An Open Letter to Leafs Fans from Rickard Wallin

(I'd like to thank Wrap Around Curl for giving me the idea of Wallin as a Zoolander during a late-night chat.)

Hi there, Leafs Fans. Rickard Wallin here. Listen, I know my stats have some of you less than impressed. But that's ok, because I am undergoing a growth process. See, before I got to Toronto, there was only one thing on my mind: being really, really good looking:

Do you think my hair does that flip thing on its own? Seriously, it's hard. And proper beard maintenance takes way longer than most people think. Phil Kessel makes it look easy, but that's because he just lets his grow all willy-nilly, which is not the Swedish way. I mean, really, look at this proper Swedish beard maintenance:

Proper beards: So. Hot. Right. Now.


I know some of you are wondering why I had such good stats in Swedish Elite League and yet I was so invisible for Toronto this year. One reason for that is that the Leafs uniforms are blue and white. My Swedish teammate and buddy Jonas Gustavsson was all "Wowie! Toronto is such a famous franchise!" and I'm like "Earth to Jonas! They're dressing us like Finland! Everyone knows that Finland's in, like, Africa or something and they're walking failure sacks."  And then Jonas goes "But Rickard, Finland is right next to Sweden, you should know that." And I'm like, "Earth to Jonas, I was making a joke! I knew Finland wasn't in Africa the whole time!" Then we went for orange mocha frappuccinos and it was all cool.

The truth is, I have a horrible condition that prevents me from getting to my full potential as a player. See, can't shoot or turn right. I'm not an ambi-skater. It's something I've struggled with my whole life.

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.  Sometimes, I think of quitting hockey and becoming a eugoogleizer--you know, the people that speak at funerals? Yes, I know what a eugoogooly is. I also want to help people. I want to open a school called the Rickard Wallin Centre For Kids Who Can't Play Hockey Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, and I'll teach them that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. For instance, I can teach them to paddle a canoe like a boss:

You see, just because us Swedish hockey players have stunning features, it doesn't mean we can't die in a freak gasoline fight accident. Life is short, and I have a feeling there is so much more than being ridiculously good looking.