explodey movies. It is in this spirit that I present my take on Grey's . From what other people have told me (although mostly men who have said this), it's rather accurate. Appreciate! (just lacks something...)

I mean, I was reading up on this series (Thank you, Wikipedia!), and there's one episode where the main plot line is an STD outbreak among the staff. Mother of God. More humping!

Wednesday Bar Joke, November 21, 2007

Yoinked from www.lotsofjokes.com

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Soy un perdedor (actually perdedora for gender agreement, but I don't speak Spanish so what do I care?)

If you have no interest in Loser Domi's personal life, please stop reading now. Better yet, just read one of the past posts over again. This one's pretty good, as are this and this one.

(Shirt image stolen from http://ex-it.com.ar/novedades/?cat=3 which, for some reason, came up when I Googled "Soy un perdedor".)

I'll be honest--I started out my university career as a French major. At one point, I used to love it. Now, I'm terribly disillusioned with it--every French course I have to go to is a chore, almost an endurance test. I haven't been happy with the major since at least halfway though last school year.

While I've known that I must switch out of French, the main problem I've had/am having is the question of what area to switch to. I mean, it seems like a waste of time for me to switch to a major if I'm just going to end up becoming disillusioned with that as well. After lots of reflection and quite a few late-night marathon chats with close people, here's the game plan for me:

I'll go from a Major in French to a Major in Sociology with a minor in French. I'm only one course away from the French minor, so I might as well snap that up--it looks good on paper. Plus, during my first year and a half I took 4 sociology courses, so it's not like I'm jumping into something completely unknown. Hell, one of the professors thinks I'm some sort of genius and she still says hi whenever I see her around campus even though I haven't had a class of hers in almost three years. Plus sociology just sounds important; much more so than French. It seems interesting enough as a field of study and it may me marginally more applicable in the working world than French would be (although considering the best I’ll probably have to look forward to is some sort of meaningless office job, neither is really applicable.)

One of the best parts is that I’ll never again have to be put onstage at parties. Usually when I tell people that I am a French major, they ask me to speak French, which is annoying as all Hell. Is that normal, to ask someone to perform his or her major? If you’re an accounting major, I don’t ask you to count to ten without using your fingers, do I? Also, I won’t have the assumption that I will be a teacher and I won’t have to explain how much I hate the kids I would be teaching.

I’ll share a little story—when I was in high school my older sister graduated from her university and came back to my school to teach introductory French and Spanish. I still marvel at the fact that she didn’t end up smacking some of those kids (middle and high school aged) around—I had seen them in action and they were little self-centered monsters. Then again, my sister is much more patient with other people than I can ever hoe to be (besides, she isn’t teaching any more.) People talk about how rewarding it is to teach, but I don’t really see the reward. All I see is a bunch of outside work—reading papers, making quizzes and such—and the kids end up not respecting you. I try to keep that in mind whenever I bitch about writing a paper—I’m just glad that I don’t have to mark 30+ of the damn things.

At this point, I’m not sure where I’m going, either with my path or with this post. But, what I do know is that I am going somewhere. Does that still count for anything?

Stop...SAMMICH TIME!

Matt Foy deserves a sammich! It's as good excuse as any to post this picture again:

In Which I Actually Remember Something

When I was in high school, I got the chance to participate in a program called Math Science Upward Bound during the summer. In a nutshell, it was supposed to provide kids like me (supposedly smart with 6 weeks to kick around the Vermont Technical College campus during the summer) with the opportunity to get a "head start" on what it would be like in college. We chose different classes we wanted to be in. One of the ones I was in was a biotechnology-type course.

Why do I mention this? I may have a crappy memory, but I remember one activity we did where we extracted DNA from some sort of plant matter (leaves, melon slices swiped from the cafeteria, stuff like that) though some process (I remember blenders were involved, but the rest of the process is kind of fuzzy.) Anyway, what I do remember is that it had to sit in something for several hours in order to extract the DNA from it.

It is with this inspiration that I present "CSI: Real Life" Enjoy! (I gotta get a thesaurus or something.)

Friday YouTube Gooodness (The extra O is for "O boy these are great")

Clip one: Well, I did a search for the song “Me Like Hockey” by Arrogant Worms (who are excellent, by the way.) The only videos for it were this and a really, really shitty MS paint montage. I couldn’t sit through they MS paint one—it was that bad. So instead, here’s the “Full Metal Alchemist” version.



Clip two: "Wayne Gretzky" by Goldfinger
I did a search for “Wayne Gretzky drunk” with the intention of finding the end interview of “The Boys on the Bus” which includes a drunken Gretz near the end, if I remember correctly. Instead, this was one of the first things to come up. Besides, haven’t we all wondered what it would be like to have sex with the Great one?



Clip Three: Bryan McCabe "Tribute" (quotes are mine)
This is stolen from www.pensionplanpuppets.com (great folk over there.) I saw this and couldn't stop giggling through it.

...this...sucks...

I..am...so...pissed...off...right...now...

oops

I forgot to note that the verse spoken when Chuck Norris comes from here. It's an awesome cartoon, and I love the song--I guarantee it will stay on your head ALL DAY LONG. But it's ok because it's so great. Enjoy!

Go Puck Yourself

(So sorry for the long post, but I can't figure out how to do a jump yet. Again, I apologize.)

Imagine, if you will, a world in which Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi are given a television talk show to host. This is what I think that world would be like.


Announcer Guy: …and now here are the hosts of “Go Puck Yourself”, Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi! (Darcy and Tie walk out onto a stage that is minimally decorated, but with 2 chairs and a large sack and sit down. Imaginary audience cheers and applauds.)
Darcy Tucker: ‘Morning
Tie Domi: How’s it goin’? (etc.)
Tucker: So yeah, welcome to Go Puck Yourself. I’m Darcy Tucker and he’s Tie Domi
Domi: But enough about us— let’s start the show. (opens a sack filled with letters) Today’s letter comes from Eric VanDerLing of Sookasoul, Wisconsin. Eric asks, “Dear Darcy, would you ever engage in a cage fight with Sean Avery for charity? I think it would be kick-ass.” The guy’s right—it would be pretty kick-ass.
Tucker: For charity? Hells’ bells, I’d do it for free, especially after the cancer thing.
Domi: It was a supremely douchey move, to say the least.
Tucker: It totally was! Now I have to get him back somehow, I have to … (thinking)
Domi: I smell burning, Tucks.
Tucker:I got it! Domi-what’s the only type of joke that’s even more crass than a cancer joke?
Domi: A dead baby joke?
Tucker: Um…besides that. You know what it is? An AIDS joke! It’s so simple! All I have to do is somehow infect Sean Avery with AIDS and then we can makes AIDS jokes about him. That’ll show him to make fun of Jason Blake!
Domi: How does that mean you win? Yeah making fun of cancer isn’t cool, but infecting someone with a deadly disease is just…cruel and heartless. It’s just wrong, Tucks. It’s wrong!
Tucker: If Avery had thought of it first he would use it!
Late on at Avery’s place…
Domi: What are we doing here, again?
Tucker:What does it look like? I’ve got this bucket of AIDS infected blood and I’m going to throw it at Avery when he opens the door.
Domi: Where did you…I shouldn’t even ask.
Tucker: Hammerspace is a wonderful thing, Domi
Domi: I meant where did you get…never mind.
Tucker: (rings doorbell) Housecleaning!
Domi: Mormons!
Tucker: No, Domi—we’re trying to get him to open the door, remember?
Domi: What’s with this “we” business? Screw this, I’m getting out of here. (Domi leaves, Sean Avery opens the door and walks out)
Avery: Hello…that’s a bucket of blood you’re going to throw at me, isn’t it? Lovely cashmere throw for protection!
Tucker: SHIT! Not the lovely cashmere throw!

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus
Down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones
into the crotch of…

Avery: (screams in terrible pain)
who fell onto the ground writhing in pain
Avery: NOO!! No longer will I be able to bone hot blonds!
Tucker: Nice work, Chuck—(Chuck Norris administers a double-reverse-roundhouse kick to Tucker, who then falls on the ground, bloody and unconscious. Domi enters from behind a potted plant of some sort.)
Domi: Thanks for coming in, Chuck. I was afraid that was going to get out of hand really easily. And oh yeah, Chuck, could you do one more thing for me? (Domi attempts to squirt lemon juice into Chuck’s eyes to get him to cry but gets a punch in the face instead. Chuck walks away)
Chuck: You think I would fall for the old, "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer" bit? I beseech you, Domi
END

Wednesday Bar Joke: November 14, 2007

In an attempt to find its identity as a blog, The Wonderful World of Loser Domi will be trying out different regular features to see how the audience of six will react. With this feature, I’ll share a joke that somehow involves some entity in a bar. Let me know what you think in the comments.

A seal walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sure thing--what'll you have ?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

(joke stolen from www.lotsofjokes.com)

Monday Night Hate Speech (not THAT kind of hate...)

In an attempt to find its identity as a blog, The Wonderful World of Loser Domi will be trying out different regular features to see how the audience of six will react. With this feature, I’ll start a rant about something that has been annoying me for some time. Today’s topic: hand dryers.

I loathe you, hand dryers. Why? Because you’re useless, annoying and one of the most irritating inventions ever. I’ll explain:

First, hand dryers go on for thirty seconds (trust me, I’ve timed this.) What really bugs me about this is that when most people use a hand dryer, they rub their hands for maybe 5 seconds and then walk away. I don’t know why people do this as your hands are never dry in that amount of time. Hell, I’ve stayed under for the full thirty seconds and my hands still remain wet. I’m not an expert, but think about it—if a person leaves after 5 seconds, that mean that there are 25 seconds of wasted hot air being pumped out by these little machines. Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that if you add up all the hand dryers on, say, a university campus, and figure a bathroom is being used many times a day, that adds up to a lot of hot air being wasted. This wasted electricity can’t possibly be good for the environment, which is one of the main arguments there for hand dryers (it says so on the thing itself.)
Hand dryers are also useless if you spill something or in the event of a sink overflow. I present the following scene as a dramtic re-enactment:

“Oh no, I spilled my coffee on the floor! *pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*
*pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*
*pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*

And so on. I suppose in a situation like that you could use toilet paper, but in my experience, if you’re in a place that uses a hand dryer, the toilet paper there is that thin-as-a-heroin-fiend stuff that turns into a soupy, sloppy mess if you so much as look at it the wrong way.
About the only use a hand dryer might have is if you have cold hands and need a place to warm up. Maybe they should install hand dryers in doctor’s offices. It certainly would have made my physical today a little more pleasant. Then again, I get the impression that hand dryers are filthy apparatus. I don’t know why this is, since there are plenty more germ-laden surfaces in a bathroom like the door handles, the faucets and such.

What really steams me is that due to hand dryers, I canot participate in the “official” way to wash my hands to prevent the spread of flu and other such germs. Here’s a picture of an official Government of Québec poster:



Now, let’s look at it closer, so you can read it:



I can follow this….


I’m with you so far, Government of Québec….


Ummm…what’s that I see? It looks like a paper towel!


You’re asking me to do the impossible! There ARE NO PAPER TOWELS HERE!


I am now in direct violation of the recommendations of the government—thanks a lot, you over-glorified air vent.
So fuck you, hand dryers. Fuck you very much

Loser Domi Presents...The Realistic Fan

I've always wondered what would happen if the below situation were to happen. It's especially interesting to think of it because of where I am. It's southern QC, so it's deep Canadiens territory, but then through the university, we get get lots of people from the Toronto (Leafs fans) and Ottawa (senators) areas. Needless to say, I've been witness to several Habs vs.Leafs vs. Sens arguments at bars and whatnot. That's usually when I shout out "Go Whalers!" to mess with some heads. Sometimes it works, but they usually just give me an odd look and then continue arguing among themselves.

Your Friday YouTube Thingy

OK sports fans, this week around the blogs I read has been, needless to say, stressful. It's been kind of rough for some bloggers around here, so instead of doing a normal make it about hockey post, I'm just going to post three vids that always get me laughing.

Clip one: (read this first if you don't know rap) British people + American rap = really funny



Clip two: I mean no respect to armed forces here. It's mere incongrutiy here. It's the hippo in a tutu. It's...(hit play)


Clip three: hey, everyone loves a good nut shot! and they're short, so let's do two for one:

No-One Dies Harder Than John LeClair

Stolen from Way Offside (they're good folks, really), comes this news. No word on whether or not it was Team Ramrod who pulled him over

As a fellow Vermonter, I feel I should throw my own spin on this, but frankly, I'm not that surprised this has happened. For those of you know in the know (Hell, I had to look it up) here is Milton, Vermont in all it's glory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton%2C_Vermont. It's kinda sorta closeish to St. Albans, which is where LeClair is from.

I've made this crack before on other blogs, but with Johnny boozin' and crusin' and Eric Lindros retiring, I wonder if Mikael Renberg is gong to be up to anything soon...

and oh yeah...this might help explain the title. It's so awesome, you should sit down in order to behold it. Consider it a preview/bonus for Friday's YouTube Thingy (I can't think of a name--any suggestions, anyone?)

Poor Guy...

Stolen from Deadspin, so I'll just have you pop over there and read it.

MEMO:Jiri Tlusty.

I don't know how people are in the Czech Republic, but in North America, when pictures like this or of this (NSFW) ilk appear on the Internet, we usually just say that we were drunk/high at the time and that makes it all ok.

Best Regards,
Kim (Loser Domi)

PS--why did it have to be someone I wanted to boink that's rumoured to be gay? Shit.

Wednesday Bar Joke, Nov. 7, '07

Wednesday Bar joke

In an attempt to find its identity as a blog, The Wonderful World of Loser Domi will be trying out different regular features to see how the audience of six will react. With this feature, I’ll share a joke that somehow involves some entity walking into a bar. Let me know what you think in the comments.

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

Once Upon a Time, There Was a Party...

I'm not sure what caused this to come about, but it made me giggle. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to isolate the panels or do anything like that, so you'll still have to do the scrolling sidways and vertically at the same time. Sorry about that. Plus Tim Horton's head was really hard to draw. Anyway, enjoy!

Somtimes the Jokes Just Write Themselves

Sporked from the NHL Rumors section on Yahoo Sports (which is usually good for a laugh anyway) :

"Jagr struggling with new sticks

Sunday, Nov 4, 2007 7:48 am EST

New York Rangers captain Jaromir Jagr is having lumber problems. According to the New York Daily News, Jagr is getting used to a new set of sticks because Reebok doesn't make his preferred model anymore. He doesn't like the grip on the new model.

"Look at this, just touch the stick, how slippery it is. How am I supposed to shoot?" Jagr said. "I don't get it," he said. "I play with the same sticks for 20 years and I have to change it because they stopped making it. I've got no choice. I have to adjust."

Source: New York Daily News"

(see? Unlike other evil bloggers, I cite the stuff I steal. Somehow in my little warped mind, that makes it OK)

I don't play hockey, so I'm not an expert in equipment, but Jags probably has a legitimate concern here. On the other hand, it allows people like me to make easy stick jokes. Double entendres are fun, and I've been getting my ass kicked by schoolwork, so I feel like I should be able to get away with an easy joke like this.

YouTubular to the MAX!

So, it's Friday (well, Thursday evening, which is close enough for me) which means that once again I'll post three odd clips from YouTube that I can somehow finagle a way to be about hockey. This week has been kicking the crap out of me and will continue to do so until mid-to late next week, which means posting will once again fall by the way side. I also picked clips that are more obviously hockey-related this time.

Clip one I have had stuck in my head off and on for the past three days. Under the thinking of "The best part of a bad mood is spreading it around" (I've got a nice, shiny +1 to those who understand the reference), I present The 1989 Calgary Flames and "Red Hot" :


Clip two is for Kevin over at Barry Melrose Rocks. It's his main man/alter ego Jeremy Roenick bustin' moves as a broken pane of glass gets fixed:


Clip three is for a fellow BMR frequenter Scotty Hockey. It's a Rangers commercial done a few years back, in which Jaromir Jagr tries to teach Bobby Granger (I think that's the guy's name) how to speak Czech. I love all of the Granger ads, but this one was my introduction to them, so it holds a special place in my heart: