Maple Leafs Chat: Intervention

I had the idea for the following chat, but then Toskala got traded. I debated what to do with it, and after some thought I tweaked the ending a little bit and I present it to you!



***Welcome to Air Canada Centre chat room!***
Tosking_Heads: OH HAI GUYZ
I_Ron_Butterfly: Vesa, we need to talk. I have some friends here to help you out.
BurkeBackMountain: See, we’re really worried about you.
Tosking_Heads: O…kay. But wat is Andre Raycroft doing heres? I thought I kill you.
World_Of_Raycroft: I was in your position once, Vesa. I even wrote you a letter to express my feelings. Ahem: “Dear Vesa, You suck. Your glove side sucks, your position sucks and your overall goaltending abilities are atrocious. And I know atrocious, because I won a Calder trophy. P.S.: You fail at life. You should go home and cut yourself or eat a couple of swords.”
Tosking_Heads: Well, I won Stanley Cup of…your mom-banging.
BurkeBackMountain: Wait a second...Andrew, I think that was the letter I sent to you last season—well, except for the Calder bit.
Tosking_Heads: Is this laaakie, dat show “Intervention”? It always makes the Vesa cry so.
BurkeBackMountain: Kind of, only instead of stopping someone from being anorexic or an alcoholic, we’re trying to get you to become a better goalie. Jonas, why don’t you go next?
MYNameISJonas: Dears Vesa, I ams sure yous nice guy. Yous snappy dresser and kind to animals. But if you nots better goalie guy, yous life cants keep goings the way it are. Improving goaltending is what you can’ts most the least you do to have better life. I love you like guy you work with, no homo.
BurkeBackMountain: That was very kind of you, Jonas. Now, anyone else?
KomiKazi: Dear Vesa: fuck you, bitch.
I_Ron_Butterfly: That’s all you have?
KomiKazi: I’m succinct.
Tosking_Heads: I don’t have to listen to any of yous! I am starting goaltender!
World_Of_Raycroft: You know, Vesa, I was a starting goaltender, too.
I_Ron_Butterfly: And you know who else was as starting goaltender here? Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: /opens bottle of Wild Turkey
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, according to legend, if you open up a bottle of cheap liquor and say “Eddie Belfour” four times in succession, he comes down from the Air Canada Centre rafters. I don’t know what he does when he comes down, but let’s find out, shall we? Eddie Belfour.
MYNameISJonas: Eddie Belfour.
World_Of_Raycroft: Eddie Belfour.
BurkeBackMountain: Eddie Belfour!
***Belfour_To_the_Floor has entered the chat room!***
Belfour_To_the_Floor: EDDIE BELFOUR! HOW’S YA DOIN!
Tosking_Heads: /screams like a 10 year old girl
I_Ron_Butterfly: Now, Vesa, you can’t be scared of Eddie Belfour. The worst he’ll do is puke on his clothes and trash hotel rooms.
Tosking_Heads: Pleas Mr. Bum man, here is all my money! Here is manpurse! Take it all, just don’t kill me!
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Name's Eddie Belfour, how the hell are ya? I spend my days up in the ACC rafters. It’s not bad—eatin’ pigeons, drinkin’ Midnight Hobo bourbon, and stealin’ those blimp thingys that float away.
KomiKazi: Honestly Vesa, why are you so freaked out by this guy? I kind of like him. He’s harmless.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Ya damn right I’m damn harmless, dammit. I got a billion reasons to be a great guy.
BurkeBackMountain: Why? Did you need to bribe another cop?
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Nah, that’s what all my empties are worth. I oughta take ‘em back on day.
Tosking_Heads: Mister Burke, I will take any trade if you GET ME AWAY FROM THIS DIRTY HOBO.
Belfour_To_the_Floor: Who ya callin’ a hobo? You ain’t so pretty yourself!
Tosking_Heads: I was pretty once…Oh my God…Coach, Mister Burke, are you saying if I stay as starting goalie in Toronto, I will be…
I_Ron_Butterfly: Yes Vesa. You’ll live all alone in the rafters with Edddie here.
BurkeBackMountain: But…I could work out some sort of a trade, get you a fresh start…
Tosking_Heads: PLEASE!
I_Ron_Butterfly: OK then, it’s settled. Don’t forget to wear your retard hat!
Tosking_Heads: My what?
I_Ron_Butterfly: It was your favourite task from the chore jar: “Wear retard hat”. I mean, I’m guessing it was your favourite since you did it all the time, even without being asked.
Tosking_Heads: You are meanie-pants, Coach Wilson.

OMG WTF BRIAN BURKE

TWITTER GOING TOO FAST. EVERYTHING GOING TOO FAST WITH CALGARY! BRAIN CAN'T PROCESS! TYPING LIKE SHATNER IN ALL CAPS! BATMAN GIF IS MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW

There will be proper "Time to say goodbye" posts later, after the dust has settled, but until then ZOMIGOD CAN'T PROCESS

Friday Youtube Yoinkage January 29, 2010

OK, so this week's FYY was going to be about Rickard Wallin (was being the operative word here.) But then I found clip one:



That was the best clip involving him I could find and understand. Yes--pictures and wipes (including star AND heart!) set to generic angsty rock was the best Wallin video ever. Note the lack of photos of him in Toronto.

So...for the other two clips. here are some Adam Ant (and the Ants) songs. A while back, I did the "Rickard Wallin, bizzarro supermodel" post, and someone said:

No wonder the guy blows so bad - he spent most of his energy as the front man in an Adam Ant cover band. There's 41 seconds of my life I'm never going to get back.

I'd like to thank that anonymous commenter, since I've started digging into Adam And the Ants. I guess Wallin did something good after all, since I've been humming these next two songs for the past few days.

clip two: Stand and Deliver:


clip three: Goody Two Shoes

LOLeafs: not so nice edition

As always, original photos by Yahoo!

Mikhail Grabovski's Secret Injury Diary

Hallos folks! Is me, Belorussian Hockey man Mihkail Grabovski! Now, I knows you all asking, "Mikhail, how you type with broken wrist?" Well readers, I make talk to text thingy work for Mikhail, because Alexei Ponikarovsky cannot be translationer all the time. He tells me has things to do, like wash hair and do laundry. I think he is liar-face.

I check online and it says I in injured reserve with Mike Van Ryn, Wayne Primeau, and Tim Brent. First, I must be asking, WHO THE FUCK IS TIM BRENT? But Wayne and Mikey are nice guys, even if they are broken. The sounds of Mikey's iron lung are much soothing. Is good for me, as I have started meditation program to relax and heal better. Wayne says he could try but his knee is too hurty. In Belarus, he would have been shot, like horse, even though Belorussian bullets will not heal hurt legs.

But being injured is so boring! I still skate, but I am not allowed to shoot puck, so I have practice like half time. It means less time to make fun of Vesa Toskala for looking like liquor store bum. But I know, Vesa be best fashionable liquor store bum ever.

I start online diary to pass boredom, except my injured life is pretty boring. I watch Maury Povich for first time. It was a "Who is Daddy?" episode. I like how when the guy is not father, he does awesome dance. And then when lady is right and the guy is father, she does awesome dance. I have made note to never, ever upset Maury Povich woman, because she could probably rip off my head and eat me (if she does not break ears with yelling first.)

Last night I have strange dream. I was standing with woman in wheelchair and I had giant skate. These painkillers are brutal. Oh well. Almost as weird as that one with the pineapples. Time to relax and drink lots of juice. Keep on rocking! --Mikhail

Friday Youtube Yoinkage, January 14, 2010

Today's theme is Luke Schenn

In Clip one, Jason Blake talks about "Crushing" Luke at the 2009 World Championships. What an ambitious little hamster


In clip two, Schenn and Alex Steen got to school


In clip three, Luke tells us about "Luke's troops", which is a much better volunteer effort than Phil Kessel gave here.

Ask Lee Stempniak: Buckeyes are Deady Nuts

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello Everyone! Welcome to a new episode of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” I’m Lee Stempniak, and I play hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I’m here with fellow player Tomas Kaberle.

TOMAS KABERLE: Hello, all you “Ask Lee Stempniak” fans out there!

STEMPNIAK: Today, we have a multi-part letter from Aubrey in River Heights, Ohio. We’re going to take this one question at a time. Aubrey writes:

“Dear Lee Stempniak,I have this friend. Most of the time we get along wonderfully, but lately a few issues have come up that we just can't seem to reach an agreement on and it's put a strain on our relationship. We're hoping that you can provide us with definitive answers to these questions so that we can be BFF's again. (We would have asked Dear Abby, but we both agree that you most likely have a better knowledge of monkeys than she does.)

Issue #1 - Is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, really a witch or actually a fairy in disguise? I say that anyone that has a crown, a wand, and a glowing pink aura is in fact, a fairy. My friend argues that no one that was not actually a witch would call themselves one.”

KABERLE: OK….I must confess something. I have not seen “The Wizard of Oz” beyond when it switches to colour.

STEMPNIAK: Seriously? Why?

KABERLE: It is too scary for me. I tried once, and I shut it off right after it switched to colour.

STEMPNIAK: But what’s so scary about it?

KABERLE: Oz is the brightest place on earth. It is like they live in a rainbow that’s been decorated by Las Vegas people or something. And the munchkins (shudder)…I could not sleep for 3 days after it.

STEMPNIAK: Well, for the record…in that case, I’d call Glenda a witch, because she says she is. It’s kind of like how if you know someone with a French name but they introduce it with the anglicized version. I’m not going to be that jerk who says “Actually, you’re pronouncing your own name wrong, dumbass. It’s boo-CHEY, not BOO-cher.” That’s just rude.

KABERLE: I guess that makes sense. Can we stop talking about that movie?

STEMPNIAK: Sure. Next question,

“Issue #2 - On a scale of one to ten, how wrong would it be to run down a pack of monkeys with an eighteen wheeler? I say that monkeys are disgusting and we'd be doing the world a favor. My friend says that monkeys have rights, same as people.”

KABERLE: I don’t know about the same as people, but I’m ok with monkeys. They go into space and test cosmetics for us.

STEMPNIAK: Well, Aubrey, even if you run down a pack of monkeys, there will still be more monkeys out there. You can’t get rid of monkeys. I guess it’s just one of those things you have to live with.

KABERLE: Maybe she should just avoid places with monkeys, like zoos and research places?

STEMPNIAK: Sounds good. The last question is

“Issue #3 - What exactly is a "beatnik?" OK, so we could probably Google that, but we're lazy.”

KABERLE: This is English I do not know.

STEMPNIAK: They’re like hipsters who wear all black and listen to jazz instead of wearing ironic t-shirts while listening to shitty lo-fi bands that nobody’s heard of. And they think their poetry is better than everyone elses.

KABERLE: Like emo kids?

STEMPNIAK: Not really, because beatnik poetry is all about being experimental and pretending to be some deep philosopher. Emo poetry is all how much life sucks because you got dumped and your mom won’t let you ride the bus to Hot Topic.

KABERLE: You know a lot about this…

STEMPNIAK: I spend a lot of time on the Internet.

KABERLE: Lee, your cat won’t stop staring at me…

STEMPNIAK: It’s just Buttons, Kabbie, don’t worry.

KABERLE:Was that the last question? I must, uh…give my dog a bath. (KABERLE leaves)

STEMPNIAK: No Buttons, that’s not why Tomas left…don’t look at me like that! (sighs) OK, fiiiiiiiiiinnnne, you're right. (pauses) Aww....you know I can't stay mad at you! I'll make some chicken and pasta and we can go watch Mad Men, OK? That sounds great.

LOLeafs: for the kitties edition

Yeah, I know it's a bit of a cop out. A new Ask Lee Stempniak is in progress. Here's this to whet your appetite.

Rickard Wallin, Bizzarro Supermodel

I don't know why, but tonight I was looking around for pictures of Rickard Wallin. Normally, this would be like an LOLeafs post, but these photos are so silly on their own, adding text would be mostly redundant.

(source for above photo, featuring a cameo from Jonas Gustavsson!)

Archimedes has a whole post dedicated to Wallin's fashion sense, which is full of this kind of goodness.

Between all those beer bottles and the looks on their faces, I'd guess that Wallin and his buddy about to open either "2Girls1Cup" or "Pain Olympics" (source)

I'd like to thank Sleza for finding Wallin with a rose. It's one of the best hockey player pictures...ever

Wallin + fauxhawk + ...pink hair?

UPDATE: Apparently Garret Bauman of Maple Leafs Hot Stove was so inspired by the blog "Nic Cage is Everyone", he made me this:

Holiday Kesstacular, CONCLUSION

(Still at the holiday party of part 4)

WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry! Maybe I should just give up.
WILSON: What do you mean? “Give up” what?
KESSEL: I’m just not cut out for helping people and volunteering stuff. Grabbo and I are banned from that mall, Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers are dead and Vesa’s in rehab, which means we don’t have an NHL-proven goalie!
WILSON: We had NHL-proven goalies before?
KESSEL: We don’t even have Jonas as a backup since his heart exploded again. I just wreck things.
WILSON: You know what they say Phil—you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: But Phil, taking down pek-o-file Santa was awesome! Much more awesomer than fighting Kostitsyns.
MATT STAJAN: Thanks to you Phil, I’ll have to either step up my game or fade into the background…(tortured sigh)
NIK HAGMAN: And I know that Vesa will hate us for a while, but in the end he become better man. Or die. Either way.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: And you take on Hell’s Angels, PhilKessel. Not many people who do that without being dead.
RICKARD WALLIN: And Phil Kessel taught me how to read!
WILSON: Who the hell are you? Get out of here, straggler!
WALLIN: But I’m a player! (WALLIN runs off crying)
WILSON: Anyway, the point is… Phil, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself.
PONIKAROVSKY: And if you have the power of JesusChrist
WILSON: Don’t interrupt me, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry, CoachRonWilson.
WILSON: You see Phil, we all have a special gift to offer everyone, even you. (BRIAN BURKE enters)
BRIAN BURKE: He’s got a special gift? No shit, Sherlock! Why do you think I traded for him, dumbass?
ALL PLAYERS: (gasp) Brian Burke!
BURKE: Ya damn right, dammit. How’s everyone’s holiday?
LEE STEMPNIAK: I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
BURKE: Nobody freakin’ cares about your problems, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Forget it.
BURKE: Phil, I got you so you can score multiple goals in one season. Just remember that.
KESSEL: I think I can be happy here. I know it! Even if I do miss Marc Savard sometimes.
STAJAN: Hey, I could be your buddy, Phil. You know—Marc Savard, Matt Stajan, same initials, right?
BURKE: YOU ARE NO MARC SAVARD, STAJAN!
STAJAN: (cowering) Sorry, sir.
BURKE: Phil, would you like to be on my Olympic team?
KESSEL: Would I? Of COURSE!
BURKE: Well, come on. We’ll find whichever strip club Mike Komisarek’s at and start training.
WALLIN: Yay Phil! You can do it!
WILSON: I thought I told you to get out of here, party crasher!
WALLIN: But I’m part of the Maples Leafs! I play for them!
BURKE: SECURITY! (Security guys come) Give this loser the boots, medium style. (SECURITY drags a crying and protesting WALLIN off the premises and later beat him mercilessly)
WILSON: Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s have a toast—
BURKE: To truculence!
WILSON: DON’T interrupt me!
BURKE: Screw you!
WILSON: SCREW YOU!
(awkward silence)
BURKE:So…you wanna grab some wings or something?
WILSON:Sure, sounds good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is it being true that you both order wings so spicy they have to clear out the restaurant because they are not safe for other humans?
WILSON and BURKE: Shut it, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry CoachRonWilson and BrianBurke.
(everyone continues to have a good time at the party, and it all worked out in the end.)

THE END

Friday Youtube Yoinkage JANUARY 1, 2010

Wooo first post of the new year! I'm already off to a better start for 2010 than 2009, which I take as a good sign. I, along with my small army of figures and Boots (the real life Buttons), would like to say Happy New Year!

Today's FYY theme is great party music.

Clip one is "Shots" by LMFAO. I know, it's not that great a song, but you can't deny that the lyrical genius of LMFAO combined with the classically trained vocals of Lil Jon makes for a great guilty pleasure tune:

Clip two: Jeremy Roenick + Run DMC. That's all you need to know


Clip three: "The Real Jordan Staal" I know I've featured this video before, butdrunk pictures always make me giggle.