Carlo Colaiacovo and the Ostrich of Doom

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone.

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is at a secluded Texas ranch.)

COLAIACOVO: Hey folks, it’s time for me to once again find a way to make myself more resistant. Today I have a real treat for you all as the extensive and often sketchy connections of MLSE have given me a once in a lifetime chance to train with the toughest man alive, Chuck Norris. (knocks on door) Hello? (CHUCK NORRIS answers door)

NORRIS: …Who are you?

COLAIACOVO: I’m Carlo Colaiacovo, the hockey player who wanted to be made of something other than glass. MLSE guys talked to and said you’d help me become tough like you are.

NORRIS: Look, kid, I’m just an actor. I’m in incredibly good shape, but at the end of the day, I’m still just an actor. All those facts about me you read on the Internet are just baloney. I mean, my tears curing cancer? Just ridiculous—even though it’s true I’ve never cried. But hey, it’s not a total loss. Come inside and I’ll teach you how to win Connect Four in three moves. (sounds of a fence breaking and squawking)

COLAIACOVO: Hey, what was that…OHGOD CRAZED ATTACKING OSTRICH! (the ostrich mauls COLAVCOVO for a bit as COLAIACOVO screams in pain and terror. After a slight struggle NORRIS roundhouse kicks the ostrich, knocking it off COLAIACOVO.)

NORRIS: Are you ok, Copacobana?

COLAIACOVO: I just got mauled by an ostrich. I think this has been a pretty bad day.