(Still at the holiday party of part 4)
WILSON: Well, CRAP. We’ll have to find that Joey guy again.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, coach. I try to help people out, but I just make more of a mess! I’m so sorry! Maybe I should just give up.
WILSON: What do you mean? “Give up” what?
KESSEL: I’m just not cut out for helping people and volunteering stuff. Grabbo and I are banned from that mall, Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers are dead and Vesa’s in rehab, which means we don’t have an NHL-proven goalie!
WILSON: We had NHL-proven goalies before?
KESSEL: We don’t even have Jonas as a backup since his heart exploded again. I just wreck things.
WILSON: You know what they say Phil—you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: But Phil, taking down pek-o-file Santa was awesome! Much more awesomer than fighting Kostitsyns.
MATT STAJAN: Thanks to you Phil, I’ll have to either step up my game or fade into the background…(tortured sigh)
NIK HAGMAN: And I know that Vesa will hate us for a while, but in the end he become better man. Or die. Either way.
ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY: And you take on Hell’s Angels, PhilKessel. Not many people who do that without being dead.
RICKARD WALLIN: And Phil Kessel taught me how to read!
WILSON: Who the hell are you? Get out of here, straggler!
WALLIN: But I’m a player! (WALLIN runs off crying)
WILSON: Anyway, the point is… Phil, you can do anything if you just believe in yourself.
PONIKAROVSKY: And if you have the power of JesusChrist
WILSON: Don’t interrupt me, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: Sorry, CoachRonWilson.
WILSON: You see Phil, we all have a special gift to offer everyone, even you. (BRIAN BURKE enters)
BRIAN BURKE: He’s got a special gift? No shit, Sherlock! Why do you think I traded for him, dumbass?
ALL PLAYERS: (gasp) Brian Burke!
BURKE: Ya damn right, dammit. How’s everyone’s holiday?
LEE STEMPNIAK: I got Frenched by a depressed and drunken Toskala. I’m still not sure how to feel about it.
BURKE: Nobody freakin’ cares about your problems, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) Forget it.
BURKE: Phil, I got you so you can score multiple goals in one season. Just remember that.
KESSEL: I think I can be happy here. I know it! Even if I do miss Marc Savard sometimes.
STAJAN: Hey, I could be your buddy, Phil. You know—Marc Savard, Matt Stajan, same initials, right?
BURKE: YOU ARE NO MARC SAVARD, STAJAN!
STAJAN: (cowering) Sorry, sir.
BURKE: Phil, would you like to be on my Olympic team?
KESSEL: Would I? Of COURSE!
BURKE: Well, come on. We’ll find whichever strip club Mike Komisarek’s at and start training.
WALLIN: Yay Phil! You can do it!
WILSON: I thought I told you to get out of here, party crasher!
WALLIN: But I’m part of the Maples Leafs! I play for them!
BURKE: SECURITY! (Security guys come) Give this loser the boots, medium style. (SECURITY drags a crying and protesting WALLIN off the premises and later beat him mercilessly)
WILSON: Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s have a toast—
BURKE: To truculence!
WILSON: DON’T interrupt me!
BURKE: Screw you!
WILSON: SCREW YOU!
BURKE:So…you wanna grab some wings or something?
WILSON:Sure, sounds good.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is it being true that you both order wings so spicy they have to clear out the restaurant because they are not safe for other humans?
WILSON and BURKE: Shut it, Alexei!
PONIKAROVSKY: I’s sorry CoachRonWilson and BrianBurke.
(everyone continues to have a good time at the party, and it all worked out in the end.)