Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 14, 2008

Well, the Leafs keep adding wins to make me feel good, I've got good friends to be with this weekend for my birthday on Sunday. I've also got a metric crappe-tonne of work to do that I am slacking off on. Will it screw me over? Oh Hell Yeah. But do I care? Right now, not really. That's why this week's FYY theme is a mother-fuckin' dance PARTY!!! That's right--it's just music that makes me groove and boogie.

Clip one: Electric Six, " I Buy the Drugs" I've been looking for an excuse to post this forever because I love it that much. But a dance party is good enough:


Clip two: Bloodhound Gang, "Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss" At 1:42, feel free to make your own Kyle Wellwood joke if you wish to do so:


Clip three: Carbon/Silicon, "The News" This one just makes me feel all bouncy and such:

Leafer Madness, Part 10

Last Chapter coming next week, Hombres!

KABERLE :(to self) But I can't kill another human being! I couldn't harm anything
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Sure you can
KABERLE : GAH! What was that?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: It's just me, Carlo. Well, it isn't actually me. I'm really a figment of your imagination.
KABERLE : A hallucination?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: Not really. More like you just replaying stuff over in your head. Look, you've been really lucky so far. You're one of the three people left and you haven't killed anybody. You haven't caused so much as a scratch on another human being.
KABERLE : But I can't possibly kill or hurt another human being
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:You're going to harm another person eventually. Anyone who says they haven't done that in theie lives hasn't lived long enough
KABERLE : But I—
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:I don't care. Kabs, sooner or later, you'll have to get your hands dirty. I know you don't like the sound of it, but you will.
KABERLE : But how do I get through that fear of hurting people?
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO: I don't know, but you do. Everything I'm saying is just what you're thinking—I'm not adding anything to your knowledge. You already know what I will say
KABERLE : So I can make you say--
BOTH: Purple monkey Dishwasher.
SPIRIT OF COLAIACOVO:All I can say is good luck, Kabs. (disappears)
KABERLE : I—But—shit.

(On another part of the island, BELL is alone and near psychotic because of lack of sleep and the stress of killing people)
BELL: (out loud) My hands are shaking, may hands are shaking BUT I'M STILL SHOOTING! And I'm STILL GETTING HEAD SHOTS! It's like, BOOM! Headshot! BOOM!! Head shot! BOOM HEADSHOT! (steps into a bear trap) I know this should hurt, but for some reason it doesn't. (BELL takes step forward, dragging the foot in the bear trap, falls into bottomless pit BELL screams loudly)
Bell: AHHHHHHH! wait, is that a unicorn? Cool!

LolLeafs: Lack of a Snappy Title Edition

as usual, swiped from Yahoo Sports




photo credit: (AP Photo/Mary Schwalm)

(AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Frank Gunn)

(AP Photo/Mary Schwalm)

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, March 7, 2008

This week's theme for the Friday Youtube Yoinkage is Mats Sundin. Why? Because I can.

If I were Mats Sundin, you know what I'd do? I'd hire a small Ecuadorian child to polish my head.I mean, nobody else is going to think of that. I'd go up to other players and be all, "Hey there Daniel Alfredsson, is that new hat? ooh, impressive. (rolls eyes) " Meanwhile Pepe is just sitting on my shoulders scrubbing and polishing, scrubbing and polishing, making my head shine. And I would pay him more than enough to send some money home to his momma working in the bordello or whatever Ecuadorians do. After all, I am Mats Sundin, Goddamm it, and my head deserves to have a shine that can been seen a mile off. (Yes I sporked that from Lewis Black, but I added enough of my own to make it mine. Maybe. Probably, Not)

Umm, I'm not sure what brought that on, but onto the clips!Clip one has Mats against Wayne Gretzky shooting for McDonald's. For some reason, the way he says "big mac" makes me giggle.


Clip two is a classic commercial that needs no introduction:


clip three stars a poor French-Canadian goalie as a gardener. Always makes me giggle

Too good to pass up: Mad Mike vs Gary Bettman

I found this on NHL's website and figured the opportunity was too good to pass up: Mike Milbury is guesting on Gary Bettman's "NHL hour" radio show. I'm hoping hilarity will ensue, so I'll be doing a semi-live blog of it.

He has "Call Me" as the theme? *snicker*

Gary's in Utah??? He isn't even in the same room? COWARD!!

Gary's talking about skiing. I kinda hope he hits a tree. Not enough to pull a Sonny Bono but enough to hurt.

Caller one starts off kissing Betty's ass. He remembers no jersey advertising, and reconfiguring a no-point overtime loss. Then he forgets his third point. Bettman denies he's thinking of advertising on jerseys. He claims he's offering a "more wide open game"

I'm starting to think Mad Mike won't be coming in. I'm so disappointed. I'll edit only if he does.

half way through: MAD MIKE!!!!11ONEONE1!! I already feel my intelligence dropping, but I blame Bettman and Bill Clement.

Mad Mike doesn't seem so...mad to me. Maybe my brain IS rotting from listening to this. He's talking about supporting officials and...such.

Milbury says his best trade was getting rid of Wendel Clark and Schinder. His worse? I heard the names Spezza and Chara, but he's kind of avoiding this part of the question.

Milbury says he liked the Rangers for the rest of the season. Plus one for Scotty Hockey!
In the west, he likes the Ducks and Dallas. I have nothing else to add. He officially says it'll be "wide open in the East and a dogfight in the West." Nice weaseling, Mike, nicely played.

Bettman just HAD to ask Milbury about "Madison Square Garden 1979" Way to go, Betty, I'm sure he hasn't talked about THAT a billion times.

And now they're letting go of Milbury. I still can't get over how deep Bettman's voice is. I always imagine him sounding more...leprechaun-ish. Like he should be cursing people for stealing his Lucky Charms.


OKAY, THAT"S IT! The caller just called it a great day in Columbus. There is officially too much stupid streaming through my laptop speakers. I'm done! I'm not standing through 15 more minutes of this. I'm done, I seriously think that Bettman is paying people to call in because they all praise him so much (or ask really stupid questions.) I'm out! Screw this! I hope you choke on your Lucky Charms, Betty!!

Leafer Madness, Part 9

Disclaimers part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7

part 8

(TUCKER is alone and next to a small pool. He spies his own reflection and examines his collar closer.)
TUCKER: (to self) Wow, I can't believe this collar. It looks like some cheap-ass Rolex knock-off or something. I wonder if I could just cut through it and then...(TUCKER grabs his sickle and attempts to cut through the metal bands. The collar explodes, killing him)

DEATH: They explode when you try to get through, remember?

TUCKER: Oh yeah, you're right...forgot about that little bit. Wait—I get to challenge you to a game, don't I? And if I win, I get to live, right?

DEATH: (sighs) Yeah. What do you want to play?

TUCKER:I choose...Riskopoly

DEATH: Riskopoly? Is that...?

TUCKER:Yep

DEATH:So you took the two board games that take the longest to complete and combined them?

TUCKER: Well, I didn't do the combining. It's something Carlo showed to me. I can't really blame the guy for taking it up. If you get injured as much as that guy, you have to do something to fill the time. I mean, you can only do so much rehab and watch so much porn a day. You have to something to fill the hours.

DEATH: Fair enough

(THEY set up the board and play for a while)

DEATH:SO, are you enjoying the game?

TUCKER:There's a “yo momma” joke in here somewhere, but since my life is on the line and since you're Death and all, I'll let it slide this one time. (TUCKER looks at the board and sees that he is terribly losing) Say Death...

DEATH:Yes, Darcy?

TUCKER:What's that way over there (Points over DEATH'S shoulder)

DEATH:I'm not falling for that one again.

TUCKER:No, I'm serious! There's a big, scary...thing! and it's right over there!

DEATH:I'm an all present, supernatural being that will exist until the end of time. I'm NOT going to fall for that one again.

TUCKER:Well, then, I suppose it's time for Plan B! (TUCKER gets up, knees DEATH in the crotch, steps on his neck and runs like hell)

DEATH:What the...

TUCKER:Only the good die young!

DEATH: Nothing escapes me. No one escapes me.

How is this possible?

First off, look at the box on top--Toronto's leading 2-1. Then take a good look at the Scoring summary--nobody's scored anything.

Maybe it's just my Firefox being wonky, or maybe it is the Ubuntu (friend of mine put it on the other day, which was nice because it means I have a working laptop again), but whatever it is, this is pretty messed up.