Representatives from Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment announced earlier today that the organization has asked centre Matt Stajan to die a tragic and early death.
“It was a decision that I put forth to MLSE in order to make the team stronger” said coach Ron Wilson in a statement released this morning. “I suggested that perhaps the tragic and premature death of a young team mate might be enough to motivate the team to a better record.”
MLSE has suggested several ways for the 24-year old Ontario native to die so as to maximize the tragic aspect of his death, “including but not limited to: car or boating accident while sober, accidental drowning, skiing mishap, struck by lightning, severe but unforeseen allergic reaction, or a rare and degenerative disease that he had been battling for several years. While there are many other ways of death available to Mr. Stajan, MLSE must request that he not resort to suicide or any method that involves illicit drugs so as to not bring shame to the association"
Stajan, pictured here giving the camera his serious face, was less than enthusiastic about the plan. He told sources earlier today, “Sure, I, uhhhhhhhhh am, ummmmm flattered that, uhhhhh MLSE and the powers that be, uhhhhhh thought I was a promising enough of a player that ummmmm my death would mean something to the team. I don’t know why uhhhhh I have to die though. Couldn’t I just ummmmmmm, get, like, a bad injury or uhhhhhh a really bad haircut or something instead?”
Stajan’s team mate Alex Steen agrees with
Not every player was as enthusiastic as Steen, however. Defenseman Ian White was quoted as saying, “Coach [Wilson] says that a terrible death will make us all, like, bind together, you know, like ‘win one for the Gipper” type style. But I can’t figure out how Matty [Stajan] dying is going to stop me from tripping over my own feet and getting stupid penalties.”
