Secret Diaries: Andrew Raycroft to Join the Black Parade

(ANDREW RAYCRFOT is alone in the dressing room)

Christcakes I'm emo.

I can't say I'm all that surprised. Earlier I was reading my fanmail—3 today—and who wouldn't be depressed with letters like these:

“Dear King Asshat of Suckville, (I threw that one out right away)”

“Dear Andrew Raycroft, I'm writing this letter for my little sister. She says to tell you “ I love you Andrew Raycroft! You are the best goalie ever! You want to be my friend?” P.S.: my sister is blind and mentally handicapped. Go Sens!”

“Dear Mr. Raycroft, I am a career and guidance counselor at Christwagons Catholic High School. In my job, I evaluate people's abilities and recommend an appropriate job for them. Mr. Raycroft, have you ever considered joining a cult? They don't even have to pay taxes, you know. Even working on a hobby can improve a person. I suggest knitting (nooses) or jumping off bridges.”

Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a useless husk of an imitation goalie. There's only one way I can possibly release all of this emotional tension (grabs razor blade, puts on Sarah McLachlan) Atta girl, Sarah...(singing as he cuts) In the arrrrrms offff an anngel, flyy awaaaaaayyyyyyyy fromm herrrreee (VESA TOSKALA enters, RAYCROFT tries to hide what he's doing and fails)

TOSKALA: What the hell are you doing? (Grabs RAYCROFT's hand) Down the Highway, NOT across the street. Idiot. (leaves)

RAYCROFT: may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt herrrrrrrrrree

>

Under Construction

Howdy ho, Domiteers! I'm just going to be rearranging the blog, trying out new looks and such. I've also added a blogroll of "some awesome folks I read" (mainly to keep myself straight.) I tried to do it from memory, but alas, I doubt know I got everyone. If you want me to add your blog/correct the address leave it in the comments and I'll add it. Thanks!

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 28, 2008

Technorati Profile


OK, after last night and this past week, I think what we all need is a FYY that's all awesome stuff.


Clip one: Paxilback—a parody that's at least 100 times better than the original. Plus, after last night, I think most Leafs fans feel like some Paxil:



Clip two: QUITE FRANKLY I BELIEVE THAT THESE MUST BE THE LOST DAUGHTERS OF STEPHEN A. SMITH. NOBODY ELSE COULD SHARE THEIR DADDY'S FINE LOVE OF DELICIOUS CHEEZ DOODLES
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sent via a Blackberry wireless device



Clip three: Poker night with some great heroes:

LolLeafs: What the Hell do I Write about Now? Edition

BIG thanks to all you fine folks who kept up with and commented on the Leafer Madness series. Now I just have to think of a way to top it...until then, more LolLeafs for everybody!

photo one: Dave Sandford/Getty Images
photo two: AP Photo/David Duprey
Photo three: AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Fred Chartrand

Fun with flow charts

Look, I know this is somebody else's work, and I shouldn't take credit for it. In fact, I got it here.
Thing is, it's too great to pass up. I mean, how can I not post something containing the phrase, "Did Darcy Tucker just go fucking apeshit for no apparent reason?"

Response to Leafs Fan reaction 75 (Ish)

I was intending to put this post as a response to the following video, but all my thoughts ended up exceeding YouTube's 500 character limit. Here's the video in question:



First off, even IF (HUGE if here) the Leafs make the playoffs, they'll just get curbstomped by the team they're playing (probably Montreal or Pittsburgh). Even though making the playoffs would be nice, we'd pretty much just be issuing an easy second round entry for that team. So it's like we still lose if we make the playoffs or no.

Second, about Ovechkin and the MVP, I say give it to him simply because of COURSE people will like Malkin better since he's on the Pengiuns. He has an incredible support backing him up—Crosby (duh) Staal, etc. To back him up, Alex Ovechkin has...Backstrom and...uh...*crickets chirp*

I hope that even if the Leafs miss the playoffs again at least the Caps will. I know, I know, for that some people will call me a traitor, but hear me out on this. I'd much rather see the Caps instead of the Panthers simply because as a jokester/philosopher poet” ( last paragraph), I see a lot more joke opportunities for jokes when talking about the caps instead of the Panthers. All I can think about for the Panthers is something along the lines of “Panthers have the cutting edge” (I'm so going to Hell for that but at least my friends will all be there.) Come on—Caps have opportunities for Segway jokes, Russian internet brides,OVIE TIME!!! In short, much better posts will result.

Friday/Thursday night Youtube Yoinkage, March 21, 2008

Clip 1: “The Six Million Peso Man” I brought this up over at Pension Plan Puppets yesterday—if Carlo Colaiacovo grew his hair out and added a badass mustache, he'd totally look like the six million Peso man. Personally, I love the first five seconds.



clip 2 : “Being a Leafs Fan on YouTube”, from Steve Dangle. I first stared watching his stuff when he got featured over at Barry Melrose Rocks. And no, Scotty, this “poor kid” is not my boyfriend. He's kinda cute, I'll admit it...Make of that what you will, folks. All I know is this particular clip made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt every time I've seen it.



clip 3: Denis Leary's “I'm An Asshole”, dedicated to a very special leprechaun NHL commissioner

Leafer Madness, FINAL CHAPTER

(KABERLE is near the edge of a breakdown)

KABERLE: (To self) but I can't hurt my teammates for my own advancement! Such is not my way—it is so cruel and barbaric not to mention messy...

TUCKER:(to self, hiding behind a bush) heh, heh, heh, “only the good die young”, I said. HA! I can't believe how easy it was to get Death. It was like beating twelve Sean Averys at once! Wait a second—is that...Kabs? How is Mr. Ferdinand the Bull still alive? He couldn't—

KABERLE: --hurt a fly. But I suppose I must do what I...must. And I must expand my vocabulary. Hold on...did I hear something behind this bush (sees TUCKER moving)

TUCKER: Um...no, just your imagination.

KABERLE: I didn't want to hurt you, Darcy, but I have to do something (TUCKER attempts to fight KABERLE, but he finds that he is already a ghost and therefore cannot grasp anything)

TUCKER:KABS! Wait! I'm already dead!

(cut to DR. SHRINKSKY'S office)

BETTMAN:...and that's when I wake up.

DR. SHRINKSKY:Now, how does that make you feel, Gary? (a Rambo-ized KABERLE bursts in through the door brandishing an Uzi)

KABERLE: I. Don't. CARE. about his feelings.

BETTMAN:Kaberle? I—but, where did you come from?

KABERLE:I snuck in through a plot hole. How else would I get in here? And how DARE you put me and my team throught that terrible island and write it all off as “just a dream!” How DARE you use such a trite cliche!But now, it'll be ok. I can avenge the deaths of my comradesand it will all be al right, somehow.

BETTMAN:Tomas, there's about five people reading this blog, I don't think using a cop-out ending is such a huge deal--

DR. SHRINKSKY:Mr., Kaberle, could you put down the gun, please

KABERLE: Oh, I'll put the gun down...later (bloodbath ensues)

Tomas Kaberle survived the island a changed and shaken man. His darker side emerged and he re-entered the world a wanted man. He decided to seek out those who had done him wrong. More importantly, he learned to run. And so he ran...and our story is finished

Obligatory St. Partick's Day Post

Wha? huh? so tired...here are some singing Muppets

Bryan McCabe Makes Me Giggle

Photo credit: Photo By Dave Sandford/Getty Images Is he trying to do the Macarena? Is he like, "Come on, fhqwhgads, I say come on fhqwhgads..."


Here is is auditioning for a new episode of COPS (Photo credit :AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Frank Gunn) I love how the suit is just holding him back, like, "Excuse me, sir, would you please keep you voice down? "



Photo Credit: AP Photo/Mary Schwalm, It's funny just for the expression on his face, but it gets even better when you read th official caption supplied by Yahoo:
Toronto Maple Leafs' Matt Stajan, second from left, is congratulated by teammates Alexander Steen (10), Nik Antropov, second from right, of Kazakhstan, and Mats Sundin (13), of Sweden, after scoring a goal in the second period of an NHL hockey game against the Boston Bruins on Thursday, March 6, 2008, in Boston.

o...kay.

And because I can (and because it's awesome), here's that classic youtube tribute to Bryan McCabe


and I'm off like a prom dress!

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 14, 2008

Well, the Leafs keep adding wins to make me feel good, I've got good friends to be with this weekend for my birthday on Sunday. I've also got a metric crappe-tonne of work to do that I am slacking off on. Will it screw me over? Oh Hell Yeah. But do I care? Right now, not really. That's why this week's FYY theme is a mother-fuckin' dance PARTY!!! That's right--it's just music that makes me groove and boogie.

Clip one: Electric Six, " I Buy the Drugs" I've been looking for an excuse to post this forever because I love it that much. But a dance party is good enough:


Clip two: Bloodhound Gang, "Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss" At 1:42, feel free to make your own Kyle Wellwood joke if you wish to do so:


Clip three: Carbon/Silicon, "The News" This one just makes me feel all bouncy and such:

Leafer Madness, Part 10

Last Chapter coming next week, Hombres!

KABERLE :(to self) But I can't kill another human being! I couldn't harm anything
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Sure you can
KABERLE : GAH! What was that?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: It's just me, Carlo. Well, it isn't actually me. I'm really a figment of your imagination.
KABERLE : A hallucination?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Not really. More like you just replaying stuff over in your head. Look, you've been really lucky so far. You're one of the three people left and you haven't killed anybody. You haven't caused so much as a scratch on another human being.
KABERLE : But I can't possibly kill or hurt another human being
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:You're going to harm another person eventually. Anyone who says they haven't done that in theie lives hasn't lived long enough
KABERLE : But I—
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:I don't care. Kabs, sooner or later, you'll have to get your hands dirty. I know you don't like the sound of it, but you will.
KABERLE : But how do I get through that fear of hurting people?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: I don't know, but you do. Everything I'm saying is just what you're thinking—I'm not adding anything to your knowledge. You already know what I will say
KABERLE : So I can make you say--
BOTH: Purple monkey Dishwasher.
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:All I can say is good luck, Kabs. (disappears)
KABERLE : I—But—shit.

(On another part of the island, BELL is alone and near psychotic because of lack of sleep and the stress of killing people)
BELL: (out loud) My hands are shaking, may hands are shaking BUT I'M STILL SHOOTING! And I'm STILL GETTING HEAD SHOTS! It's like, BOOM! Headshot! BOOM!! Head shot! BOOM HEADSHOT! (steps into a bear trap) I know this should hurt, but for some reason it doesn't. (BELL takes step forward, dragging the foot in the bear trap, falls into bottomless pit BELL screams loudly)
Bell: AHHHHHHH! wait, is that a unicorn? Cool!

LolLeafs: Lack of a Snappy Title Edition

as usual, swiped from Yahoo Sports




photo credit: (AP Photo/Mary Schwalm)

(AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Frank Gunn)

(AP Photo/Mary Schwalm)

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 7, 2008

This week's theme for the Friday Youtube Yoinkage is Mats Sundin. Why? Because I can.

If I were Mats Sundin, you know what I'd do? I'd hire a small Ecuadorian child to polish my head.I mean, nobody else is going to think of that. I'd go up to other players and be all, "Hey there Daniel Alfredsson, is that new hat? ooh, impressive. (rolls eyes) " Meanwhile Pepe is just sitting on my shoulders scrubbing and polishing, scrubbing and polishing, making my head shine. And I would pay him more than enough to send some money home to his momma working in the bordello or whatever Ecuadorians do. After all, I am Mats Sundin, Goddamm it, and my head deserves to have a shine that can been seen a mile off. (Yes I sporked that from Lewis Black, but I added enough of my own to make it mine. Maybe. Probably, Not)

Umm, I'm not sure what brought that on, but onto the clips!Clip one has Mats against Wayne Gretzky shooting for McDonald's. For some reason, the way he says "big mac" makes me giggle.


Clip two is a classic commercial that needs no introduction:


clip three stars a poor French-Canadian goalie as a gardener. Always makes me giggle

Too good to pass up: Mad Mike vs Gary Bettman

I found this on NHL's website and figured the opportunity was too good to pass up: Mike Milbury is guesting on Gary Bettman's "NHL hour" radio show. I'm hoping hilarity will ensue, so I'll be doing a semi-live blog of it.

He has "Call Me" as the theme? *snicker*

Gary's in Utah??? He isn't even in the same room? COWARD!!

Gary's talking about skiing. I kinda hope he hits a tree. Not enough to pull a Sonny Bono but enough to hurt.

Caller one starts off kissing Betty's ass. He remembers no jersey advertising, and reconfiguring a no-point overtime loss. Then he forgets his third point. Bettman denies he's thinking of advertising on jerseys. He claims he's offering a "more wide open game"

I'm starting to think Mad Mike won't be coming in. I'm so disappointed. I'll edit only if he does.

half way through: MAD MIKE!!!!11ONEONE1!! I already feel my intelligence dropping, but I blame Bettman and Bill Clement.

Mad Mike doesn't seem so...mad to me. Maybe my brain IS rotting from listening to this. He's talking about supporting officials and...such.

Milbury says his best trade was getting rid of Wendel Clark and Schinder. His worse? I heard the names Spezza and Chara, but he's kind of avoiding this part of the question.

Milbury says he liked the Rangers for the rest of the season. Plus one for Scotty Hockey!
In the west, he likes the Ducks and Dallas. I have nothing else to add. He officially says it'll be "wide open in the East and a dogfight in the West." Nice weaseling, Mike, nicely played.

Bettman just HAD to ask Milbury about "Madison Square Garden 1979" Way to go, Betty, I'm sure he hasn't talked about THAT a billion times.

And now they're letting go of Milbury. I still can't get over how deep Bettman's voice is. I always imagine him sounding more...leprechaun-ish. Like he should be cursing people for stealing his Lucky Charms.


OKAY, THAT"S IT! The caller just called it a great day in Columbus. There is officially too much stupid streaming through my laptop speakers. I'm done! I'm not standing through 15 more minutes of this. I'm done, I seriously think that Bettman is paying people to call in because they all praise him so much (or ask really stupid questions.) I'm out! Screw this! I hope you choke on your Lucky Charms, Betty!!

Leafer Madness, Part 9

Disclaimers part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7

part 8

(TUCKER is alone and next to a small pool. He spies his own reflection and examines his collar closer.)
TUCKER: (to self) Wow, I can't believe this collar. It looks like some cheap-ass Rolex knock-off or something. I wonder if I could just cut through it and then...(TUCKER grabs his sickle and attempts to cut through the metal bands. The collar explodes, killing him)

DEATH: They explode when you try to get through, remember?

TUCKER: Oh yeah, you're right...forgot about that little bit. Wait—I get to challenge you to a game, don't I? And if I win, I get to live, right?

DEATH: (sighs) Yeah. What do you want to play?

TUCKER:I choose...Riskopoly

DEATH: Riskopoly? Is that...?

TUCKER:Yep

DEATH:So you took the two board games that take the longest to complete and combined them?

TUCKER: Well, I didn't do the combining. It's something Carlo showed to me. I can't really blame the guy for taking it up. If you get injured as much as that guy, you have to do something to fill the time. I mean, you can only do so much rehab and watch so much porn a day. You have to something to fill the hours.

DEATH: Fair enough

(THEY set up the board and play for a while)

DEATH:SO, are you enjoying the game?

TUCKER:There's a “yo momma” joke in here somewhere, but since my life is on the line and since you're Death and all, I'll let it slide this one time. (TUCKER looks at the board and sees that he is terribly losing) Say Death...

DEATH:Yes, Darcy?

TUCKER:What's that way over there (Points over DEATH'S shoulder)

DEATH:I'm not falling for that one again.

TUCKER:No, I'm serious! There's a big, scary...thing! and it's right over there!

DEATH:I'm an all present, supernatural being that will exist until the end of time. I'm NOT going to fall for that one again.

TUCKER:Well, then, I suppose it's time for Plan B! (TUCKER gets up, knees DEATH in the crotch, steps on his neck and runs like hell)

DEATH:What the...

TUCKER:Only the good die young!

DEATH: Nothing escapes me. No one escapes me.

How is this possible?

First off, look at the box on top--Toronto's leading 2-1. Then take a good look at the Scoring summary--nobody's scored anything.

Maybe it's just my Firefox being wonky, or maybe it is the Ubuntu (friend of mine put it on the other day, which was nice because it means I have a working laptop again), but whatever it is, this is pretty messed up.