Friday, November 30, 2007

Obligatory reflections on JFJ

So it seems that John Ferguson, Jr. has become even more of a whipping boy than he already was. There are plenty of “Fergie sucks and should be peddling for change on the street corner” type posts out there on the series of tubes, so instead I’m going to do something a bit different. I’m going to list some facts about Fergie to show how truly awesome the guy is because frankly, he could use a friend. (blatant rip-off of Chuck Norris facts, but who cares?)

JFJ facts:

  • Fergie was born in 1967 (July 7, to be exact). The last time the Leafs won a Cup was also 1967. Coincidence or conspiracy?
  • Fergie as a degree in Business Administration. There’s no punch line here, but based on my personal experience, that makes him an asshole.
  • Fergie will get you drunk, get you love drunk off his humps (only one of those, I swear)
  • Fergie puts enough pepper on his food to make the Pope cry
  • There is no evolution, only a list of animals Fergie hasn’t tried to sign as free agents.
  • Fergie was originally slated to start in the Die Hard movies, but he couldn’t keep his head up long enough to say “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” He also took that famous catchphrase as a personal insult, especially the “melonfarmer” version
  • Fergie set up us the bomb.
  • Fergie didn’t start the fire, but he did throw some kerosene on it
  • If you look into a mirror and say “John Ferguson Jr.” three times…a kitten dies somewhere in the world
  • Every time Fergie says something stupid in a press conference, God punches a chicken
  • Fergie never expected the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, the Spanish Inquisition just looked at him and said, “Forget it—he’ll screw himself over soon enough. Let’s just get some lunch.”

Feel free to contribute more facts if you find them.



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