Sundin Leaving the Leafs? Hold on, lemme fetch my cootie catcher...

With regards to Mats Sundin leaving/not leaving the Leafs, does anybody else feel like a battered wife on any episode of “Cops”? You know—“Oh, he didn’t mean to hit me officer, he’s a good man”—except for Leafs fans it’s more like “He didn’t mean to talk to Montréal, he only talks about leaving for a Cup when he’s been drinking!” Personally I just wish he’d quit dicking around and actually say what he’s going to do. In the meantime, much like funerals now “celebrate the life” instead of “mourn the death”, I figure there’s only one way to memorialize his time in Toronto—that’s right, a Dee Mirch style poetry slam!

“Captain in Rainbows”

You’re a wondrous man

I see you in the rainbows

With the angels

And your disproportionately hot wife

Even the thickest of clouds

Cannot obscure the shine of your halo

While you teach Jesus how to crosscheck

Flying on your wings of gold

Defying every law of physics known to man

In hearts

In rainbows

In magical mists

In beautiful songs of the angels

Affirmed

Obligatory thoughts on certain departures

You know, with the current situation in the Maple Leafs that has lots of folks leaving and whatnot, I (and lots of other Leafs bloggers) have been feeling really down. This is especially true with Darcy Tucker. Tucker was one of my favourite Leafs to write with/about (whatever it is I do). So here I present one last (for now) project with the departing Leafs, just to cheer things up a bit. (the first time a new screen name is mentioned, it links to the player's Hockey Database page) So allow me to take a page from The Dugout:

Welcome to the official chat room of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Harrison_Steel: Hey guys, does anyone know where I could find a decent English-Swiss dictionary?

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: I don’t think they exist i don’t think swiss is a language

Harrison_Steel: But how do they communicate? Do thye just use like sign language or something?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker has entered the chat room

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: Hey guys

Harrison_Steel: hey

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Sucks to see you go, man

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: It does! It sucks like Raycroft’s mom. But Calgary can’t be that bad, can it?

World_of_Raycroft has entered the chat room

Sheriff_of_Wellwood_forrest has entered the chat room

World_of_Raycroft:Hi everyboday! Its me! Raycroft, you know?

Harrison_Steel: Uh, yeah, we can read, Raycroft

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Even me!

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: We were just having a conversation amongst ourselves

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest:hey guys BC salmon sucks

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Tucker, you played for Tampa Bay back before they won stuff, right?

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: yeah Calgary can’t be *that* bad

World_of_Raycroft: mood: depressed

World_of_Raycroft: oops wrong window hah, or should I say LOL!

Harrison_Steel: whatevs

World_of_Raycroft: God, I’m so depressed right now. I keep drinking hot cocoa and listening to Sarah MacLaughlin but I don’t feel any different.

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: You listen to Sarah MacLaughin when you’re depressed? Isn’t that like putting gasoline on a bonfire?

World_of_Raycroft: like, all the stuff I read about Tucker leaving is all “oh we’ll miss you, your awesome” and all the stuff about me is like, “good riddance”

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: With all due respect, that’s because you’re a sack of crap and nobody likes you

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: That was kinda mean, dude

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: What? I’m being honest! And I said “with all due respect”

World_of_Raycroft: That’s it. Like Budd Dwyer, I’m going out with a bang

World_of_Raycroft: *grabs pistol*

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: Rayray, no don’t do it!

Harrison_Steel oh shit, man, don’t!

World_of_Raycroft:*puts pistol barrel in mouth*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: DON”T DO IT! Think of whoever has to clean that up. I mean, blood doesn’t come out of stuff easily. Trust me I know!

World_of_Raycroft: I told you guys I was hardcore

World_of_Raycroft: *pulls trigger*

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: oh shitohshitohshitohshit

~*~Pohl_dancer~*~: Fuck!

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: just…stunned…

World_of_Raycroft: …OMGWTFBBQ SAUCE AN EXTRA CHEESE

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: G-G-G-GHOST! AHH!

World_of_Raycroft: Nah, the gun I just shot myself with? Turns out it was just a cap gun

Harrison_Steel: Seriously? ROFLMAO

Sherrif_of_Wellwood_forrest: EPIC FAIL

Baaaaaad_muthaTucker: bwahahahahahHAHAHAHA OH SHIT HAHAHA!!!

World_of_Raycroft: Screw you guys I'm going home!

Travels With Carlo: The Tribe of Treachery

(SCENE: COLAIACOVO, STEEN, WELLWOOD are in a small prop plane being flown by GUIDE (old British man) over what looks to be a remote grassy area)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, Carlo COlaiacovo once again and I’m on a trip to find a shaman or some sort of trainer to help me over come my nasty injury bug.

WELLWOOD: Uh, Carlo, who are you, uh, talking to?

STEEN: Is this like Candid Camera or something? Are we about to get punk’d?

COLAIACOVO: With me today are Kyle Wellwood, Alex Steen and our guide, um, I forgot your name…

GUIDE: Lloyd Elrick Mackerbottom: anthropological expert and amateur poodle groomer.

COLAIACOVO: So anyway, Lord Mackey says he knows this really remote African tribe that has, like, one of the top shamans in the world for resiliency charms, which is what I’m after. (GUIDE lands plane)

GUIDE: Now, this tribe is extremely remote and it has dwindled significantly. However, they remain a proud and noble race. As you leave the plane, just follow my lead (ALL exit plane)

COLAIACOVO: OW! Oh man, I hit my nose guys, I think it’s broken…or at least bleeding

10 minutes later…

GUIDE: It’s quite a good stroke of luck that my wife also flies this plane; as a result she keeps a good stock of tampons on board.

COLAIACOVO: Oh yeah, I feel tho lucky and blethed.

STEEN: Should you have a lisp with a broken nose?

COLAIACOVO: I thuthpect that I bit my tongue at the thame time ath breaking my nothe.

WELLWOOD: Hold on…if we’re in Africa, shouldn’t we have gotten a ton of shots before we left? And shouldn’t we have gotten visas and stuff like that for visiting foreign lands?

GUIDE: Well, my good boy, we’re going to an extremely remote part of Africa that hasn’t really been permanently settled yet.

WELLWOOD: That may be, but the entire continent has been carved up into countries, even the remote bits. Are we here illegally? And shouldn’t the trip have taken longer than 45 minutes?

GUIDE: Time zones, my good boy—it only felt like 45 minutes. Oh look, here is the tribe now (two men in “traditional African clothing” appear)

STEEN: The whole tribe is these two guys?

GUIDE:I told you their numbers have dwindled significantly (GUIDE and TRIBESMEN exchange gibberish-sounding dialogue) Ah yes, this one is called Ubuntu, and he is the shaman of the tribe. The other is named Mogwai and he is Ubuntu’s assistant.

UBUNTU: Huminahumina Barcalounger!

MOGWAI: Huminahumina Habeus Corpus!

GUIDE:They welcome you to their home, but before we can fully enter their territory, Ubuntu must assign each of you a sacred name.

UBUNTU (to WELLWOOD):Huminahumina…Gravytits!

COLAIACOVO: (laughing) Ah man, that ith THO funny! I’m tho calling you that from now on!

WELLWOOD: That’s just mean.

UBUNTU and MOGWAI: (excited gibberish at STEEN)

COLAIACOVO: What’d they thay?

GUIDE: Apparently your friend’s large nose means that this tribe regards him as a powerful medicine man himself. He is welcome to do as he pleases.

MOGWAI: huminahumina, mi casa es su casa!

STEEN:Really? Cool!

UBUNTU (at COLAIACOVO): Huminahumina…Born of Balsa Wood!

COLAIACOVO: Fair enough

WELLWOOD: What the—my shirt’s brown! It was white before!

COLAIACOVO: I thmell gravy.

STEEN: I dunno about you guys, but I just got a huge craving for KFC.

GUIDE: It looks like your nipples are leaking…gravy?

STEEN: Well, powerful shamans like us do have great powers of divination…I mean, your name is Gravytits.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that! It’s not funny!

COLAIACOVO: I’m laughing.

GUIDE: OK, now that we have all made our introductions, we can begin the healing ceremony. Alex, since you are the shaman representing us, you get to start

STEEN: Uh, what do I say?

COLAIACOVO: Try thomthing in Thwedish!

STEEN: OK, uh, humin humina…something in Swedish!

GUIDE: Alright then, Mogwai is going to fetch a small holy biscuit and you, Carlo, must eat your friend’s breast gravy off of it.

COLAIACOVO: Do you guys think that this counts as a homosexual experience?

WELLWOOD: Probably not, but I think this goes under “stuff that shall never, ever, ever be discussed again.” (UBUNTU and MOGWAI start laughing hysterically)

COLAIACOVO: What’s so funny?
UBUNTU: Ah man, I can’t keep it up anymore—we’re just FOOLING with ya, man! I mean, “Sacred ceremony” haha!
MOGWAI : “holy biscuit!” By the way, my name’s Leon, and he’s my buddy Francis.

STEEN: So I’m not really an all-powerful shaman? Well, crap.

COLAIACOVO: Wait a thecond; aren’t you that old Britih guy who chathed me out of your houthe when I wath doing the opening to “Travelth with Carlo”?

GUIDE: Alas, you have discovered my ruse. I rented a soundstage and hired some random yahoos to pose as African tribesmen to humiliate you.

WELLWOOD: It seems a bit intricate for simple revenge. But how did you make me squirt gravy like that?

GUIDE: I didn’t do that. I suppose you’re just a freak of nature.

COLAIACOVO: Ah thcrew it, let’th jutht get some donuth or thomething. Come on, Gravytith.

WELLWOOD: Stop calling me that!

COLAIACOVO: No way!

Obligatory Draft day post

Let me start by saying that I do not know what will happen with the draft tonight. I wil not make any predictions as to who will move where. All I know is I am typing this at 6 and I have already started drinking (I would have started earlier, but I only just got home from work.) In the event that someone I actually like moves from the Leafs, I'm just going to make sure I'm numbed up for it.

That having been said, Go Leafs go! Hooray for Hockey! Bacon!

Carlo Colaiacovo and the Ostrich of Doom

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone.

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is at a secluded Texas ranch.)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, it’s time for me to once again find a way to make myself more resistant. Today I have a real treat for you all as the extensive and often sketchy connections of MLSE have given me a once in a lifetime chance to train with the toughest man alive, Chuck Norris. (knocks on door) Hello? (CHUCK NORRIS answers door)

NORRIS: …Who are you?

COLAIACOVO: I’m Carlo Colaiacovo, the hockey player who wanted to be made of something other than glass. MLSE guys talked to and said you’d help me become tough like you are.

NORRIS: Look, kid, I’m just an actor. I’m in incredibly good shape, but at the end of the day, I’m still just an actor. All those facts about me you read on the Internet are just baloney. I mean, my tears curing cancer? Just ridiculous—even though it’s true I’ve never cried. But hey, it’s not a total loss. Come inside and I’ll teach you how to win Connect Four in three moves. (sounds of a fence breaking and squawking)

COLAIACOVO: Hey, what was that…OHGOD CRAZED ATTACKING OSTRICH! (the ostrich mauls COLAVCOVO for a bit as COLAIACOVO screams in pain and terror. After a slight struggle NORRIS roundhouse kicks the ostrich, knocking it off COLAIACOVO.)

NORRIS: Are you ok, Copacobana?

COLAIACOVO: I just got mauled by an ostrich. I think this has been a pretty bad day.

Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 2

Well, cats and kittens, wraparoundcurl and I have once again put our heads together to bring you part two of our exclusive inside look of Sean Avery's summer internship at Vougue (Part one is here)

(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is bringing in coffee and lunch to a fashion photo shoot featuring two female models.)

AVERY:Lunch is here, guys. (to MODELS) ‘Sup sluts?

MODELS: Hi, Sean!

FEMALE INTERN: Eating lunch is for weirdos.

AVERY:I don’t know why we bring in food for the models at all—they’re just going to throw it up anyway. Actually…I wonder when these two are gonna “lez out”

FEMALE INTERN: Excuse me?

AVERY:If I’ve learned anything from any movie or TV show, it’s that when two really good looking women are together, they’re gonna start making out and feeling each other up. Hell, that happens even if they aren’t that attractive.

FEMALE INTERN: And exactly what movies taught you this?

AVERY: “Naughty Nurses”, “The Mighty Dykes”, “Lesbo Vampires of the Amazon.” You know, the classics.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re a pig!

AVERY:I know—a hot tub! That’ll get them going. Hey photographer guy! I got an idea. How’s about a hot tub with small strategically placed Rangers gear? But keep those high heels. Those are fabulous shoes, just fabulous shoes.

FEMALE INTERN: But then they won’t be showing off the clothes

AVERY: Who cares? There are naked people in the Abercromie and Fitch catalogue all the time and they still sell. It’ll be provocative and make people talk and buy stuff, like the Miley Cyrus thing.

FEMALE INTERN: Why would you ever combine fashion press and hockey?

AVERY:I’ll be honest with ya, cupcake, I have a vision. See, when I was in the hospital with my cock knocking spleen causing trouble, I had this dream…(flashback mode)

(SCENE: AVERY is in a hockey rink, on center ice holding one end of a string. The other end is attached to a plate holding a big slice of pie. MARTIN BRODEUR enters.)

BRODEUR: Oh boy! Faceoff pie! (BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY:Maaaaarrrrrty….

BRODEUR : Come here, you delicious pie! (again BRODEUR ends down to pick up pie, AVERY tugs at string so the pie is just out of BRODEUR’s reach)

AVERY: Come and get me, Marty, I’m all a la mode and shit. Whatsa matter, can’t eat me? (BRODEUR disappears. A trapdoor suddenly appears and opens, and then AVERY falls through it into an all-white featureless room.)

AVERY: What in the flying fuck…?

BOOMING VOICE :Sean, we must talk.

AVERY: You’re damn right we have to talk! Right now, I should be with at least three “Deal or No Deal” models kicking Sidney Crosby in the crotch!

BOOMING VOICE: Sean, you know that the press coverage of hockey has really gone down over the years. Would you like to see it covered beyond mentions of bench clearing brawls and horrific injuries?

AVERY:Sure, what do I do?

BOOMING VOICE: We need you to infiltrate any sort of press you can. Get yourself and hockey exposed everywhere, like they did with poker.

AVERY: Isn’t that what Sidney Crosby is for? You know, jumping through hoops for people?

BOOMING VOICE: Sidney does his job well, but we have been riding him harder than an underage Thai hooker.

AVERY: Who the hell are you, anyway? And what happens if I refuse to be your little media whore?

BOOMING VOICE : Well Sean, you don’t have to help out the hockey gods if you don’t want to. We’d just like to point out that even if you don’t need a spleen to live, a lacerated one can get pretty nasty.

AVERY: So…you’re pretty much just holding my health hostage so I help you?

BOOMING VOICE: Pretty much. How else were we supposed to get your attention?

AVERY: Fair enough. I’ll do it.

AVERY: So you see, I’m not just any cock knocker. I’m on a mission from God.

FEMALE INTERN: You’re still a pig though.

Heads up...

OK, so I haven't forgotten this blog or you wonderful readers (all six of you). I'm just lazy. Here are some of the things I'm currently working on:

1. "Cock Knockers, Incorporated Volume 2" with wraparoundcurl is in progress. We're still hammering out some kinks and whatnot, plus we're both terrible procrastinators.
   
2. A few more editions of "Travels with Carlo" are on tap for whenever I get around to typing them.
   
3. Waaaaaay in the back of my head is something about Mats Sundin's upcoming wedding, but I have no specific ideas. In fact, I may not even end up doing anything about it.
   
4. Some odd situations are happening over in the REAL Leafs organization--I may do something about it, but I don't have any specific ideas as to what. Again, I may not do anything specific about it. It's just something floating around.
   

thanks again, guys!