I entered this as one of my two entries into the Festivus Airing of Grievances contest over at www.pensionplanpuppets.com. I figured that I should also throw it up over here, just because my special brand of reverse-psych motivation doesn't seem to work anymore. Plus, I thought anyone here who isn't over at PPP regularly might enjoy it as well. Happy New Year, and I'll see you next year, Domiteers!
Hey there. Um, look—I’ve been pretty busy at doing nothing, so I had an imaginary friend deliver this Airing of Grievances for me. Also, I thought that this particular friend would be pretty funny. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Towelie!(picture stolen from the Wikipedia page on Towelie)
Bryan, you look really sweaty and bloody. Did you remember to bring a towel? Towels are very important, you know. Do you know what else is important, Bryan? Competent defense is also very important to your life, Bryan. Yes it is. What gives, man? Maybe if I got a little high I could explain what’s wrong and how to fix it better.
/Takes bong hit
You wanna get high?
/takes second bong hit
/pause
/longer pause
Oh right, defense. Lemme break it down for you. “De”—well, that’s like how French people say “the” because they can’t say the “th” sound. And “fense” is like how English people say “fence.” Like a fence that blocks stuff and keeps other stuff out, you know? That’s what “de fence” does in hockey—it keeps other people away from the goalie. You’re “de” fence around “de” goalie. Heheheheheh…I oughta write this kinda stuff down. Yeah, we’ve seen you do some pretty good stuff, but you’ve done a lot of stupid carp to make up for it. This video shows some of your stupidest moves. I mean, you got checked by the net. Don’t they teach you to look out for that thing and to not run into it when you’re in, like, Peewee hockey? I can’t imagine that they don’t.
/takes a bong hit
Goals are nice, but your first priority as a defenseman is to keep the other team from scoring. Like I said, “de” fence…heheheheheh. I’ve got some pictures here on my cell phone that’ll help show you what to do. Just let me see where I stored it on here…
/takes out cell phone
/doo-doo-bee-boo-boop dee-doo-doo-doo!
That’s it! That’s the chorus to Funkytown! And now, Loser Domi wants me to tell you Feats of Strength that you can do to redeem yourself for all your Grievances. Ummm…(looks at list) This list is dumb. “competent defense” “Worry more about defending than scoring”—blahh, blah, blah! I want you to see you fit a hockey puck in your mouth. Now that would be impressive!
Also, I think lots of other people would be happy to see you punch yourself in the face.I don't think it would help your game, but it would be funny.
8 Comments:
you wanna get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh?
Sure, but just remember to bring a towel. In retrospect, I really should have used the "littering annndd...smokin the reefer" tag here. Live and learn, maybe.
well there is always room for a super troopers reference. That movie applies to everything.
Even more so for you, being from Vermont.
RE: "room for a super troopers reference." HA! my brother and I were talking about that last night. I was telling him about John LeClair getting busted for DUI and I told him, "Man, I should have done him getting pulled over by team RamRod for the blog!"
Meow do you know why I pulled you over Mr....John..LeClair?
Which one of you guys is it that LOVES that movie?
@ 3rd jared: from the newsdesk: LeClair then claimed that theofficers had quote "mega raging boners" and one of the officers referred to him as "chicken [expletive deleted]
@greener: if Jared says it's him, I'll believe it when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert
Don't make me challenge you to a Super Trooper-off, because shenanigans would most definetely follow, complete with mozerella sticks and goofy shit on the walls.
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