Bryan McCabe Airing of Grievances (Encore Presentation)

I entered this as one of my two entries into the Festivus Airing of Grievances contest over at www.pensionplanpuppets.com. I figured that I should also throw it up over here, just because my special brand of reverse-psych motivation doesn't seem to work anymore. Plus, I thought anyone here who isn't over at PPP regularly might enjoy it as well. Happy New Year, and I'll see you next year, Domiteers!

Hey there. Um, look—I’ve been pretty busy at doing nothing, so I had an imaginary friend deliver this Airing of Grievances for me. Also, I thought that this particular friend would be pretty funny. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Towelie!(picture stolen from the Wikipedia page on Towelie)


Bryan, you look really sweaty and bloody. Did you remember to bring a towel? Towels are very important, you know. Do you know what else is important, Bryan? Competent defense is also very important to your life, Bryan. Yes it is. What gives, man? Maybe if I got a little high I could explain what’s wrong and how to fix it better.

/Takes bong hit

You wanna get high?

/takes second bong hit
/pause
/longer pause

Oh right, defense. Lemme break it down for you. “De”—well, that’s like how French people say “the” because they can’t say the “th” sound. And “fense” is like how English people say “fence.” Like a fence that blocks stuff and keeps other stuff out, you know? That’s what “de fence” does in hockey—it keeps other people away from the goalie. You’re “de” fence around “de” goalie. Heheheheheh…I oughta write this kinda stuff down. Yeah, we’ve seen you do some pretty good stuff, but you’ve done a lot of stupid carp to make up for it. This video shows some of your stupidest moves. I mean, you got checked by the net. Don’t they teach you to look out for that thing and to not run into it when you’re in, like, Peewee hockey? I can’t imagine that they don’t.

/takes a bong hit

Goals are nice, but your first priority as a defenseman is to keep the other team from scoring. Like I said, “de” fence…heheheheheh. I’ve got some pictures here on my cell phone that’ll help show you what to do. Just let me see where I stored it on here…

/takes out cell phone

/doo-doo-bee-boo-boop dee-doo-doo-doo!

That’s it! That’s the chorus to Funkytown! And now, Loser Domi wants me to tell you Feats of Strength that you can do to redeem yourself for all your Grievances. Ummm…(looks at list) This list is dumb. “competent defense” “Worry more about defending than scoring”—blahh, blah, blah! I want you to see you fit a hockey puck in your mouth. Now that would be impressive!

Also, I think lots of other people would be happy to see you punch yourself in the face.I don't think it would help your game, but it would be funny.

Motivation against the Rangers, Dec. 29, 2007

Lemme see, boyos...I post a picture, you almost win. And by almost win, I mean lose. I get Kitano, and you lose. I do nothing, and you lose. I'm just about at the end of my rope here. Maybe I should just ignore you. Nah, I couldn't ignore you. I'll try to motivate, but...Rangers. Ouch.

Let me think, we've got good, um...PK? nope. PP? hell to tha naw. Goal--aw shit, this is harder than I thought.

I got it:

OUR CAPTAIN IS A MAN NOT NAMED JAROMIR JAGR!

Yep. Mats Sundin is just about as non-Poodle as you can get. That is all.

A NEW Motivation for the Leafs against the Islanders, Dec. 26, 2007

As Greener pointed out after the last motivation post, whenever I did full photo posts, you were wining. However, whenever I did “halfie” posts, you would almost win. Since I can’t upload or save pictures on this computer, I’m stuck with the halfie photos. So, I guess I’ll have to use extra text-based firepower to my posts. Simply the death stare isn’t working anymore.

To further scare you into winning, I’m going to try adding a short speech from someone who would scare me into winning, simply to not see them mad at me. (Kind of stealing a page out of PPP’s book, but not directly.) To start off, here is Kitano from Battle Royale.

No good, no good. That’s what this team has become. You wanna know why? I told you guys to not slack off on things like power plays and I told you to play a goddamn full game. You were okay for a while, then you really started to slack off. You’re no good, but you thought that you would come here anyway. (Smacks nearest player on the head. You can imagine that it is any player you like.) Because of folks like, well, all of you, thus team’s absolutely no good anymore.

It’s you guys’ fault. You mock other, more winning teams. Go ahead and mock them, but don’t you forget: Life is a game, so fight for survival and find out if you’re worth it. Today’s lesson: kill some Islanders!

Motivation for the Leafs against the Florida Panthers, Dec. 22, 2007

I know that the Panthers will be tough. I mean, they have that Finn who scores all of the goals, and that guy who, um, always wears a shirt--you know who I mean. The real Florida Panther is/was on its way to extinction, so do a mercy killing on it, boyos. You know what happens if you lose this game? A FOUR game losing streak, that's what. And that sucks like an Electrolux.

Vermont Politicians are Always Game for Some Football

(I got a bright shiny +5 for anyone who knows what was the inspiration for the title)

I saw this story a few days ago. I've been busy with other stuff, so I apologize for being slow. Even though it's politics and football, it's just too funny to pass up.

Vermont Senator and Lifelong Crazy Bastard Bernie Sanders is leading the Vermont delegation (all three of them) to let Vermont be considered as "home territory" for the New England Patriots. That's because we can't watch the final game of the season unless we subscribe to the NFL network. You can read the delegation's letter to the NFL comissioner here (pdf link near the bottom of the page.)

I personally don't mind if I can't watch the Pats--I'd probably fall asleep to it anyway. But it is fun to watch if one of those huge (300, 400 pounds) guys catches the ball and goes for a touchdown, or if it snows like a banshee. It's also fun if it's Pats versus Colts--one of my brothers is a Pats fan, the other a Colts fan. Needless to say, it gets interesting.

Motivating the Leafs against the TB Lightning: Dec. 20, 2007

Seriously, didn't you guys just recently play each other? And didn't you totaly spank TB that time? Yeah, just try to do that again.


And happy(one-day) late birthday to Matt Stajan. I highly, HIGHLY suspect that he doesn't read this blog, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Motivating the Leafs against Carolina (rock you like a) Hurricanes

So, apparently Inga Skaya isn’t good enough. OK fine, I admit it: due to a family commitment, I didn’t get a chance to put up a post until quarter after six or so, which doesn’t allow for adequate time for the inspiration to take effect. Sorry about that.

There is one and only one thing to fear while playing Carolina. It’s one of the most dangerous things to ever walk the Earth:

That’s right—Stormy the “ice hog.”

My Leafers, that’s a ManBearPig if I’ve ever seen one. (Google image it--Blogger's not leting me load it, and besides after losing, you don't get a pretty picture.) And ManBearPig is one of the biggest threats to our Earth to exist. I mean, Al Gore said it, so it must be true, right?

NBC May Not Have teh Best Stuff to Watch, but it Has the Best Reception

Since I've been home, I've been watching the Today show a lot more than I ever did while at college, mainly because I never watch it while up in Canuckistan. Here is the schedule for the NBC channel where I am:

7-9 AM (when I'm usually not awake/crawling out of a nice, warm bed): Today show
9-10: Dumb and Dumber Regis and Kelly
10-12:Today show part deux


What Boggles (and probably Yahtzees and Sorrys as well) my mind is that the Today show is on for a total of FOUR HOURS a day. And yet in almost every single sement, they end up running out of time. How in THE FUCK does this happend? I mean, you're on for FOUR HOURS, you would think you could fit shit in! And it isn't like they're trying to cram in the most important information. This morning's episode (after I crawled out of bed at nine) has featured: a stpry on the results of a survey about people marrying for money, Ann Curry jumping off of a bridge, ways to break 5 annoying habits, and wil feature champion ballroom dancers....that are only 8 or 9 years old. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to be lying down since I screwed up my back shoveling snow off of the barn roofs yesterday. Right now my back is stiffer than the average morgue resident. But with ice packs, some good reading material and ibuprofin, I'll be fine.

SAMMICH TIME comes once again!

The eintire Miami Dolphins squad gets SAMMICHES for finally winning a game. It's about time, eh? Unfortunately, I don't have that picture of the dog loaded on this computer and I don't remember where I got it, so...um....just visualize a really tasty sammich.

Motivation against the Habs, Dec. 15, 2007

OK Leafers, you won yesterday, so now here is my end of the bargain: What you see on the left is a picture of Inga Skaya, who represented Canada in the Miss Universe Pagent in May of this year. Just remember Leafers: she is representing THE Toronto Maple Leafs for the "national costume" poriton of the competition. When almost all of the other coutries had national costumes that consisted of very little cloth but loads of feathers and sequins, she chose to wear your team logo. Not the Canadiens. Not the Sens. Not any other teams. Doesn't she look like someone you shouldn't let down? I mean, I know that if I were putting on the foil the Leafs Jersey, I'd want to light the lamp for her. [ insert easy joke here] So go to it boys!

Motivation for the Leafs vs Thrashers, Dec 14, 2007

Morning/afternoon/whatever, fellers. Friday Night(Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?) you're against the Thrashers. So have fun against abstract concepts--you usually do. You'll two whole days to look at this one, mainly because I'm lazy. I figure that since this is a perfect opportunity for it, I'll give you the picture that started it all:


If you're really good, I'll give you a picture of someone (a female someone) who is an even better looking Leafs fan than I am. But only if you're good.

Wednesday Snarky Joke, Dec. 12, 2007

It's kinda late today because A) we didn't have power for the first half of today and B)I had a short paper that I had to type and send out to the professor. But on to the snark!

A young man walks into a bar and sees that there is an old man there with a dog. The young guy asks the old man, "Does you dog bite?" The old man says, "No." The young guy goes to pet the dog and it bites him. The young guy says to the old man, "hey, I thought you said that you dog didn't bite!" The old man says, "that ain't my dog."

Motivation against the Tampa Bay Lightning, Dec. 10, 2007

OK boyos, after losing to the smegging Bruins, you don't get a picture (though you probably won't anyway since this computer and my camera don't get along.) You get text-based motivation from me instead.

Tampba Bay is abreviated as TB, which is also the abbreviation for tubercolusis. For that reason alone, t's not something you want to screw around with.

The Tampa Bay Lightning feature two wild and crazy guys, Martin St. Louis and Vincent Lecavailier. Marty is so short, he can sneak to the puck between your legs and you won't even notice. Much like the common field mouse, he scurries with great speed away from things larger than he is that would eat him for breakfast. Vinny has all the girls crazy AND is on his way to becoming the season's leading scorer in all senses of the word.

SO yeah. TB will kick ass.

Taking off to the Great White...South

OK, Domiteers, I'm taking off later today to head home. I'll update, but just not as often. Also, there won't be Friday youtube Yoinkage (FYY) or the motivational stares. My camera and my parent's computer (the one at home with the internet) don't get along.

I would also like to add that the Bruins did not defeat the Leafs last night.The Bruins bus...umm...broke down somewhere near Katana...yeah, that'll work.

In order to cheer things up a bit (and have a handy little tie-in to the title), I present to you something I forgot to include on the latest edition of FYY. Bob and Doug MacKenzie's 12 days of Christmas. So, good day, and I'll see you around.

Motivation against the *shudder* Bruins, Dec. 8, 2007

Good afternoon/evening, Leafers. Tonight you're up against those smegheads, the Boston Bruins. They've been pretty good so far this season, and I for one suspect necromancy. That's why with today's motivational stare, I took the liberty of adding a bit more sting to it. You'll need it.
Do you have any idea how hard that was for me to type? I mean, Zdeno Chara, man. He's sometimes fun to watch because he's batshit insane, but cod-DAMN is is ugly. Just keep that in mind.

Friday YouTube Yoinkage: Decmber 7, 2007

OK, Domiteers, This is actually going to be the last of the YouTube Yoinkage for about a month. I’m going home to Vermont on Sunday, and while I’m stoked to be home, it means a poor internet connection that can’t handle YouTube. I’ll still be updating, but not as frequently. I do have a project I’d like to do over the break, but you’ll just have to wait and see. So today, it’s the so-called holiday special version of Friday YouTube Yoinkage.


I throw this one in mainly because this starts what appears to be Frosty’s Québécois cousin:



For screwing up “O Holy Night” in ways Eric Cartman only wishes he could, STRONG BAD!:

All I can think this has to do with hockey is that one of the fine folks over at Deadspin linked to it. Plus it’s a rather catchy tune:



The Charlie Brown Christmas special as interpreted by the cast of “Scrubs” shown with the video from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Got it? Good. You oughta know.



So I'll see you guys around. And by guys, I mainly mean Greener. I shall return! (but I won't really be gone)

Motivating the Leafs against The Rangers

OK my little balls of Leafer Madness, I kind of let the ball drop on this game's motivational death stare. I forgot to upload the photo in time AND save it to my USB stick. This means I’d have to go back home (a +20 minute walk up a steep hill in all the snow and cold) to my laptop there and upload the photo. I’m sorry about that, so here’s the next best thing I got: I’ve MS-Painted my way to a non-punchline. But, while winning would be great, the Rangers are a terrific team now, so there’s not as much shame in losing to them. Losing to the Bruins on Saturday, however, is another matter entirely. Don't get me wrong--winning tonight is something that would really make me happy, and you should totally do it. But, like I said I was the one who dropped the ball. Prove me wrong, boyos! Prove me wrong!

Also, Scotty Hockey is a good and great man. His blog is great--have you ever read it? It's a great blog. You should go over and read it right now.

For Supply of Snark, Press 1 Now

A friend and I once had almost this exact same conversation. It wasn't a true yo mamma fight, but then again I don't really remember that much from it (it was a while ago) Anyway, drawings follow:

Snarky Joke Wedneday...replacement?

You know what? Instead of a snarky joke, today, I'm in a bit of a giving spirit (especially since I found out thatthe exam I thought was today is tomorrow, but that doesn't matter.) Instead, I'm just going to link to one of my favourite holiday specials as a kid, "A Wish for Wings that Work." I was so stoked when I found it a few days ago on YouTube that I totally skipped over studying French grammar to watch it (not like I needed the bribing, but still...)

Embedding has been diabled, so I'm just going to link it:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5QI4ESioUM

part 2:


part 3:


I think I always enjoyed it because it featured a penguin (which I thought was an awesome animal) who has a butt that falls off when he gets too cold. Plus it isn't your "typical" Christmas special. So, enjoy!

Giving Motivation in a Tough-Love Style

Alright boyos, I know that you somehow managed to pull your act together against Atlanta and Pittsburgh, but come on. Sure, it's baby steps, but eventually you'll have to face a team that's equal to or better than you are. Tonight, it's the Nashville Predators, who usually aren't in Turbosuck mode (unlike the Thrashers and Pens before them.)So come on, let's Catch a Predator. Better yet, let's catch all of them. All the Boone's Farm wine coolers and cookies won't save them from the Leafer Madness...right?

Sidney Sings!

I started out this post with the intention of doing a full parody of the song "Part of Your World" with Sidney Crosby on vocals, but for some reason the words ain't coming. What's below is what came out, and at this point I'm sick of trying to force out words but I still wanted to use that picure of Sid (at least I think it's him) during his LHJMQ days simply because it cracks me up everytime I see it. (picture credit: stolen from the Facebook group "Hockey Players Run the Show Wherever They Go") l

ook at the trophies
ain’t they all neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the Bluenose
The Bluenose with it all?
....
I’ve got assists and point totals a-plenty
I've got TimBits and Gatorade galore
you want a Reebok Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby Winter Classic Youth Vintage Premier Jersey ?
I’ve got plenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the puck bunnies are
I wanna see, wanna see them jumpin’
Jiggling around all those—whaddya call ‘em? Oh yeah—boobies.


Waxin your stick you don’t get too far
...
Laughin’ along with my—what’s that word again? oh yeah--Friends
...
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
...
off of the rink
wouldn’t you think?
I’m part of that world

Marc-Andre Fleury Between the Pipes against...Munchkins?

Last night, as usual, I was following the Yahoo coverage of the Leafs/Penguins game instead of studying for a final I have on Monday (screw Montainge, Molière and all those other old dead French guys!) In between bits of action, I was perusing the gallery to see if there were some pretty pictures that I could steal (all pictures in this post credit Dave Sandford/Getty Images, by the way.) I came across this picture:

My first thought was, “Wow, I didn’t know that Marc-Andre Fleury was that tall.” It looked like he was talking to the opposing goalie (keep in mind the Yahoo gallery has pictures that are the size of postage stamps, so I couldn’t really see the colours or design until I enlarged it). It was only when I checked on the caption that I understood the truth: TORONTO - DECEMBER 1: Marc-Andre Fleury #29 of the Pittsburgh Penguins chats with Marcus Sorentino #30 of the Vaughn Panthers Minor Atom Single A Team during an open practice before facing the Toronto Maple Leafs in their NHL game at the Air Canada Centre December 1, 2007 in Toronto, Ontario. (Photo By Dave Sandford/Getty Images)
(sidenote: I spy a Nova Scotian flag in the background of that first one, which would make my friend Dan very happy to see. Apparently, the Pens have this guy from Nova Scotia who’s got a chick’s name and supposed to be an ok player—you ever heard of him?) So, I guess it was apparently Fleury versus a bunch of munchkins last night?
Maybe they weren’t munchkins—maybe TimBits. Either way they’re tasty. Mmmm….donuts…Wait—what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Fleury versus a bunch of tykes.

At first it seems like a one sided contest. Just look at those pads. They’re the same size as the kids fer Chrissake! Then I happened upon this photo:

*Dive, dive captain!* I want to say he’s just hamming it up for the kiddies, but then again...
Whatever he was doing, it made want to go back and re-watch the "Stanley's Cup" episode of South Park, which I did right after the game.

P.S: the death stare/picture memo worked again. I wonder how it will do against a team not currently in Powersuck mode.

NOO!!

Stolen from Deadspin, It's one of the saddest things I've seen in a few days.(photo stolen from: http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=local&id=5260384 credit: Paul DiGiacobbe)


That's right, a Zamboni on fire.
How are we supposed to get to Burger King now?

Why the Hell Not?

It worked last time, so why not see if it'll work again?
Also, thanks to the fine folks over at He Score, He Shoot for adding me under "Mmm-mm. Falling Off the Bone!" I take it this is a list of people they like, so I'll take it!