To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I tackle the one and only Sidney Crosby Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.
Let me tell you a story about a celebration that went wrong. I was out with some of my buddies celebrating my birthday (no it wasn’t like this . Actually, I wish it could’ve been like that.) We were all out and I saw this pink hatter in jeans and a sweater. If you ask me, the cropped Crosby jersey is always a good choice. We got to talking—I forget what about since I wasn’t really paying attention anyway—and eventually she and I decided to go back to her place. I figured I’d be nice to Mario and not interrupt him during his Tivo’d stories. He hates it when I do that.
She brought me into her place and said “I’m going to go slip into something more comfortable.” As I grabbed a chair in the kitchen/living room I noticed that she had a riding crop on a small table. I couldn’t figure it out. I mean, she lives in an apartment in Pittsburgh—where does she keep a riding horse? I didn’t get much of a chance to think about it because she came back in the room. Now, she said she was going to get “into something more comfortable.” She had changed from a jersey and jeans into a leather bustier and six-inch stiletto boots. How is that “more comfortable”? I don’t get it.
Before I knew it, she had me naked and was tying me to the bedposts. It was so weird—why would she tie me up when I didn’t want to leave? She asked me “How do you like my ball-gag, Sid?” and she shoved a ball gag in my mouth and tied it tight. I told her, “I don’t want to do this! You’re actually scaring the hell out of me, woman!”, but on account of eth ball gaga it sounded more like “ I hon ant ‘a ‘ou fis, ‘our a lully skairn a ‘ell ouva me!” At this point a large black Batman appeared with a bat-mask and bat-cape but no bat-pants. I saw that and freaked out. I somehow busted the bed posts and I ran like hell. I didn’t even care that I was totally naked, had a ball gag in my mouth and had two broken bedposts tied to my wrists. I got home (I run really fast) and pounded on the window, since my key was in the pants that I was no longer wearing. I could already hear Mario grumbling “this had better be good for me to miss Theo being autistic. "
He opened the door and rushed me in, saying “I can’t fuckin’ believe it! I’d expect this kind of shit from Jordan Staal, but not from you, Sid. You have to stop hunting cougars, man.”