Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
In case you can't figure it out, Zdeno Chara's lack of clothing has scared away Godzilla.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
(at a local mall, PHIL KESSEL and MIKHAIL GRABOSKI are walking around Christmas shopping)
PHIL KESSEL: Wow, Grabbo, this place is packed!
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!
KESSEL: You are so weird.
GRABOVSKI: What? Is good cheer for mall shopping. And is not as weird as all the people here. Why not they shop later? Why they all here at once?
KESSEL: Well, Grabbo, it’s the mall. It’s one of the most important inventions of North America. It offers several stores under one roof. You probably don’t have stuff like malls, jeans, and pantyhose in Belarus, but they’re part of the modern way of life here in the non-commie world.
GRABOVSKI:…Huh? You say something? I was busy texting hot bitches on my Blackberry.
KESSEL: (sighs) Never mind.
GRABOVSKI: Why yous so down in garbage, Phil?
KESSEL: I think you mean “down in the dumps”, but it’s just that…Ron’s big on me volunteering in Toronto , and I can’t seem to find anything that fits.
GRABOVSKI: Hrmmm…what languages you speak?
KESSEL: English, and, uh…more English.
GRABOVSKI: Too bad. Me and Poni could use help. We do translationing for immigrants at crisis place.
KESSEL: Ah, geez, everybody has a thing but me. I dunno what I’m gonna do.
GRABOVSKI: I has faith you find something.
KESSEL: Wait a second...Hey Grabbo, you see that Mall Santa over there? He reminds me of this guy I knew as a kid. He’d drive around in an unmarked van giving candy to kids. (they move into the line for MALL SANTA.)
GRABOVSKI: Free candy? Wowee!
KESSEL: Not really, Grabbo. There’s a reason people called him “pedophile Bob.”
GRABOVSKI: But this guy has a big beard, and hat, you can’t see his face, how you know?
KESSEL: Can you see his pinky on his left hand? It doesn’t move with the rest of his hand. That’s because some kid bit it off in self-defense.
MALL SANTA: (starting out nice before getting progressively creepier) Ho! Ho! Ho! Now come on up here, little boy (puts LITTLE TOMMY, about 8, on lap.) Oh, boy, you got a pretty mouth. What’s your name?
TOMMY: My name’s Tommy and I’m eight years old.
MALL SANTA: Tommy? Now that’s a great name for a strong and handsome boy like you. Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.
TOMMY: I want a dinosaur, an Optimus Prime, and a guitar.
MALL SANTA: (now really creepy) You know, Santa can do so much more for you than just that…
TOMMY: I wanna get down now.
MALL SANTA: Why don’t you stay on Santa’s lap a little longer?
TOMMY: I WANT DOWN NOW!
GRABOVSKI: Lets little kid off!
(KESSEL grabs TOMMY off MALL SANTA’s lap and punches MALL SANTA in the face. GRABOVSKI jumps on MALL SANTA’s back and lands two quick punches to his sides before MALL SANTA shrugs him off, knocking over a large Christmas tree in the process. GRABOVSKI punches MALL SANTA in the back of his knees and bites his ankle as KESSEL and MALL SANTA exchange gut punches. At one point, GRABOVSKI attempts to flee after flashing two peace signs to the crowd, but by then MALL SECURITY has shown up and apprehends all three men.)
Several hours later, in jail…
GRABOVSKI: Is we going to gets deported now? I don’t want to go back to Belarus!
KESSEL: I hope we don’t. But man, what about the kids? We beat up Santa Claus in front of a bunch of kids. Well, it was more like a wrestling match, but still! We’re gonna get hate mail, like, forever.
GRABOVSKI: And they’s become Sens fans now.
KESSEL: Ew, that’s even worse. (POLICE OFFICER enters.)
POLICE OFFICER: I take it you two are the ones who assaulted a Santa in the mall? (GRABOVSKI and KESSEL nod.) Now, as for you two, it turns out that your assault brought it to our attention that this mall Santa, AKA Robert Cullingham, AKA Roberto Alvarezo, AKA Bob Jeremy was, in fact, a known pedophile and sex offender who somehow slipped through the cracks. On behalf of the police force, we appreciate your help, but…you still assaulted a man and caused a bit of property damage, not to mention the damage to those little kids who had to see Santa dragged away in handcuffs. But, since you’re both first time offenders, I wouldn’t be surprised if all you got was some anger management training, some fines, and some community service. You're probably banned from that mall for life, too. Luckily, you got a buddy that posted bail for both of you, so you can go now. (lets GRABOVSKI and KESSEL out of jail cell.)
MALL SANTA (in a separate cell.) The ginger one bit me! You little bastard, I’ll probably need rabies shots for this!
POLICE OFFICER: You keep it down there!
(outside of jail)
RON WILSON: You two are lucky the Leafs don’t have that much time off between games this month, otherwise you would have spent a few days in there.
GRABOVSKI: Wow, thanks, Coach!
KESSEL: Yeah, that was great of you to—
WILSON: I’m not finished yet. What the hell were you two thinking?
KESSEL: But coach, he’s a pedophile!
WILSON: I guess you’re really going to have to find that work that fits now, Phil.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I have decided that this week's FYY is going to be NHL commercials
clip one: The best of the NHL are getting ready for HD Center Ice. Martin St. Louis getting out of the tanning bed both amuses me and is incredibly creepy. And Joe Thornton, it's not that pants that make your butt look big, it's your body.
clip two: Even though Alex Ovechkin scratches his arms like a junkie in need of a fix, and even though he sounds like a Russian dog with peanut butter stuck in his mouth, this commercial for Eastern Motors always gets a laugh out of me. The ballerina twirl at the end seals it.
clip three: a very special message from the Atlanta Thrashers: Stop making bad commercials!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
It's become something of a tradition over here at tWWoLD to have a longer series over the "holidays" time. Last year, it was "It's a Wendelful Life". The year before that, it was "Leafer Madness. " This year, I present to you all the heart-warming story of "Holiday Kesstacular!"
Friday, December 4, 2009
Jiri Tlusty has been traded to the Carolina Hurricanes for Philippe Paradis. Now, as many of you may know, I'm a much, much, bigger fan of Czechs as crush objects than Quebecois. I think it's the fact that I've lived with some very unsavoury examples of the people (especially Quebecois guys in glasses. I keep expecting him to start a fight with me over how to put knifes in the dishwasher.) I know they're not all like those guys, but I still need something to get the taste out of my mouth, so to speak.
Great Moments in WWoLD history
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Today's theme is "that...that JUST happened, part 2"
Clip one: Don Cherry sings techno. That's all you need to know.
clip two: Jordan Staal apparently likes drinking and making goofy faces. Actually, he makes goofy faces anyway.
clip three: just because it's hilarious, some guys dressed as Supertroopers playing Rock Band: