Monday Night Hate Speech (not THAT kind of hate...)

In an attempt to find its identity as a blog, The Wonderful World of Loser Domi will be trying out different regular features to see how the audience of six will react. With this feature, I’ll start a rant about something that has been annoying me for some time. Today’s topic: hand dryers.

I loathe you, hand dryers. Why? Because you’re useless, annoying and one of the most irritating inventions ever. I’ll explain:

First, hand dryers go on for thirty seconds (trust me, I’ve timed this.) What really bugs me about this is that when most people use a hand dryer, they rub their hands for maybe 5 seconds and then walk away. I don’t know why people do this as your hands are never dry in that amount of time. Hell, I’ve stayed under for the full thirty seconds and my hands still remain wet. I’m not an expert, but think about it—if a person leaves after 5 seconds, that mean that there are 25 seconds of wasted hot air being pumped out by these little machines. Now, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that if you add up all the hand dryers on, say, a university campus, and figure a bathroom is being used many times a day, that adds up to a lot of hot air being wasted. This wasted electricity can’t possibly be good for the environment, which is one of the main arguments there for hand dryers (it says so on the thing itself.)
Hand dryers are also useless if you spill something or in the event of a sink overflow. I present the following scene as a dramtic re-enactment:

“Oh no, I spilled my coffee on the floor! *pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*
*pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*
*pushes button on the dryer, waits for thrity seconds*

And so on. I suppose in a situation like that you could use toilet paper, but in my experience, if you’re in a place that uses a hand dryer, the toilet paper there is that thin-as-a-heroin-fiend stuff that turns into a soupy, sloppy mess if you so much as look at it the wrong way.
About the only use a hand dryer might have is if you have cold hands and need a place to warm up. Maybe they should install hand dryers in doctor’s offices. It certainly would have made my physical today a little more pleasant. Then again, I get the impression that hand dryers are filthy apparatus. I don’t know why this is, since there are plenty more germ-laden surfaces in a bathroom like the door handles, the faucets and such.

What really steams me is that due to hand dryers, I canot participate in the “official” way to wash my hands to prevent the spread of flu and other such germs. Here’s a picture of an official Government of Québec poster:



Now, let’s look at it closer, so you can read it:



I can follow this….


I’m with you so far, Government of Québec….


Ummm…what’s that I see? It looks like a paper towel!


You’re asking me to do the impossible! There ARE NO PAPER TOWELS HERE!


I am now in direct violation of the recommendations of the government—thanks a lot, you over-glorified air vent.
So fuck you, hand dryers. Fuck you very much