Leafs for Life: Mike Komisarek

In this new feature, various members of the Toronto Maple Leafs get a chance to share their worldviews and perspectives on a variety of issues. This time, we feature Mike Komisarek. 

I know you all are probably at least as sick of the whole Tiger Woods coverage as I am. However, since I’ve been injured, I’ve had some time to think some of it over. People are wondering why an athlete would cheat on a super-hot Swedish model wife (for example), and I think I can drop some science on this to mansplain things.

Let’s use Tiger Woods as an example. Did you know his real first name is Eldrick? Eldrick Woods sounds like some place in “The Hobbit” or some shit. He went to school in southern California in a place where he was the only Blasian (I think that’s the correct name) golfer in school. Hell, he was probably the only Blasian there. Plus, golf is a really solitary sport—it’s just you and the coach most of the time. It’s not like hockey or football where you have a team to be your buddies and a second family. All in all, he’s a loner with a dorky-ass name and probably a bit of a nerd. These are the kind of guys who, if they get a chance to, like to make up for lost time.

See, to get to a professional level of a sport, it means you have to spend a lot of time practicing and training. This means that you don’t get to do a lot of other stuff—you might not get to go to dances or to prom and stuff like that because you have a tournament or something that weekend. But when you’re an athlete, it’s like being in high school, but with more hot girls AND you can actually pursue them because you have the money and availability. It’s like the energy and experience of chasing the opposite sex gets pent up and gets stronger the more pent up it is until it oozes out like a volcano. Being a pro athlete is like being in high school, except there’s no homework, you can legally drive and go to strip clubs, and all the women are legal.

As money and athletic fame increase, the likelihood of hot bitches also increases. This concept is best explained by this graph:

See? That's simple science, fools.

In conclusion, athletes cheat on hot model wives for two main reasons: because they freakin’ can, and because they’re making up for time spent alone and practicing as a teenager.