Ask Lee Stempniak: Buckeyes are Deady Nuts

LEE STEMPNIAK: Hello Everyone! Welcome to a new episode of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” I’m Lee Stempniak, and I play hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I’m here with fellow player Tomas Kaberle.

TOMAS KABERLE: Hello, all you “Ask Lee Stempniak” fans out there!

STEMPNIAK: Today, we have a multi-part letter from Aubrey in River Heights, Ohio. We’re going to take this one question at a time. Aubrey writes:

“Dear Lee Stempniak,I have this friend. Most of the time we get along wonderfully, but lately a few issues have come up that we just can't seem to reach an agreement on and it's put a strain on our relationship. We're hoping that you can provide us with definitive answers to these questions so that we can be BFF's again. (We would have asked Dear Abby, but we both agree that you most likely have a better knowledge of monkeys than she does.)

Issue #1 - Is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, really a witch or actually a fairy in disguise? I say that anyone that has a crown, a wand, and a glowing pink aura is in fact, a fairy. My friend argues that no one that was not actually a witch would call themselves one.”

KABERLE: OK….I must confess something. I have not seen “The Wizard of Oz” beyond when it switches to colour.

STEMPNIAK: Seriously? Why?

KABERLE: It is too scary for me. I tried once, and I shut it off right after it switched to colour.

STEMPNIAK: But what’s so scary about it?

KABERLE: Oz is the brightest place on earth. It is like they live in a rainbow that’s been decorated by Las Vegas people or something. And the munchkins (shudder)…I could not sleep for 3 days after it.

STEMPNIAK: Well, for the record…in that case, I’d call Glenda a witch, because she says she is. It’s kind of like how if you know someone with a French name but they introduce it with the anglicized version. I’m not going to be that jerk who says “Actually, you’re pronouncing your own name wrong, dumbass. It’s boo-CHEY, not BOO-cher.” That’s just rude.

KABERLE: I guess that makes sense. Can we stop talking about that movie?

STEMPNIAK: Sure. Next question,

“Issue #2 - On a scale of one to ten, how wrong would it be to run down a pack of monkeys with an eighteen wheeler? I say that monkeys are disgusting and we'd be doing the world a favor. My friend says that monkeys have rights, same as people.”

KABERLE: I don’t know about the same as people, but I’m ok with monkeys. They go into space and test cosmetics for us.

STEMPNIAK: Well, Aubrey, even if you run down a pack of monkeys, there will still be more monkeys out there. You can’t get rid of monkeys. I guess it’s just one of those things you have to live with.

KABERLE: Maybe she should just avoid places with monkeys, like zoos and research places?

STEMPNIAK: Sounds good. The last question is

“Issue #3 - What exactly is a "beatnik?" OK, so we could probably Google that, but we're lazy.”

KABERLE: This is English I do not know.

STEMPNIAK: They’re like hipsters who wear all black and listen to jazz instead of wearing ironic t-shirts while listening to shitty lo-fi bands that nobody’s heard of. And they think their poetry is better than everyone elses.

KABERLE: Like emo kids?

STEMPNIAK: Not really, because beatnik poetry is all about being experimental and pretending to be some deep philosopher. Emo poetry is all how much life sucks because you got dumped and your mom won’t let you ride the bus to Hot Topic.

KABERLE: You know a lot about this…

STEMPNIAK: I spend a lot of time on the Internet.

KABERLE: Lee, your cat won’t stop staring at me…

STEMPNIAK: It’s just Buttons, Kabbie, don’t worry.

KABERLE:Was that the last question? I must, uh…give my dog a bath. (KABERLE leaves)

STEMPNIAK: No Buttons, that’s not why Tomas left…don’t look at me like that! (sighs) OK, fiiiiiiiiiinnnne, you're right. (pauses) Aww....you know I can't stay mad at you! I'll make some chicken and pasta and we can go watch Mad Men, OK? That sounds great.