Friday, December 25, 2009
BIKER GUY: You just happened upon the Hell’s Angels! It’s the best way we could think of to secretly transport drugs all over the country—nobody’s gonna be suspicious of people bringin’ toys for sick kids anywhere. And now, you gonna die! (loads and locks gun)
KESSEL: (panicked) No, NO! Please! We want to join you!
BIKER GUY (skeptical): Oh really? What’s your name, son?
KESSEL: My name’s, uh, Taylor Hall. Yeah, Taylor Hall.
MAYERS: And I’m Jason Spezza!
ATTENDANT: You don’t look like something called “Spezza” to me.
MAYERS: I’m…adopted! And my mom was a huge tramp. (BIKER GUY shoots MAYERS in the face, then presses his gun to KESSEL’s forehead)
BIKER GUY: You still wanna join?
KESSEL: (still panicking) Yeah! Uh-huh! OF COURSE!
BIKER GUY: (backs away from KESSEL) Fine, first thing is you gotta clean up and get rid of these bodies.
(BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT turn to leave, but KESSEL grabs one of his donated sticks and shoots two rocks at BIKER GUY and ATTENDANT ‘s heads, knocking them both unconscious. KESSEL jumps out from behind the box and runs as fast as he can out of the warehouse. He doesn’t stop until he reaches a diner, where he bursts through the door almost totally out of breath. RON WILSON just happens to be in a booth there.)
RON WILSON: Phil! What a surprise!
KESSEL (out of breath): Coach…Ron? Why…this is…getting…seriously effin’ creepy, man.
WILSON: Why? I do some of my best thinking in places like this. Take a seat (KESSEL sits down)
KESSEL: Ron, I just saw the Hells’ Angels shoot Jason Blake and Jamal Mayers!
WILSON: (chuckles) Oh Phil, you kids and your active imaginations.
KESSEL (near hysterics): I did! We thought we were giving toys to orphans who have cancer and AIDS, but it turns out that toy drive was just a cover for the Hell’s Angels to smuggle drugs, and now Jason and Jamal are dead and the orphans won’t get any toys for Christmas! (starts crying)
WILSON: Get a hold of yourself, Phil! Now...you might want to lay low for a few days, the Hells’ Angels don’t mess around.
KESSEL: What am I going to do?
WILSON: You could have an injury that requires you to go to a specialist far away, where you cannot be reached. You get it?
KESSEL: No, because I feel fine, Coach.
WILSON: Can you stick your foot out a little bit? (KESSEL sticks his foot out from under the table a bit)
(WILSON stamps on KESSEL’s foot as hard as possible)
KESSEL: AHH! Why did you do that!?
WILSON: Now you have a lower body injury. You need to see a specialist far away, where you cannot be reached by anyone. And you might want to get a bodyguard to make sure you’re not harmed while you’re taking care of that injury. Got it?
KESSEL: I guess so. But Jamal and Jason are still dead! Oh man…I’m the only witness! What if people think I killed them? (starts crying again)
WILSON: Look on the bright side: do you know how much cap space just got cleared up? I don’t know off the top of my head, but that’s a decent amount.
(in the following days, a surveillance video comes up which absolves KESSEL of all guilt in the deaths of BLAKE and MAYERS and leads to the arrest of the local Hell’s Angels chapter. KESSEL also recovers quickly from his “lower body injury”.)