Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Leafs for Life: Kessel and Phaneuf Explain The Mysteries of the Universe.

(SCENE: DION PHANEUF, PHIL KESSEL and TOMAS KABERLE are all hanging out outside of KABERLE’s house)
PHIL KESSEL: Man, you guys every just, like, look at stars? It makes ya think, ‘cuz, like, the stars don’t give a shit if you score 30 goals or lay out some guy or whatever. They just keep spinning and going around and stuff.
TOMAS KABERLE: It really does make you wonder about stuff.
DION PHANEUF: Like fuckin’ magnets. How do they work?
KABERLE: And how Pluto may not be a planet anymore. Why is that?
KESSEL: Well, that one’s because Pluto may not be large enough, has an odd orbit, and is not the dominant object in its orbit to be considered a “true” planet,
PHANEUF: Man, that’s so wrong, you don’t even know.
KESSEL: Oh yeah, smart guy, why isn’t Pluto a planet, then?
PHANEUF: Pluto’s a dog, dumbass.
KABERLE: I never got that. How can Goofy AND Pluto both be dogs, and yet only one of them talks and wears pants?
PHANEUF: Maybe Pluto’s a dwarf dog, too.
KESSEL: I think they keep Goofy around so he can go to stores for everyone else. See, Mickey doesn’t wear shirts, so anywhere with a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy is out of the question. And Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants, so he’s not gonna be allowed anywhere. But Goofy has a shirt AND pants, so he can go anywhere.
KABERLE: What about Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck?
PHANEUF: They have dresses, but so short they may as well just be wearing shirts.
KESSEL: Then again, how the heck does Mickey have a pet dog when he’s a mouse? Wouldn’t a dog eat or squash him?
PHANEUF: Yeah, that’s all kinds of screwy right there.
KABERLE: Agreed.
PHANEUF: Man, look at all those stars and planets.  Wonder how they got there and how they’re staying up there.
KESSEL: Space monkeys.
KABERLE: …what?
KESSEL: Yeah, space monkeys. They hold the planets in place and spin them around.
PHANEUF: If that’s so, then how come nobody’s seen any when they go up in, like, the Hubble telescope and stuff?
KESSEL: ‘Cuz—duh—space monkeys are invisible!
PHANEUF: Oh yeah. I guess I never thought of that. You learn something new every day, I guess.
KABERLE: Wow, just…are you guys seriously retarded? (ANGRY MAN IN STREET appears)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET:  HEY KABERLE! SHOULDA WAIVED YOUR NO-TRADE CLAUSE YOU SHITASS!
KABERLE: Hey jerk, I got something to “waive” for you. (KABERLE removes pants and shakes genitals at ANGRY MAN IN STREET)
PHANEUF: Who was that guy?
KABERLE: I don’t know. Some Harry Potter lookalike who yells at me. (awkward pause)
KESSEL: Man, there’s just miracles everywhere you look!
PHANEUF: Fuckin' rainbows after it rains, there's enough magic to blow your brains. 
KESSEL: And how people’s kids look just like them.
PHANEUF: 85,000 people in one room as equals
KESSEL: Magic everywhere in this bitch, it’s all around you and you don’t even know it.
KABERLE: Holy crap…uhhh..I’m going to need to drink more if I’m going to understand you guys without having a stupid-induced aneurysm.
KESSEL: But I haven’t had anything to drink yet.
PHANEUF: Yeah, this is just water.
KABERLE: Holy shit. 





4 Comments:

CGLN said...

I'm not often at a loss of words, but this is so Batman & Robin flashback material right here, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to say here.

KAPOW?

PPP said...

ANGRY MAN IN STREET: HEY KABERLE! SHOULDA WAIVED YOUR NO-TRADE CLAUSE YOU SHITASS!
KABERLE: Hey jerk, I got something to “waive” for you. (KABERLE removes pants and shakes genitals at ANGRY MAN IN STREET)
PHANEUF: Who was that guy?
KABERLE: I don’t know. Some Harry Potter lookalike who yells at me. (awkward pause)


Fuck and yes.

NLL Blogger said...

Hey funny blog.

Hockey Junkie said...

After reading this... I hope Kaberle will never come back home. I'd die of laughing.

 

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